From out of the Grayness
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Star Chasing by: His Grayness"Reaching from the gray areas to understand life
14 total reviews
Comment from Glasstruth
A beautiful, heartfelt letter. Wish others would see more than the stars attached to a review. Love how you rhymed nose with 'clear as the end of our nose.' You have much more than a 'poor star chasers attitude,' but a superb one, indeed! Les
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2013
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A beautiful, heartfelt letter. Wish others would see more than the stars attached to a review. Love how you rhymed nose with 'clear as the end of our nose.' You have much more than a 'poor star chasers attitude,' but a superb one, indeed! Les
Comment Written 02-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2013
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Les: I consider you a true "MASTER" OF THE CRAFT OF POETRY AND OVERALL WRITTEN COMMUNICATIONS. Your words are taken as true inspiration and genuinely appreciated. I know that STARS create joy and joy approaches GRATITUDE which is my simple mission: the emotions we share are genuine for their intentions are pure and I believe they endorse the lessons that GOD wants us to understand in loving and caring for each other...and THEREIN recognizing the joy and GRATITUDE we experience as we follow HIS guidance! It is all about the honest GRATITUDE AT HAND AT THIS MOMENT! Making it permanent it the REAL challenge and only exchanging love and appreciation at all times can keep it alive. Blessings to you and all your works: Vance
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Will surely try to keep it alive. Once I quit writing. Wasn't planned, but didn't write a word for seven years until one day I was so inspired I began again. Your response is what makes writing a pleasure. :)
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
Well written sir, it is wonderful to get great reviews and the stars are a bonus. However, if someone gets even a little joy, or inspiration from something contributed then, that is what makes it a worthwhile project in writing. Good job, Carolyn
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2013
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Well written sir, it is wonderful to get great reviews and the stars are a bonus. However, if someone gets even a little joy, or inspiration from something contributed then, that is what makes it a worthwhile project in writing. Good job, Carolyn
Comment Written 02-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2013
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So very many thanks to you Carolyn...your thoughts and good wishes are very encouraging and greatly appreciated. All the best to you and so glad to know there are others out there sharing the same goodwill. Blessings to you! Vance
Comment from rama devi
What a lovely poetry letter to Gert, with the right attitude about receiving reviews, I think! Well voiced, but it does have room for improvement, speaking of critique!
In general, the flow is good and also the rhyming, but some lines also sound forced on both counts. I noticed many spag suggestions to convey as well.
NOTES:
*
Thou it may (be) quite as clear as the end of our nose.
*
Like the food we select and it'(s) future digestion.
*This line is a bit long and the rhythm slightly forced:
We're dazzled by skilled writers who can add perfect photos,
Nice alliteration here--and great creative rhyming:
And music so painful or perfect concertos.
*
But alas(,) should we question the motive(s) of writers
*love the concept here but the phrasing sounds choppy and awkward...not sure what to suggest to remedy it but perhaps play around with this phrasing:
To be simply star chasers or gifted mind exciters.
*
Like you, I'm not here for a simple joy ride.(, instead of.)
But to hope my insights will bring some minds alive.
*
So it's painful seeing sport in this honored space.
Awkwardly phrased an the rhythm is forced, too. Small suggestion:
It's painful to see sport in this honored space.(Also, the next line continues the sentence, so this needs to be a comma not a period)
(consider adding in a word for the sake of rhythm too..)
It's painful to see sport in this kind honored space,
VERY WELL PHRASED:
Where some trade their souls to win stars as a race.
Love this:
Yet some come for love and discovery of wisdom.
To lay our their hearts and to capture a vision.
I'm here out of love and to give what I may.
To improve someone' life for forever or a day.
*
Like you(,) it's the passion of spilling our heart(s).(,)
In hopes that our friendships shall not drift apart.
*
If only one single star or even a tiny few,
the flow of this line is forced and choppy. Consider rephrasing for more fluid flow. This one too, actually:
Comes graciously in from a reader as a meaningful review
Good conclusion (note one spag):
It should be taken to your heart in gratitude
Not in the sadness of a poor star chaser(')s attitude
This is very sweet and conveys a great message, clearly. The main issues are technical and I will be happy to upgrade the rating when spag is fixed.
The other issue of pacing and flow is more complex, and if you want more suggestions or more clarity in delivery of the above suggestions (i.e.--examples rather than notations)--I'll be happy to take time to do that.
I think Gert will LOVE this. I find he to be always gracious and grateful about constructive reviews.
Best wishes,
rd
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reply by the author on 03-Dec-2013
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What a lovely poetry letter to Gert, with the right attitude about receiving reviews, I think! Well voiced, but it does have room for improvement, speaking of critique!
In general, the flow is good and also the rhyming, but some lines also sound forced on both counts. I noticed many spag suggestions to convey as well.
NOTES:
*
Thou it may (be) quite as clear as the end of our nose.
*
Like the food we select and it'(s) future digestion.
*This line is a bit long and the rhythm slightly forced:
We're dazzled by skilled writers who can add perfect photos,
Nice alliteration here--and great creative rhyming:
And music so painful or perfect concertos.
*
But alas(,) should we question the motive(s) of writers
*love the concept here but the phrasing sounds choppy and awkward...not sure what to suggest to remedy it but perhaps play around with this phrasing:
To be simply star chasers or gifted mind exciters.
*
Like you, I'm not here for a simple joy ride.(, instead of.)
But to hope my insights will bring some minds alive.
*
So it's painful seeing sport in this honored space.
Awkwardly phrased an the rhythm is forced, too. Small suggestion:
It's painful to see sport in this honored space.(Also, the next line continues the sentence, so this needs to be a comma not a period)
(consider adding in a word for the sake of rhythm too..)
It's painful to see sport in this kind honored space,
VERY WELL PHRASED:
Where some trade their souls to win stars as a race.
Love this:
Yet some come for love and discovery of wisdom.
To lay our their hearts and to capture a vision.
I'm here out of love and to give what I may.
To improve someone' life for forever or a day.
*
Like you(,) it's the passion of spilling our heart(s).(,)
In hopes that our friendships shall not drift apart.
*
If only one single star or even a tiny few,
the flow of this line is forced and choppy. Consider rephrasing for more fluid flow. This one too, actually:
Comes graciously in from a reader as a meaningful review
Good conclusion (note one spag):
It should be taken to your heart in gratitude
Not in the sadness of a poor star chaser(')s attitude
This is very sweet and conveys a great message, clearly. The main issues are technical and I will be happy to upgrade the rating when spag is fixed.
The other issue of pacing and flow is more complex, and if you want more suggestions or more clarity in delivery of the above suggestions (i.e.--examples rather than notations)--I'll be happy to take time to do that.
I think Gert will LOVE this. I find he to be always gracious and grateful about constructive reviews.
Best wishes,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2013
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Many kind thanks to you, Rama for your kind review and suggestions. I certainly mean no ill will to those who choose to chase stars purely for the "lightness" of it all, but it is my goal to encourage people to find every possibility to HELP and Lead others to whatever joy and GRATITUDE they may create.Vance
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Yes, me too...we're on the same page with that, Vance. Blessings and Big smiles, rd
Comment from Nosha17
I agree with what you wrote in your well-crafted poem. Some people are obsessed with the stars, I am keen, like yourself, to encourage and inspire. I like to write a message in every poem, so people can learn something new. Your rhymes were excellent and your message super. But, I couldn't read it very well as the print was an unclear mauve shade, perhaps you will change it. Faye
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2013
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I agree with what you wrote in your well-crafted poem. Some people are obsessed with the stars, I am keen, like yourself, to encourage and inspire. I like to write a message in every poem, so people can learn something new. Your rhymes were excellent and your message super. But, I couldn't read it very well as the print was an unclear mauve shade, perhaps you will change it. Faye
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2013
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Thanks Faye: I appreciate your comments and actually, I was trying to edit the colors and it kept posting while I was doing it so it finally took the right shade of blue background so you might look again. Thanks so much again...His Grayness; Vance
