Away with the Fairies
The mind is a funny place for make believe.2 total reviews
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
Consider:
"The front wheel is stuck fast in a DEEP snowdrift.
"With shovel in hand I approach the miscreant and begin to dig.(reader already knows that the shovel is in the boot).
"Moments later I see car lights snaking up the hill.
"...and kisses my frozen fingers,
"It?s morning when I wake up thinking I'm alone but then I realize that around me people are shouting.
"...blood stained shovel still clutched in her dead hands.
For the most part well written and presented especially the concluding paragraphs.
Regards:
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Consider:
"The front wheel is stuck fast in a DEEP snowdrift.
"With shovel in hand I approach the miscreant and begin to dig.(reader already knows that the shovel is in the boot).
"Moments later I see car lights snaking up the hill.
"...and kisses my frozen fingers,
"It?s morning when I wake up thinking I'm alone but then I realize that around me people are shouting.
"...blood stained shovel still clutched in her dead hands.
For the most part well written and presented especially the concluding paragraphs.
Regards:
Comment Written 27-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Stephen: Thank you for your suggestions and your five stars.
The adjective is unnecessary as the wheel getting stuck implies the depth of the snowdrift.
The shovel is in the back of the car, not in the boot or trunk.
"Moments later" suggests a time lapse between cursing her mother and seeing the car lights. There was no time lapse. "Then" implies she sees the lights immediately after the cursing.
The fingers were not frozen at the time the fairy kissed them, and frozen/freezing is used a number of times elsewhere in the story.
I have used long conversational sentences at the beginning of her cyclic account (when she recalls the conversation with her mother) as this is her last recollection of reality. In contrast, the short sentences towards the end are indicative (and typical) of her being a patient in a mental hospital reliving the moment in which she lost her insanity. The next sentence suggests the only way her mind can deal with the horror is by reliving the event by repeating the story, probably in the hope of reaching a different ending.
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DearPhilip: I'm going to take a long break from reviewing prose. I should be hearing from my publisher soon. If I do, after Oct 24th, more books coming out. In the meantime I'll be editing them, reviewing poems and composing. Therefore my future on FS, expires in Feb/15. Tis been a pleasure. Good luck in all your endeavors.
Affectionately: Steve
Comment from ennahanid
Well! This held my attention from first word to last and quite a twist in the end. I'm seriously thinking your imagination was in overdrive when you wrote this and I even get the idea you probably chuckled quite a bit as you wrote it.
Of course I believe in fairies - doesn't everyone?
Thanks for holding my attention this afternoon - I think - Dinah
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
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Well! This held my attention from first word to last and quite a twist in the end. I'm seriously thinking your imagination was in overdrive when you wrote this and I even get the idea you probably chuckled quite a bit as you wrote it.
Of course I believe in fairies - doesn't everyone?
Thanks for holding my attention this afternoon - I think - Dinah
Comment Written 27-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2014
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My sincerest thanks for the great review - Actually I cringed in terror while writing this - I haven't slept for days! (Fiction - means I can tell tall stories for a living!)
