To Cherish Thorns
Viewing comments for Chapter 36 "Alone Smiles A Fool"Free Verse Poetry
26 total reviews
Comment from GracieAnn
Mikey, LOL but also aughhhh. You have some great alliteration going on with the ever present humor, even when there's sadness afoot. Rejection is a devastating thing. (I couldn't help but think of a Shar pei dog with its folds that make us smile, too. ;0 The Afgan model type ignores them! Creative and clever, my friend. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Mikey, LOL but also aughhhh. You have some great alliteration going on with the ever present humor, even when there's sadness afoot. Rejection is a devastating thing. (I couldn't help but think of a Shar pei dog with its folds that make us smile, too. ;0 The Afgan model type ignores them! Creative and clever, my friend. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 01-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Yeah. Those Afgans think they are so special, eating their fancy dog food and all. "Bargain Hound Kibble" for me! It was good enough for pops! I do tell the Shar Peis though, "Put a coat on! Do you have to parade around like that?" Ha! I don't even go on tangents, I start on them. mikey
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It's easy to go right with the flow of the tangents! Yes, the Shar Peis look "undressed"! LOL :0 GracieAnn
Comment from l.raven
HI Michael, just got back after three weeks...so glad to see you...missed ya!!! just want to say thank you for all your wonderful reviews this year and for the wonderful writes you wrote...and for a great friendship... I love your poem...It really is a bit sad...so very well expressed... Luff Ya Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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HI Michael, just got back after three weeks...so glad to see you...missed ya!!! just want to say thank you for all your wonderful reviews this year and for the wonderful writes you wrote...and for a great friendship... I love your poem...It really is a bit sad...so very well expressed... Luff Ya Linda xxoo
Comment Written 01-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Hi stranger!! What are you doing, having a real life? I have missed you too and I am so happy to have met you this year. I have new wrinkle lines from you making me smile!! The poem is sad, but I'm not. Should be a great year! Luff Ya back, mikey
Comment from sher-vawn robinson
Mickey I have got to give it to you. Your poem is amazing it left me lost for words. But it was great. I had to laugh when you were talking about the other reviewers it funny because you were saying don't be discourage and I had shared my sister love poem with somebody and they were clueless like they did not understand but to me I thought my sister love was straight to the point. Then I said what the hell if they did not understand it I can't be discourage because they did not understand I write what comes from the heart. Anyway HAVE A GREAT NEW YEARS.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Mickey I have got to give it to you. Your poem is amazing it left me lost for words. But it was great. I had to laugh when you were talking about the other reviewers it funny because you were saying don't be discourage and I had shared my sister love poem with somebody and they were clueless like they did not understand but to me I thought my sister love was straight to the point. Then I said what the hell if they did not understand it I can't be discourage because they did not understand I write what comes from the heart. Anyway HAVE A GREAT NEW YEARS.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Thank you my friend, you are too kind. I am pleased you enjoyed it. You have a great new years as well!! Take care and keep writing, mikey
Comment from Carole Rosa
Michael, Sad Sad Sad! I feel as sorry for you as you do for yourself. Your portfolio tells a different story. You appear to be pretty successful on FanStory. Nice job. Carole
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Michael, Sad Sad Sad! I feel as sorry for you as you do for yourself. Your portfolio tells a different story. You appear to be pretty successful on FanStory. Nice job. Carole
Comment Written 31-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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I'm happy!! Just writing. hahaha. Can't write all cheerful things. Just thinking of times when people feel foolish. Like when we wave at a stranger that we think we know and they look at us like we are crazy. You are so sweet to be concerned though. Thank you so very much. mikey
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I get the feeling that the writer is struggling desperately to convince himself that he is okay. He thinks everyone is laughing at him and he cares very much what people think as he tries desperately to overcome embarrassment. You will have hit the nail on the head for many people, Mikey. Giddy
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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I get the feeling that the writer is struggling desperately to convince himself that he is okay. He thinks everyone is laughing at him and he cares very much what people think as he tries desperately to overcome embarrassment. You will have hit the nail on the head for many people, Mikey. Giddy
Comment Written 31-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Yes. You have it there. I forgot one of my favorites. Waving enthusiastically at someone you think you know and having it be a total stranger. Ha! That is a lovely feeling! Well, at least we all know that we are all wonderful here!! mikey
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Great--much improved. On third read, I also felt to mention some in-line commas (minimal) might be good. Like here, for example:
Dancing dervish(,) you are not
Though it is optional, of course.
First review (FOUR stars)
Superb! I enjoyed the (unsubtle) self-deprecating humor in this. It's pure wisdom (of the fool--the best kind) to laugh at oneself and one's expectations. I enjoyed the conversational tone and free verse style of this post too. Thought provoking content mixed in with a comedic-ally tragic scene, well portrayed.
This sounds like it should be a famous quote:
Fortune smiles for the sake of irony whether
it stops for a visit or not
The next line seems to me like a new sentence, so I recommend using a cap (on all new sentences) because not using end-line punctuation OR caps makes the reader have to think about where lines start and end, and it would be optimal if they rather focus attention on the superb content of your piece without being distracted by form.
***Thus I recommend caps for new sentences (noted in parenthesis) throughout:
p(P)erhaps it is a sense of humor that causes it
h(H)ow silly you feel when you wave your hand
a(A)re they mocking you as though you are chubby?
w(W)inks for the crowd making faces behind you
d(D)ancing dervish you are not
t(T)he polka won't be in style forever more
y(Y)ou dive off a cliff
y(Y)our vertigo wouldn't even allow
y(Y)ou are just afraid
w(W)hy are you smiling?
Great alliteration here:
smiles for the many miles of maybes
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but you are not the pie(-)eating champion this year
Fine alliteration here:
doltish dullard
dancing dervish you are not
This is quite an entertaining and insightful read. Much enjoyed. Happy to revisit if you improve the flow using caps or opt for end line punctuation.
I had to read twice to get the way sentences worked in this. When you write it yourself, this aspect seems more obvious--but for new readers...it isn't.
Bestest Wishes and Smiles,
rd
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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Second review
Great--much improved. On third read, I also felt to mention some in-line commas (minimal) might be good. Like here, for example:
Dancing dervish(,) you are not
Though it is optional, of course.
First review (FOUR stars)
Superb! I enjoyed the (unsubtle) self-deprecating humor in this. It's pure wisdom (of the fool--the best kind) to laugh at oneself and one's expectations. I enjoyed the conversational tone and free verse style of this post too. Thought provoking content mixed in with a comedic-ally tragic scene, well portrayed.
This sounds like it should be a famous quote:
Fortune smiles for the sake of irony whether
it stops for a visit or not
The next line seems to me like a new sentence, so I recommend using a cap (on all new sentences) because not using end-line punctuation OR caps makes the reader have to think about where lines start and end, and it would be optimal if they rather focus attention on the superb content of your piece without being distracted by form.
***Thus I recommend caps for new sentences (noted in parenthesis) throughout:
p(P)erhaps it is a sense of humor that causes it
h(H)ow silly you feel when you wave your hand
a(A)re they mocking you as though you are chubby?
w(W)inks for the crowd making faces behind you
d(D)ancing dervish you are not
t(T)he polka won't be in style forever more
y(Y)ou dive off a cliff
y(Y)our vertigo wouldn't even allow
y(Y)ou are just afraid
w(W)hy are you smiling?
Great alliteration here:
smiles for the many miles of maybes
*
but you are not the pie(-)eating champion this year
Fine alliteration here:
doltish dullard
dancing dervish you are not
This is quite an entertaining and insightful read. Much enjoyed. Happy to revisit if you improve the flow using caps or opt for end line punctuation.
I had to read twice to get the way sentences worked in this. When you write it yourself, this aspect seems more obvious--but for new readers...it isn't.
Bestest Wishes and Smiles,
rd
Comment Written 30-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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So wonderfully helpful. Yes, I have already fixed as you suggested. It does read so much easier and even looks better as well. I do have a fear of punctuation and just run away from it rather than use it at all!! But, I am learning. This helps a lot and is a good guideline for me to remember. I honestly notice what you are saying if I haven't read a piece for some time. I have to figure out where the breaks are as well, and I wrote it! Ha. So, a point well made. So pleased you enjoyed this and for your always most helpful advice, mikey
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Happy to help, dear Michael, and thanks for your gracious response. Some poems do not require punctuation or caps...others do. Sometimes line breaks are enough to show pauses. I find that when a poem has a lot of enjambement, either punctuation or caps help a lot. Warm smiles, rd
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I shall do that. Too bad I can't just let you go in and fix it!! HA! I would have no problem with that at all. :))
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:-))
Comment from Spitfire
A great opening line: unique and insightful. I can just picture the boy waving his hand, then scratching his head --ha,ha. I've done similar things when I waved to something I thought I knew and then he/she turned out to be a stranger. Talk about feeling like a fool! Clever way you slipped in a picture of the lad--chubby, slow, awkward.
Great poem, Mikey.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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A great opening line: unique and insightful. I can just picture the boy waving his hand, then scratching his head --ha,ha. I've done similar things when I waved to something I thought I knew and then he/she turned out to be a stranger. Talk about feeling like a fool! Clever way you slipped in a picture of the lad--chubby, slow, awkward.
Great poem, Mikey.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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Oh yes. I have done that. Always with more enthusiasm then it was worth to begin with too. Then there is no response and for some reason everyone has stopped to watch you do it. Cute kid huh? Glad you liked it. Thank you, mikey
Comment from ravenblack
To hell with the belly flop, go for the cannonball! You definitely capture the fear that curls the lips of the insecure smile. So many situations when we pretend to walk boldly on terra firma when it really is just a thin crust. And that wave...I can remember many a time, a girl waving at...me? And your heart skips, your hand timidly rising to wave and quickly scratch your head when you realize her attentions were for someone else. Not a dandy feeling at all. Especially if you feel like a doltish dullard.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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To hell with the belly flop, go for the cannonball! You definitely capture the fear that curls the lips of the insecure smile. So many situations when we pretend to walk boldly on terra firma when it really is just a thin crust. And that wave...I can remember many a time, a girl waving at...me? And your heart skips, your hand timidly rising to wave and quickly scratch your head when you realize her attentions were for someone else. Not a dandy feeling at all. Especially if you feel like a doltish dullard.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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My favorite is the great comeback line that comes out all wrong. The silence is deafening. Waving happily at a total stranger is good times too! mikey
Comment from Joan E.
Hi, neighbor--I live in Malibu. I hope Santa has released you and you enjoy ringing in the new year.
I admired your evocative free verse--it is intensified by your use of alliteration. If the poem is biographical, I hope the "glitter girl" reciprocates! Best wishes- Joan
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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Hi, neighbor--I live in Malibu. I hope Santa has released you and you enjoy ringing in the new year.
I admired your evocative free verse--it is intensified by your use of alliteration. If the poem is biographical, I hope the "glitter girl" reciprocates! Best wishes- Joan
Comment Written 30-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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I used my secret weapon, a poem! Ha! Yes, he let me go and said I wasn't very handy but I could address cards next year. Glad you liked this. I understand that there is some water to go with your sand out there. Sounds like an improvement. Happy New Year, mikey
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Addressing cards--I think you need to lobby for a more creative job, like writing the jingles! You're right about the water--that's why we moved from inland fifteen years ago. Keep creating and sharing- Joan
Comment from vapros
This may be a first for me here - a derisive poem in free verse! After a variety of caustic jibes, you have dismissed your victim with a final insult. However, I had a good time reading it. It was a neat thing to do. Good work.
v
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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This may be a first for me here - a derisive poem in free verse! After a variety of caustic jibes, you have dismissed your victim with a final insult. However, I had a good time reading it. It was a neat thing to do. Good work.
v
Comment Written 30-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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Glad you liked it. Something different. Also something most people experience to one degree or another. mikey