Yosemite
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Old Friends and New"Acts of war have plunged Earth into catastrophe.
23 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
You will surely introduce characters in more detail as they take part in the plot, giving us something to connect them too. It's hard to recall info imparted all at once with no connection to the story. The only one you really fleshed out was Christine.
Relieved to hear there will be no baby to suffer and complicate life.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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You will surely introduce characters in more detail as they take part in the plot, giving us something to connect them too. It's hard to recall info imparted all at once with no connection to the story. The only one you really fleshed out was Christine.
Relieved to hear there will be no baby to suffer and complicate life.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2014
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Agree with all of that. I wanted to get the names and a little bit of who they were out there to avoid explaining too much later. I'll try to keep that in mind and do that as I go. Glad you agree about the baby. It would've been such a distraction I think. Appreciate the great tips. mikey
Comment from Selina Stambi
I had to smile, Mikey. This is Mikey at his finest ... your personality shines through your lines!
There's a little matter of punctuation .. :)
Nicely done! Have a lovely weekend.
Sonali :)
I knew (that) she was pregnant before she told me/ I imagine (that) it will be a relief to /
I don't think he knows (that) Jennifer (is) pregnant to begin with
handsome by the opposite sex(,) I imagine
Her willingness to make fun of me(,) I find endearing
She is not(.) I like that.
She is still somewhat overweight(,) but well within the boundaries of attractive(,) especially (with the combination of) an interesting personality and intellect.
Well, just musing as I have a predilection to do... the expression is .. to have a predilection FOR .. not sure this is the word you need here
As I said, there are (thirteen) of us in our little
You?ve met Jennifer and(,) to some degree(,) myself
Jefferson or Sir(.) (N)ot that I think it ever occurs to
anyone
For all I know(,) I am the oldest Johnny in
that at my advanced(,) or at least advancing age(,)( that - remove) I (wouldn't) factor in
I don?t truly understand why(,) but rest assured(,) I am
always
By that, I mean (that) there are four individuals unknown to the rest of the group until
First there is Christine(,) who is somewhere in the vicinity of (thirty) years old
She is voluptuous to say the least(,) and every man here(,) and a few of the girls as well(,) are drooling over her.
and there is many a sleepless(,) though pleasant night(,) daydreaming about her.
and entertainment going(,) even if it is
named Lacci and a (forty) something gal named Judy who
She is not unattractive at all(,) but seems somehow born to motherhood.
I have little regard for men(,) (s)o (no comma here) I?ll leave it to the ladies to fit him in somewhere.
is a caregiver like myself(,) but new to the company.
Then there are five clients(,) or I should say in reality former clients.
that I have little resentment for(,) yet find reprehensible within myself
.. try to avoid 'that' if it can be done without .. :)
hired help pregnant would (have) made for quite .. would've sounds more .. spoken
(H)e worries a lot and the source of his worry .. this sentence is fine without 'but' .. try to avoid using 'but', 'and' etc. when commencing a sentence, particularly a new para.
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I had to smile, Mikey. This is Mikey at his finest ... your personality shines through your lines!
There's a little matter of punctuation .. :)
Nicely done! Have a lovely weekend.
Sonali :)
I knew (that) she was pregnant before she told me/ I imagine (that) it will be a relief to /
I don't think he knows (that) Jennifer (is) pregnant to begin with
handsome by the opposite sex(,) I imagine
Her willingness to make fun of me(,) I find endearing
She is not(.) I like that.
She is still somewhat overweight(,) but well within the boundaries of attractive(,) especially (with the combination of) an interesting personality and intellect.
Well, just musing as I have a predilection to do... the expression is .. to have a predilection FOR .. not sure this is the word you need here
As I said, there are (thirteen) of us in our little
You?ve met Jennifer and(,) to some degree(,) myself
Jefferson or Sir(.) (N)ot that I think it ever occurs to
anyone
For all I know(,) I am the oldest Johnny in
that at my advanced(,) or at least advancing age(,)( that - remove) I (wouldn't) factor in
I don?t truly understand why(,) but rest assured(,) I am
always
By that, I mean (that) there are four individuals unknown to the rest of the group until
First there is Christine(,) who is somewhere in the vicinity of (thirty) years old
She is voluptuous to say the least(,) and every man here(,) and a few of the girls as well(,) are drooling over her.
and there is many a sleepless(,) though pleasant night(,) daydreaming about her.
and entertainment going(,) even if it is
named Lacci and a (forty) something gal named Judy who
She is not unattractive at all(,) but seems somehow born to motherhood.
I have little regard for men(,) (s)o (no comma here) I?ll leave it to the ladies to fit him in somewhere.
is a caregiver like myself(,) but new to the company.
Then there are five clients(,) or I should say in reality former clients.
that I have little resentment for(,) yet find reprehensible within myself
.. try to avoid 'that' if it can be done without .. :)
hired help pregnant would (have) made for quite .. would've sounds more .. spoken
(H)e worries a lot and the source of his worry .. this sentence is fine without 'but' .. try to avoid using 'but', 'and' etc. when commencing a sentence, particularly a new para.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2014
Comment from Marillion
Another fine chapter, Mikey, and I like the time you've taken with each. I see you're asking for suggestions, and my first would be to allot a small amount of time to each of the characters for their own perspective...but only if you plan on keeping some of them around long enough to develop them.
I do like your writing style, and the narrator is coming into clear focus now, too.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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Another fine chapter, Mikey, and I like the time you've taken with each. I see you're asking for suggestions, and my first would be to allot a small amount of time to each of the characters for their own perspective...but only if you plan on keeping some of them around long enough to develop them.
I do like your writing style, and the narrator is coming into clear focus now, too.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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Good advice. I would like to get the introductions out of the way so to speak. I hate having to introduce someone later in the story at the wrong moment. I keep wanting to throw a bombshell in every post, but I know I can't. Patience is difficult for me. Ha! mikey
Comment from GracieAnn
Mikey, this is a good start to revealing the players in the dire game of survival. Thought provoking line in The so-called challenged for the most part still embrace the call of the cared for as though it were a birthright. Is there room for a geek who can build things like MacGuiver, etc? Solid writing. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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Mikey, this is a good start to revealing the players in the dire game of survival. Thought provoking line in The so-called challenged for the most part still embrace the call of the cared for as though it were a birthright. Is there room for a geek who can build things like MacGuiver, etc? Solid writing. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 01-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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That's a good idea. I don't want him too clever though. I want to keep them in the dark. Trying to get all the characters introduced as quick as possible to avoid doing it latter. Thank you, mikey
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This is a good chapter, Mikey, it's a real shame about the baby, new life is going to be needed now, but can perhaps wait until a routine or some sort of way of life is again established. It was a good idea to introduce the members of your little group to start with, I am sure more will enter into it later. Starting again from the beginning, some will have to learn how to deal with killing and keeping meat to eat, water will need to be filtered before being drunk. There are lots of things that will have to be learnt as and when things come to an end and necessities run out. Good work on this one, look forward to the next. xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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This is a good chapter, Mikey, it's a real shame about the baby, new life is going to be needed now, but can perhaps wait until a routine or some sort of way of life is again established. It was a good idea to introduce the members of your little group to start with, I am sure more will enter into it later. Starting again from the beginning, some will have to learn how to deal with killing and keeping meat to eat, water will need to be filtered before being drunk. There are lots of things that will have to be learnt as and when things come to an end and necessities run out. Good work on this one, look forward to the next. xsx Sandra
Comment Written 01-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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Glad you agree with the early introductions. I've had problems in the past having to explain who someone is right in the middle of a crucial part of a piece. A real drag. With the short posts though I worry about it being dull. I just have to remember it is a long piece and every post can't be thrilling! Thank you, mikey
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I think you should have been more attentive to the loss of the baby. It would have a dramatic affect on a woman and you seemed to put more into talking about the sexy Christine. Four paragraphs for her. Just my opinion. xsx Nancy
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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I think you should have been more attentive to the loss of the baby. It would have a dramatic affect on a woman and you seemed to put more into talking about the sexy Christine. Four paragraphs for her. Just my opinion. xsx Nancy
Comment Written 01-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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I agree. They'll talk more about it in time. Jennifer doesn't want to talk yet, but they will before long. mikey
Comment from Nosha17
Good chapter with excellent characterisations; the characters in the aftermath of disaster come alive. You have made good use of language in your narrative and descriptions and it was an enjoyable read. Faye
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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Good chapter with excellent characterisations; the characters in the aftermath of disaster come alive. You have made good use of language in your narrative and descriptions and it was an enjoyable read. Faye
Comment Written 01-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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I'm getting good advice and encouragement. Thank you so much. I am pleased you are enjoying this. It does make me keep at it. In the real world this would already be gathering dust on the shelf!! mikey
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Mikey.
This is a good chapter, one that shares a very personal tragedy. Loosing a child is devastating. You showed this well at the beginning by opening with Jennifer's response.
Great group of characters used in your story, each different with their own personalities and issues.
Some suggestions :)
This is only my thought and please compare with others.
Jennifer's miscarriage is a huge ordeal. This would send most women into a deep depression, feeling of loss and loneliness. She isn't okay, which you showed well. They are living in unsettled conditions, unsure of what the future holds, and to top that, now Jennifer dealing with a huge loss.
To really showcase the characters, you can bring in more dialogue, show her feelings, and Johnny's reaction as her friend. I wouldn't focus on her weight or size. That can come out in a different spot. I would keep the focus on her loss. Others around how they react to the news, including the father of the baby, finding out that she was pregnant, and no longer. He's hit with the shock. How does he react to the news, how do others react?
Remember they are now living among dead bodies, possible terrorist attack and many unknowns. All would be on high alert, scared, unsettled, fearing possible starvation and loss. This would only compound the issues.
These are only suggestions and my own thoughts. By no means are they correct, but only ideas. You have a great story. I look forward to the next chapter.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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Hi, Mikey.
This is a good chapter, one that shares a very personal tragedy. Loosing a child is devastating. You showed this well at the beginning by opening with Jennifer's response.
Great group of characters used in your story, each different with their own personalities and issues.
Some suggestions :)
This is only my thought and please compare with others.
Jennifer's miscarriage is a huge ordeal. This would send most women into a deep depression, feeling of loss and loneliness. She isn't okay, which you showed well. They are living in unsettled conditions, unsure of what the future holds, and to top that, now Jennifer dealing with a huge loss.
To really showcase the characters, you can bring in more dialogue, show her feelings, and Johnny's reaction as her friend. I wouldn't focus on her weight or size. That can come out in a different spot. I would keep the focus on her loss. Others around how they react to the news, including the father of the baby, finding out that she was pregnant, and no longer. He's hit with the shock. How does he react to the news, how do others react?
Remember they are now living among dead bodies, possible terrorist attack and many unknowns. All would be on high alert, scared, unsettled, fearing possible starvation and loss. This would only compound the issues.
These are only suggestions and my own thoughts. By no means are they correct, but only ideas. You have a great story. I look forward to the next chapter.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 01-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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I'm hopelessly behind in answering reviews, so I'm going backwards. Please know that I am reading these with great interest and appreciation. Your input is a great help to me and often pointing out things that I haven't considered. Trying to catch up so please don't stop. You will probably notice some of your influence as the story unfolds. A million thanks, mikey
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Hi, Mikey.
My pleasure! You have a wonderful story. My suggestions are only that and please, don't change anything without comparing with others. You have a great imagination and creative style. Looking forward to reading more.
Have a great weekend.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the story. You are fleshing out the characters. Personalities are very important in a crisis situation. The pack is more important than the individual. Weakness should be known before it can harm the pack. Unknowns are important too. It sounds like the group is already working together for a level of survival. They do need to be ready for the worse. Great work.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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I love the story. You are fleshing out the characters. Personalities are very important in a crisis situation. The pack is more important than the individual. Weakness should be known before it can harm the pack. Unknowns are important too. It sounds like the group is already working together for a level of survival. They do need to be ready for the worse. Great work.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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Glad you're liking it. We are on the same page approach wise. that gives me some confidence. Thank you so much, mikey
Comment from 24chas
Again, I like the pacing of this piece, mikey. It was a shame about the baby, but it's probably for the best. Nice intro to some more people as well. Good job.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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Again, I like the pacing of this piece, mikey. It was a shame about the baby, but it's probably for the best. Nice intro to some more people as well. Good job.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2014
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trying to say hello to all the characters so I don't have to introduce them later in the middle of something. Glad you like the pacing. With these short posts I always feel like rushing. Thank you, mikey
