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Reviews from

The not so Wise Guy

Gangsters in the middle of the night.

37 total reviews

Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill

Excellent

Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This was just silly. I liked it, but it was silly.Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good..Good.Karen

Comment Written 14-Sep-2023

reply by the author on 14-Sep-2023

Yes, this is supposed to be silly/funny. The first part of the story was writing from one of those prompts where you have to used a group of words. Thanks for your generous review and kind words. Much appreciated!

reply by Karen Cherry Threadgill on 14-Sep-2023

Then, mission accomplished!
Karen

Comment from hvysmker

Excellent

The florescent clock dial read 3:10 am. My head pounded from overindulgence earlier that evening.
*** Good opening, Ric. I've never had a writing course but I have a policy of using "A" the first time I name an object, "A florescent clock...", then "the" on subsequent occasions. I have no idea of any rules on such, but it seems to read a little better that way. Right now I'm reading one of the "Destroyer" series novels (hundreds of numbered issues in print) and the constant use of "the" over and over in each sentence grinds on my nerves. "The bad guy picks up the gun, loaded with the ammo and points it at the good guy." I'd write it as "Picking up a gun, Mike points it at Fred and shoots." Maybe a rule, maybe just my foible, but it does get on my nerves.

Unable to sleep, I turned to the bedside nightstand and flipped the lamp switch. The light came on as the phone rang. I reached to answer it and find out who could be calling me at that hour, just as a rock came crashing through my window, spraying glass all over the bedroom.

Too drowsy and unfocused to be mad, I tried to gather myself for a minute. Then, a knock on the door shook the whole room, and within seconds, it burst open in an explosion of gunshots that stung like raindrops of fire.
*** I'd move that comma to "....and, within seconds, it...." ?

"Who are you?" said the big ugly thug. "You had better say something, quick."

"I'm the guy you just shot ten times, hoping to live until breakfast."

"Is your name Carmine?"

"Not today."

"Duh, you must be the wrong guy."
*** Sounds like a not so wise guy.

Pretty good, Ric. I see no real errors, though I think the "thug" wouldn't talk in proper English. "Who you?" from the big ugly thug. "Better say somethin'. Now, asshole?" His speech should reflect his image.

Charlie

Comment Written 13-Dec-2013

reply by the author on 13-Dec-2013

Thanks, Charlie, for taking time to read the first part of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I have learned a lot from reading your work and your suggestions. I can't thank you enough for all the time you spend going over, my sometimes feeble, attempts at writing. However, people seem to be noticing a difference, and you have been a big part of the improvement.

reply by hvysmker on 13-Dec-2013

S'okay Ric. I, too, have noticed an improvement over the first story of your's I read.

That's the way I learned. At the start, the crits I received were at least twice as long as my stories. I tried to find readers that gave harsh honest critiques and paid attention to what they suggested and constantly improved. Now I return the favor.

Some members here don't take criticism, but I believe constantly trying to improve. Not all suggestions are good, though. As you noticed, I often make mistakes and sometimes take bad advice, myself. The key is to take what you think is useful and forget the rest.

Initially, I found a problem with some critiquers that kept harping on certain suggestions I didn't care for. For instance, being of a logical bent, I made up a list of points to study. First, I though, was to see if I COULD tell a story. Next came learning characterizations, improving my characters. Then came writing environments that readers could picture. Only then did I plan to go into dialogue which, frankly, terrified me.

Some of the people writing critiques expected me to learn everything at once and I refused, preferring my own plans, which angered them.

Others understood and didn't try to hurry me. So I don't push. I don't give a damn if you follow my advice or not. Once I give it, many twice, I skip mentioning that point.

If someone doesn't take it at all, I bow out, figuring it's a waste of time. That's what I wish those people had done for me.

My first site was "Toasted Cheese", popular at that time. At first, I got a lot of crits. Later, none at all. One of the founders told me that since I still avoided dialogue, they were ignoring my work.

I told them to fuck themselves and found another site that humored me.

Years later, I returned to Toasted Cheese long enough to win real money on one of their contests, then quit again.

Recently I returned and found the site almost dead, the latest stories years old.

Writing sites come and go. I bounce around, usually on two or three sites but seem to always come back to Fanstory.

Charlie

Charlie

Comment from lakeport

Excellent

The not so wise guy, indeed that's a very action filted story.Well written. I enjoyed reading it. God bless you. lakeport.....

Comment Written 03-Dec-2013

reply by the author on 03-Dec-2013

Thanks for taking time to read my silly little 100-150 word contest entry. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! I was just playing around with words that were giving and never dreamed that it would finish third and so many people would ask me to expand it to a real story. I hope you enjoy the expanded and coming segments. God Bless!

reply by lakeport on 03-Dec-2013

your welcome,Lakeport.

Comment from w.j.debi

Excellent

What a terrible case of mistaken identity. At least he is still alive to give the gangster some lip, but for how long.... Interesting tale with all sorts of possibilities. This could be a great beginning for something longer.

Comment Written 20-Nov-2013

reply by the author on 21-Nov-2013

Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated! I have had so many reviewers who have suggested that I expand the story, that I have. It will be posted in the next hour or so and I hope you can find time to read it. I hope you like where I take it.

Comment from Cry the Vile Rebel

Excellent

This short, short tale grabs the reader's attention and holds it. One thing that struck me was the narrator's response to being shot ten times. Not many would be able to give such dry and witty comments as they tried not to bleed out.

Comment Written 16-Nov-2013