A Murder Most Fowl
It's best to be happy with who--or what--we are...138 total reviews
Comment from Leineco
Hey Dean :-)
Love the poem/nod to mythology. Interesting turn in the final quarter with the Aesop-like "moral" of God's grace triumphing! You know I could sit here and sing your praises endlessly (regarding rhyme craft, meter and phrasing) - so consider the song sung.
But I do want to make a few suggestions for fine-tuning:
re:
1) a place she knew, where skies so blue, bequeathed eerie delights.
I think eerie lacks phonetic strength. Would like to recommend breathtaking/heart-stopping/stunning/spine tingling/uncanny/spectral as possible replacements
2) Wasn't long 'til dour swan's song lulled low, so softly sweet,
I think Twasn't is more in keeping with the other contractions used (like 'til and 'twas)
3) lithe melancholy melodies came fawning at her feet.
Purely personal taste, I suppose, I just happen to like melancholic instead of melancholy. Actually, both have their own reason for inclusion :-)
4) On craggy ledge she aptly edged above the jagged rock.
I really don't like aptly here - though I understand the intention of appropriately - I find it is misleading it "feels" like competently. Thought you might consider deftly, warily or gingerly
5) Those rocks below no pities know ~ no use even trying.
Rhythmically, I would add in between use & even (i.e. Those rocks below no pities know ~ no use in even trying)
6) I hear you not, all life has wrought soon ends, once off this ledge!
Personally, I think it reads more naturally with the comma after wrought instead of ends.
7) Tucked in the trees breathing cool breeze this fair raven now knows,Again, rhythmically, (and to some degree for clarity) I'd like to see commas added after trees and breeze.
8) that life is good within the wood with her murder of crows.
With is a little bland/blah - would you consider amongst?
I know this looks like a long list. . .but it's really just a batch of small nits :-)
Doesn't change for a minute that I truly enjoyed the write!
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Hey Dean :-)
Love the poem/nod to mythology. Interesting turn in the final quarter with the Aesop-like "moral" of God's grace triumphing! You know I could sit here and sing your praises endlessly (regarding rhyme craft, meter and phrasing) - so consider the song sung.
But I do want to make a few suggestions for fine-tuning:
re:
1) a place she knew, where skies so blue, bequeathed eerie delights.
I think eerie lacks phonetic strength. Would like to recommend breathtaking/heart-stopping/stunning/spine tingling/uncanny/spectral as possible replacements
2) Wasn't long 'til dour swan's song lulled low, so softly sweet,
I think Twasn't is more in keeping with the other contractions used (like 'til and 'twas)
3) lithe melancholy melodies came fawning at her feet.
Purely personal taste, I suppose, I just happen to like melancholic instead of melancholy. Actually, both have their own reason for inclusion :-)
4) On craggy ledge she aptly edged above the jagged rock.
I really don't like aptly here - though I understand the intention of appropriately - I find it is misleading it "feels" like competently. Thought you might consider deftly, warily or gingerly
5) Those rocks below no pities know ~ no use even trying.
Rhythmically, I would add in between use & even (i.e. Those rocks below no pities know ~ no use in even trying)
6) I hear you not, all life has wrought soon ends, once off this ledge!
Personally, I think it reads more naturally with the comma after wrought instead of ends.
7) Tucked in the trees breathing cool breeze this fair raven now knows,Again, rhythmically, (and to some degree for clarity) I'd like to see commas added after trees and breeze.
8) that life is good within the wood with her murder of crows.
With is a little bland/blah - would you consider amongst?
I know this looks like a long list. . .but it's really just a batch of small nits :-)
Doesn't change for a minute that I truly enjoyed the write!
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Thanks so much for the wonderfully in depth review, Leineco. I appreciate that.
I have made several revisions, I hope it reads much more smoothly now.
Thanks again, my friend!
Comment from seaglass
This s lovely rhyme in old world fashion. Wording give flavor of 18th-19th century. True, about the crow. Both science and legend contribute to them intelligence, having good memories and problem-solving skills. True also, many native consider them totems. One Plains Tribe are even named after them.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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This s lovely rhyme in old world fashion. Wording give flavor of 18th-19th century. True, about the crow. Both science and legend contribute to them intelligence, having good memories and problem-solving skills. True also, many native consider them totems. One Plains Tribe are even named after them.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Thanks, seaglass, and you're absolutely right on all counts, my friend. I sincerely appreciate your time and excellent review.
Comment from damettagin
Absolutely stellar ! Perfect rhyming within and every end. Has a melodious sound when spoken out loud. Quite a pleasure to read your poem about a crow's dream and realization of, accepting with grace, what he is. Well done.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Absolutely stellar ! Perfect rhyming within and every end. Has a melodious sound when spoken out loud. Quite a pleasure to read your poem about a crow's dream and realization of, accepting with grace, what he is. Well done.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Thank you very much, damettagin. What a wonderful compliment you've bestowed upon me with your fantastic review!
Comment from JavaJunkie
Am so glad that I have six stars to give you!
You have so beautifully combined poetry and story. I really enjoyed the twist and turn that it took in the middle and then again the end.
I don't think I can pick one line to be my favorite they are all done so well.
So creatively and beautifully done!
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Am so glad that I have six stars to give you!
You have so beautifully combined poetry and story. I really enjoyed the twist and turn that it took in the middle and then again the end.
I don't think I can pick one line to be my favorite they are all done so well.
So creatively and beautifully done!
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Thanks so much for your glowing review, JavaJunkie. I apologize if this seems too brief, but internet down-time has put me drastically behind the proverbial eight-ball. Just know I truly appreciate your time and effort. Most sincerely!
Comment from vapros
I asked the raven about this, and he said 'nevermore'. He advised that Lenore had hit the bottom and expired. On the other hand, the crow is the smartest bird around, so I can't be sure.
Dean, this is your very best stuff. Great imagination, as usual, and great fabrication, with internal rhymes and fine cadence. I have been entertained, again.
Bill
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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I asked the raven about this, and he said 'nevermore'. He advised that Lenore had hit the bottom and expired. On the other hand, the crow is the smartest bird around, so I can't be sure.
Dean, this is your very best stuff. Great imagination, as usual, and great fabrication, with internal rhymes and fine cadence. I have been entertained, again.
Bill
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Thanks a million, Bill, I truly appreciate that you feel that way. I really appreciate it, my friend!
Comment from tbacha58
Dearest Dean, not only you present us with an amazing picture, you also present us with a master piece poem, full of philosophy to compare to our living lives in the now. I am sure your message has been passed through your writing. You do have , as always a tremendous way of presenting your poems with words that mean much more then what we actually think we know. You allow the reader to keep thinking while reading , a very deep philosophy, for me, its a must to our everyday living. Thank you. Love Terry xoxo
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Dearest Dean, not only you present us with an amazing picture, you also present us with a master piece poem, full of philosophy to compare to our living lives in the now. I am sure your message has been passed through your writing. You do have , as always a tremendous way of presenting your poems with words that mean much more then what we actually think we know. You allow the reader to keep thinking while reading , a very deep philosophy, for me, its a must to our everyday living. Thank you. Love Terry xoxo
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Thank so much for your always encouraging words of wisdom, Terry. I sincerely appreciate your kind and generous review, and you yourself, my friend.
Comment from dmt1967
This is a good poem my friend I liked it very much the story in the poem was very well told and I loved the picture as well thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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This is a good poem my friend I liked it very much the story in the poem was very well told and I loved the picture as well thank you for sharing
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Thanks you very much for your kind review and generous rating, dmt1967. Much obliged, my friend!
Comment from DALLAS01
What a perfect combination of story telling, art work and poetry. Vivid imagery and mystery; perfect cadence, and inner-line rhyming. What more can one ask for? The author notes are always appreciated and add to a stellar production.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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What a perfect combination of story telling, art work and poetry. Vivid imagery and mystery; perfect cadence, and inner-line rhyming. What more can one ask for? The author notes are always appreciated and add to a stellar production.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Thanks you, DALLAS, very much. I will take such kind words of encouragement any day of the week, my dear friend!
Comment from lancellot
A very good piece. I like the poems you write that are not only made for reading enjoyment, but also to teach a little thing or two about other cultures and history. Well done.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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A very good piece. I like the poems you write that are not only made for reading enjoyment, but also to teach a little thing or two about other cultures and history. Well done.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Thanks for your very kind and generous review, Lance. Much obliged.
Comment from Bayberry
Another work of skill and learning through the Author notes you present, my friend. I very much enjoyed reading this posting and learning about the crows. I think it's also the name of a specific tribe.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Another work of skill and learning through the Author notes you present, my friend. I very much enjoyed reading this posting and learning about the crows. I think it's also the name of a specific tribe.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Thanks so much for your glowing review, Bayberry. I apologize if this seems too brief, but internet down-time has put me drastically behind the proverbial eight-ball. Just know I truly appreciate your time and effort, most sincerely!
