Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 54 "Onuni Moon"Murder Mystery
45 total reviews
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A good and well written story with good imagery. I enjoyed reading your story and I found no reason for changes. The story kept my interest to the end, and I look forward to more. Mary
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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A good and well written story with good imagery. I enjoyed reading your story and I found no reason for changes. The story kept my interest to the end, and I look forward to more. Mary
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Hi, Mary. Thank you for taking time to read this chapter. I really appreciate your insights and generosity. XX Bev
Comment from Showboat
True story, Bev, every time I see a pm from you I get all giddy. I just love Rick and Jana, and hope one day they can get together. The way you wove this tale together, so very realistic, it's educational AND exciting. Excellent chapter.
Question. We live among several tribes - Cahuilla and Mission Indians dominate, and they refer to themselves as Indians, not Native Americans. I've always wondered about that. Your writing is so alive, I figure either you are an Indian or you've done a ton of research on them.
Gotta give you a sixer, m'dear. Excellent!
Hugs,
Gayle
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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True story, Bev, every time I see a pm from you I get all giddy. I just love Rick and Jana, and hope one day they can get together. The way you wove this tale together, so very realistic, it's educational AND exciting. Excellent chapter.
Question. We live among several tribes - Cahuilla and Mission Indians dominate, and they refer to themselves as Indians, not Native Americans. I've always wondered about that. Your writing is so alive, I figure either you are an Indian or you've done a ton of research on them.
Gotta give you a sixer, m'dear. Excellent!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Hi, Gayle. Thank you so very, very much for this generous review and your shared insights. I am part NA, but you may be right about the authenticity of using Indian rather than NA. It's sort of like how the African Americans call themselves people of color. Good thought and I'll do some research.
A six from you is always humbling because I admire your skill with the craft!
Hugs, Bev
Comment from lindalcreel
So if they couldn't find a way for anyone to escape who was the other shadow belonging to? Maybe it was her dead uncle, and he was trying to send them a message from beyond the grave. I've got tons of questions, but like everyone else, I'll have to wait for those answers. Intense chapter with some clues leaving us waiting for the next post. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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So if they couldn't find a way for anyone to escape who was the other shadow belonging to? Maybe it was her dead uncle, and he was trying to send them a message from beyond the grave. I've got tons of questions, but like everyone else, I'll have to wait for those answers. Intense chapter with some clues leaving us waiting for the next post. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Hi, Lindal. Yes, you're on to something. I've backed off the supernatural element a bit with the last few chapters, but next two will have more than ever.
Thanks so much for the simply super review!!
Bev
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Looking forward to what comes next, Bev. I'm sure it will be just as exciting!
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How gracious! Thanks, L.
Comment from Watermark1974
You write like a professional. I felt like I was reading a published work.
Early on you expressed so clearly her feelings for her partner, and his feelings for her being stronger added layers.
I'd turn this into inner dialogue:
"Where'd that get me? Months with a shrink, and persistent relationship phobia," she chided herself. "Maybe a guy that's safe... hell, someone who'd put you on a pedestal... is the key. A man who makes his life fit yours and not the other way around."
You don't often see the above in published works. Using italics might not be necessary either, because the sentiment behind her thoughts is very clear.
Where'd that get me? Months with a shrink, and persistent relationship phobia, she chided herself. Maybe a guy that's safe... hell, someone who'd put you on a pedestal... is the key. A man who makes his life fit yours and not the other way around.
See what I mean?
The doctor having an 'I don't give a shit smile' might be good writing, but do you want to draw so much attention to him? Does it matter how he physically responds? The tension you built between her and her partner is slightly diminished by this. Also, would a doctor really have any reason to act that way? Always be careful what you draw your reader's attention to, because readers are going to draw their own conclusions. Direct their attention where you want it, where you think it will have the most effect.
Gertrude Pearce's her name. Try, Gertrude Pearce is the vic's name. Or The victim is a Gertrude Pearce. Or back to the original, Gertrude Pearce is her hame. The 'is' should be separate, some contractions just don't read right.
I could continue, but I don't want to go overboard. I think you've crafted a great set of characters and it's clear you're an exceptionally skilled author. Good luck, and I apologize if I gave too much feedback.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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You write like a professional. I felt like I was reading a published work.
Early on you expressed so clearly her feelings for her partner, and his feelings for her being stronger added layers.
I'd turn this into inner dialogue:
"Where'd that get me? Months with a shrink, and persistent relationship phobia," she chided herself. "Maybe a guy that's safe... hell, someone who'd put you on a pedestal... is the key. A man who makes his life fit yours and not the other way around."
You don't often see the above in published works. Using italics might not be necessary either, because the sentiment behind her thoughts is very clear.
Where'd that get me? Months with a shrink, and persistent relationship phobia, she chided herself. Maybe a guy that's safe... hell, someone who'd put you on a pedestal... is the key. A man who makes his life fit yours and not the other way around.
See what I mean?
The doctor having an 'I don't give a shit smile' might be good writing, but do you want to draw so much attention to him? Does it matter how he physically responds? The tension you built between her and her partner is slightly diminished by this. Also, would a doctor really have any reason to act that way? Always be careful what you draw your reader's attention to, because readers are going to draw their own conclusions. Direct their attention where you want it, where you think it will have the most effect.
Gertrude Pearce's her name. Try, Gertrude Pearce is the vic's name. Or The victim is a Gertrude Pearce. Or back to the original, Gertrude Pearce is her hame. The 'is' should be separate, some contractions just don't read right.
I could continue, but I don't want to go overboard. I think you've crafted a great set of characters and it's clear you're an exceptionally skilled author. Good luck, and I apologize if I gave too much feedback.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Hi, Watermark. Thank you for this super review. Your technical suggestions are very good, and I have already made some changes. Reviews like yours get me pumped up to do even better the next time. Much appreciated... Bev
Comment from Righteous Riter
Good introduction that reveals the setting. Good transition of events. Good character balance. Smooth dialogue between the characters. Nice and steady pace leading to an intense conclusion.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Good introduction that reveals the setting. Good transition of events. Good character balance. Smooth dialogue between the characters. Nice and steady pace leading to an intense conclusion.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Thank you so very much for your support and generosity, RR. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from judiverse
Excellent, six-star work. Jana has her hands full in this, what with her grandmother being hospitalized and seeming to have complications. I thought the doctor's response to Jana's requests for information were so typical. When the eye specialist did my eye surgery, I got my information about what would happen during the procedure from the anesthesiologist, not the doctor. You do an excellent job of showing Jana's mixed emotions about Rick Morales. Then there's a call to go to the scene where a body has been discovered. Looks like they're getting the goods on Edward Pearce--if they can catch him. Details relating to the police work seem quite believable. Lots of tension, especially with the revelation that there are photos of Jana's uncle Tony that would provide an additional link in the case. judi
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Excellent, six-star work. Jana has her hands full in this, what with her grandmother being hospitalized and seeming to have complications. I thought the doctor's response to Jana's requests for information were so typical. When the eye specialist did my eye surgery, I got my information about what would happen during the procedure from the anesthesiologist, not the doctor. You do an excellent job of showing Jana's mixed emotions about Rick Morales. Then there's a call to go to the scene where a body has been discovered. Looks like they're getting the goods on Edward Pearce--if they can catch him. Details relating to the police work seem quite believable. Lots of tension, especially with the revelation that there are photos of Jana's uncle Tony that would provide an additional link in the case. judi
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Thanks so much for confirming my own experience with physicians. It's getting worse all the time! Now they have P.A.'s doing the post-op.
I so appreciate your generosity and support, Judi. Thank you for hanging in there with me.
:0) Bev
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You're so welcome. Great story. I had a physician's assistant for on one of my visits. Liked him better than my usual physician! judi
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I had the same experience with my former gynecologist. Her P.A. had a better grasp of my situation and was tons more empathetic. But, they have only a Bachelor's degree from what I understand. And I think they're being given duties outside their scope just because the patients don't demand anything better. I think if a guy/gal can cut into you, they can darned sure be there for you when you're recuperating. Well, I've had my rant for today LOL!!! :0) Bev
Comment from buzclick
nice work,
the story flows well and there were no obvious gaps.
The setting was interesting enough I will look you up for another taste.
I like the suspense although I do find a little over the top with explanations of her feelings.
I think I might like reading the rest of the story.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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nice work,
the story flows well and there were no obvious gaps.
The setting was interesting enough I will look you up for another taste.
I like the suspense although I do find a little over the top with explanations of her feelings.
I think I might like reading the rest of the story.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Thanks so much, buzclick. It's quite a dance to keep the story balanced between showing and telling. I'll take your insight into consideration with the next chapter. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Darkhorse555
really very beautifully written this drew quite a graphic picture in the mind then came the smell -- a mixture of freezer burn and corrupted flesh excellent read very enjoyable
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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really very beautifully written this drew quite a graphic picture in the mind then came the smell -- a mixture of freezer burn and corrupted flesh excellent read very enjoyable
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Thank you so very much, Darkhorse. I wasn't sure if that line would make sense to anyone else but me LOL. Thanks for the confirmation. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Selina Stambi
Master storyteller .. Bev!
I salute you, my friend. AWESOME.
What plot twists you've engineered .. I'm in awe!
XXXXXX (6). A virtual six with a rain check for when I have one handy.
So very well done!!
Hugs and lots of love (as aways!)
xxx
Sonali
for news of (the outcome of) her grandmother's surgery
anyone leaving the premise(s)
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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Master storyteller .. Bev!
I salute you, my friend. AWESOME.
What plot twists you've engineered .. I'm in awe!
XXXXXX (6). A virtual six with a rain check for when I have one handy.
So very well done!!
Hugs and lots of love (as aways!)
xxx
Sonali
for news of (the outcome of) her grandmother's surgery
anyone leaving the premise(s)
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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You're words are all the glam I need, Sonali LOL. Thanks for the great review and the spaggie check. Love ya, buddy. XXX Bev
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This is a really good novel, Bev. There's a lot of indifferent stuff floating around this site (!!!! :) :)) - this one stands out. Proud to be your fan. xxx
p.s. I got a nice PM for our mutual friend. All's well ...
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Thanks for that, Sonali. XXX
Comment from boxergirl
You did a good job with the continuation of your story line. The details and dialogues were realistic and kept me engaged. I could certainly connect with her hospital experience. I have been in her shoes, dealing with doctors. 8-)
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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You did a good job with the continuation of your story line. The details and dialogues were realistic and kept me engaged. I could certainly connect with her hospital experience. I have been in her shoes, dealing with doctors. 8-)
Comment Written 11-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2014
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I worked for a surgeon, so that part I've seen up close and personal. Thanks so much, BG. I appreciate the support very much. Bev
