Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 58 "Wihanble Moon"Murder Mystery
39 total reviews
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Yet another fabulous post. I really like how you show Jana's logic, her loyalty to her people.
I get the feeling we're coming to the climax. Totally love that Father Brian was bathed in light. Got goose bumps when I read that!
What can I say? You're a pro, Bev. Amazing work.
Av
xoxox
" Like cousin Billy did - extra space between quote and 'Like'
What will I do if he refuses to alowl me - allow
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Yet another fabulous post. I really like how you show Jana's logic, her loyalty to her people.
I get the feeling we're coming to the climax. Totally love that Father Brian was bathed in light. Got goose bumps when I read that!
What can I say? You're a pro, Bev. Amazing work.
Av
xoxox
" Like cousin Billy did - extra space between quote and 'Like'
What will I do if he refuses to alowl me - allow
Comment Written 07-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Hiya, Av. I so very much appreciate this wonderful review, my friend. And thank you very much for the great suggestions. I think it's time for bi-focals! You're such a great friend and I honor that.
Love, Bev
Comment from Showboat
Another outstanding chapter, Bev, I can't wait to see this one in print, lol. Each chapter is solid, good flow from one to the next and we keep the continuity of the story thread, not an easy task, I might add. Excellent job, m'dear. It's a pleasure to read you.
Only thingy I noticed, ring finger!
refuses to alowl me to leave the crime scene
Thank you so much for the great read,
Hugs,
Gayle
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Another outstanding chapter, Bev, I can't wait to see this one in print, lol. Each chapter is solid, good flow from one to the next and we keep the continuity of the story thread, not an easy task, I might add. Excellent job, m'dear. It's a pleasure to read you.
Only thingy I noticed, ring finger!
refuses to alowl me to leave the crime scene
Thank you so much for the great read,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment Written 07-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Thanks so very much, Gayle. Your support and generosity mean so much to me. Heading toward the finale and I'm going to be in touch with you once I've edited. Big Hug, Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
The young Ty thought he could commit evil without intent. Funny how kids think that. It's like a game of hopscotch, stepping on the lines. Tough game!
Ingenius, the way you bring in the background on the devil-dog legend.
You give us a darn good insight into the way Jenna is caught between her two realities. "The Sioux Nation had its own laws and courts. She was a member of that Nation first and enforcer of the white man's laws second." Great writing, girl!
Don't let anything happen to that little dog, Bev. LOL! Father Brian appears as a good and brave priest. You have developed some great characters. Good chapter, Bev.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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The young Ty thought he could commit evil without intent. Funny how kids think that. It's like a game of hopscotch, stepping on the lines. Tough game!
Ingenius, the way you bring in the background on the devil-dog legend.
You give us a darn good insight into the way Jenna is caught between her two realities. "The Sioux Nation had its own laws and courts. She was a member of that Nation first and enforcer of the white man's laws second." Great writing, girl!
Don't let anything happen to that little dog, Bev. LOL! Father Brian appears as a good and brave priest. You have developed some great characters. Good chapter, Bev.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much, Adrienne. One thing I will do in the editing process if make sure that Father Brian has a little bigger part in this novel. Really, I set out to create a story about a priest's crisis of faith. But the characters had other ideas...
I so appreciate your candor, generosity and support, Adrienne. Your opinion is always cherished. I've got some tightening to do after getting Rama Devi's review. Nothing gets past her sharp eye and she caught me out in a POV change. I swear I don't even see them sometimes. Anyway, thanks a lot. Hugs, Bev
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I didn't notice a POV change. You must have edited it, uh? Or maybe I missed it. Anyway, well done, girl.
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Hey, I don't feel so bad. I missed it too LoL. Maybe you saw it after I'd changed it.
Thanks again, buddy. xxxxxxxOO
Comment from Norbanus
There's never a dull moment for Jana. You drew us right in with the tension and suspense in this one. Like a soap opera, you have so many threads running there's never a dull moment for anyone.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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There's never a dull moment for Jana. You drew us right in with the tension and suspense in this one. Like a soap opera, you have so many threads running there's never a dull moment for anyone.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much, Norbanus. I appreciate your continued interest in the story, and appreciate the support. :0) Bev
Comment from barkingdog
Your work always pulls me right in. You did a fine job here with so many different scenes, running simultaneously. Everyone is busy--directed-- thus keeping the pace running smoothly as the excitement and suspense mounts.
Congrats again on your BOM win. So deserved, my friend. :)e
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Your work always pulls me right in. You did a fine job here with so many different scenes, running simultaneously. Everyone is busy--directed-- thus keeping the pace running smoothly as the excitement and suspense mounts.
Congrats again on your BOM win. So deserved, my friend. :)e
Comment Written 07-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Ellen, thank you so much for this positive and generous review. Your support is so very much appreciate, my friend. Glad you are still enjoying the story.
Comment from CR Delport
I always wondered why do they always betray the hounds of hell as some kind of dogs. I think in reality it would be more likely to be cats :) This is another very well written chapter. Great work.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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I always wondered why do they always betray the hounds of hell as some kind of dogs. I think in reality it would be more likely to be cats :) This is another very well written chapter. Great work.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Hehe, I'm not much of a cat lover, so I really enjoyed the humor. Thanks so much, CR.
Comment from jadapenn
Eve's seducer has the sexiest eye! lol. I loved this chapter, Bev. It shows a very vulnerable part of Ty with this dog devil. Honestly, the things these tribes have to contend with. Now Jana is off to the rez too. Father Brian seems to be in a quandary, leaving poor Alyx behind. You kept a good pace with this chapter, involving the reader more with tribal customs. Well penned. luv jada
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Eve's seducer has the sexiest eye! lol. I loved this chapter, Bev. It shows a very vulnerable part of Ty with this dog devil. Honestly, the things these tribes have to contend with. Now Jana is off to the rez too. Father Brian seems to be in a quandary, leaving poor Alyx behind. You kept a good pace with this chapter, involving the reader more with tribal customs. Well penned. luv jada
Comment Written 07-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much, Jada. My problem with this novel is that I have too many characters I really like LoL. So appreciate your positive review and generous rating. Hugs, Bev
Comment from misscookie
The artwork is awesome. I captured my attention from the start.
It is perfect this chapter.
This was a very interesting read. It keep me on the edge of my chair. The last few lines were very powerful.
Thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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The artwork is awesome. I captured my attention from the start.
It is perfect this chapter.
This was a very interesting read. It keep me on the edge of my chair. The last few lines were very powerful.
Thank you for sharing
Comment Written 07-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Miss, Cookie, thank you so much for reading. This was a little tamer, so I'm glad you didn't find it as difficult as the last one and thanks for the beautiful stars. I much appreciate it.
Hugs, Bev
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You're very welcome. Have a blessed day, until next time.
Cookie
Comment from Liandra
This story is full of mystery and the last five paragraphs held me to the end. The way you describe the actions Father Brian took and the connection with his dog Alyx, is very touching. I imagery is fantastic.
Thanks for sharing,
Liandra :)
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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This story is full of mystery and the last five paragraphs held me to the end. The way you describe the actions Father Brian took and the connection with his dog Alyx, is very touching. I imagery is fantastic.
Thanks for sharing,
Liandra :)
Comment Written 07-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Hi, Liandra. Thank you so much for this generous and encouraging review. I appreciate the support very much! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from rama devi
Second review
:-)))
First review (FOUR stars)
This totally drew me into the scenes and the character's POV. Superb pacing too. Good dialog Good sentence construction and composition. The characterization is great, because without having read all previous chapters, i felt like I had a sense of your characters. The plot sounds compelling as well, making me wish I'd read this from page one.
I've noted a handful of spag and other small suggestions below, but they are not the main for the four star rating. The main reason is one sudden POV shift (noted below) in Jana's section where it skips into the POV of Derek.
NOTES
*
He pushed his mind to remember something that would give him a way to anticipate the creature's moves, and stilled as a scene from his past unfolded:
Suggest removing AND and making this two sentences:
He pushed his mind to remember something that would give him a way to anticipate the creature's moves. He stilled as a scene from his past unfolded:
*
In the early hours of the next morning, he awoke from a nightmare,(no ,) calling for his mother.
*
"I will explain this to you once(,) and then we will not speak of it again."
* In a way(,) he was out of his mind due to events he had no control over.
*
Whoever took Tony Buday had left markers behind(,) and Ty would find them.
*
"Tony Buday's been abducted?" he said(ASKED) without preamble.
*
"First(,) I want you to pull out all the 911 reports from the last six months.
*
"Ah, I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about,Ty.
(ADD SPACE AFTER COMMA)
*
Jana Burke filled the other detectives in on the disappearance of her Uncle Tony and (the) need to get to their home on the reservation.
* SUDDEN POV SHIFT HERE (head hopping effect):
Derek appraised his young detective. He knew she was withholding information by the tightness around her mouth and the way her eyes wouldn't quite meet his. He weighed the option of taking her aside and prying the truth from her, then ended up going with what he would've preferred in her position.
The POV shifts from TY to Jana to Father Brian work fine because of the *** marks. This one is jolting the reader too quickly into a new POV.
*
Jana looked around at the other assembled detectives.(no .) and her heart filled with affection.
*
The dog whimpered(,) and Father Brian stuck his fingers through the cage for Alyx to lick. "
*
He could hear the siren approaching and knew the time had come.
Small suggestion:
He heard the siren approaching and knew the time had come.
nice closing note with the priest's pure faith and the soft golden light filling his head and bathing his spirit. Good positive closing note:
He opened his eyes and stepped with confidence to greet the young detective who so desperately needed his help
An now I am wondering, what happens next?
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Second review
:-)))
First review (FOUR stars)
This totally drew me into the scenes and the character's POV. Superb pacing too. Good dialog Good sentence construction and composition. The characterization is great, because without having read all previous chapters, i felt like I had a sense of your characters. The plot sounds compelling as well, making me wish I'd read this from page one.
I've noted a handful of spag and other small suggestions below, but they are not the main for the four star rating. The main reason is one sudden POV shift (noted below) in Jana's section where it skips into the POV of Derek.
NOTES
*
He pushed his mind to remember something that would give him a way to anticipate the creature's moves, and stilled as a scene from his past unfolded:
Suggest removing AND and making this two sentences:
He pushed his mind to remember something that would give him a way to anticipate the creature's moves. He stilled as a scene from his past unfolded:
*
In the early hours of the next morning, he awoke from a nightmare,(no ,) calling for his mother.
*
"I will explain this to you once(,) and then we will not speak of it again."
* In a way(,) he was out of his mind due to events he had no control over.
*
Whoever took Tony Buday had left markers behind(,) and Ty would find them.
*
"Tony Buday's been abducted?" he said(ASKED) without preamble.
*
"First(,) I want you to pull out all the 911 reports from the last six months.
*
"Ah, I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about,Ty.
(ADD SPACE AFTER COMMA)
*
Jana Burke filled the other detectives in on the disappearance of her Uncle Tony and (the) need to get to their home on the reservation.
* SUDDEN POV SHIFT HERE (head hopping effect):
Derek appraised his young detective. He knew she was withholding information by the tightness around her mouth and the way her eyes wouldn't quite meet his. He weighed the option of taking her aside and prying the truth from her, then ended up going with what he would've preferred in her position.
The POV shifts from TY to Jana to Father Brian work fine because of the *** marks. This one is jolting the reader too quickly into a new POV.
*
Jana looked around at the other assembled detectives.(no .) and her heart filled with affection.
*
The dog whimpered(,) and Father Brian stuck his fingers through the cage for Alyx to lick. "
*
He could hear the siren approaching and knew the time had come.
Small suggestion:
He heard the siren approaching and knew the time had come.
nice closing note with the priest's pure faith and the soft golden light filling his head and bathing his spirit. Good positive closing note:
He opened his eyes and stepped with confidence to greet the young detective who so desperately needed his help
An now I am wondering, what happens next?
Love,
rd
Comment Written 06-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2014
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Hi, Rama. Thanks much for this thorough review. I appreciate the help very much and will make your suggested changes. It's good to have a second person viewing with a critical eye. Those commas are going to be the death of me! Warmest regards, Bev
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Ah yes, I used to be afflicted with comma-titus--that's what made me study them more. IN some cases, they are optional.
Happy to help, dear.
Love,
rd
PS Let me know when revisions are done...I'll be happy to upgrade.
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I really appreciate the iomprovements, RD. Thanks for the offer of an upgrade, too. I appreciate it. Bev
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Much better! Thanks for the help and flexibility, rd. xxx Bev
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Happy to help, dear. Upgraded. :)
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You're awesome :0)
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You too! :)
