Yosemite
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Deadly Rainbows"Acts of war have plunged Earth into catastrophe.
28 total reviews
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the beginning of the story. We all marvel when the skies turn colors. But that is suppose to be a temporary situation. It will strike fear in us when the sky does not return to normal. Pregnant women do have a heightened sense to danger. They are surviving for two. You are using your own personality and life style. This makes you and your readers more comfortable. It sounds like you are really in the story. Great work.
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I love the beginning of the story. We all marvel when the skies turn colors. But that is suppose to be a temporary situation. It will strike fear in us when the sky does not return to normal. Pregnant women do have a heightened sense to danger. They are surviving for two. You are using your own personality and life style. This makes you and your readers more comfortable. It sounds like you are really in the story. Great work.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from ragamuffin
Well, I say what I consider to be the highest compliment of writing, which is, after reading this, I want more. Excellent description so the reader can see what he/she is reading. Love the humble tone of the narrator- lack of humility is likely going to be a big part of any massive destruction- and the idea that the pregnant girl took the lead to get others, including her baby, to safety offers hope I find. An excellent piece. Little unnerving topic, but there will be a last day for everyone on this planet, one way or another.
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Well, I say what I consider to be the highest compliment of writing, which is, after reading this, I want more. Excellent description so the reader can see what he/she is reading. Love the humble tone of the narrator- lack of humility is likely going to be a big part of any massive destruction- and the idea that the pregnant girl took the lead to get others, including her baby, to safety offers hope I find. An excellent piece. Little unnerving topic, but there will be a last day for everyone on this planet, one way or another.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from ravenblack
Rainbow skies- just a thought. You know that painting The Scream by Munch? The surreal sky a streaked kaleidoscope of colors? It was painted shortly after the eruption of Krakatoa, an explosion so violent that it actually caused the planet to wobble. Anyway, all the dust and volcanic ash- the sky, a rainbow sky as depicted in his painting, was accurate. Also, if nukes are involved as partial causes of destruction, emp's (electro magnetic pulses) would render all electronics, battery operated or not, useless. You need to fix a couple sentences- 1st paragraph, 5th sentence and last paragraph, 2nd sentence.
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Rainbow skies- just a thought. You know that painting The Scream by Munch? The surreal sky a streaked kaleidoscope of colors? It was painted shortly after the eruption of Krakatoa, an explosion so violent that it actually caused the planet to wobble. Anyway, all the dust and volcanic ash- the sky, a rainbow sky as depicted in his painting, was accurate. Also, if nukes are involved as partial causes of destruction, emp's (electro magnetic pulses) would render all electronics, battery operated or not, useless. You need to fix a couple sentences- 1st paragraph, 5th sentence and last paragraph, 2nd sentence.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from robina1978
Beautiful and expressive picture to complement your first chapter. I think I would leave the Anne Frank bit out. That is so special on itself. I liked that your main character is a pregnant girl that seems to sense what to do.
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Beautiful and expressive picture to complement your first chapter. I think I would leave the Anne Frank bit out. That is so special on itself. I liked that your main character is a pregnant girl that seems to sense what to do.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from Millibrad
"There is no doubt[there exists] within others in this group an ability to record these events." As written, this sentence is incomplete.
I like the way you are developing your narrator's persona.
"I put the thought[, or -] of how stupid it was[, or -] that a hole had been carved out of the center of it out of my mind."
In paragraph 4, every sentence begins with "I", giving the writing a choppy rather than smooth flow.
You should rewrite to change this.
Example:
I stood inside a redwood tree and put the thought - of how stupid it was - that a hole had been carved out of the center of it, out of my mind. I marveled at the size and age and let the majesty of its life engulf me. That carved out world I had momentarily entered provided time away from what awaited me outside.
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"There is no doubt[there exists] within others in this group an ability to record these events." As written, this sentence is incomplete.
I like the way you are developing your narrator's persona.
"I put the thought[, or -] of how stupid it was[, or -] that a hole had been carved out of the center of it out of my mind."
In paragraph 4, every sentence begins with "I", giving the writing a choppy rather than smooth flow.
You should rewrite to change this.
Example:
I stood inside a redwood tree and put the thought - of how stupid it was - that a hole had been carved out of the center of it, out of my mind. I marveled at the size and age and let the majesty of its life engulf me. That carved out world I had momentarily entered provided time away from what awaited me outside.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from Righteous Riter
This introductory stage of this piece is quite simple and clear. The author basically gives the blue print the story. The setting, how many characters and the circumstances. What gets my mind to going is that there will be a pregnant girl basically leading the pack which ups my anticipation to read this work.
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This introductory stage of this piece is quite simple and clear. The author basically gives the blue print the story. The setting, how many characters and the circumstances. What gets my mind to going is that there will be a pregnant girl basically leading the pack which ups my anticipation to read this work.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from CR Delport
You immediately raise interest and I am curious as to what happened to these 13 souls, or rather, what happened around them. I think you're off to a great start.
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You immediately raise interest and I am curious as to what happened to these 13 souls, or rather, what happened around them. I think you're off to a great start.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
Comment from GracieAnn
Mikey, this is strong start and it is laid out well, so far. One thought I have is that I was once told to assume your reading audience is at the high school level of reading. It's your baby, but you have written well above HS level. It is interesting and promises some tall tales of survival, adventure, and of course something mushy. LOL :0 GracieAnn
Good night, it's after 2:00 am here. zzzzzzzzzzzz
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Mikey, this is strong start and it is laid out well, so far. One thought I have is that I was once told to assume your reading audience is at the high school level of reading. It's your baby, but you have written well above HS level. It is interesting and promises some tall tales of survival, adventure, and of course something mushy. LOL :0 GracieAnn
Good night, it's after 2:00 am here. zzzzzzzzzzzz
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2014
