An Unfinished Man
Thank God chicks dig scars. ;)45 total reviews
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Marillon
you indeed did very well using iambic Pentameter and your rhyme scheme describing your scars, when you looked at your self in the mirror this part is really good-
The basal cell incisions, razor blights,
And various and sundry scrapes or cuts
Collected by a boy who challenged fate.
However, wisdom clutched a share of guts,
Gert
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Hello Marillon
you indeed did very well using iambic Pentameter and your rhyme scheme describing your scars, when you looked at your self in the mirror this part is really good-
The basal cell incisions, razor blights,
And various and sundry scrapes or cuts
Collected by a boy who challenged fate.
However, wisdom clutched a share of guts,
Gert
Comment Written 14-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, my friend!
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Pragmatic and poetic at the same time, this poem will definitely please any reader. I really like the last two lines. They seem particularly open to new experiences.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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Pragmatic and poetic at the same time, this poem will definitely please any reader. I really like the last two lines. They seem particularly open to new experiences.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, Crystie! I appreciate that!
Comment from Rondeno
The aging warhorse isn't quite ready to leave things be, despite the damage which his body evidences. Strangely sad, this one - despite its never-say-die ending. Isn't this rime royal? It's excellent, anyhow. Nods in the direction of Apocalypse Now and The Illustrated Man, while remaining entirely original.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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The aging warhorse isn't quite ready to leave things be, despite the damage which his body evidences. Strangely sad, this one - despite its never-say-die ending. Isn't this rime royal? It's excellent, anyhow. Nods in the direction of Apocalypse Now and The Illustrated Man, while remaining entirely original.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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Many thanks, Mike, and you're right about the form. I appreciate the kind thoughts. This one was better received than I thought it might be.
Comment from rama devi
Another outstanding introspective poem in superbly crafted rhyme and meter style. Excellent flow. Very fine phonetics (sounds good read aloud) with deftly woven poetic devices. A clear message, too. Good conversational tone and narrative flavor.
My favorite section is the second half of the poem:
Unique and well phrased with apt verbs and great assonance:
However, wisdom clutched a share of guts,
And as I aged I cauterized the trait
Potent image:
Of sprinting recklessly with blow-torch eyes,
*one suggestions:
Exhaling hell-for-leather battle cries(,)
Love these lines, so articulately phrased:
Which, voiced with wild abandon, lacked technique,
But when impinged with cause, became a roar.
Superb closing lines--accentuating the theme:
I rub each scar, remember, smile, and speak
Of perfect imperfections -- give me more.
Bravo
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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Another outstanding introspective poem in superbly crafted rhyme and meter style. Excellent flow. Very fine phonetics (sounds good read aloud) with deftly woven poetic devices. A clear message, too. Good conversational tone and narrative flavor.
My favorite section is the second half of the poem:
Unique and well phrased with apt verbs and great assonance:
However, wisdom clutched a share of guts,
And as I aged I cauterized the trait
Potent image:
Of sprinting recklessly with blow-torch eyes,
*one suggestions:
Exhaling hell-for-leather battle cries(,)
Love these lines, so articulately phrased:
Which, voiced with wild abandon, lacked technique,
But when impinged with cause, became a roar.
Superb closing lines--accentuating the theme:
I rub each scar, remember, smile, and speak
Of perfect imperfections -- give me more.
Bravo
Love,
rd
Comment Written 14-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, my friend, for your sixer, and your attention to detail. I do appreciate it! I'll take a look at that comma, too.
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:-))) You get most of my sixes!
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, marillion, you didd an excellent job writing this poetic tale of the man who looks at imperfections as a a badge for the trouble he's overcome.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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this is very well written, marillion, you didd an excellent job writing this poetic tale of the man who looks at imperfections as a a badge for the trouble he's overcome.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much, my friend.
Comment from Katzintx
seriously are you telling me a ceiling fan was your muse for this piece that's it I am having some real moments of amazement. As always good work.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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seriously are you telling me a ceiling fan was your muse for this piece that's it I am having some real moments of amazement. As always good work.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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It really was, Katz...for the second time now. THank you!
Comment from Gloria ....
This is the end, my only friend, the end. You know that recurring ceiling fan made me think of the hotel room freak out scene in Apocalypse Now. If I recollect correctly that was the first time I ever saw a ceiling fan (even though it was a movie) and it made a big impression on me. I never leave my ceiling fan on when I'm sleeping because I'm afraid it's gonna turn into the scythe pendulum like in Edgar Allan Poe's story. Kidding... Sort of. :$ That would make a big scar though.
Sounds like you got yourself into a few scrapes in your life and when you cut, you cut to the bone. I don't know how anybody can even ride a Harley they're so heavy. I would have no ability to upright it if it fell over. Ugh.
It's a good thing you nipped all that war path stuff in the bud, or there'd be more scar tissue than soft tissue left on you.
Good poem though. Your getting inspiration from a ceiling fan gives a whole new meaning to the word FanStory.
Keep going and I'm looking forward to a Rogue poem tomorrow.
Gloria
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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This is the end, my only friend, the end. You know that recurring ceiling fan made me think of the hotel room freak out scene in Apocalypse Now. If I recollect correctly that was the first time I ever saw a ceiling fan (even though it was a movie) and it made a big impression on me. I never leave my ceiling fan on when I'm sleeping because I'm afraid it's gonna turn into the scythe pendulum like in Edgar Allan Poe's story. Kidding... Sort of. :$ That would make a big scar though.
Sounds like you got yourself into a few scrapes in your life and when you cut, you cut to the bone. I don't know how anybody can even ride a Harley they're so heavy. I would have no ability to upright it if it fell over. Ugh.
It's a good thing you nipped all that war path stuff in the bud, or there'd be more scar tissue than soft tissue left on you.
Good poem though. Your getting inspiration from a ceiling fan gives a whole new meaning to the word FanStory.
Keep going and I'm looking forward to a Rogue poem tomorrow.
Gloria
Comment Written 13-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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You're the second one who mentioned Apocolypse Now, Gloria, but it's been so long since I've seen it, I don't remember that scene. Good call on the Poe Scythe Ceiling Fan Fear Syndrome. I'd be happy to keep you company if you're scared in bed. ;-)
Thanks so much, my friend, for your always entertaining and appreciated review.
Comment from royowen
I noticed a couple of your poems I've read have the ceiling fan. I love the mix of the metaphorical and descriptive language used in this poem. It creates vivid imagery in the narrative! The the rhyme is honest, and the rhythm has an even meter. Well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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I noticed a couple of your poems I've read have the ceiling fan. I love the mix of the metaphorical and descriptive language used in this poem. It creates vivid imagery in the narrative! The the rhyme is honest, and the rhythm has an even meter. Well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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Thanks so much, Roy. I appreciate it!
Comment from Julia.
I think I like this poem the best of the recent ones I've read from you. It has a reflective nature that I can really relate to--in fact, I was just looking at the scars on my arm (nothing serious, just various marks I've accrued over the years) and thinking how much character they give. Er, maybe that's a bit narcissistic, but there's something bland about smooth pale unblemished skin. Or maybe I'm just weird.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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I think I like this poem the best of the recent ones I've read from you. It has a reflective nature that I can really relate to--in fact, I was just looking at the scars on my arm (nothing serious, just various marks I've accrued over the years) and thinking how much character they give. Er, maybe that's a bit narcissistic, but there's something bland about smooth pale unblemished skin. Or maybe I'm just weird.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, Julia! This one really resonated with some people, and I almost thought of it as a throwaway poem. Glad I posted it. I know what you mean about the smooth skinned, too. No adventure. :)
Comment from Dawn of Tomorrow
Not all chicks do, darling! If only I could get inspiration by watching a ceiling fan. What joy that would be. Maybe I should try that, methinks I'd just fall asleep, LOL Impatiently waiting for my sonnet! Love this rhyme scheme.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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Not all chicks do, darling! If only I could get inspiration by watching a ceiling fan. What joy that would be. Maybe I should try that, methinks I'd just fall asleep, LOL Impatiently waiting for my sonnet! Love this rhyme scheme.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2014
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Thank you, my friend. I'll try to write the sonnet this weekend. It's been a busy week.
