The Clovis Point
Two tales intertwined in time and place33 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
What a clever and very original plot! I enjoyed this story immensely. I have only one suggestion, and that is this sentence: "The next morning represented..." It seemed a bit awkward way of saying the morning was a typical one for Eastern New Mexico. (A very minor detail, and perhaps just me - :)
I always enjoy reading your work. You seem to come up with the most original ideas! This was so authentic, your characters easy to imagine, your descriptions rich and vivid. Great entertainment!
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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What a clever and very original plot! I enjoyed this story immensely. I have only one suggestion, and that is this sentence: "The next morning represented..." It seemed a bit awkward way of saying the morning was a typical one for Eastern New Mexico. (A very minor detail, and perhaps just me - :)
I always enjoy reading your work. You seem to come up with the most original ideas! This was so authentic, your characters easy to imagine, your descriptions rich and vivid. Great entertainment!
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Thanks so much for reading and your observation. The reason I'm on FS is for suggestions like yours. Spot on! Regards, Bill
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What a nice thing to say! You are very welcome. :)
Comment from Cherokee messenger
I gave this a five star rating because looking at it objectively, the writing itself is well done and the historical facts seem to be well researched.
However, on a subjective level, I have problems with it I think perhaps you should be made aware. As a woman of Indian heritage who hunts for Indian artifacts as a hobby, my perspective is that this work contains covert remarks of sexism and racism.
"How in the hell do the networks get away with their total sexism? Surely somewhere, there is a fat, ugly girl who would like to be a reporter." --is this to say beautiful women are not competent reporters?
"Hey, I've been ready, but I don't have to smooth my hair and check make-up." --wouldn't a male reporter be checking his look just as much?
"In his culture, manhood had little to do with art and accomplishment. It had to do with killing. Their culture was one of slaughtering large animals..." --their culture was one of surviving and taking only what was needed to feed the tribe --with every part used, and little wasted.
"Walking to the edge of the cave, he pulled his penis out and peed. The pungent flow hit the ground with a splash of steam. He shivered and thought, today I become a man." :)
I hope I have not offended you in any way. That is certainly not my intention. But I would be remiss if I did not present a point of view here that many Indian and female readers would never take the time to share with you. I hope you will take this criticism in the spirit it is given, and use it as an opportunity to see things through the eyes of those you may be different than you.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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I gave this a five star rating because looking at it objectively, the writing itself is well done and the historical facts seem to be well researched.
However, on a subjective level, I have problems with it I think perhaps you should be made aware. As a woman of Indian heritage who hunts for Indian artifacts as a hobby, my perspective is that this work contains covert remarks of sexism and racism.
"How in the hell do the networks get away with their total sexism? Surely somewhere, there is a fat, ugly girl who would like to be a reporter." --is this to say beautiful women are not competent reporters?
"Hey, I've been ready, but I don't have to smooth my hair and check make-up." --wouldn't a male reporter be checking his look just as much?
"In his culture, manhood had little to do with art and accomplishment. It had to do with killing. Their culture was one of slaughtering large animals..." --their culture was one of surviving and taking only what was needed to feed the tribe --with every part used, and little wasted.
"Walking to the edge of the cave, he pulled his penis out and peed. The pungent flow hit the ground with a splash of steam. He shivered and thought, today I become a man." :)
I hope I have not offended you in any way. That is certainly not my intention. But I would be remiss if I did not present a point of view here that many Indian and female readers would never take the time to share with you. I hope you will take this criticism in the spirit it is given, and use it as an opportunity to see things through the eyes of those you may be different than you.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Not offended in any way. Thanks for reading. From what I've read about the Clovis, they often overkilled, especially channelling bison over cliffs and just slaughtering what the needed. I have Indian heritage as well, in my case Creek. Bill
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Thank you, Bill, I am glad to meet you. You make a good point about the Clovis people. I will look forward to reading more of your work.
Valerie
Comment from Tina McKala
This was interesting story, I liked the conenction and how history repeats itself (even in the tragic way). Nice story to think about.
a few suggestions (use or ignore as you think is the best)
Looking at her, all he could do is smile. // don't jump in tenses, keep it in past
His thought a simple one: // sentence fragment
A controversial endeavor as it closed down a construction site with considerable visibility. // sentence fragment
The reporter practically barked at the camera man // delete "practically" = it doesn't add anything to the story, it only takes intensity away from it
"What made you seek out those holes?" // nothing wrong with this sentence, but you have an unnecessary space before it
"Just a guess, but I would think that dropping it was an accident, but not retrieving it was a conscious decision." // lol!
Her summation: // again sentence fragment, I'm not sure about htis form as you used in this case or in the previous one with teh thought at the beginning. It doesn't read smoothly and it doesn't work well for me in a test like this. (but it might be only me)
but to him, uplifting and enlightened. // enlightening?
Dan parked where a friend had suggested. // where did that "friend" come from? whose friend? I'd say leave out the mention of him. We don't need to know
For now, the heat was just a bitch. // I'm not sure about "bitch" - when the writing is writen in a certain way, then I'm fine with swearing (my characters swear all the time), but here it sounds a bit off
Lots of blood. // sentence fragment and I'd suggest to reword this fragment as first from all the fragments I'm pointing out ;) It kind of killed the tension you were trying to built up there
Glancing around, he saw a stout stick that could serve as a possible splint. Dragging himself to the splint, his hand brushed against a sharp object, which brought a gasp. Looking down // these three sentences go in a row and all of tehm start with verb+ing - needs to be reworded for a better flow and to avoid the repetition of sentence structure
Still not considered a man. // sentence fragment
The broken bone had pierced his femoral artery. He felt cold. The light seemed to fade. Dron died. // I don't like this. You don't need the last sentence. Too many short sentences in a row like this don't read very well, and in this case it doesn't create any tension or anything similar, because already the first sentence says that he has a lethal injury and there is no hope for him. The rest is just stating what is obvious. The second and third sentence describe the death, but thefourth sentence is really not needed. Maybe consider ending it with the light - it faded until it became endless night (something like that)
pockets for identification. A driver's license confirmed the identification. // repetition of "identification"
he pulled his penis out and peed. // what about only saying that he peed. I believe everybody knows how men do it :) I think you wanted to point out that admiring his penis he realized he was already a man, and that he can use it also for different things than peeing, but I believe you can do it in a less funny way. You were talking about his first time with a woman during 2 - 3 paragraphs, you really don't need this (I'm not a prude, but I just found this part unecessary - my personal taste)
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reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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This was interesting story, I liked the conenction and how history repeats itself (even in the tragic way). Nice story to think about.
a few suggestions (use or ignore as you think is the best)
Looking at her, all he could do is smile. // don't jump in tenses, keep it in past
His thought a simple one: // sentence fragment
A controversial endeavor as it closed down a construction site with considerable visibility. // sentence fragment
The reporter practically barked at the camera man // delete "practically" = it doesn't add anything to the story, it only takes intensity away from it
"What made you seek out those holes?" // nothing wrong with this sentence, but you have an unnecessary space before it
"Just a guess, but I would think that dropping it was an accident, but not retrieving it was a conscious decision." // lol!
Her summation: // again sentence fragment, I'm not sure about htis form as you used in this case or in the previous one with teh thought at the beginning. It doesn't read smoothly and it doesn't work well for me in a test like this. (but it might be only me)
but to him, uplifting and enlightened. // enlightening?
Dan parked where a friend had suggested. // where did that "friend" come from? whose friend? I'd say leave out the mention of him. We don't need to know
For now, the heat was just a bitch. // I'm not sure about "bitch" - when the writing is writen in a certain way, then I'm fine with swearing (my characters swear all the time), but here it sounds a bit off
Lots of blood. // sentence fragment and I'd suggest to reword this fragment as first from all the fragments I'm pointing out ;) It kind of killed the tension you were trying to built up there
Glancing around, he saw a stout stick that could serve as a possible splint. Dragging himself to the splint, his hand brushed against a sharp object, which brought a gasp. Looking down // these three sentences go in a row and all of tehm start with verb+ing - needs to be reworded for a better flow and to avoid the repetition of sentence structure
Still not considered a man. // sentence fragment
The broken bone had pierced his femoral artery. He felt cold. The light seemed to fade. Dron died. // I don't like this. You don't need the last sentence. Too many short sentences in a row like this don't read very well, and in this case it doesn't create any tension or anything similar, because already the first sentence says that he has a lethal injury and there is no hope for him. The rest is just stating what is obvious. The second and third sentence describe the death, but thefourth sentence is really not needed. Maybe consider ending it with the light - it faded until it became endless night (something like that)
pockets for identification. A driver's license confirmed the identification. // repetition of "identification"
he pulled his penis out and peed. // what about only saying that he peed. I believe everybody knows how men do it :) I think you wanted to point out that admiring his penis he realized he was already a man, and that he can use it also for different things than peeing, but I believe you can do it in a less funny way. You were talking about his first time with a woman during 2 - 3 paragraphs, you really don't need this (I'm not a prude, but I just found this part unecessary - my personal taste)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Thanks for reading and your suggestions. The sentence fragments you mentioned were all intentional. I've found that the can add some punch. Lots of your suggestions represent style differences. I'll have to check out some of your work. Bill
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well, i wrote onky my opinion as a reader, i am no expeet - suggestions - use or ignore, you are the author. i don't have my stuff here any longer.
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I took no offense from your review. Hopefully, didn't come across that way. I like the FS forum and took your suggestions seriously. Regards, Bill
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:-)
Comment from barleygirl
Nice job conceiving & telling these two parallel stories. Even tho the ending was a downer, it was realistic, no heroics, no drama. People die in the bush, your story conveys matter-of-factly. What makes your story realistic is the way an archeologist would understandably keep his "dig" a secret, so nobody knew where he was, to do a rescue. I'm not crazy about the opening news story; I would've preferred to get right to the main 2 stories. Good job, well-written, original, easy to follow. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Nice job conceiving & telling these two parallel stories. Even tho the ending was a downer, it was realistic, no heroics, no drama. People die in the bush, your story conveys matter-of-factly. What makes your story realistic is the way an archeologist would understandably keep his "dig" a secret, so nobody knew where he was, to do a rescue. I'm not crazy about the opening news story; I would've preferred to get right to the main 2 stories. Good job, well-written, original, easy to follow. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Thanks for reading, your kind comments and suggestions. I appreciate all. Bill
Comment from highlander104
Hi, Bill.
All I can say is "WOW!" Great story. Just love the parallel between the two men -- one from the present and one for the past. Do you think maybe the Shaman was predicting the future? I do.
Saw one little nit that wasn't caught by other reviewers:
[Confidentially] stepping toward the river - did you mean confidently?
Jean K.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Hi, Bill.
All I can say is "WOW!" Great story. Just love the parallel between the two men -- one from the present and one for the past. Do you think maybe the Shaman was predicting the future? I do.
Saw one little nit that wasn't caught by other reviewers:
[Confidentially] stepping toward the river - did you mean confidently?
Jean K.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Thanks for reading Jean, the compliment of the six and the spot. I appreciate all
Comment from jmdg1954
And very imaginative. I enjoyed this posting of a double story. You got this from watching thecHistory Chanel? That's an apparent good muse. I gotta stop watching do many sitcoms and sports.
Nicely put together. This kept my interest from start to finish. John
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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And very imaginative. I enjoyed this posting of a double story. You got this from watching thecHistory Chanel? That's an apparent good muse. I gotta stop watching do many sitcoms and sports.
Nicely put together. This kept my interest from start to finish. John
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Thanks ford reading John and your kind and generous review. regards, Bill
Comment from gclaudy
Simply outstanding! This was a very informative and engaging story. You must have done more than just watch a documentary on the Clovis people. To be educated and entertained at the same time requires a lot of skill and I really enjoyed this.
Guy
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Simply outstanding! This was a very informative and engaging story. You must have done more than just watch a documentary on the Clovis people. To be educated and entertained at the same time requires a lot of skill and I really enjoyed this.
Guy
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Thanks for reading and your kind and generous feedback. The tv show did motivate me to do some more research. Regards, Bill
Comment from Shirley B
Hi Bill, I love how you brought these two stories together. The today and the past both having a common theme. Gary looks for arrowheads and had hundreds. He also digs to find bottles and things so I really relate to your story. Most of his digging is done here in Oklahoma and Colorado. I like Florence Chert, because the rock is a little pick and it is found around here. Thank you for sharing, Shirley
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Hi Bill, I love how you brought these two stories together. The today and the past both having a common theme. Gary looks for arrowheads and had hundreds. He also digs to find bottles and things so I really relate to your story. Most of his digging is done here in Oklahoma and Colorado. I like Florence Chert, because the rock is a little pick and it is found around here. Thank you for sharing, Shirley
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Hi Shirley - thanks for the warm review. My wife makes fun of me when I'm walking outside - eyes always looking down for something. Some of my earliest memories of my grandmother is tramping around her farm looking for arrowheads. Always a thrill to find. Always warm regards, Bill
Comment from adewpearl
few moments of notoriety was - were
how do networks get away with sexism? -add question mark
You get inside Dan's inner thoughts well
Good use of natural-sounding dialogue
vivid description of the broken leg
light when Dron came too - came to
I just love the way the past and present stories come together - a masterful composition, my talented friend, with a wonderfully ironic ending. Brooke
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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few moments of notoriety was - were
how do networks get away with sexism? -add question mark
You get inside Dan's inner thoughts well
Good use of natural-sounding dialogue
vivid description of the broken leg
light when Dron came too - came to
I just love the way the past and present stories come together - a masterful composition, my talented friend, with a wonderfully ironic ending. Brooke
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Brooke - what a nice and generous review, accompanied by your willingness to help! I do appreciate all of the support you've always given me. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from Aiona
Awesome awesome story! I enjoyed it very much and not just because I lived in that part of the country and flint knapped a little. Caught one typo. When Dron is reminiscing about Cloud, you wrote:
"He lived my scraping hides."
I think you meant "BY scraping hides" right?
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Awesome awesome story! I enjoyed it very much and not just because I lived in that part of the country and flint knapped a little. Caught one typo. When Dron is reminiscing about Cloud, you wrote:
"He lived my scraping hides."
I think you meant "BY scraping hides" right?
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Thanks for reading, the kind feedback and spot! I appreciate all. Bill
