A Monumental Pain
To veterans...everywhere43 total reviews
Comment from Maria C.
This is really good! Well thought out and written. Great mechanics as always in rhyme, meter, descriptive phrasing, and poetic devices. Excellent material and information.
Storg phrases with " memorials enshrine the memories of fallen brother; mud and blood," " metal in a shrapnel-studden mind," and the entire third verse.
Well done, David. I guess you will be getting my sixes this week too.
Blessings,
Maria C.
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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This is really good! Well thought out and written. Great mechanics as always in rhyme, meter, descriptive phrasing, and poetic devices. Excellent material and information.
Storg phrases with " memorials enshrine the memories of fallen brother; mud and blood," " metal in a shrapnel-studden mind," and the entire third verse.
Well done, David. I guess you will be getting my sixes this week too.
Blessings,
Maria C.
Comment Written 18-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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Maria, thank you SO much for your sixer, and for the great thoughts. I really appreciate both! David
Comment from jluzzle
I could probably write a review all day long on this piece, but I would realy only be writing myself... if that makes since
I enjoyed reading this piece a few times. It's message is strong and perfectly pravokes many thoughts. I can't point out one line or think of any chnges to make. Thank you very much for sharing...
Very nice write...
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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I could probably write a review all day long on this piece, but I would realy only be writing myself... if that makes since
I enjoyed reading this piece a few times. It's message is strong and perfectly pravokes many thoughts. I can't point out one line or think of any chnges to make. Thank you very much for sharing...
Very nice write...
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2014
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jluzzle, I'm so appreciative of your kind words, your green +, and the great review. Much appreciated. David
Comment from pipersfancy
This piece evokes the same emotions in me I've felt as I've stood in silence before the National War Memorial in our capitol, Ottawa. My father was the youngest in his family - all his brothers went off to serve during WWII but he, being the youngest and only remaining son of a farming family, was not accepted into the military. I think he always regretted not being allowed to serve in the same manner that his older brothers did. But, I remember clearly growing up, hearing the first-hand recollections from my father, my uncles, their friends... the men (and women) who had fought on foreign ground - some had survived long years as POW's in either European or Pacific theatres. And, I was a reservist for 20 years. That was a lot of Remembrance Day Parades, and Legion events... I consider myself blessed to have heard the first hand stories... true life heroes are hard to come by these days.
Christina
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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This piece evokes the same emotions in me I've felt as I've stood in silence before the National War Memorial in our capitol, Ottawa. My father was the youngest in his family - all his brothers went off to serve during WWII but he, being the youngest and only remaining son of a farming family, was not accepted into the military. I think he always regretted not being allowed to serve in the same manner that his older brothers did. But, I remember clearly growing up, hearing the first-hand recollections from my father, my uncles, their friends... the men (and women) who had fought on foreign ground - some had survived long years as POW's in either European or Pacific theatres. And, I was a reservist for 20 years. That was a lot of Remembrance Day Parades, and Legion events... I consider myself blessed to have heard the first hand stories... true life heroes are hard to come by these days.
Christina
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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I'm so honored by your review, Christina! I'm so pleased when anyone who served or loved someone who served feels this is an appropriate salute to them. Many thanks for the sixer, and for your wonderful personal comments. I appreciate you, my friend.
David
Comment from michaelcahill
This captures all aspects I feel, some I have observed, the looks on veterans faces at various times. The looks are unmistakable as they relive memories that I cannot understand. The description of battle seems true though I have never experienced any of it. I feel like I am there when you describe it. Very vivid and fine tribute. Perfect writing is such a plus. mikey
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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This captures all aspects I feel, some I have observed, the looks on veterans faces at various times. The looks are unmistakable as they relive memories that I cannot understand. The description of battle seems true though I have never experienced any of it. I feel like I am there when you describe it. Very vivid and fine tribute. Perfect writing is such a plus. mikey
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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Many thanks, my friend, for your great thoughts, Mikey, as they mean so much to me.
Comment from paulah60
David, your touching words evoke a kind of respectful silence in honour of those who served and lost their lives, and for those whose psyches are imprinted with, and keep reliving terrible memories of what they saw, and/or had to do in the name of war ('how a kill-shot echo re-repeats'; 'The sounds and images survive the years'). It calls into question how man can be capable of any of this. When I was researching for my thesis, one of my reference books was 'A Terrible Love of War' (by the father of archetypal psychology, James Hillman). It's quite a sobering look at what many philosophers have discovered: that war is the primary human condition (we think in warlike terms: declare war on drugs, disease, poverty etc; and the sporting arena is a battlefield).
But I suspect that mixed in with the 'locked in memories' of those who did serve is a gnawing guilt (perhaps survivors guilt, or guilt over what they were forced to do), and an inability to make sense of how they were capable. But for Hillman, what this comes down to is understanding the martial state of the soul. Without wanting to oversimplify, our imaginations are inducted into the battlefield from when we're children. Put us in a war zone, and it's that aspect that kicks in and has governance.
This poem of yours is a powerful piece of writing that doesn't just convey what's been told to you by family members. I love that you really GET what you write about, and in this case, it FEELS like you have an understanding and reverence for the warring aspect of your own psyche. It's probably what keeps the rogue going (and I mean that with the utmost respect).
Cheers
Paula
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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David, your touching words evoke a kind of respectful silence in honour of those who served and lost their lives, and for those whose psyches are imprinted with, and keep reliving terrible memories of what they saw, and/or had to do in the name of war ('how a kill-shot echo re-repeats'; 'The sounds and images survive the years'). It calls into question how man can be capable of any of this. When I was researching for my thesis, one of my reference books was 'A Terrible Love of War' (by the father of archetypal psychology, James Hillman). It's quite a sobering look at what many philosophers have discovered: that war is the primary human condition (we think in warlike terms: declare war on drugs, disease, poverty etc; and the sporting arena is a battlefield).
But I suspect that mixed in with the 'locked in memories' of those who did serve is a gnawing guilt (perhaps survivors guilt, or guilt over what they were forced to do), and an inability to make sense of how they were capable. But for Hillman, what this comes down to is understanding the martial state of the soul. Without wanting to oversimplify, our imaginations are inducted into the battlefield from when we're children. Put us in a war zone, and it's that aspect that kicks in and has governance.
This poem of yours is a powerful piece of writing that doesn't just convey what's been told to you by family members. I love that you really GET what you write about, and in this case, it FEELS like you have an understanding and reverence for the warring aspect of your own psyche. It's probably what keeps the rogue going (and I mean that with the utmost respect).
Cheers
Paula
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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Paula, I'm so grateful to you for your depth of mind, of heart, and of wisdom. Your intelligence oozes through your words, and I appreciate your sixer, your comments, and your ability to absolutely know where I'm "at". Love ya!
David
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is beautiful, marillion, an excellent job capturing the thoughts found in the faces of veterans as they saw the monument of the soldiers. i enjoyed reading it and give you a virtual six for this one.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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this is beautiful, marillion, an excellent job capturing the thoughts found in the faces of veterans as they saw the monument of the soldiers. i enjoyed reading it and give you a virtual six for this one.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much, my friend. I gratefully accept! David
Comment from rama devi
Potent poem dear friend. As usual, masterfully crafted with flawless meter, great rhymes, fine phonetics in phrasing with poetic devices and good flow. The content is emotionally charged and reflective too.
each has the statued gaze that demonstrates
the truest rendering of consequence.
Fantastic phrasing there!
The next three stanzas offer great graphic detail to enhance the recollection of bloody histories.
Memorials enshrine the memories
of fallen brothers; mud and blood; the Bomb,
and trenched expressions hold the histories
of tours in France, Korea, Vietnam;
great rhyme with Bomb and Vietnam, fine alliteration on M, H, B, F and T.
of oily skies above Iraqi sands;
an Iwo Jima pillbox; Kabul streets;
the kick of M-16s in calloused hands;
and how a kill-shot echo re-repeats
re-repeats - clever word play.Fine alliteration on I, S and K-C
like metal in a shrapnel-studded mind.
Conditioned trigger-fingers curl and twitch
recalling how a Panzer tank would grind
mechanically above a fox-hole ditch.
shrapnel-studded mind - awesome phrasing. Fine alliteration on S, C, T and consonance of D, G and N
well voiced stanza:
The sounds and images survive the years
in those who were, or just beyond, their teens
when they were shipped, still wet behind the ears,
to live or die in those horrific scenes.
POIGNANT and true:
Relived in films, but rarely captured well,
those recreated versions try, but fail
to capture days, or weeks, or years in Hell
for those who trudge the endless battle trail.
One or two war movies came closer than others, but not can capture BEING THERE.
Great consonance of L in all the rhymes.
I'm not sure about using captured in line one above and capture in line three...maybe consider an alternative?
No matter where, or when, or what the war,
The continent, the climate, or terrain,
a sense of brotherhood unlocks the door
to every veteran's unspoken pain.
Your closing stanza gave me goose bumps. Very true and extremely well voiced with potent emotional overtones. Superb sonics with alliteration on W and C and consonance of T, R, C/K, V and S
Bravo!
Love, rd
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2014
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Potent poem dear friend. As usual, masterfully crafted with flawless meter, great rhymes, fine phonetics in phrasing with poetic devices and good flow. The content is emotionally charged and reflective too.
each has the statued gaze that demonstrates
the truest rendering of consequence.
Fantastic phrasing there!
The next three stanzas offer great graphic detail to enhance the recollection of bloody histories.
Memorials enshrine the memories
of fallen brothers; mud and blood; the Bomb,
and trenched expressions hold the histories
of tours in France, Korea, Vietnam;
great rhyme with Bomb and Vietnam, fine alliteration on M, H, B, F and T.
of oily skies above Iraqi sands;
an Iwo Jima pillbox; Kabul streets;
the kick of M-16s in calloused hands;
and how a kill-shot echo re-repeats
re-repeats - clever word play.Fine alliteration on I, S and K-C
like metal in a shrapnel-studded mind.
Conditioned trigger-fingers curl and twitch
recalling how a Panzer tank would grind
mechanically above a fox-hole ditch.
shrapnel-studded mind - awesome phrasing. Fine alliteration on S, C, T and consonance of D, G and N
well voiced stanza:
The sounds and images survive the years
in those who were, or just beyond, their teens
when they were shipped, still wet behind the ears,
to live or die in those horrific scenes.
POIGNANT and true:
Relived in films, but rarely captured well,
those recreated versions try, but fail
to capture days, or weeks, or years in Hell
for those who trudge the endless battle trail.
One or two war movies came closer than others, but not can capture BEING THERE.
Great consonance of L in all the rhymes.
I'm not sure about using captured in line one above and capture in line three...maybe consider an alternative?
No matter where, or when, or what the war,
The continent, the climate, or terrain,
a sense of brotherhood unlocks the door
to every veteran's unspoken pain.
Your closing stanza gave me goose bumps. Very true and extremely well voiced with potent emotional overtones. Superb sonics with alliteration on W and C and consonance of T, R, C/K, V and S
Bravo!
Love, rd
Comment Written 16-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2014
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Rama, you're so sweet, my friend, and you've gone above and beyond in this one. Thank you SO much for this incredible review, and I wish I could nominate you for ROM more than once a month.
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Thanks so much for your gracious comment(s), David... :)
Comment from adewpearl
solid use of abab rhyming - I really like the clever pairing of monuments/consequence
good internal rhyme of mud and blood
vivid descriptive detail throughout
strong cadence and good use of enjambment
You portray well the intense emotions and memories triggered by visiting memorial monuments
great alliteration in where or when or what the war, the continent or climate
my father and many of my male relatives fought in WWII and some in other wars - you portray well that brotherhood I always felt among them
Brooke
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2014
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solid use of abab rhyming - I really like the clever pairing of monuments/consequence
good internal rhyme of mud and blood
vivid descriptive detail throughout
strong cadence and good use of enjambment
You portray well the intense emotions and memories triggered by visiting memorial monuments
great alliteration in where or when or what the war, the continent or climate
my father and many of my male relatives fought in WWII and some in other wars - you portray well that brotherhood I always felt among them
Brooke
Comment Written 16-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much, Brooke. I'm from a military family, too, so I have relics and stories from all of the American wars by word of mouth, journals, poems, and heirlooms.
Comment from MM lives on :)
I have been to DC many times my friend and this was quite a poetic tribute you have crafted here, anything dealing with history and culture is a winner to me, well done lad!
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2014
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I have been to DC many times my friend and this was quite a poetic tribute you have crafted here, anything dealing with history and culture is a winner to me, well done lad!
Comment Written 16-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2014
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Thank you very much, Christopher. It's a very moving experience to go there, isn't it?
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indeed my friend, you can feel the battles and the ghosts of haunts past...nice work
Comment from vapros
Marillion, this is a master work for this genre. You have captured so many characteristics of wars, and described well the memories of old soldiers. I was impressed and entertained.
Bill
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2014
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Marillion, this is a master work for this genre. You have captured so many characteristics of wars, and described well the memories of old soldiers. I was impressed and entertained.
Bill
Comment Written 16-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2014
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Bill, I'm most appreciative for your sixer, and for the great review. Much appreciated.
