The not so Wise Guy
Gangsters in the middle of the night.37 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A story in a hundred words - well done - I couldn't manage it - I've always too much I want to say.
All a matter of wrong identity - Duh -
good luck with the contest, Ric.
Margaret
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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A story in a hundred words - well done - I couldn't manage it - I've always too much I want to say.
All a matter of wrong identity - Duh -
good luck with the contest, Ric.
Margaret
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated!
Comment from elchupakabra
The digital clock read 3:10 am. My head pounded from overindulgence.(the allusion's implied)
Unable to sleep, I rolled towards the nightstand and turned on the lamp. The phone rang. I reached for it thinking; who's calling at this ungodly hour? Just then, a rock came crashing through my window. (This clears the narrative up a bit and cuts down your word count to save them for the more crucial part of your story coming up.)
"I'm the guy you just shot ten times - (at this point, assuming your character is riddled with bullets, he would not just be carrying on a normal conversation)
Don't take this too much to heart, the reason for the three star rating is because I felt you were more descriptive of turning the lamp on then in creating spontaneous actions or dialogue for your character's when they are interacting, which is where your story is. Best of luck in the contest, thanks for sharing.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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The digital clock read 3:10 am. My head pounded from overindulgence.(the allusion's implied)
Unable to sleep, I rolled towards the nightstand and turned on the lamp. The phone rang. I reached for it thinking; who's calling at this ungodly hour? Just then, a rock came crashing through my window. (This clears the narrative up a bit and cuts down your word count to save them for the more crucial part of your story coming up.)
"I'm the guy you just shot ten times - (at this point, assuming your character is riddled with bullets, he would not just be carrying on a normal conversation)
Don't take this too much to heart, the reason for the three star rating is because I felt you were more descriptive of turning the lamp on then in creating spontaneous actions or dialogue for your character's when they are interacting, which is where your story is. Best of luck in the contest, thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. I wasn't descriptive in the character dialog for a reason. These are wise guys and such simple words such as "Duh" said it all. The fact that he was Carmine, "Not today" and the thug was too dumb to know it and took his word.
Comment from barkingdog
This was so unbelievable that I read it several time. What a stupid criminal. With the wrong address, he shot the wrong man. I thing 'Duh' says a thousand words. Fantastic word choice!
I could hear and see it all. The phone ringing as a good 'wake up call'. LOL And the last thing the guy heard was the idiot shooter's 'duh' and the name Carmine with a question 'Carmine who?' running through his dying brain.
Of course he could have lived... who knows. Maybe he reached for the phone, called the cops and then we have the start of a detective story('Who is Carmine?')
Best of luck in the contest. No corrections. Excellent.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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This was so unbelievable that I read it several time. What a stupid criminal. With the wrong address, he shot the wrong man. I thing 'Duh' says a thousand words. Fantastic word choice!
I could hear and see it all. The phone ringing as a good 'wake up call'. LOL And the last thing the guy heard was the idiot shooter's 'duh' and the name Carmine with a question 'Carmine who?' running through his dying brain.
Of course he could have lived... who knows. Maybe he reached for the phone, called the cops and then we have the start of a detective story('Who is Carmine?')
Best of luck in the contest. No corrections. Excellent.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! Now, here's the kicker. The guy that's shot is Carmine. The "Not today" remark is meant to be a wise guy being sarcastic and smart to the very end, and the other thug being so dumb he takes his word. I'm in the process of expanding the story. Thanks!
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You would have another twist to add. Great one. :) ellen
Comment from mfowler
I once had a guy beat down a toilet door as I was stranded on the seat. He said exactly the same thing. So, I know just what you are trying to achieve here. Fear, surprise, disbelief, embarrassment, recovery. I enjoyed your clever story, but oh, the flashbacks.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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I once had a guy beat down a toilet door as I was stranded on the seat. He said exactly the same thing. So, I know just what you are trying to achieve here. Fear, surprise, disbelief, embarrassment, recovery. I enjoyed your clever story, but oh, the flashbacks.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! It's scary to think, but it could happen at any time. Sorry for the flashbacks. LOL
Comment from allborn66
This is an interesting piece. I like the light tone. The word choice is strong. I think you set the scene well enough for us to get a mental image of the place.
Barbara
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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This is an interesting piece. I like the light tone. The word choice is strong. I think you set the scene well enough for us to get a mental image of the place.
Barbara
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated!
Comment from pickthorn
A great writing prompt, indeed. You have certainly met all the requirements of the contest with this short but powerful tale of mistaken identity. A bit of ironic humor to tantalize the reader. Well written.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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A great writing prompt, indeed. You have certainly met all the requirements of the contest with this short but powerful tale of mistaken identity. A bit of ironic humor to tantalize the reader. Well written.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated!
Comment from goompa
Great job with this short story inlcluding all of the required words. Why not consider expanding it into a "longer" short story?
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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Great job with this short story inlcluding all of the required words. Why not consider expanding it into a "longer" short story?
Comment Written 14-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and great review are greatly appreciated! I haven't thought about expanding the story, but it excites and I appreciate the fact that you like it might be worth trying. Thanks!
Comment from Royce Reed
Thank you so much for writing this piece. I really enjoyed it. And I hope I run into more of your work. You write quite beautifully. Please check out some of my work if you have the change. I'm looking for all the input I can get. Thank you again. _ Royce
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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Thank you so much for writing this piece. I really enjoyed it. And I hope I run into more of your work. You write quite beautifully. Please check out some of my work if you have the change. I'm looking for all the input I can get. Thank you again. _ Royce
Comment Written 13-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! If you'd like just add me to your fan list and I will do the same so that we can be notified of each others post as soon as they are released. Thanks again.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Mystery writer, now you've aroused my curiosity, and I want to know more!
This is a great little piece. You built up the tension nicely. Have you thought of enlarging on it in a future write?
All the best in the contest. :)
Sonali
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2013
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Mystery writer, now you've aroused my curiosity, and I want to know more!
This is a great little piece. You built up the tension nicely. Have you thought of enlarging on it in a future write?
All the best in the contest. :)
Sonali
Comment Written 13-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2013
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! I really hadn't thought that much about enlarging at this point, but its so nice of you to suggest that it might be a worthy outline. Thanks for your best wishes. From what I've read so far, I'll need every vote that I can get.
Comment from 4hisglory
The guy didn't seem too upset that he was shot. Not too realistic, but you did use all the words in the prompt and looks like within the word count.
Blessings in the contest, LaVonne
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2013
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The guy didn't seem too upset that he was shot. Not too realistic, but you did use all the words in the prompt and looks like within the word count.
Blessings in the contest, LaVonne
Comment Written 13-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2013
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. Actually, the guy that got shot was a real person. The only difference being that he was shot eight times. He knew he was shot, but had no idea how many times until they got him to the hospital. Yet he never stopped being a smart elect for a minute until he passed out from lack of blood. A typical wise guy. Your generous review is greatly appreciated!
