Hell Returns
A story about domestic abuse.5 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hello, Bunny. Your story seems to be a winner to me. I wish you good luck in the competition. I like your use of good imagery in your writing ...like this:
"Jan quietly unlocked the door and let herself into Molly's apartment. She tiptoed into the hallway and peeked into the bedroom, checking on Molly. The sight of the young woman made Jan want to cry. She never realized before, how much Molly resembled Carri, Jan's youngest daughter. They were both in their mid twenties, had blonde, curly hair, and pale skin... they even had the same blue eyes. Carri was the only one of Jan's children that had inherited her mother's looks; the older three all had darker hair and brown eyes, like Tom. Jan wondered if that was why she had taken to Molly and the girls so quickly... they reminded her so much of her own daughter and granddaughter"
Bob
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2013
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Hello, Bunny. Your story seems to be a winner to me. I wish you good luck in the competition. I like your use of good imagery in your writing ...like this:
"Jan quietly unlocked the door and let herself into Molly's apartment. She tiptoed into the hallway and peeked into the bedroom, checking on Molly. The sight of the young woman made Jan want to cry. She never realized before, how much Molly resembled Carri, Jan's youngest daughter. They were both in their mid twenties, had blonde, curly hair, and pale skin... they even had the same blue eyes. Carri was the only one of Jan's children that had inherited her mother's looks; the older three all had darker hair and brown eyes, like Tom. Jan wondered if that was why she had taken to Molly and the girls so quickly... they reminded her so much of her own daughter and granddaughter"
Bob
Comment Written 21-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2013
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Thank you very much! That means a lot, coming from you!
Comment from adewpearl
She laid there for a little while - lay there, past tense of to lie
I didn't want them to see their mommy like this, so - add comma
Open the door, bitch - add comma for direct address
A tragic story that occurs far too often in real life
You work back story in effectively
Excellent, realistic-sounding dialogue
Brooke
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2013
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She laid there for a little while - lay there, past tense of to lie
I didn't want them to see their mommy like this, so - add comma
Open the door, bitch - add comma for direct address
A tragic story that occurs far too often in real life
You work back story in effectively
Excellent, realistic-sounding dialogue
Brooke
Comment Written 20-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2013
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Thank you so much for the helpful comments and wonderful review. I very much appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story.
Comment from maggieadams
Though this is fiction, I believe that, sadly, domestic abuse is far too common and kept hushed-up. Good dialogue that told most of the story. Perhaps, break it up and have some of the dialogue become part of the narrative. Also, overuse of commas throughout...it would flow better if you removed the unnecessary ones...they are too disruptive to the flow. Nice description. P. 5 should be "she lay." Leave off "in her face" after wincing in pain (unnecessary)
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2013
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Though this is fiction, I believe that, sadly, domestic abuse is far too common and kept hushed-up. Good dialogue that told most of the story. Perhaps, break it up and have some of the dialogue become part of the narrative. Also, overuse of commas throughout...it would flow better if you removed the unnecessary ones...they are too disruptive to the flow. Nice description. P. 5 should be "she lay." Leave off "in her face" after wincing in pain (unnecessary)
Comment Written 20-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2013
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Thank you for reading my story.
Comment from Luna Darkwaters
Excellent story! A very well thought out and very well written story about the one thing that is still difficult for a woman to talk about. You captured the emotions and the action really well. Great job!
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2013
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Excellent story! A very well thought out and very well written story about the one thing that is still difficult for a woman to talk about. You captured the emotions and the action really well. Great job!
Comment Written 20-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2013
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Thank you so much for the six star rating. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from djsaxon
A similar but far more violent thrust to one of the other 'pitter patter' entries (thematically at least).Yeah, it was long, certainly. but the write remained interesting throughout. DJ
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2013
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A similar but far more violent thrust to one of the other 'pitter patter' entries (thematically at least).Yeah, it was long, certainly. but the write remained interesting throughout. DJ
Comment Written 20-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2013
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Well, thank you... I haven't read any of the others so I hope it wasn't TOO similar! Thank you so much for taking the time!
