The Project ( Pt 2)
a poem..it doesn't rhymerisate... projection..13 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
This is very expressive and reflective at the same time. potent free verse voicing. The cadences work well--a combination of smooth and choppy--this pacing suits the tone and tenor of the theme well. This style of a long sentence followed by two short ones makes the two short ones sound like (parenthetical comments)--brilliant! Creative imagery, deftly woven into a fine crescendo toward the concluding coda of "you you you and even I am you". Well done. I thought this a clever line:
I cut my feet
on eggshells.
Poignant:
You questioned if I loved you.
One of the few things
I had left.
Two minor (optional) suggestions:
*
I felt so empty
and helpless.
the word SO is weak here. suggest trimming it or replacing it with a more potent or descriptive word.
*
But I finally saw a pattern.(:)
Y(y)ou, you, you and
you.
With above:
But I finally saw a pattern:
you, you, you and
you.
*In this case, the period seems to abrupt, IMHO. Suggest replacing it with a dash:
You questioned if I loved you.(--)
O(o)ne of the few things
I had left.
You questioned if I loved you--
one of the few things
I had left.
Glad this situation is past tense. Something good came out of it, though--it did spark a creative, emotionally potent poem!
Bravo
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
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This is very expressive and reflective at the same time. potent free verse voicing. The cadences work well--a combination of smooth and choppy--this pacing suits the tone and tenor of the theme well. This style of a long sentence followed by two short ones makes the two short ones sound like (parenthetical comments)--brilliant! Creative imagery, deftly woven into a fine crescendo toward the concluding coda of "you you you and even I am you". Well done. I thought this a clever line:
I cut my feet
on eggshells.
Poignant:
You questioned if I loved you.
One of the few things
I had left.
Two minor (optional) suggestions:
*
I felt so empty
and helpless.
the word SO is weak here. suggest trimming it or replacing it with a more potent or descriptive word.
*
But I finally saw a pattern.(:)
Y(y)ou, you, you and
you.
With above:
But I finally saw a pattern:
you, you, you and
you.
*In this case, the period seems to abrupt, IMHO. Suggest replacing it with a dash:
You questioned if I loved you.(--)
O(o)ne of the few things
I had left.
You questioned if I loved you--
one of the few things
I had left.
Glad this situation is past tense. Something good came out of it, though--it did spark a creative, emotionally potent poem!
Bravo
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 25-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2014
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Hi there rama,
thank you for a well thought out and constructive review. I am happy that you got so much out of it!
cheers
Grant
Comment from Righteous Riter
Good alliteration with by/being...sing/song...sorry/scared...made/me/my...stole/sense. This piece contains a thought provoking message that holds my attention from start to finish.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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Good alliteration with by/being...sing/song...sorry/scared...made/me/my...stole/sense. This piece contains a thought provoking message that holds my attention from start to finish.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2014
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thanks for the thoughts, I appreciate
Comment from livelylinda
mrgrunty: again, you use a few words indicating some emotional pain, anger, confusion, but as a reader, I don't feel it at all. It is as cold as ice; probably how she left you. livelylinda
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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mrgrunty: again, you use a few words indicating some emotional pain, anger, confusion, but as a reader, I don't feel it at all. It is as cold as ice; probably how she left you. livelylinda
Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Hi again,
I'm sorry that it didn't work for you. Thank you for reading and commenting. :)
cheers
grant
Comment from allborn66
This is a very powerful piece. Society tends to forget that bad relationships happen on both sides of the fence. You told your side very well.
Barbara
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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This is a very powerful piece. Society tends to forget that bad relationships happen on both sides of the fence. You told your side very well.
Barbara
Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Hi Barbara,
thanks for dropping in and leaving your comments. :)
cheers
grant
Comment from Dawn of Tomorrow
This one seems a little choppy for you. Not got that smooth Grant flow that I'm so use to but the wording is fantabulous. I love this
You made me doubt my honour.
I cut my feet
on eggshells
What a grand visual you paint here. Wish I'd have come up with that.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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This one seems a little choppy for you. Not got that smooth Grant flow that I'm so use to but the wording is fantabulous. I love this
You made me doubt my honour.
I cut my feet
on eggshells
What a grand visual you paint here. Wish I'd have come up with that.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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thank you my good friend,
it's done kinda like a shopping list of pained/bitter memories.
It's great to see you and thank you for your honesty hon!
xx
g
Comment from jadapenn
Oh you poor, sweet dear. Did this person get to you. Do like I do and become a hitchhiker. haha. I liked your lament. This is something that recurs amongst couples if the one allows it. Bite back. :) Hope I'm on the right track. lol. luv jada
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Oh you poor, sweet dear. Did this person get to you. Do like I do and become a hitchhiker. haha. I liked your lament. This is something that recurs amongst couples if the one allows it. Bite back. :) Hope I'm on the right track. lol. luv jada
Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Hey jada, yes you are in the Ballpark! Lol it's been finished for quite a while now.. Where we hitching to? Cheers Grant ð???
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We're hitching away to happyland.:) That's a certain.
Comment from buzclick
You told me I was sorry.
I was scared
to ask you why.
It turned out in the end
that even I, was
really you.
Bean thar' Doon that! Welcome to the real world!
I was in a relationship that I paid for everything, rent, phone, cable and power. When the relationship ended she tried to sue me for the price of cigarettes she had bought me.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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You told me I was sorry.
I was scared
to ask you why.
It turned out in the end
that even I, was
really you.
Bean thar' Doon that! Welcome to the real world!
I was in a relationship that I paid for everything, rent, phone, cable and power. When the relationship ended she tried to sue me for the price of cigarettes she had bought me.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Sweet jeebus man! That's rough! Thanks for the cool review. Cheers Grant
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:O True. YW
Comment from rjuselius
fine piece of literary art! you should try to make p1 in front of p2 and tie it like a book. i was looking forward for reading the rest, but alas no part 1 anywhere.
anyhoo thank you for sharing!
rebekka x
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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fine piece of literary art! you should try to make p1 in front of p2 and tie it like a book. i was looking forward for reading the rest, but alas no part 1 anywhere.
anyhoo thank you for sharing!
rebekka x
Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Hi there, yes I only realised after I posted both that they ended up in the wrong order... Oops! Thanks for stopping by and leaving your thoughts. I appreciate it. Cheers Grant
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Just as well the way things turned out. Any man who loves enough to risk walking on eggshells for the sake of love and gets no positive response is better off without her. I would not have said that had you not already said you were over her. I would have sympathised profusely but I needn't now. A good poem, nice humour in the face of adversity - Regards Dorothy
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Just as well the way things turned out. Any man who loves enough to risk walking on eggshells for the sake of love and gets no positive response is better off without her. I would not have said that had you not already said you were over her. I would have sympathised profusely but I needn't now. A good poem, nice humour in the face of adversity - Regards Dorothy
Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Hi there again Dorothy!
Nice to see you read the two pieces in order! lol
Thank you for your astute summary and naturally I agree with you! hehe
cheers
grant
Comment from Woman~Loved
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reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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Comment Written 23-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2014
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oops..sorry for the slap! lol... I've been wondering just how I'll go about doing a response or instruction
The first part is just below this one too btw. lol
cheers
g
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well that's strange ! lol
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Sorry, my ex made me change all my reviews. I shouldn't have listened to him.
