A Murder Most Fowl
It's best to be happy with who--or what--we are...138 total reviews
Comment from lappmellott
I loved reading your poem. I realized that it centers on crows, but it was most moving, to say the least. The photograph you used with the poem is beautiful.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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I loved reading your poem. I realized that it centers on crows, but it was most moving, to say the least. The photograph you used with the poem is beautiful.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Thank you very much, lappmellott. I am sincerely happy that you liked it, and I appreciate the generous review.
Comment from nancyjam
Wow, great story. told with fantastic imagery
rhyme and meter.
The raven, in his dream took on human form but was pleased to wake and find himself still a crow and able to fly.
So we should be satisfied with who we are and the life we are living.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Wow, great story. told with fantastic imagery
rhyme and meter.
The raven, in his dream took on human form but was pleased to wake and find himself still a crow and able to fly.
So we should be satisfied with who we are and the life we are living.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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You nailed it, Nancy. See, and I was beginning to think based on some previous reviews, that my message was far to vaguely expressed to be picked up. No so, at least based upon your kind review.
Thanks so much!
Comment from Just2Write
A great story in a poem, told with a beautiful rhythm in your internal rhymes. This flows extremely well, yet I did hang up in a couple of places:
this fair raven now knows - Suggest:
this raven fair now knows
her life is good within the wood amongst this murder of crows (Loved the thought, but the scansion seems off on the word murder - the stress falls as murDER vs. MURder)
Rose
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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A great story in a poem, told with a beautiful rhythm in your internal rhymes. This flows extremely well, yet I did hang up in a couple of places:
this fair raven now knows - Suggest:
this raven fair now knows
her life is good within the wood amongst this murder of crows (Loved the thought, but the scansion seems off on the word murder - the stress falls as murDER vs. MURder)
Rose
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Thanks, Rose, and I did make a few changes based upon your suggestions. I really am glad you liked this one and the story behind it. Much obliged!
Comment from rama devi
Third review
YAY! So much better and smoother. Proud of you!
:-))))
I read it aloud again and notice just two words for which I am unsure of the scansion (which is why I did not mention in previous review notes) - as it may be a matter of diction.
eerie:
a place she knew, where skies so blue, bequeathed eerie delights.
being
being a crow, I'd think I know ~ you'll just succeed in dying.
I believe the accent is on BE and not ING but here is is
BeING a crow
So, for a perfect six, I'd recommend revising the line to have the same meaning but without the word being.
If this were my own line, I'd probably try something like:
As you're a crow, I'd think I know ~ you'll just succeed in dying.
Both of these words noted above sound off scansion but fit in without sounding too forced.
All the other lines are much improved! Yipeeeee!
Second review (four stars)
I'm not sure what changes were made but there are still quite a number of lines that have room for improvement in terms of flow. The main issue is that many of your lines flow in perfect iambic meter, so it makes the others lines sound off-meter, even though a fixed meter is not mandatory for this contest. I strongly recommend revising all lines into iambic flow, so the cadences read musically.
I'm going to take time to go line by line and offer examples to illustrate some options. In doing so, I endeavor to maintain YOUR voice and the intent of each line. Forgive me if you feel this is presumptuous ..I'm just trying to be of service, as your poem has six star potential but I find the flow issue to be very distracting.
I sincerely hope this proves helpful.
NOTES:
*
Most magnificent precipice yawned o'er grassy hill�?�¢??
This line sounds a bit off-scansion and might sound better if you begin the line with "a" to get an iambic footstep moving--but if you did that, magnificent would still not fit in well. It's a magnificent word, one worth keeping, but not one easy to fit in natural scansion. However, since it is also in the title, you might consider finding a synonym with the right syllable count to fit in there smoothly. Here's an idea: "marvelous" - keeps the alliteration and uses less syllables. Here's an example of how to reorder the words to help the line sing in iambs (if you like--just an idea):
A precipice so marvelous yawned o'er grassy hill�?�¢??
*
Wasn't long 'til dour swan's song lulled low, so softly sweet,
Here, adding IT in the front of the line would make the line iambic--and since most of the lines in your poem have an iambic feel, altering the lines so the second syllable is emphasized is optimal (not mandatory, I know---but optimal--and optional!)
It wasn't long 'til dour swan's song lulled low, so softly sweet,
*
Before you go, you should know, that you aren't built for flying;
This line flows fine in spite of not being fully iambic, but it would be easy to fit it into an iambic flow without changing the meaning. Here's an example:
Before you go, I hope you know, that you aren't built for flying;
*
(a) graven stare �?�¢?? the raven there, gazed out across the boulders...
Again, adding an 'a' would set up iambic flow in that line.
*
Certainty is found upon the ground, bird spoke with candid caw.
This line has more syllables than others, so I suggest trimming out THE (if you like the idea). Example (please read both ways aloud to decide):
Certainty is found on ground, bird spoke with candid caw.
*
When you go, I sincerely hope you know, all you'll do is fall.
This line is a bit choppy and off meter. Consider revising.
*
Soon she feared as boulders neared �?�¢?? yet, wise raven's voice bestowed...
This line is also a bit choppy and off meter. Consider revising. It's not an easy line to revise, but perhaps reordering the sentence structure might work. Here's a thought:
She feared as boulders neared �?�¢?? yet, soon wise raven's voice bestowed...
*
Raven woke, then a small voice spoke �?�¢?? 'Twas just a dream of dying~
Again, this would be easy to revise into iambic flow:
As Raven woke, a small voice spoke �?�¢?? 'Twas just a dream of dying
*
Whispering trees�?�¢??in cool evening breeze�?�¢?? the darkest raven knows,
Suggest making this iambic:
In whispering trees, cool evening breeze�?�¢??the darkest raven knows,
*
her life is good within the wood amongst this murder of crows.
This line would also flow in smooth iambs if you trim the word THIS;
her life is good within the wood amongst murder of crows.
First review (FOUR stars)
Hi Dean.
This is a powerful poem.
Strong thematic content and depth.
Great story-telling style.
Strong characterization and story-line with clever twist.
Love the Native American references. (Thanks for your notes, too).
Good ABAB rhyming. Especially like Rock and Squawk--inventive!
Good rhythmic beat (for the most part--though the scansion sounds forced in a couple of the lines that seem to read iambic-ally--and this is acceptable as the contest does not require a strict meter, but there are quite a umber of lines that sound awkward in flow--or forced--read aloud. I've noted some of them below. The others have good flow and fluid eloquence. It would be ideal to polish up the rest to the same standard.
Specific NOTES:
The rhythm in this one reads awkwardly read aloud:
Before you go thought you should know, you're not built for flying;)
Very well timed internal rhymes
Many lines have superb phonetics, like the alliteration and consonance of both S and L, alliteration of M, and consonance of C and G here:
Wasn't long 'til dour swan's song lulled low, so softly sweet,
lithe melancholy melodies came fawning at her feet.
On craggy ledge she aptly edged above the jagged rock.
With last look down upon the ground, 'twas then she heard the "squawk".
*
Before you go(,) thought you should know, you're not built for flying;
*
Bewildered now(,) she thought somehow to gaze at dainty shoulders,(-)
graven stare -- the raven there, gazed out across the boulders...
Good rhymes!
*to me, the reverse syntax here sounds slightly forced, but many people love that device, so it's just one opinion:
Those rocks below no pities know ~ no use even trying.
Life God gives for us to live ~ yet, all you want is dying.
Powerful stanza-well voiced:
Tormented girl - with arms unfurled - drew closer to the edge;
I hear you not, all life has wrought soon ends, once off this ledge!
She braced, then jumped- her heartbeat pumped- as gravity took hold.
Nothing she feared as boulders neared - black raven's voice echoed...
Only the last line has an awkward flow read aloud...a forced feel and the words NOTHING and ECHOED.
Nothing she feared as boulders neared - black raven's voice echoed...
Awesome pivot here to make a closing twist!--
You think you're done but you have won ~ you've passed my wary test.
A downy bed to rest your head, now feathers in your nest.
With graceful dive you felt alive, when plummeting toward earth...
New wings were sprouted, all she doubted, died with her rebirth.
*The scansion sounds forced on the closing lines, though they are an apt closing:
Tucked in the trees(,) breathing cool breeze*(.) this fair raven now knows,
that life is good within the wood with her murder of crows.
I can see why many people gave this six stars, as it is an impressive write. However, I cannot do so with integrity when more than a handful of lines seem to have forced scansion. Nonetheless, I enjoyed your poem's story, creativity, originality, and rhyming!
Best wishes,
rd
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Third review
YAY! So much better and smoother. Proud of you!
:-))))
I read it aloud again and notice just two words for which I am unsure of the scansion (which is why I did not mention in previous review notes) - as it may be a matter of diction.
eerie:
a place she knew, where skies so blue, bequeathed eerie delights.
being
being a crow, I'd think I know ~ you'll just succeed in dying.
I believe the accent is on BE and not ING but here is is
BeING a crow
So, for a perfect six, I'd recommend revising the line to have the same meaning but without the word being.
If this were my own line, I'd probably try something like:
As you're a crow, I'd think I know ~ you'll just succeed in dying.
Both of these words noted above sound off scansion but fit in without sounding too forced.
All the other lines are much improved! Yipeeeee!
Second review (four stars)
I'm not sure what changes were made but there are still quite a number of lines that have room for improvement in terms of flow. The main issue is that many of your lines flow in perfect iambic meter, so it makes the others lines sound off-meter, even though a fixed meter is not mandatory for this contest. I strongly recommend revising all lines into iambic flow, so the cadences read musically.
I'm going to take time to go line by line and offer examples to illustrate some options. In doing so, I endeavor to maintain YOUR voice and the intent of each line. Forgive me if you feel this is presumptuous ..I'm just trying to be of service, as your poem has six star potential but I find the flow issue to be very distracting.
I sincerely hope this proves helpful.
NOTES:
*
Most magnificent precipice yawned o'er grassy hill�?�¢??
This line sounds a bit off-scansion and might sound better if you begin the line with "a" to get an iambic footstep moving--but if you did that, magnificent would still not fit in well. It's a magnificent word, one worth keeping, but not one easy to fit in natural scansion. However, since it is also in the title, you might consider finding a synonym with the right syllable count to fit in there smoothly. Here's an idea: "marvelous" - keeps the alliteration and uses less syllables. Here's an example of how to reorder the words to help the line sing in iambs (if you like--just an idea):
A precipice so marvelous yawned o'er grassy hill�?�¢??
*
Wasn't long 'til dour swan's song lulled low, so softly sweet,
Here, adding IT in the front of the line would make the line iambic--and since most of the lines in your poem have an iambic feel, altering the lines so the second syllable is emphasized is optimal (not mandatory, I know---but optimal--and optional!)
It wasn't long 'til dour swan's song lulled low, so softly sweet,
*
Before you go, you should know, that you aren't built for flying;
This line flows fine in spite of not being fully iambic, but it would be easy to fit it into an iambic flow without changing the meaning. Here's an example:
Before you go, I hope you know, that you aren't built for flying;
*
(a) graven stare �?�¢?? the raven there, gazed out across the boulders...
Again, adding an 'a' would set up iambic flow in that line.
*
Certainty is found upon the ground, bird spoke with candid caw.
This line has more syllables than others, so I suggest trimming out THE (if you like the idea). Example (please read both ways aloud to decide):
Certainty is found on ground, bird spoke with candid caw.
*
When you go, I sincerely hope you know, all you'll do is fall.
This line is a bit choppy and off meter. Consider revising.
*
Soon she feared as boulders neared �?�¢?? yet, wise raven's voice bestowed...
This line is also a bit choppy and off meter. Consider revising. It's not an easy line to revise, but perhaps reordering the sentence structure might work. Here's a thought:
She feared as boulders neared �?�¢?? yet, soon wise raven's voice bestowed...
*
Raven woke, then a small voice spoke �?�¢?? 'Twas just a dream of dying~
Again, this would be easy to revise into iambic flow:
As Raven woke, a small voice spoke �?�¢?? 'Twas just a dream of dying
*
Whispering trees�?�¢??in cool evening breeze�?�¢?? the darkest raven knows,
Suggest making this iambic:
In whispering trees, cool evening breeze�?�¢??the darkest raven knows,
*
her life is good within the wood amongst this murder of crows.
This line would also flow in smooth iambs if you trim the word THIS;
her life is good within the wood amongst murder of crows.
First review (FOUR stars)
Hi Dean.
This is a powerful poem.
Strong thematic content and depth.
Great story-telling style.
Strong characterization and story-line with clever twist.
Love the Native American references. (Thanks for your notes, too).
Good ABAB rhyming. Especially like Rock and Squawk--inventive!
Good rhythmic beat (for the most part--though the scansion sounds forced in a couple of the lines that seem to read iambic-ally--and this is acceptable as the contest does not require a strict meter, but there are quite a umber of lines that sound awkward in flow--or forced--read aloud. I've noted some of them below. The others have good flow and fluid eloquence. It would be ideal to polish up the rest to the same standard.
Specific NOTES:
The rhythm in this one reads awkwardly read aloud:
Before you go thought you should know, you're not built for flying;)
Very well timed internal rhymes
Many lines have superb phonetics, like the alliteration and consonance of both S and L, alliteration of M, and consonance of C and G here:
Wasn't long 'til dour swan's song lulled low, so softly sweet,
lithe melancholy melodies came fawning at her feet.
On craggy ledge she aptly edged above the jagged rock.
With last look down upon the ground, 'twas then she heard the "squawk".
*
Before you go(,) thought you should know, you're not built for flying;
*
Bewildered now(,) she thought somehow to gaze at dainty shoulders,(-)
graven stare -- the raven there, gazed out across the boulders...
Good rhymes!
*to me, the reverse syntax here sounds slightly forced, but many people love that device, so it's just one opinion:
Those rocks below no pities know ~ no use even trying.
Life God gives for us to live ~ yet, all you want is dying.
Powerful stanza-well voiced:
Tormented girl - with arms unfurled - drew closer to the edge;
I hear you not, all life has wrought soon ends, once off this ledge!
She braced, then jumped- her heartbeat pumped- as gravity took hold.
Nothing she feared as boulders neared - black raven's voice echoed...
Only the last line has an awkward flow read aloud...a forced feel and the words NOTHING and ECHOED.
Nothing she feared as boulders neared - black raven's voice echoed...
Awesome pivot here to make a closing twist!--
You think you're done but you have won ~ you've passed my wary test.
A downy bed to rest your head, now feathers in your nest.
With graceful dive you felt alive, when plummeting toward earth...
New wings were sprouted, all she doubted, died with her rebirth.
*The scansion sounds forced on the closing lines, though they are an apt closing:
Tucked in the trees(,) breathing cool breeze*(.) this fair raven now knows,
that life is good within the wood with her murder of crows.
I can see why many people gave this six stars, as it is an impressive write. However, I cannot do so with integrity when more than a handful of lines seem to have forced scansion. Nonetheless, I enjoyed your poem's story, creativity, originality, and rhyming!
Best wishes,
rd
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Thank you, rd, for such an in depth review and evaluation. I did make a few suggestions, based upon your review, but not too many.
While the poem may have seemed "forced" to you in certain lines, I can assure you, this one came quite easily. It literally flowed from my mind to the page, with very little effort. Ironic, considering you felt I tried too hard at times while writing it.
Again, thanks for taking time out to read & review it for me.
Blessings...
-
Actually, what is meant by forced is that the meter forces a word (that's what scansion means--where a word is forced to b said with an unnatural accent in order to fit the rhythm
I did NOT have the impression that you were forcing the creative aspect at all. In fact, it flows with a strong creative force. Sorry that was not more clear. he word forced applies only to the rhythmic scansion - and it might become more apparent if you read those lines aloud to 'hear' what I meant.
Blessings and best wishes, rd
-
Oh, okay. I'm about as poetically literate when it comes to the technical aspects as a Neanderthal is to a computer manual. I just normally write what I feel, paying close attention to syllable counts to maintain an even rhythm and flow. I wasn't disturbed in the least by your comments, and even less so now that I know what you actually meant. I simply felt I should let you know that this one was written very easily. Not too many of them I write are are, lol.
I do read all of my poetry aloud, and even have my seventeen year old daughter read it to me, as I did this one. I didn't denote anything worthy of a four star review as I heard it, and thankfully, not may others have either. Four star reviews are generally given when there are many misspellings, spag and structural errors. But, we all have our own opinions, and that's what makes this world such a delight to live in.
Thanks again.
-
Glad to hear you are no disturbed by the review. It does sound like the four stars irks you, but they are given in all sincerity because the poem has a flaw in flow. I'm not sure why you think four star reviews are only for spag. If there is significant room for improvement on any reasonable aspect, a four star is perfectly legitimate. It is not, of course, okay to award four stars because of disagreeing with the subject or theme, or because someone thinking s a haiku should be longer (LOL) but I give honest, fair reviews based on extensive experience and never downgrade due to a personal opinion.
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Sure, rd, I understand completely. As I said, we all have differing tastes, views and opinions. I'll look over those lines you mentioned to see if I can improve the flow by working on them. I know that the definition of four stars on the site means (Good: Adjustments needed), so I'll work on it.
Thanks so much again.
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:-)) Thanks for your gracious reply, Dean. Warmly, rd
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Hey, despite what many think, I'm truly a warm kinda' guy, LOL.
8>]
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I've found you only warm and reasonable thus far, Dean. :-))
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PS - I'll be happy to take another look if you decide to make revisions...
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Thank you, I will, and I will let you know when it is completed. I appreciate that.
Comment from Adri7enne
Great artwork adds to your descriptions. Very visual, Dean. I saw her climb the precipice and jump, finally, only to grow wings and fly away. I fully expected her to fall and impale herself on the stones below. So glad it had a happier ending. Well done, Dean.
I enjoyed the author notes as well. Interesting culture!
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Great artwork adds to your descriptions. Very visual, Dean. I saw her climb the precipice and jump, finally, only to grow wings and fly away. I fully expected her to fall and impale herself on the stones below. So glad it had a happier ending. Well done, Dean.
I enjoyed the author notes as well. Interesting culture!
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Thanks very much for your awesome review, Adri7enne. I am truly happy that you liked it.
Comment from Showboat
Well, Dean, here's another sixer. Wow, you're good, I mean, really good. Prose and poetry both. A good friend of mine is a Hope Indian and she has all kinds of affinity for birds, especially birds of prey. Very spiritual gal.
Anyhoo, just excellent, carry on!
Gayle
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Well, Dean, here's another sixer. Wow, you're good, I mean, really good. Prose and poetry both. A good friend of mine is a Hope Indian and she has all kinds of affinity for birds, especially birds of prey. Very spiritual gal.
Anyhoo, just excellent, carry on!
Gayle
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Ha ha, well, I'm happy to know that at least one person thinks so, Gayle. I truly appreciate your glowing review.
Comment from amahra
I loved this story. At first it seemed the girl wanted to commit suicide because of some lost love. Then she turns to a crow or a crow is having a dream. I'm sure I screwed that up. LOL But I still liked it. Also, I read your author notes about the truth about crows and Native Americans.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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I loved this story. At first it seemed the girl wanted to commit suicide because of some lost love. Then she turns to a crow or a crow is having a dream. I'm sure I screwed that up. LOL But I still liked it. Also, I read your author notes about the truth about crows and Native Americans.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Nope, you didn't screw it up at all, amahra, you've pretty much nailed it, in fact, LOL.
Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it!
Comment from NicciFaye
Beautiful in presentation. Magnificent in thought and suberp in words shared...I loved this and you truly amaze me of the horror that can be transcribed and the beauty of peace that follows. Expectionally beautiful and love this..
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Beautiful in presentation. Magnificent in thought and suberp in words shared...I loved this and you truly amaze me of the horror that can be transcribed and the beauty of peace that follows. Expectionally beautiful and love this..
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Thanks so much for your encouraging words and stellar review, Nicci. Your support is truly appreciated!
Comment from SimplyaStudent
Good as usual Dean, glad to see your still writing.:) And due to the fact that you have provided in the footnotes, I stand corrected, I thought crows were a sign of death.
It would make sense however given where one might usually find them.:) SS
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Good as usual Dean, glad to see your still writing.:) And due to the fact that you have provided in the footnotes, I stand corrected, I thought crows were a sign of death.
It would make sense however given where one might usually find them.:) SS
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Thank you very much for the review, SimplyaStudent. I sincerely appreciate it.
Comment from GargoyleSocks
Wonderful poem! I love the story! It has great flow and rhyme, was fun to read. I like your notes at the end too. Interesting facts about Native American culture :-)
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Wonderful poem! I love the story! It has great flow and rhyme, was fun to read. I like your notes at the end too. Interesting facts about Native American culture :-)
Comment Written 01-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2014
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Thanks a million, GargoyleSocks (cool users name!), I am very glad that you liked it. I also thank you for those six shining stars!
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You are welcome! Thanks, I'm glad you like my name :)
