To a son of God
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Me"Metre ... Freeverse & Quatrain
31 total reviews
Comment from allborn66
This is an interesting piece. You communicate your theme clearly. The form enhances the piece. I'm not fond of the misspellings and dialect in writing - it slows the reader down and makes them focus on the author's craft instead of the piece. I feel it should only be used on a rare occasion to bring in a color effect, and done is such a way that it does not distract the reader.
Barbara
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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This is an interesting piece. You communicate your theme clearly. The form enhances the piece. I'm not fond of the misspellings and dialect in writing - it slows the reader down and makes them focus on the author's craft instead of the piece. I feel it should only be used on a rare occasion to bring in a color effect, and done is such a way that it does not distract the reader.
Barbara
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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many thanks
Comment from catch22
Hi, please don't be upset with my rating. I think this free verse has some clever use of stream of consciousness writing to get inside the mind of someone plagued by doubt. However, I think there's more to poetry than how a poem sounds (rhyme, meter or alliteration). The best poetry (especially free verse) paints a picture with words and shows the reader what the writer is thinking through metaphor and concrete images. In your poem, I get an overwhelming sense of the narrator telling me he has doubt. I think you can do more with this poem. Like I said, I really like the stream of consciousness flow of thoughts, and don't even mind the intentional grammar and punctuation errors, but what's the point of reading a poem if I can't get a concrete image of the topic to connect to? Just my thoughts. If you do decide to go back and edit this piece, I would gladly reread and rerate. Take care.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Hi, please don't be upset with my rating. I think this free verse has some clever use of stream of consciousness writing to get inside the mind of someone plagued by doubt. However, I think there's more to poetry than how a poem sounds (rhyme, meter or alliteration). The best poetry (especially free verse) paints a picture with words and shows the reader what the writer is thinking through metaphor and concrete images. In your poem, I get an overwhelming sense of the narrator telling me he has doubt. I think you can do more with this poem. Like I said, I really like the stream of consciousness flow of thoughts, and don't even mind the intentional grammar and punctuation errors, but what's the point of reading a poem if I can't get a concrete image of the topic to connect to? Just my thoughts. If you do decide to go back and edit this piece, I would gladly reread and rerate. Take care.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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many thanks
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Very welcome. Please do let me know if you decide to edit.
Comment from Lulube
I like this one of a kind style and presentation of it. It's a simpleton imagery with the almighty questions when in doubt.
spelling - a place "of" no tears instead of "off"
I like the way you used "dowt and worry" at the beginning and at the end of the poem.
Multiple rhymes in a line are great.
good job
lulube
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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I like this one of a kind style and presentation of it. It's a simpleton imagery with the almighty questions when in doubt.
spelling - a place "of" no tears instead of "off"
I like the way you used "dowt and worry" at the beginning and at the end of the poem.
Multiple rhymes in a line are great.
good job
lulube
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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many thanks
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welcome\
lulube
Comment from Gungalo
I seek him, I seek him; but does my dowt and worry
Keep me from meeting him.
Or have I already, and ive just been about and in a hurry; with my dowt and worry.
"He has the keys, but am I on my knees?"
Don't know why you have gone to such extreme Bic but whatever, it works. I like the presentation for artistic review.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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I seek him, I seek him; but does my dowt and worry
Keep me from meeting him.
Or have I already, and ive just been about and in a hurry; with my dowt and worry.
"He has the keys, but am I on my knees?"
Don't know why you have gone to such extreme Bic but whatever, it works. I like the presentation for artistic review.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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many thanks
Comment from Kipper Heyring
I like the picture which fits well with the confusion expressed by ideas in the poem. The rhythms are well maintained, the thoughts seriously proposed and carried through.
I personally don't care much for the spelling but I can understand the impact that this has.
It is a poem that makes one think.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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I like the picture which fits well with the confusion expressed by ideas in the poem. The rhythms are well maintained, the thoughts seriously proposed and carried through.
I personally don't care much for the spelling but I can understand the impact that this has.
It is a poem that makes one think.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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many thanks
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I've reconsidered. Walking is good for thinking! Your weird spelling does add to the impression of the poet's confusion.
K H
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Excellent ... many thanks !
Comment from jadapenn
Oh the dowt and worry. You wear yourself out - ye of little faith and plenty fear. Dowt and worry spell nothing but fear. I loved the poem in messaging text. What's wrong with good old English, Bicpen. :) They work just as well. This RED well. lol. Well penned. luv jada
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Oh the dowt and worry. You wear yourself out - ye of little faith and plenty fear. Dowt and worry spell nothing but fear. I loved the poem in messaging text. What's wrong with good old English, Bicpen. :) They work just as well. This RED well. lol. Well penned. luv jada
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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many thanks
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I read this through three times trying to decide if you wanted the speaker in the poem to sound uneducated or else young, or both. It seems I have heard that simple religion appeals to the less educated, and yet this poem makes some deeper points. I especially like the last line, perhaps because I come from a Mormon background, and we believe strongly in keys of the priesthood of Jesus Christ. I also like the assonance of 'faith' and 'safe'.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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I read this through three times trying to decide if you wanted the speaker in the poem to sound uneducated or else young, or both. It seems I have heard that simple religion appeals to the less educated, and yet this poem makes some deeper points. I especially like the last line, perhaps because I come from a Mormon background, and we believe strongly in keys of the priesthood of Jesus Christ. I also like the assonance of 'faith' and 'safe'.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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many thanks
Comment from barleygirl
This is a well-conceived poem, written with sincerity & clarity, so it definitely deserves five stars. I know your strange spelling is intentional, but it just doesn't work for me. It feels like pantyhose with sneakers. The loftiness & the ordinariness do not mesh well, nor do they combine to make your message more meaningful or artistic. I find that such ploys really "WORK" only in very rare cases. But I do appreciate your efforts, your intentions, & your message resonates with my own feelings & beliefs. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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This is a well-conceived poem, written with sincerity & clarity, so it definitely deserves five stars. I know your strange spelling is intentional, but it just doesn't work for me. It feels like pantyhose with sneakers. The loftiness & the ordinariness do not mesh well, nor do they combine to make your message more meaningful or artistic. I find that such ploys really "WORK" only in very rare cases. But I do appreciate your efforts, your intentions, & your message resonates with my own feelings & beliefs. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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many thanks
Comment from JB Lynn
Good point you bring up about doubt not giving you time to doubt the very doubt, itself.
I also like the question your narrator asks about meeting Jesus and worrying that fateful meeting might have already happened, but been missed due to the hustle & bustle of daily, mundane life.
While I think you've woven a lot of statements and ideas together that would work well, your grammar, spelling, and punctuation "choices" as you claim, still leave me confused and distracted. Since you've made a point of stating this is all intentional in your Author Notes, I'll rate you simply based on the ideas. However, I do not think I'm alone in my struggle to understand WHY you think it's necessary to misspell "doubt" or "your" and avoid punctuation in some places but use it in others. Perhaps you might consider explaining that a bit further in future Author Notes if you stick with this format. There are plenty of free verse poems that still employ proper spelling and grammar.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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Good point you bring up about doubt not giving you time to doubt the very doubt, itself.
I also like the question your narrator asks about meeting Jesus and worrying that fateful meeting might have already happened, but been missed due to the hustle & bustle of daily, mundane life.
While I think you've woven a lot of statements and ideas together that would work well, your grammar, spelling, and punctuation "choices" as you claim, still leave me confused and distracted. Since you've made a point of stating this is all intentional in your Author Notes, I'll rate you simply based on the ideas. However, I do not think I'm alone in my struggle to understand WHY you think it's necessary to misspell "doubt" or "your" and avoid punctuation in some places but use it in others. Perhaps you might consider explaining that a bit further in future Author Notes if you stick with this format. There are plenty of free verse poems that still employ proper spelling and grammar.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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JUST FOR YOU:
FREEVERSE, does not essentially adhere to the strict following of convention nor is it meant too. The disjunction from convention in freeverse makes the appeal to a greater liberty to come away from the intended structure and linguistic tools to elaborate the mentality of liberation.
There are no rules about punctuation other than they should be used in the right place ... you could have a comma here a comma there and maybe a full stop if you like.
The idea is for the reader to interpret it the way the author intends it to be written the line break the structure of the line the emphasis by punctuation is intrinsically there but without physical apperance ... in short freeverse in its design and concept is to make the reader think ... not to allow a proportionate standard of intelligence to conventional thinking.
FREEVERSE: is a thought outside the BOX rather than the controlled essence of whats inside the box.
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I appreciate you sharing your perspective with me.
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ANYTIME ... !
Comment from CR Delport
I am sure you got a lot of interesting feedback on your grammar and spelling :) This is different and makes for an interesting read.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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I am sure you got a lot of interesting feedback on your grammar and spelling :) This is different and makes for an interesting read.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2014
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many thanks
