The Clovis Point
Two tales intertwined in time and place33 total reviews
Comment from GWHARGIS
Great story. I love how you describe the interaction between your characters. The reporter was wonderful. Bitchy when the light was off on the camera and polly perfect smile when the light was on. Great was to weave the two stories together. I really enjoyed this. Love your muse as well.
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Great story. I love how you describe the interaction between your characters. The reporter was wonderful. Bitchy when the light was off on the camera and polly perfect smile when the light was on. Great was to weave the two stories together. I really enjoyed this. Love your muse as well.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2014
Comment from Michaelk
Very interesting. I was expecting a science fiction time travel twist, but I liked your way of presenting it. You described your characters quite well. For your depth of description I was expecting a longer story. One thing it did do was make me curious about the story behind other objects. Good job. Good story.
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Very interesting. I was expecting a science fiction time travel twist, but I liked your way of presenting it. You described your characters quite well. For your depth of description I was expecting a longer story. One thing it did do was make me curious about the story behind other objects. Good job. Good story.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2014
Comment from Winslow
Dear Bhogg,
An exciting story of two parallel occurences, albeit thousands years apart. I don't think a wolf should be the prey though since for 60,000 years they have been the friend of man. Do you live in New Mexico? Your descriptions are vivid and the reader can see what you describe.
You are very wordy and overuse was. You also have a penchant for word repetition.
Here is a suggested edit for this section:
It surprised Dron to see the wolf rise and run. His spear, still inside her, banged on the ground. Grabbing his other spear, he began chase. She moved quickly, but Dron steadily gained ground.
He saw the river in front of them, and knew she would head there. Shifting the spear to his right hand, he hoped to get close enough to strike her, but then she disappeared. The scrub brush hid a gap in the hillside, and he tried to slow his momentum, but was too late. He fell through the chasm just like the wolf.
I hope this helps.
Warm regards,
Winslow
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Dear Bhogg,
An exciting story of two parallel occurences, albeit thousands years apart. I don't think a wolf should be the prey though since for 60,000 years they have been the friend of man. Do you live in New Mexico? Your descriptions are vivid and the reader can see what you describe.
You are very wordy and overuse was. You also have a penchant for word repetition.
Here is a suggested edit for this section:
It surprised Dron to see the wolf rise and run. His spear, still inside her, banged on the ground. Grabbing his other spear, he began chase. She moved quickly, but Dron steadily gained ground.
He saw the river in front of them, and knew she would head there. Shifting the spear to his right hand, he hoped to get close enough to strike her, but then she disappeared. The scrub brush hid a gap in the hillside, and he tried to slow his momentum, but was too late. He fell through the chasm just like the wolf.
I hope this helps.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 28-Mar-2014
Comment from Loren (7)
Fascinating without doubt. Don't know if you have plans to expand this or not, but it certainly seems you have several options. Loved the way you put life into each of your characters regardless of how small their part. I seldom get a chance to watch the History Channel - seems like it's my loss, however I'm not sure my muse is quite up to the challenge you've presented here. Great job!
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014
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Fascinating without doubt. Don't know if you have plans to expand this or not, but it certainly seems you have several options. Loved the way you put life into each of your characters regardless of how small their part. I seldom get a chance to watch the History Channel - seems like it's my loss, however I'm not sure my muse is quite up to the challenge you've presented here. Great job!
Comment Written 28-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2014
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Thanks for reading Loren and your very generous feedback! Bill
Comment from ennahanid
A real deal 5 and a virtual 6 as I am out of them. I kind of liked the way you lead the reader astray from the course you would take. I chuckled at the remarks about the 'fat girl' and 'hair and make-up' as that made no doubt that a man was there with his slightly twisted tongue and thought and at this point the whole thing is a mystery to the reader.
So now the reader is in and not knowing where this is going, but if they want out they gotta hang around...boom!!!!!!...
down to business and now I am out here with Dan, I am excited at the adventure and want to be in on it but to him the heat is just a bitch, but to me, fair-skinned it is darn hot and I fall back a bit. I saw him fall and there was nothing I could do to help him and I fell to my knees crying then when I look up and get up I am behind a different person, a wild looking person - talk about confuddling confusion - he's got spears and tools and all sorts of stuff and he is tying it up in a tree, then seems like he is pacing a wolf and spearing her, but she continues and lo and behold I swear I saw the same spot where Dan went down and I see this young fella going down just like Dan, but this was a far earlier time than Dan but same place.
I knew they were both dead and long gone, so I stepped back into your page for the end. A sad end but nothing I could do to save the day.
Okay! That was fun...did I tell you I enjoyed this? I certainly did - Dinah
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2014
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A real deal 5 and a virtual 6 as I am out of them. I kind of liked the way you lead the reader astray from the course you would take. I chuckled at the remarks about the 'fat girl' and 'hair and make-up' as that made no doubt that a man was there with his slightly twisted tongue and thought and at this point the whole thing is a mystery to the reader.
So now the reader is in and not knowing where this is going, but if they want out they gotta hang around...boom!!!!!!...
down to business and now I am out here with Dan, I am excited at the adventure and want to be in on it but to him the heat is just a bitch, but to me, fair-skinned it is darn hot and I fall back a bit. I saw him fall and there was nothing I could do to help him and I fell to my knees crying then when I look up and get up I am behind a different person, a wild looking person - talk about confuddling confusion - he's got spears and tools and all sorts of stuff and he is tying it up in a tree, then seems like he is pacing a wolf and spearing her, but she continues and lo and behold I swear I saw the same spot where Dan went down and I see this young fella going down just like Dan, but this was a far earlier time than Dan but same place.
I knew they were both dead and long gone, so I stepped back into your page for the end. A sad end but nothing I could do to save the day.
Okay! That was fun...did I tell you I enjoyed this? I certainly did - Dinah
Comment Written 28-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2014
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Hope you enjoyed as much as I enjoyed your review! Bill
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
I found the piece well written without SPAG. Being broken into three parts was especially significant. The second part about Dron was written in the style of Jean M. Auel, author of 'The Clan of the Cave Bear'. Interesting from start to finish. As a teenager living up Burrard Inlet a few miles north of Vancouver, BC, I collected Indian artifacts. One day, I looked up and saw a point sticking out of a glacial morrainal seaside cliff. I gently pulled out an eight inch spear head that was later on verified as being 3000 years old due to its encrusted iron oxide patina and where it was discovered. That electric thrill has lasted over 50 years.
Regards:
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I found the piece well written without SPAG. Being broken into three parts was especially significant. The second part about Dron was written in the style of Jean M. Auel, author of 'The Clan of the Cave Bear'. Interesting from start to finish. As a teenager living up Burrard Inlet a few miles north of Vancouver, BC, I collected Indian artifacts. One day, I looked up and saw a point sticking out of a glacial morrainal seaside cliff. I gently pulled out an eight inch spear head that was later on verified as being 3000 years old due to its encrusted iron oxide patina and where it was discovered. That electric thrill has lasted over 50 years.
Regards:
Comment Written 28-Mar-2014
Comment from dalewarren59
You've done an excellent job with intertwining the two stories and your descriptive words and phrases draw the reader right into the story. However, quite frankly I didn't understand the first part about the TV interview. I can see where this gives credibility to Dan as an archeological expert, I felt you spent too much time describing the news reporter and you just kind of " left her out there". Maybe have her come back with her photographer to do a story on Dan's death or something to show she has more of a purpose for being in the story (other than her twitching exit ;)
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2014
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You've done an excellent job with intertwining the two stories and your descriptive words and phrases draw the reader right into the story. However, quite frankly I didn't understand the first part about the TV interview. I can see where this gives credibility to Dan as an archeological expert, I felt you spent too much time describing the news reporter and you just kind of " left her out there". Maybe have her come back with her photographer to do a story on Dan's death or something to show she has more of a purpose for being in the story (other than her twitching exit ;)
Comment Written 28-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2014
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Hi Dale - thanks for reading. You have an opinion, so certainly can share it. Perhaps not the way you would have written, but surprised with your rating. Bill
Comment from angelface2
We find inspiration in the strangest places sometimes. You wrote a good story. I loved reading it. The picture is superb for your story. Miss Sally
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2014
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We find inspiration in the strangest places sometimes. You wrote a good story. I loved reading it. The picture is superb for your story. Miss Sally
Comment Written 28-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2014
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Thanks for reading and your kind feedback! Bill
Comment from humpwhistle
Ah, Bill, you've got more guts than I do--tackling a complex, two-time zone story in so few words. But you pulled it off like a champ. The Clovis point is one of those scents for the archeological bloodhounds.
Just a nit about the opening scene: Unless this was an 'ambush' (and it didn't seem to be), the reporter wouldn't introduce herself on camera. Nor would she be surprised by what she heard. So, if this was an 'ambush', maybe that aspect of the interview could be useful?
Just a thought.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2014
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Ah, Bill, you've got more guts than I do--tackling a complex, two-time zone story in so few words. But you pulled it off like a champ. The Clovis point is one of those scents for the archeological bloodhounds.
Just a nit about the opening scene: Unless this was an 'ambush' (and it didn't seem to be), the reporter wouldn't introduce herself on camera. Nor would she be surprised by what she heard. So, if this was an 'ambush', maybe that aspect of the interview could be useful?
Just a thought.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 28-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2014
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Thanks Lee - I appreciate you reading and for your thought to ponder. I will. Bill
Comment from Zue65
What a clever technique, you killed two important characters in your story, Dan and Dron and we, the readers keep guessing what will happen next. Is this story ending or will it have a sequel to explore further the story behind Clovis points? Anyway thanks for sharing this.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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What a clever technique, you killed two important characters in your story, Dan and Dron and we, the readers keep guessing what will happen next. Is this story ending or will it have a sequel to explore further the story behind Clovis points? Anyway thanks for sharing this.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2014
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Thanks for reading and your kind comments. I don't think a sequel, but glad you enjoyed. Bill
