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Viewing comments for Chapter 36 "*****Bleeding Red!!!!*****"My Self Biograpy
7 total reviews
Comment from Eigle Rull
I'm going to list a few things for you - mistakes, as I see them. I'ill bring them to your attention so you can fix them - if they are mistakes.
"Nostredomus, Bela Lugosi {Count Dracula}, characters like
Vampirrela, and other created creatures are both capturing ( would captivating be better - or not)? in beauty and interesting even though more then a pint will
cause your to erupt violently {I understand from a movie}."
In New Haven hey (they) are working (feverishly) on the cure in 2016 or 2017 on (for) M.S."
{People with MS. (one sentence - small l on lose) Lose muscular structure.}"
in New Haven the deal was a (an) injection of creatine to be sugar-induced in order to map my muscular structure in the next X amount of weeks with 13 check ups and return visits
"As a Human Guinea pig it is beneficial to e (for me) in a small and elect, "Healthy Club" whom have to be in a form of pristine existence as when in the form of "nee" {birth!}"
Tossed away like some fuc**** piece of wilted and jilted leaf-lettuce." (My compliments on this very real and powerful statement. Excellent!)
"And after eight months, my wife Carolyn could no longer stand it either and took her life be (by) refusing her blood pressure medicine from September to November 23rd, 2003 {Happy Thanksgiving
Satan!!!"
{The bleeding seized (ceased) because I have great clotting factors or I would have passed out."
Jason sounds cool.
(consider this revision) - ("So my heart, already fractured from the pain of past events, was now bleeding profusely from a (an) artery), and my neck was too!
"So please do not (ever do this), this ever for even though I have very,( no comma) little,(no comma) visible scaring from 150 metal stitches, because my level of pain
induction is tremendous, and your level of pain would probably have caused you a HEART ATTAVCK!!"
Don't be upset by the mistakes I found - if they are mistakes. I rate as I feel, and imagine when I read a piece. This one was very well written, except for the mistakes we all have made, and like me, still do make. I could feel the action and the emotion in the voice as I read it. I understood, because of the picture your words painted in a very distinct way in my mind. This was a powerful piece of work. I really enjoyed reading it, my friend. Good job.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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I'm going to list a few things for you - mistakes, as I see them. I'ill bring them to your attention so you can fix them - if they are mistakes.
"Nostredomus, Bela Lugosi {Count Dracula}, characters like
Vampirrela, and other created creatures are both capturing ( would captivating be better - or not)? in beauty and interesting even though more then a pint will
cause your to erupt violently {I understand from a movie}."
In New Haven hey (they) are working (feverishly) on the cure in 2016 or 2017 on (for) M.S."
{People with MS. (one sentence - small l on lose) Lose muscular structure.}"
in New Haven the deal was a (an) injection of creatine to be sugar-induced in order to map my muscular structure in the next X amount of weeks with 13 check ups and return visits
"As a Human Guinea pig it is beneficial to e (for me) in a small and elect, "Healthy Club" whom have to be in a form of pristine existence as when in the form of "nee" {birth!}"
Tossed away like some fuc**** piece of wilted and jilted leaf-lettuce." (My compliments on this very real and powerful statement. Excellent!)
"And after eight months, my wife Carolyn could no longer stand it either and took her life be (by) refusing her blood pressure medicine from September to November 23rd, 2003 {Happy Thanksgiving
Satan!!!"
{The bleeding seized (ceased) because I have great clotting factors or I would have passed out."
Jason sounds cool.
(consider this revision) - ("So my heart, already fractured from the pain of past events, was now bleeding profusely from a (an) artery), and my neck was too!
"So please do not (ever do this), this ever for even though I have very,( no comma) little,(no comma) visible scaring from 150 metal stitches, because my level of pain
induction is tremendous, and your level of pain would probably have caused you a HEART ATTAVCK!!"
Don't be upset by the mistakes I found - if they are mistakes. I rate as I feel, and imagine when I read a piece. This one was very well written, except for the mistakes we all have made, and like me, still do make. I could feel the action and the emotion in the voice as I read it. I understood, because of the picture your words painted in a very distinct way in my mind. This was a powerful piece of work. I really enjoyed reading it, my friend. Good job.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 29-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Thanks for all of you wonderful tips.
{I hate typing!!!}
24.
Comment from leather
I'm not sure this was completed in the sense that it is reader ready.
A note was made to let the reader know this was done in 30 some minutes, but I think that same amount of time might be spent on spiffing up the English grammar, spelling, and syntax. Certainly you are trying to communicate to the reader, but I think that much of your message is lost with half-brackets that don't enclose anything, words that aren't in the dictionary, and sentence structure that leaves a reader somewhat mystified. Example: fevierviciusly.
The subject matter and vile descriptions may be offsetting or disturbing to some readers. In fact, some readers may not even want to read to the end of this piece. It is really important to keep your reader engaged, but this is not exactly an easy read--quickly done, yes, but not easily read.
I hope you continue to write because you have a need to communicate. And you did, after all, put in over 30 minutes in producing this. But I also hope that you spend a little more time on reviewing your writing. I did like they way that you kept most of your stanza rather short.
I apologize for giving you two stars for this piece, but I honestly think it needs lots of work.
Best wishes as you move forward.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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I'm not sure this was completed in the sense that it is reader ready.
A note was made to let the reader know this was done in 30 some minutes, but I think that same amount of time might be spent on spiffing up the English grammar, spelling, and syntax. Certainly you are trying to communicate to the reader, but I think that much of your message is lost with half-brackets that don't enclose anything, words that aren't in the dictionary, and sentence structure that leaves a reader somewhat mystified. Example: fevierviciusly.
The subject matter and vile descriptions may be offsetting or disturbing to some readers. In fact, some readers may not even want to read to the end of this piece. It is really important to keep your reader engaged, but this is not exactly an easy read--quickly done, yes, but not easily read.
I hope you continue to write because you have a need to communicate. And you did, after all, put in over 30 minutes in producing this. But I also hope that you spend a little more time on reviewing your writing. I did like they way that you kept most of your stanza rather short.
I apologize for giving you two stars for this piece, but I honestly think it needs lots of work.
Best wishes as you move forward.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Sorry if you didn't enjoy it but
it was meant to be toxic!!!
24.
Comment from B. Diehl
This piece was a breath of fresh air for me. I admire your originality. Great poem, choice of artwork, and author notes.
-B<3<3<3<3
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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This piece was a breath of fresh air for me. I admire your originality. Great poem, choice of artwork, and author notes.
-B<3<3<3<3
Comment Written 28-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Thanks my other reviewer
{leather}gave it a 2 because
it was too toxic!!!
Cool!
Thanks!
24
Comment from tbacha58
"I stabbings cuttings, and pills..
Hey Jay I'm on my way!!
My heart is next to you. My thoughts about the poem are very sad,
keep his memory in the open, Love..bro.......xoxoxo(M)
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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"I stabbings cuttings, and pills..
Hey Jay I'm on my way!!
My heart is next to you. My thoughts about the poem are very sad,
keep his memory in the open, Love..bro.......xoxoxo(M)
Comment Written 28-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Thanks baby!
It was meant to be shocking
and another reviewer hoped that it
was not true!!
Ha,, {we know!!!}
Cause all would at least contiplate it.
24
Comment from Witwoo
Oh boy. Where do I begin?
I want you to bite down on a piece of leather.
While this piece was very entertaining- and it really was- it was entertaining in a 'parachute isn't opening fast enough, Bob' sort of way. Out of control! But the reader will survive the read. And go 'whew'. Then they'll read it again.
Sometimes an author will forego basic spelling, grammar, and punctuation to add a note of rebelliousness to a work. I don't think that's what happened here. You wrote it fast. You threw in loads of commas, quotation marks, and whatever else. And the curly brackets...
"Heart Attack" doesn't have a "V" in in.
Having said all that, I'll gladly read more of your works. Cut off the split ends, install a roll cage, and your flaming vehicle will be an awesome sight to behold.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Oh boy. Where do I begin?
I want you to bite down on a piece of leather.
While this piece was very entertaining- and it really was- it was entertaining in a 'parachute isn't opening fast enough, Bob' sort of way. Out of control! But the reader will survive the read. And go 'whew'. Then they'll read it again.
Sometimes an author will forego basic spelling, grammar, and punctuation to add a note of rebelliousness to a work. I don't think that's what happened here. You wrote it fast. You threw in loads of commas, quotation marks, and whatever else. And the curly brackets...
"Heart Attack" doesn't have a "V" in in.
Having said all that, I'll gladly read more of your works. Cut off the split ends, install a roll cage, and your flaming vehicle will be an awesome sight to behold.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Thanks for the coolness, it deserves it.
I'm gonna try riding a tri-cycle on the rail-
road tracks for a full hour!
Wish me luck Witwoo!
24.
Comment from dancerwriter
This entire poem if one can call it that, was so filed with a hatred of and horrible sentences about blood letting; also phrases containing some ridiculous suggestions which I hope are not true or with the intention of being carried out; so I was not impressed with the wording or the pictures it presented. I hope I am a normal person with normal feelings but my reactions to this scribe of horror and references to Satan, and abnormal needs was not pleasant.By the way was the last word--ATTAVCH' supposed to be heart attack. sorry---Lesley.J.Mooney.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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This entire poem if one can call it that, was so filed with a hatred of and horrible sentences about blood letting; also phrases containing some ridiculous suggestions which I hope are not true or with the intention of being carried out; so I was not impressed with the wording or the pictures it presented. I hope I am a normal person with normal feelings but my reactions to this scribe of horror and references to Satan, and abnormal needs was not pleasant.By the way was the last word--ATTAVCH' supposed to be heart attack. sorry---Lesley.J.Mooney.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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This was a non-fictional piece of true circumstances
in 12-01-2006.
{See my portfolio "Triple Suicide Dance" and realize
my courage, my plight, and all of the 'potential suicide victims}
I have personally saved here and in Toms River, NJ.
Thanks!
24.
Comment from dipanjanm
The twist in the tell "So I called 9-11" onwards, just awesome.The part between are scary which I believe was intended. Altogether good and scary.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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The twist in the tell "So I called 9-11" onwards, just awesome.The part between are scary which I believe was intended. Altogether good and scary.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Great scary as shit
and f-ing TRUE!!
Thanks,
24.
