Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 51 "Pemni Moon"Murder Mystery
41 total reviews
Comment from Adri7enne
"when she saw the tail-lights of a car in reverse." Quick easy way of saying it. I might have struggled with the car backing out, etc. I admire an easy phrase.
"Damn, it feels like the inside of a meat locker in here." That's a switch of POV, Bev. We're being told the story from Father Brian's viewpoint, but with this phrase, you've jumped into Skeets' head. Just let him say the line about the penance. That's all you need to show the reader he's aware of the cold spot.
"When will this nightmare end?" he thought. Thoughts shouldn't go inside quotation marks. And this one is unnecessary.
I get the feeling you're getting close to the climax. I understand you don't want to reveal too much too soon, but I might pick up the pace a little, Bev. Did you stop to consider how many words your novel now has? A first novel shouldn't aim for much more than 300 pages. Just a suggestion, if you don't want to have a lot of cutting to do
Well done on getting nominated for Book of the Month. On to the next one
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2014
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"when she saw the tail-lights of a car in reverse." Quick easy way of saying it. I might have struggled with the car backing out, etc. I admire an easy phrase.
"Damn, it feels like the inside of a meat locker in here." That's a switch of POV, Bev. We're being told the story from Father Brian's viewpoint, but with this phrase, you've jumped into Skeets' head. Just let him say the line about the penance. That's all you need to show the reader he's aware of the cold spot.
"When will this nightmare end?" he thought. Thoughts shouldn't go inside quotation marks. And this one is unnecessary.
I get the feeling you're getting close to the climax. I understand you don't want to reveal too much too soon, but I might pick up the pace a little, Bev. Did you stop to consider how many words your novel now has? A first novel shouldn't aim for much more than 300 pages. Just a suggestion, if you don't want to have a lot of cutting to do
Well done on getting nominated for Book of the Month. On to the next one
Comment Written 16-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2014
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Thanks for your opinions, Adrienne. I appreciate you taking the time to review. :0) Bev
Comment from mumsyone
Hi Bev,
A good chapter, with good description and dialogue. Good luck in the contest!
A small dog appeared from the shadows,(no comma) and jumped up alongside the priest.
He turned on the desk lamp,(no comma) and scrutinized the drawing.
New paragraph:
With surprising speed for a man of his size, Skeets quickly reached the front door. He paused with his hand on the doorknob and said, "I'll keep you posted - with some luck, you'll be seeing news of an arrest on the eleven o'clock news."
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Hi Bev,
A good chapter, with good description and dialogue. Good luck in the contest!
A small dog appeared from the shadows,(no comma) and jumped up alongside the priest.
He turned on the desk lamp,(no comma) and scrutinized the drawing.
New paragraph:
With surprising speed for a man of his size, Skeets quickly reached the front door. He paused with his hand on the doorknob and said, "I'll keep you posted - with some luck, you'll be seeing news of an arrest on the eleven o'clock news."
Comment Written 12-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much, Lois. I appreciate your generous, and helpful, review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from mountainwriter49
Good Morning, Bev,
I continue to be impressed with your prose writing. This chapter continues to develop the story-line in a progressive, effective manner. I like how you've blended growing suspense. This drives me crazy wondering what will happen next (a good thing).
Good luck to you in the contest.
-Ray
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2014
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Good Morning, Bev,
I continue to be impressed with your prose writing. This chapter continues to develop the story-line in a progressive, effective manner. I like how you've blended growing suspense. This drives me crazy wondering what will happen next (a good thing).
Good luck to you in the contest.
-Ray
Comment Written 10-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much, Ray. I appreciate you taking time to read this chapter. Your words of encouragement and support mean a lot to me. And thanks for the good luck wishes. Some totaly AWESOME
writers in this month's competition. Makes me proud just to be on the list. :0) Bev
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You're very welcome!
R
Comment from jadapenn
Nice juicy chapter, Bev. I like the intrigue surrounding Jana's grandmother and now you've got me on edge with this Satanist freak who lives near the church. I see a big cauldron of ungodliness in this case. Well written. luv jada
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Nice juicy chapter, Bev. I like the intrigue surrounding Jana's grandmother and now you've got me on edge with this Satanist freak who lives near the church. I see a big cauldron of ungodliness in this case. Well written. luv jada
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Jada, thanks so much for this wonderfully encouraging and generous review. I LOVE your comment: 'a big cauldron of ungodliness in this case.' Wow, wish I'd come up with that! Hey, when are you posting again? I need my Jada fix LOL.
Hugs, Bev
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lol, posted a small chapter of the travelogue. Bet you've read it already. Will do the final later today. :) luv jada
Comment from Selina Stambi
An awareness released itself from the grave of Brian's subconscious ... a fab. line, Bev!
Hello, dear lady,
Happy New Year! It's been ages - I've had a busy four weeks of festivity and have missed FS so much. What a lovely start to the year, being able to review another fabulous, nail-biting chapter of your intriguing whodunit!
Well done, my dear Bev. Can't wait for more.
Hugs,
Sonali xxx :)
She recognized a car near the Emergency Department's entrance ... suggest: ..... near the entrance of the Emergency Department
....Jana was dismayed to find over-sized, comfortable chairs, a colorful rug and potted plants (were now ... suggest removing) at the center of the atrium. .. or...
...Jana was dismayed to find (that) over-sized, comfortable chairs, a colorful rug and potted plants were now at the center of the atrium.
feeling distant guilt (she didn't hold the door for them) ... for not having held the door for them
through the rectory door's peephole.... the peephole of the rectory door (sounds a wee bit better - just my opinion, of course :))
one of (the) boys involved in the scandal
He flopped (i/o)nto his desk chair and closed his eyes
His mother(,) Gertrude(,) is a parishioner
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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An awareness released itself from the grave of Brian's subconscious ... a fab. line, Bev!
Hello, dear lady,
Happy New Year! It's been ages - I've had a busy four weeks of festivity and have missed FS so much. What a lovely start to the year, being able to review another fabulous, nail-biting chapter of your intriguing whodunit!
Well done, my dear Bev. Can't wait for more.
Hugs,
Sonali xxx :)
She recognized a car near the Emergency Department's entrance ... suggest: ..... near the entrance of the Emergency Department
....Jana was dismayed to find over-sized, comfortable chairs, a colorful rug and potted plants (were now ... suggest removing) at the center of the atrium. .. or...
...Jana was dismayed to find (that) over-sized, comfortable chairs, a colorful rug and potted plants were now at the center of the atrium.
feeling distant guilt (she didn't hold the door for them) ... for not having held the door for them
through the rectory door's peephole.... the peephole of the rectory door (sounds a wee bit better - just my opinion, of course :))
one of (the) boys involved in the scandal
He flopped (i/o)nto his desk chair and closed his eyes
His mother(,) Gertrude(,) is a parishioner
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Hello, lovely lady. As always, you've offered me some excellent editorial suggestions. Thank you so much for that! I hope you had a fabulous holiday season and wish you the very best in 2014. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Erik McGinley
Draco is Latin for dragon I don't get this reference but assume its from something in a previous chapter.
Very well written with good hooks to draw the reader forward to whatever is coming next.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Draco is Latin for dragon I don't get this reference but assume its from something in a previous chapter.
Very well written with good hooks to draw the reader forward to whatever is coming next.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Hi, Erick. Thanks for this generous review. The dragon reference relates back to earlier information in the case. I appreciate your fair and helpful comments. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Paddywack
Hi! I really enjoyed your storyline so far. It flows well and the dialogue is realistic. You write very professionally. I only have a few constructive comments for you:
When she's looking for a park, she would be worried at the wasted time - better emotion than aware.
Patience ebbed is also a bit passive. Alternative would be Jana's patience evaporated with every passing second.
'Ah, here she is.' The nurse beamed...
Jana saw a possible delay is a little clunky. Alternative: 'saw two attendants wearing caps and gowns pushing a hospital bed towards the elevators. She dodged past and hurried though the open doors, then thumbed the button for the 24th floor. She felt a little guilty as the doors closed on the two with the bed, but decided her need was the greater.
Walking slowly in search of her grandmother's room. More likely 'searching frantically'
In part 2 you start off with the priest's POV, then move to the detective and then back to the priest. Best to stick with one.
Hope you find some of this helpful. Thank you for sharing your writing.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Hi! I really enjoyed your storyline so far. It flows well and the dialogue is realistic. You write very professionally. I only have a few constructive comments for you:
When she's looking for a park, she would be worried at the wasted time - better emotion than aware.
Patience ebbed is also a bit passive. Alternative would be Jana's patience evaporated with every passing second.
'Ah, here she is.' The nurse beamed...
Jana saw a possible delay is a little clunky. Alternative: 'saw two attendants wearing caps and gowns pushing a hospital bed towards the elevators. She dodged past and hurried though the open doors, then thumbed the button for the 24th floor. She felt a little guilty as the doors closed on the two with the bed, but decided her need was the greater.
Walking slowly in search of her grandmother's room. More likely 'searching frantically'
In part 2 you start off with the priest's POV, then move to the detective and then back to the priest. Best to stick with one.
Hope you find some of this helpful. Thank you for sharing your writing.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Hi, Paddywack. Thank you for this excellent critique. I plan to take a look based on your suggestions. But I am trying to avoid -ly words wherever possible. And I take the more 'edgy' verb wherever possible.
The second half was a bit of a bugger, and I was alert to the problem of switching POV. Perhaps I missed something.
I much appreciate your encouragement and generosity.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bev. Where ya been? LOL...Happy New Year, my friend. I liked this chapter very much. Lines like this were special:
" A pool of moonlight spilled through a solar panel overhead. What the heck... trying to make the place feel like home?!"
And: "Jana's feet were planted wide on the floor, and her eyes were bright. She needed to chew somebody's ass, but recognized that Ty wasn't the real target. Retrieving a recorder from her bag, she set it on the arm of the chair. "Start with how you found her, Ty.""
And: "Brian's brows puckered as he studied the picture. "I need to get my reading glasses," he said. Crossing to his desk, he searched the drawers until he located a pair. He turned on the desk lamp, and scrutinized the drawing."
I see no big deal changes either. Bravo! (alas...no sixes left) Bob
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2014
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Hi, Bev. Where ya been? LOL...Happy New Year, my friend. I liked this chapter very much. Lines like this were special:
" A pool of moonlight spilled through a solar panel overhead. What the heck... trying to make the place feel like home?!"
And: "Jana's feet were planted wide on the floor, and her eyes were bright. She needed to chew somebody's ass, but recognized that Ty wasn't the real target. Retrieving a recorder from her bag, she set it on the arm of the chair. "Start with how you found her, Ty.""
And: "Brian's brows puckered as he studied the picture. "I need to get my reading glasses," he said. Crossing to his desk, he searched the drawers until he located a pair. He turned on the desk lamp, and scrutinized the drawing."
I see no big deal changes either. Bravo! (alas...no sixes left) Bob
Comment Written 01-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2014
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Hi, Bob. Thanks so much for this awesome review. I appreciate your highlighted areas and comments. Always good to hear from you. I'm looking forward to getting more reviewing done now that the holiday is out of the way. Happy New Year! Bev
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Thanks, Bev. I was wondering about where you went. LOl...I fell behind myself, but don't miss out, my story is starting to wind down...only about three more chapters left. Happy New Year, Bev. bob :)
Comment from B. Diehl
This post did not bore me for a second. I absolutely love it. And your author notes, being as descriptive and clear as they are, just made the whole thing better.
-B<3
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2014
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This post did not bore me for a second. I absolutely love it. And your author notes, being as descriptive and clear as they are, just made the whole thing better.
-B<3
Comment Written 01-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2014
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Hi, B. Thank you for this awesome review. I appreciate your taking time during this busy season to read and review so generously. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Bev,
It must be more than two years since I read the first draft of this story. But the writing is so good it stuck in my mind.
It's an absolute pleasure to be reading the latest version - hence the six stars.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2014
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Hi Bev,
It must be more than two years since I read the first draft of this story. But the writing is so good it stuck in my mind.
It's an absolute pleasure to be reading the latest version - hence the six stars.
Ron xox
Comment Written 01-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2014
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Thank you so much, Ron. I'm in the home stretch now. I haven't posted as often this year. It's hard work keeping a story going this long LOL. I appreciate the encouragement of the six stars. You've always been a very gracious reviewer.
XX Bev
