Senryu (Bob's wagon derailed)
Show and Tell40 total reviews
Comment from sunnilicious
That sounds like a double ouchie alright. Creative with good visual imagery. The irony is apparently. Also, you met the syllable requirements. Excellent work. Good luck in the contest.
Happy Holidays
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2013
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That sounds like a double ouchie alright. Creative with good visual imagery. The irony is apparently. Also, you met the syllable requirements. Excellent work. Good luck in the contest.
Happy Holidays
Comment Written 08-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2013
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Thank you for reading my work and for the best wishes. Happy Holidays to you.
Comment from c_lucas
There are several ways to define this short poem, I am choosing the poetic romance.
*******
Bob's prize and joy collapsed
Angie's lust disappointed
Left warming up
Where is the Viagra?
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2013
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There are several ways to define this short poem, I am choosing the poetic romance.
*******
Bob's prize and joy collapsed
Angie's lust disappointed
Left warming up
Where is the Viagra?
Comment Written 08-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2013
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Ha, ha! You naughty boy. Happy you enjoyed the ride.
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You're welcome, Amada. Charlie
Comment from Cedar
This is a very interesting entry for this contest. After reading it, I had several thoughts about how you meant for the reader to interpret your words. Good luck. Bill
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2013
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This is a very interesting entry for this contest. After reading it, I had several thoughts about how you meant for the reader to interpret your words. Good luck. Bill
Comment Written 08-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2013
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Thank you Bill, that was my idea, to leave it all to the mind of the reader!
Comment from JM daSilva
I have some interesting images in my mind when I read this poem. Thanks for making me laugh. Thanks for sharing this poem, my friend.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2013
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I have some interesting images in my mind when I read this poem. Thanks for making me laugh. Thanks for sharing this poem, my friend.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2013
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Thank you for laughing!
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Welcome. lol
Comment from elchupakabra
I thought that the constraints of this writing prompt were rather difficult to satisfy creatively but you've really done a perfect job here. You've captured the human element from a satirical standpoint using great wordplay without being crude. Fantastic. Good luck in the contest, thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2013
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I thought that the constraints of this writing prompt were rather difficult to satisfy creatively but you've really done a perfect job here. You've captured the human element from a satirical standpoint using great wordplay without being crude. Fantastic. Good luck in the contest, thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2013
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Thank you for the awesome comments, very encouraging. No, I didn't win the contest but I got three votes! Meaningful to no votes at all. :-)
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Nancy
This is as subtle as a sledge-hammer! LOL Just kidding. It was so subtle it took me a while to work it out. Hahah!. Now I'm ROFL.
Clever wit great satiric rhetoric .... great selection of image. I enjoyed your alliteration in "cruise control".. Certainly covering one of humankind's most human of foibles. :))
Great to have your entry in the contest. Well conceived and well executed. My best wishes in the contest. Warmest wishes - Lovi xoxoxoxo
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Hi Nancy
This is as subtle as a sledge-hammer! LOL Just kidding. It was so subtle it took me a while to work it out. Hahah!. Now I'm ROFL.
Clever wit great satiric rhetoric .... great selection of image. I enjoyed your alliteration in "cruise control".. Certainly covering one of humankind's most human of foibles. :))
Great to have your entry in the contest. Well conceived and well executed. My best wishes in the contest. Warmest wishes - Lovi xoxoxoxo
Comment Written 07-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Lovi, so great to have my senryu reviewed by you. Loved that you liked it. THW, congratulations in your winning entry!
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Hi Nancy
I'm pleased I got to review everyone, though I have a feeling I may have missed one. Such a surprise and of course always exciting to win. Some stiff competition ... it was a pleasure to read so many excellent entries. I had a chuckle over yours and Jeanie's. One never knows what to expect, sometimes almost everyone writes with humour and others go for the social commentary or more poignant.... then the voters sometimes go for the commentary or for the laugh ...
Thank you and a pleasure to enjoy your work. Huge Hugs - Lovi xoxoxo
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Hi Nancy
I'm pleased I got to review everyone, though I have a feeling I may have missed one. Such a surprise and of course always exciting to win. Some stiff competition ... it was a pleasure to read so many excellent entries. I had a chuckle over yours and Jeanie's. One never knows what to expect, sometimes almost everyone writes with humour and others go for the social commentary or more poignant.... then the voters sometimes go for the commentary or for the laugh ...
Thank you and a pleasure to enjoy your work. Huge Hugs - Lovi xoxoxo
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Lovi, such a lovely note; thank you for chuckling at Bob's wagon! This means a lot to me.
Comment from mountainwriter49
Good Afternoon, Amanda
I have to hand it to you, you've nailed this senyru perfectly! In true Japanese form, you've made the reader think and look beyond the top layer. It took me a few minutes to figure it out. The satori on the first line helps make the senyru work particularly well.
good luck to you in the contest!
Ray
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Good Afternoon, Amanda
I have to hand it to you, you've nailed this senyru perfectly! In true Japanese form, you've made the reader think and look beyond the top layer. It took me a few minutes to figure it out. The satori on the first line helps make the senyru work particularly well.
good luck to you in the contest!
Ray
Comment Written 07-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Thank you Ray, yes, it took me many trials...
Comment from Glasstruth
Awesome metaphor for hips as being a wagon derailed. That's what makes a short poem like this special. Superb! Good luck with the contest. Les
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Awesome metaphor for hips as being a wagon derailed. That's what makes a short poem like this special. Superb! Good luck with the contest. Les
Comment Written 07-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Thank you Les for the awesome comments. I didn't win but I got 3 votes, better than none! :-)
Comment from rama devi
Clever double-meaning in this finely penned senryu, dear Nancy. Unique and imaginative. Superb word economy and true to form as far as I can tell. Good presentation too.
Hope you do well.
Lots of Love, rd
PS Just so you know, my premier membership expires today and I will continue only as a standard member. So kindly consider allowing 'non-writer' reviews, so I can continue to review your work on-site on occasion.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Clever double-meaning in this finely penned senryu, dear Nancy. Unique and imaginative. Superb word economy and true to form as far as I can tell. Good presentation too.
Hope you do well.
Lots of Love, rd
PS Just so you know, my premier membership expires today and I will continue only as a standard member. So kindly consider allowing 'non-writer' reviews, so I can continue to review your work on-site on occasion.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Rama, dear friend. This is a shocker! Wow, I feel so sad...
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Dear friend--I thought you knew. I decided this months ago and today is the last day before it ends. I will still be reviewing here...just not posting me own work... And we're in touch, anyway! Love, rd
Comment from Jose Saic
This is a short poem that puts the readers mind in a game of thoughts: Angies hips belongs to a beatiful woman, and Bob falled in love with her beautiful body? So, he is crazy about her?
So maybe she is undoubtly responsible of that wagon (brain?)derailed.
Congratulations to the author.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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This is a short poem that puts the readers mind in a game of thoughts: Angies hips belongs to a beatiful woman, and Bob falled in love with her beautiful body? So, he is crazy about her?
So maybe she is undoubtly responsible of that wagon (brain?)derailed.
Congratulations to the author.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Exactly dear Jose, a beautiful woman can derail a man's best intentions! :-)
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Yes, I agree. Thans for your answer, I liked very much this short poem. Congratularions again
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Yes, I agree. Thans for your answer, I liked very much this short poem. Congratularions again
