An Unfinished Man
Thank God chicks dig scars. ;)45 total reviews
Comment from MAB
Fantastic man. I love all your Sonnets and their different forms. Keep it up. Ive been a fan for while just haven't had the time to read any. Hope to hear more of your stuff when you get a chance to get back on.
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Fantastic man. I love all your Sonnets and their different forms. Keep it up. Ive been a fan for while just haven't had the time to read any. Hope to hear more of your stuff when you get a chance to get back on.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2015
Comment from mountainwriter49
Hi, David
This is a most interesting write. Contemplative and deep. Layered, as are perhaps the scar tissue beneath the now healed over wounds. You may use the ceiling fan as a muser, mine is music by the fire.
I'm left somewhat with a haunting feel about this this poem. I'll probably dream about it as part of trying to peel the onion.
And it goes without saying, your meter and rhyme is spot on.
Ray
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Hi, David
This is a most interesting write. Contemplative and deep. Layered, as are perhaps the scar tissue beneath the now healed over wounds. You may use the ceiling fan as a muser, mine is music by the fire.
I'm left somewhat with a haunting feel about this this poem. I'll probably dream about it as part of trying to peel the onion.
And it goes without saying, your meter and rhyme is spot on.
Ray
Comment Written 16-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Thanks so much, Ray. I've been shocked at the reception of this poem. It seems to have really resonated with people, and that's heartening. Thank you very much!
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You're welcome. Your poetry can be quite deep, and I admire that in a writer. My guess is you're an "NT" in the MBTI world of things. Oh yes, and congrats on winning POM this month!
RR
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I AM an NT, you clever Tar Heel! Thank you!
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I KNEW IT!!!
I'm an off-the-wall NT with a strong dose of I and a smithering of well mixed P/J.
-rr
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I can see that!
Comment from adewpearl
Sawyer is in love with ceiling fans. A trip to Target or Home Depot to see their fans is like Disney land to him. So glad to hear he isn't the only one. LOL
I like this aabcbc rhyme scheme
I just LOVE your opening couplet
good touches of alliteration like in trace the trophies
excellent meter and use of enjambment
love the closing idea of your perfect imperfections
a most thoughtful self-portrait in poetic form
Brooke
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Sawyer is in love with ceiling fans. A trip to Target or Home Depot to see their fans is like Disney land to him. So glad to hear he isn't the only one. LOL
I like this aabcbc rhyme scheme
I just LOVE your opening couplet
good touches of alliteration like in trace the trophies
excellent meter and use of enjambment
love the closing idea of your perfect imperfections
a most thoughtful self-portrait in poetic form
Brooke
Comment Written 16-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Glad to know my buddy Sawyer has the same thoughts on the matter, Brooke. :) Much appreciated, my friend! David
Comment from Alan K Pease
Having a soliloquy for a misspent youth having garnered all your battle scars with a Harley and all extracurricular activities might be explanation for some of your poems concerned with practical aspects of everyday life. No criticism intended.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Having a soliloquy for a misspent youth having garnered all your battle scars with a Harley and all extracurricular activities might be explanation for some of your poems concerned with practical aspects of everyday life. No criticism intended.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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None taken, my friend, and I do believe you're on to something.
Comment from comanalbert
not a bad idea with the fan but I doubt that I could have the same quality in dreams...Please tell me make and model maybe I get a chance...
Really enjoyed the description of the "creation process"!
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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not a bad idea with the fan but I doubt that I could have the same quality in dreams...Please tell me make and model maybe I get a chance...
Really enjoyed the description of the "creation process"!
Comment Written 15-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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LOL, thank you so much, my friend. It's all in the observer, brother.
Comment from Donya Quijote
This is an interesting way to look at one's life, through the reflection of a mirror and the recall of memory from tats and scars and aches and pains.
I like the tone of your poem. It's conciliatory. Your man doesn't boast; he just simply recalls the exploits of his youth. No regrets here either; he'd live his life the same way if he could do it again.
As I read, the image of a prize fighter kept coming to mind. Call it a Rocky flashback. Strange, wouldn't you say? But I don't think an occupation of any kind is defined here. Your man is just an ordinary man living his life.
Fluid and smooth, strong imagery, over all an enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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This is an interesting way to look at one's life, through the reflection of a mirror and the recall of memory from tats and scars and aches and pains.
I like the tone of your poem. It's conciliatory. Your man doesn't boast; he just simply recalls the exploits of his youth. No regrets here either; he'd live his life the same way if he could do it again.
As I read, the image of a prize fighter kept coming to mind. Call it a Rocky flashback. Strange, wouldn't you say? But I don't think an occupation of any kind is defined here. Your man is just an ordinary man living his life.
Fluid and smooth, strong imagery, over all an enjoyable read.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much, my friend, for that great and insightful review. Love your thoughts! I kind of understand the Rocky reference, too. I get that.
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
Love these bits:
drugged and dull, hard 'd's
The slow propellers of a nowhere man WOW!! line
grinding Love the 'verb'
feather-breeze
road-rashed
a friend of youth. Love the image presented
Its light emits a harsh, fluorescent truth
blemishes/foolish years. Love the s's
press/tats/scars, source, Love the s's
trace/trophies
basal cell incisions, razor blights,
Collected/ challenged/clutched/cauterized
blow-torch eyes,
Piece is laced with allegorical instances, astute imagery and intense alliteratives. Excellent.
Regards:
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Love these bits:
drugged and dull, hard 'd's
The slow propellers of a nowhere man WOW!! line
grinding Love the 'verb'
feather-breeze
road-rashed
a friend of youth. Love the image presented
Its light emits a harsh, fluorescent truth
blemishes/foolish years. Love the s's
press/tats/scars, source, Love the s's
trace/trophies
basal cell incisions, razor blights,
Collected/ challenged/clutched/cauterized
blow-torch eyes,
Piece is laced with allegorical instances, astute imagery and intense alliteratives. Excellent.
Regards:
Comment Written 15-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Stephen, thank you SO much for that sixer, my friend. I can't believe how well this one has done. Much appreciated on all counts!
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Dear M: Well deserved indeed.
Steve
Comment from The Death
Hi, David.
"Sleep-drugged and dull..."- I love the powerful impact of these words.
"....feather breeze - a ghostly chill"- gave me goosebumps.
Excellent use of R consonance in the first verse.
My favorite lines and the ones I connected with easily:
"The bathroom mirror waits, a friend of youth.
Its light emits a harsh fluorescent truth"
I wish I'd have written these lines. :-)
The changing time transforms life...turning an innocent boy into a mature man. But, the mirror--interior as well as exterior, reflects the blemishes of the past to glorify the present.
The mistakes are like a badge which warn us to not commit the same thing again.
Perfection is practically imperfect as it's all transient here.
I enjoyed reading this marvelous poem.
Great work!
Anupam:-)
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Hi, David.
"Sleep-drugged and dull..."- I love the powerful impact of these words.
"....feather breeze - a ghostly chill"- gave me goosebumps.
Excellent use of R consonance in the first verse.
My favorite lines and the ones I connected with easily:
"The bathroom mirror waits, a friend of youth.
Its light emits a harsh fluorescent truth"
I wish I'd have written these lines. :-)
The changing time transforms life...turning an innocent boy into a mature man. But, the mirror--interior as well as exterior, reflects the blemishes of the past to glorify the present.
The mistakes are like a badge which warn us to not commit the same thing again.
Perfection is practically imperfect as it's all transient here.
I enjoyed reading this marvelous poem.
Great work!
Anupam:-)
Comment Written 15-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Thank you so much, my friend, for your incredible review, your time, and that sixer you've placed on it. I appreciate it all!
Comment from padumachitta
Hello. Oi vey, this could be me, well many of us facing old Age and having a full youth.
It is the ceiling fan that draws me in. I do not sleep,8much) the ceiling has become my best friend and enemy...how many Poems and master peices have I written on that cobwebbed surface...how much life have I disected?
This guy too, this guy tooo.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Hello. Oi vey, this could be me, well many of us facing old Age and having a full youth.
It is the ceiling fan that draws me in. I do not sleep,8much) the ceiling has become my best friend and enemy...how many Poems and master peices have I written on that cobwebbed surface...how much life have I disected?
This guy too, this guy tooo.
padumachitta
Comment Written 14-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Thanks so much, Pad, for your great review, my friend. I'm glad it's not just me!
Comment from michaelcahill
I managed to save one of these knowing that something would just knock me on my ass! This is one of your best. A real slice of what runs us all. But, some a lot more than others. I still have a lot of this in me and it makes me kind of happy with myself that I do. It's a thrill to wake up at any age and say "give me more"! Perfection in word and thought. mikey
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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I managed to save one of these knowing that something would just knock me on my ass! This is one of your best. A real slice of what runs us all. But, some a lot more than others. I still have a lot of this in me and it makes me kind of happy with myself that I do. It's a thrill to wake up at any age and say "give me more"! Perfection in word and thought. mikey
Comment Written 14-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Mikey, that really means a lot to me, my friend. Thanks so much for your very kind review, and for the insight, as well. I really appreciate that sixer, as well as your flattering comments.
