Scarlet's Music in the Night
Scarlet journeys west, alone and friendless in the dark...16 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
Effective opening sets the stage dramatically with excellent detail of setting
You get inside Scarlet's inner thoughts well
excellent use of dialogue to express intense emotions and conflict
jamming his finger, clenching his teeth - good use of non-verbal communication to enhance the spoken conversation
Brooke
reply by the author on 06-May-2014
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Effective opening sets the stage dramatically with excellent detail of setting
You get inside Scarlet's inner thoughts well
excellent use of dialogue to express intense emotions and conflict
jamming his finger, clenching his teeth - good use of non-verbal communication to enhance the spoken conversation
Brooke
Comment Written 05-May-2014
reply by the author on 06-May-2014
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Thank you for your review. I'm glad you could feel it. Have a Great week.
Comment from padumachitta
Hello.Thank you for posting this.I was so scared he would beat her. She seems like a survivor,I want to know therest.
Greyhounds thecdog from hell...
reply by the author on 06-May-2014
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Hello.Thank you for posting this.I was so scared he would beat her. She seems like a survivor,I want to know therest.
Greyhounds thecdog from hell...
Comment Written 05-May-2014
reply by the author on 06-May-2014
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Thanks for your review. (I was scared I'd "get it," then, too.) I will be following it up with more, about when Scarlet reaches Los Angeles. :)
Comment from JavaJunkie
Very interesting...reads like fiction. You have a really nice way of writing good strong illustrative description. I did think there were a few too many in the intro. They were all good,just too close together. The scene where you describe the backpack falling jumps around in time quite a bit and is hard to follow. I liked your description of huge scene with the dad...good suspense. Also the ending with the harmonica and her music with the wheeled hostel, very nice:)
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Very interesting...reads like fiction. You have a really nice way of writing good strong illustrative description. I did think there were a few too many in the intro. They were all good,just too close together. The scene where you describe the backpack falling jumps around in time quite a bit and is hard to follow. I liked your description of huge scene with the dad...good suspense. Also the ending with the harmonica and her music with the wheeled hostel, very nice:)
Comment Written 04-May-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Norbanus
This could make a fine segment as part of a larger story, but it does not contain the elements needed to stand alone. A short story needs a beginning which raises a question, a middle to explore the conflicts and an ending to resolve the question.
The reader is left wondering if she is really pregnant or if she just used that to get away from her father.
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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This could make a fine segment as part of a larger story, but it does not contain the elements needed to stand alone. A short story needs a beginning which raises a question, a middle to explore the conflicts and an ending to resolve the question.
The reader is left wondering if she is really pregnant or if she just used that to get away from her father.
Comment Written 04-May-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Yes, this IS a segment; part of a compilation (please re-read author's notes.) Because it is part of a contest, the length is controlled. There will be a follow-up regarding the pregnancy. This section opens with fear/loneliness, moves to self-realization, then closes with healing/friendship. Have another look. :)
Comment from Nosha17
Well written story with flash back to reveal to the reader what had taken place prior to her bus trip. I can imagine such events are or were quite common. Good use of language in the narrative and descriptions and the dialogue was good. Enjoyable read and good luck in the contest. Faye
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Well written story with flash back to reveal to the reader what had taken place prior to her bus trip. I can imagine such events are or were quite common. Good use of language in the narrative and descriptions and the dialogue was good. Enjoyable read and good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 04-May-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Thanks, Faye, for the complementary review! Have a great week.
Comment from Kausar_Javeria
Wow..this was an interesting read..I want to read more~~ I hope you'll be posting Scarlet's Memoirs on this site too. I'm really interested to read more..Anyway, great job and Good Luck with the contest..God Bless~!
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Wow..this was an interesting read..I want to read more~~ I hope you'll be posting Scarlet's Memoirs on this site too. I'm really interested to read more..Anyway, great job and Good Luck with the contest..God Bless~!
Comment Written 04-May-2014
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Thank you for your encouraging words. I appreciate your kindness. Yes, more is on the way! ;)
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Bravo! Verrrry good read. Great descriptive passages throughout. You put me right on that bus with Scarlet. This is a great entry, and I think it very likely will win first prize. Can't wait to see if I'm correct. My track record on guessing is pretty good so far. :)
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Bravo! Verrrry good read. Great descriptive passages throughout. You put me right on that bus with Scarlet. This is a great entry, and I think it very likely will win first prize. Can't wait to see if I'm correct. My track record on guessing is pretty good so far. :)
Comment Written 04-May-2014
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Thank you for that fantastic praise. I'm so glad you appreciated it. (And thanks a million for your 6 ******!) Have a lovely Sunday. -Healfromwithin (Scarlet)
Comment from c_lucas
Music is always welcome in the loneliness of the darkness. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Music is always welcome in the loneliness of the darkness. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 03-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. Have a great weekend!
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You're welcome.
Comment from elchupakabra
I think the main problem with this write is that it is way overloaded with adverbs, especially for a text of this length. It really detracts from the story, making for unnecessarily long and flowery descriptions. Having ridden greyhound buses many times though, I thought your depiction was on point. Great work and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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I think the main problem with this write is that it is way overloaded with adverbs, especially for a text of this length. It really detracts from the story, making for unnecessarily long and flowery descriptions. Having ridden greyhound buses many times though, I thought your depiction was on point. Great work and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 03-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Thanks for reading and reviewing,
Comment from livelylinda
healfromwithin: I never imagined saying this to any writer, but you have gone into overkill with descriptive words. The first three paragraphs are so overly filled with descriptive words that it is difficult to understand of what you are actually speaking. I follow a rule of "less is better". The trick is to find a few powerful words to describe something rather than using many words to describe every word. The first three paragraphs could be written better with far less descriptive words and be done entirely within one average sized paragraph. This story was often difficult to read. Just one writer's opinion. livelylinda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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healfromwithin: I never imagined saying this to any writer, but you have gone into overkill with descriptive words. The first three paragraphs are so overly filled with descriptive words that it is difficult to understand of what you are actually speaking. I follow a rule of "less is better". The trick is to find a few powerful words to describe something rather than using many words to describe every word. The first three paragraphs could be written better with far less descriptive words and be done entirely within one average sized paragraph. This story was often difficult to read. Just one writer's opinion. livelylinda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Wow. How insulting. The descriptions are simile and metaphor; I'm sorry you don't understand them. I see that you are heavily religious, and the fact that this piece focuses on a youth rebelling against religion must have upset you. This is a non-fiction piece, as is your "final curtain." I wouldn't dream of slashing your past as you did mine. Please - refrain from viewing my work in the future.
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I have no interest in ever reading your writings again because the woods is too thick and I can't see the trees. When I read another's story, I read it like an English teacher would. I look for clarity, punctuation, spelling, etc. I found the piece in question to be too top heavy, whether with descriptive words/similes/metaphor. . .too much is too much and it made it difficult to read. This was not an insult to you nor did I "slash your past". I commented on a piece with a good core but way too much fluff, as if you were trying to amaze and impress your readers. I simply wasn't impressed with your style. Simple as that. I will conclude by saying that I am not a religious zealot, but, yes a Christian. If you had actually read my "final curtain" piece, you would notice that I refer having done things I should not have done. My review has NOTHING to do with religion. . .simply how to improve your writing as others have shown me. Thanks for listening and good writing to you. livelylinda
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That would be, "the woods are too thick",,,"and as an English teacher would." My mom was valedictorian of her class, and an exclusive private school English teacher. I was her student. I have intentionally skipped dry pieces such as yours for the simple fact that they're sleepers. (Statement, statement, factoid, etc.). If you can't grasp a piece or remain positive about another writer's work, use the "skip" button; they may be out of your league. Three stars was a slap in the face, and undeserved.
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Interesting (barely) is the fact that you do not look at my criticism of your writing. A reminder to you: you cannot impress others by standing on the laurels of your mother. There is room for you to improve on that piece of work as all of us might improve on what we write. None of us are perfect and I find it disturbing that you think you are. . .hmmmmm. livelylinda
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Why do keep personally attacking me? You didn't bother to try to understand the piece before laying a destructive 3 stars on it. I don't rate anyone that low unless their work is riddled with SPAGS or is poorly constructed. Your review wasn't constructive; it degraded and insulted. What is your educational background? Do you have any poet laureate or English Master credentials? How about just a kind word for a fellow writer?
