My Life In A Box
Viewing comments for Chapter 40 "Thru His Blood"I decided this is a perfect title
10 total reviews
Comment from The Death
Hi, LovnPeace.
I like how you slowly developed Barbara's character. The past events that you included were crucial in framing her personality. The write started with a hint of negativity and towards the end, it was all light and optimistic.
As a reader, one can connect to her thoughts if inferiority and self-hatred. So, you succeed in drawing a reader in.
That being said, there are a lot of many punctuation issues and some sentences can be still made better by slightly changing their structure.
Notes:
I spent most of my life in hate with myself.
It is not a good choice to have I/my/myself in just a single, short sentence. It sounds awkward and needs to be trimmed.
Options:
I spent most of the life in hate with myself.
OR
I spent most of the life hating myself.
When asked how I got my name, as many children do, I was told (this) story(:) Mother had met a minister who had the most beautiful daughter (with) big(,) blue eyes and dark curly hair. Her name was Barbara Ruth.
She said she would name her first daughter after that beautiful child.
The above sentence is grammatically incorrect as it should have been written in past perfect tense.
She had said to name her first daughter after that beautiful child.
My little sister(,) who came along two and a half years later(,) did fit the bill in looks. She was(is) beautiful.
Have 'is' in brackets, not followed by a /.
As I said, I was taught well(.) (M)y value was wanting.
'Wanting' is an adjective and preposition, so you can't use it like that. Perhaps, some word is missing at that place.
In my struggles in this life(,) (r)eligion was a very important issue for me.
Over the years(,) I went to many different churches and different denominations.
I often suffered great emotional struggles, grappling with the laws/rules and my self(-)loathing as a sinner.
At one point(,) a friend said, "Who do you think you are? God forgives you(,) but you don't?"
That gave me much to think about, but it wasn't enough to heal my wounded soul. One day(,) I had an epiphany.
I though(t) about what Jesus did for me. I thought that, perhaps by not forgiving myself I was somehow spitting in Jesus face for His sacrifice.
Who was I to question His creation(?)
"I am trying the best I can. You made me(.) It has to be good enough even for you."
The funny part is(--)I always wanted to be the next St. Joan de Arc as a child in the orphanage.
You have narrated her journey to enlightenment with the help of His grace. It delivers the message that we all should be happy the we are, for he Has made us so and surely has something for us in the closet. But, we must never lose hope.
Warm regards,
Anupam
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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Hi, LovnPeace.
I like how you slowly developed Barbara's character. The past events that you included were crucial in framing her personality. The write started with a hint of negativity and towards the end, it was all light and optimistic.
As a reader, one can connect to her thoughts if inferiority and self-hatred. So, you succeed in drawing a reader in.
That being said, there are a lot of many punctuation issues and some sentences can be still made better by slightly changing their structure.
Notes:
I spent most of my life in hate with myself.
It is not a good choice to have I/my/myself in just a single, short sentence. It sounds awkward and needs to be trimmed.
Options:
I spent most of the life in hate with myself.
OR
I spent most of the life hating myself.
When asked how I got my name, as many children do, I was told (this) story(:) Mother had met a minister who had the most beautiful daughter (with) big(,) blue eyes and dark curly hair. Her name was Barbara Ruth.
She said she would name her first daughter after that beautiful child.
The above sentence is grammatically incorrect as it should have been written in past perfect tense.
She had said to name her first daughter after that beautiful child.
My little sister(,) who came along two and a half years later(,) did fit the bill in looks. She was(is) beautiful.
Have 'is' in brackets, not followed by a /.
As I said, I was taught well(.) (M)y value was wanting.
'Wanting' is an adjective and preposition, so you can't use it like that. Perhaps, some word is missing at that place.
In my struggles in this life(,) (r)eligion was a very important issue for me.
Over the years(,) I went to many different churches and different denominations.
I often suffered great emotional struggles, grappling with the laws/rules and my self(-)loathing as a sinner.
At one point(,) a friend said, "Who do you think you are? God forgives you(,) but you don't?"
That gave me much to think about, but it wasn't enough to heal my wounded soul. One day(,) I had an epiphany.
I though(t) about what Jesus did for me. I thought that, perhaps by not forgiving myself I was somehow spitting in Jesus face for His sacrifice.
Who was I to question His creation(?)
"I am trying the best I can. You made me(.) It has to be good enough even for you."
The funny part is(--)I always wanted to be the next St. Joan de Arc as a child in the orphanage.
You have narrated her journey to enlightenment with the help of His grace. It delivers the message that we all should be happy the we are, for he Has made us so and surely has something for us in the closet. But, we must never lose hope.
Warm regards,
Anupam
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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Than you. Blessings. Barbara
Comment from Tatarka2
I think you have a very powerful story and message here. I do see you making the same mistakes I made when I first joined this writing community. You're "telling" the reader what happened, and what to think. What I've learned is that it's so much more powerful, and readable, if you "show," through dialogue and action, rather than tell the reader "this happened, then this happened, and this is what you should think about it." As I said, this is a powerful and inspirational story. As you edit it, I believe it will only become more intriguing and inspirational to many readers.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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I think you have a very powerful story and message here. I do see you making the same mistakes I made when I first joined this writing community. You're "telling" the reader what happened, and what to think. What I've learned is that it's so much more powerful, and readable, if you "show," through dialogue and action, rather than tell the reader "this happened, then this happened, and this is what you should think about it." As I said, this is a powerful and inspirational story. As you edit it, I believe it will only become more intriguing and inspirational to many readers.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you Tatarka. I have been here for many years and don't seem to be able to achieve that style. I lack imagination. I appreciate your kind concern. Blessings. Barbara
Comment from Cranial Thinker
Wow such honesty poured out for all to see and a witness of
Gods guiding Good Grace as well powerfully expressed and
mightily demonstrated as the hopes of mankind is not in himself but in the one who has done the creating may Almighty God continue to bless you my growing friend....Cranial Thinker
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Wow such honesty poured out for all to see and a witness of
Gods guiding Good Grace as well powerfully expressed and
mightily demonstrated as the hopes of mankind is not in himself but in the one who has done the creating may Almighty God continue to bless you my growing friend....Cranial Thinker
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much CT for your fine review. He Blesses me greatly my friend. Blessings to you. Barbara
Comment from adewpearl
When I came along a year later, it was too much
attractive rather then beautiful - than
My little sister, who came - add comma
It was Catholic, and - add comma
Joan de Arch - Arc
a thoughtful story of your faith journey :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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When I came along a year later, it was too much
attractive rather then beautiful - than
My little sister, who came - add comma
It was Catholic, and - add comma
Joan de Arch - Arc
a thoughtful story of your faith journey :-) Brooke
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you Brook. I made the corrections. Not too many for me. :) Blessings. Barbara
Comment from Norbanus
With Easter just around the approaching dawn
It's time to take a look at times gone past
and recognize that Joan de Arch is gone
replace by roads we've walked we know will last
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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With Easter just around the approaching dawn
It's time to take a look at times gone past
and recognize that Joan de Arch is gone
replace by roads we've walked we know will last
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much my friend and yes it is. I couldn't make the cut. Blessings. Barbara
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, barbara, you did an excellent job writing this essay about how you came to forgive yourself. i can't believe your mother blamed her children for not being boys
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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this is very well written, barbara, you did an excellent job writing this essay about how you came to forgive yourself. i can't believe your mother blamed her children for not being boys
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much sweet. Blessings. Barbara
Comment from 4hisglory
Wonderful testimony of accepting the gift of salvation and learning to love yourself as God made you. I am so thankful you found Jesus and are saved!
You may want to explain a little bit more what 'work' you are talking about. Some people may not be familiar with the term when it comes to digging deep into one soul to be healed of all the hurts and struggles there. Otherwise you did a good job explaining your story.
Blessings, LaVonne
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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Wonderful testimony of accepting the gift of salvation and learning to love yourself as God made you. I am so thankful you found Jesus and are saved!
You may want to explain a little bit more what 'work' you are talking about. Some people may not be familiar with the term when it comes to digging deep into one soul to be healed of all the hurts and struggles there. Otherwise you did a good job explaining your story.
Blessings, LaVonne
Comment Written 13-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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Thank you LaVonne. That is a really difficult one to try to explain. It took a lifetime. Blessings. Barbara
Comment from barleygirl
Excellent piece of sharing & timely with Easter a week away. I like your sincerity, honesty, & non-pushiness. You describe your own journey, without passing any judgment whatsoever on anyone who may or may not agree. It's just between you & God, as it is for me, too. I have had a similar struggle as your own, except I've been self-destructive, not appreciating or honoring the many gifts I've received in the way of "me". I'm much better now. I'm glad to hear of your turning points. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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Excellent piece of sharing & timely with Easter a week away. I like your sincerity, honesty, & non-pushiness. You describe your own journey, without passing any judgment whatsoever on anyone who may or may not agree. It's just between you & God, as it is for me, too. I have had a similar struggle as your own, except I've been self-destructive, not appreciating or honoring the many gifts I've received in the way of "me". I'm much better now. I'm glad to hear of your turning points. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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I too have been destructive in the past dear one. It has been a hard earned journey also. Thank you and Blessings. Barbara
Comment from JavaJunkie
The first line is very engaging and hooks the reader...you continue to draw the reader in with your first paragraph.
The second paragraph is confusing to read....
There is a lot of information here and I had to go back and read it a few times to figure what was happening with the baby.
I often suffered greatly[maybe take off the ly on greatly ] emotional struggles, grappling with the laws/rules and my self loathing as a sinner.
I think you have a wonderful strong message here. My suggestion would be to spend a little more time showing us your light bulb experience.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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The first line is very engaging and hooks the reader...you continue to draw the reader in with your first paragraph.
The second paragraph is confusing to read....
There is a lot of information here and I had to go back and read it a few times to figure what was happening with the baby.
I often suffered greatly[maybe take off the ly on greatly ] emotional struggles, grappling with the laws/rules and my self loathing as a sinner.
I think you have a wonderful strong message here. My suggestion would be to spend a little more time showing us your light bulb experience.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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Thank you Java. I appreciate your input. Blessings. Barbara
Comment from Eternal Muse
What an illuminating story. I am glad that the heroine finally found peace and solution. In Jesus and religion; in realizing what Jesus did for us, and that we all all His creation, and of His design.
These struck a cord:
That gave me much to think about, but it wasn't enough to heal my wounded soul. One day I had an epiphany. I though about what Jesus did for me. I thought that, perhaps by not forgiving myself I was somehow spitting in Jesus face for His sacrifice. The thought of that was so painful and totally disgusted me.
That light-bulb was also the beginning of me learning, not only to forgive my sinning soul, but to love myself as a child of God whom he created. He created me just the way He wanted me. Who was I to question His creation.
"He created me just the way he wanted me". A perfect solution to self-loathing and healing.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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What an illuminating story. I am glad that the heroine finally found peace and solution. In Jesus and religion; in realizing what Jesus did for us, and that we all all His creation, and of His design.
These struck a cord:
That gave me much to think about, but it wasn't enough to heal my wounded soul. One day I had an epiphany. I though about what Jesus did for me. I thought that, perhaps by not forgiving myself I was somehow spitting in Jesus face for His sacrifice. The thought of that was so painful and totally disgusted me.
That light-bulb was also the beginning of me learning, not only to forgive my sinning soul, but to love myself as a child of God whom he created. He created me just the way He wanted me. Who was I to question His creation.
"He created me just the way he wanted me". A perfect solution to self-loathing and healing.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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Thank you ever so much for your great review. Blessings. Barbara
