~Arsenic & Cold Grace~
It's so lonely at the top...65 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
vivid description of Grace
I love the shock of learning that as much as he is attracted to this woman, he plans to murder her by dawn :-)
He always felt he built an insurmountable lead - he'd built
She'd drank - She'd drunk
I'm laughing my head off. :-) Now, there is a reason for murder, ranking on a writers' site. LOL
The first year I came here I rose quickly in the ranks and threatened the ranking of the number one poet, who sent me a whole crapload of harrassing hate mail PMs as she simultaneously bashed me in PMs to quite a few other writers. I'm so glad she lived hundreds of miles away or arsenic might have been in her plans. LOL Your story doesn't seem as farfetched to me as it probably does to some. :-) Well done, my friend. Brooke
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
  |
vivid description of Grace
I love the shock of learning that as much as he is attracted to this woman, he plans to murder her by dawn :-)
He always felt he built an insurmountable lead - he'd built
She'd drank - She'd drunk
I'm laughing my head off. :-) Now, there is a reason for murder, ranking on a writers' site. LOL
The first year I came here I rose quickly in the ranks and threatened the ranking of the number one poet, who sent me a whole crapload of harrassing hate mail PMs as she simultaneously bashed me in PMs to quite a few other writers. I'm so glad she lived hundreds of miles away or arsenic might have been in her plans. LOL Your story doesn't seem as farfetched to me as it probably does to some. :-) Well done, my friend. Brooke
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
-
Thank you for the review, Brooke, and the great feedback. I'll fix those errors right away!
Isn't it amazing how seriously some people take the rankings? I mean, sure, I believe we are all serious about our writing. But what do the rankings really mean in the world outside, the "real world?" I too have received such comments in the past, "hate mail", if you will. That's what prompted this story.
-
Yeah, it's crazy. This woman told me I was singlehandedly going to ruin her family's Christmas holidays if I overtook her lead because a centerpiece of their celebration was going to be a toast to her first place finish for the year. She also accused me of singlehandedly ruining the website because I was promoting my posts too high though I never promoted to the first position. LOL
Who in the world wants the responsibility for such things? LOL
-
Right? Not me, hee hee!
;D
Comment from MelReyn
Hey Dean. How's it going?
"sun, shining, but giving little off little warmth." I think an extra 'little' snuck it's way in there.
EEEeeee... Remind me to never get on your bad side. ;) LOL I like how you played off the natural competition that this site has.. or perhaps all writing sites.
I was engaged the whole time. The only time I broke out was the time I noted... and that was no biggie. Very clever. I enjoyed reading! ;)
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
|
Hey Dean. How's it going?
"sun, shining, but giving little off little warmth." I think an extra 'little' snuck it's way in there.
EEEeeee... Remind me to never get on your bad side. ;) LOL I like how you played off the natural competition that this site has.. or perhaps all writing sites.
I was engaged the whole time. The only time I broke out was the time I noted... and that was no biggie. Very clever. I enjoyed reading! ;)
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
-
Thanks very much for investing the time it took to read and review this for me. Mel. I sincerely appreciate it, and thank you also for catching that typo for me. I will get to that straight away!
Comment from Treischel
Whoa, now that story certainly gives you pause for thought. Talk about the desire to be number 1 on the sight. Brooke had better be careful. You never know! Great story full of you usual twists and turns. I enjoyed it immensely.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
|
Whoa, now that story certainly gives you pause for thought. Talk about the desire to be number 1 on the sight. Brooke had better be careful. You never know! Great story full of you usual twists and turns. I enjoyed it immensely.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
-
Thanks very much, Treischel. I'm very glad that you enjoyed it, my friend!
Comment from humpwhistle
Good story, Dean. I especially like the way you painted Grace's character right from the beginning. Decidedly un-poetic, she. I read that as an insider's joke.
I was hip to the probability of 'the switch' pretty early on. Once Bruce's intentions were clear, the old 'switching of the glass with the poison in it' seemed a good bet.
Please don't take offense, Dean, but did you spend as much time editing this piece as normal? This story seemed more wordy than most of your work.
I made a few notes as I read. Please take them with a grain of salt. My comments are often more about style than substance.
quick cursory --I wonder if quick adds anything?
maybe 'woodworker' is more accurate than 'carpenter'. The man sounds like a true craftsman.
readily plentiful --this seems an odd combination to me.
then attempted to continue once more--a bit wordy. How 'bout: then continued.
just to see (if) he could detect...
while he was over at the table speaking -- does 'over at the table' add anything?
Before he could pipe-up, Grace abruptly stood up from the table -- pipe-up and stood up feel awkwardly close together.
Mockingbird Lane? Clever
Grace let the two of them -- 'the two of' is unnecessary.
It's soft, vibrant purring -- no apostrophe for Its.
Good story, Dean.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
|
Good story, Dean. I especially like the way you painted Grace's character right from the beginning. Decidedly un-poetic, she. I read that as an insider's joke.
I was hip to the probability of 'the switch' pretty early on. Once Bruce's intentions were clear, the old 'switching of the glass with the poison in it' seemed a good bet.
Please don't take offense, Dean, but did you spend as much time editing this piece as normal? This story seemed more wordy than most of your work.
I made a few notes as I read. Please take them with a grain of salt. My comments are often more about style than substance.
quick cursory --I wonder if quick adds anything?
maybe 'woodworker' is more accurate than 'carpenter'. The man sounds like a true craftsman.
readily plentiful --this seems an odd combination to me.
then attempted to continue once more--a bit wordy. How 'bout: then continued.
just to see (if) he could detect...
while he was over at the table speaking -- does 'over at the table' add anything?
Before he could pipe-up, Grace abruptly stood up from the table -- pipe-up and stood up feel awkwardly close together.
Mockingbird Lane? Clever
Grace let the two of them -- 'the two of' is unnecessary.
It's soft, vibrant purring -- no apostrophe for Its.
Good story, Dean.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
-
Hah, thank you, Lee, very much for investing your time in reading and reviewing this for me.
Believe it or not, I edited this ten times. Initially, it was well over 5,000 words in length, and I knew that was simply way too long. I had both characters poisoning each other, too, but I scrapped that idea and had to start over. No matter how diabolical a character is, everybody likes to pull for somebody.
I appreciate those excellent suggestions, too. I'll look into implementing some of them.
Much appreciated, my friend, and, as they used to say in the 70s,...Write On!
Comment from Green Lake Girl
A most fun read, Dean. Murdering your way to the top versus screwing your way to the top; a deadly alternative! Why is the publisher always a Jewish guy? Too funny. The diner noise was a great touch. Loved the fancy chapter break.
The first paragraph: per-determined, I think, should be pre-determined. Quotation marks are missing from the "Oh, I see . . ." paragraph.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
|
A most fun read, Dean. Murdering your way to the top versus screwing your way to the top; a deadly alternative! Why is the publisher always a Jewish guy? Too funny. The diner noise was a great touch. Loved the fancy chapter break.
The first paragraph: per-determined, I think, should be pre-determined. Quotation marks are missing from the "Oh, I see . . ." paragraph.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
-
Thanks so much for the feed back and the excellent review, Green Lake Girl. And, yeah, when you put it that way, it really isn't much of a choice, is it, LOL?
I've addressed the typos, thanks so much for pointing them out to me. I really appreciate it!
-
You know . . . I think I'll ask Bob (Mastery) out for coffee. He only lives about an hour from me . . .
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is an interesting story that the author is telling the reader in this post. I found myself getting transported into the middle of this story. Maybe it was because Bruce was an online writer. Great stuff.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
|
This is an interesting story that the author is telling the reader in this post. I found myself getting transported into the middle of this story. Maybe it was because Bruce was an online writer. Great stuff.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
-
Thanks, Tomes. I'm glad you liked it.
-
Yes, I did.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Nicely done but then we would expect nothing less.
I know you had to have a twist in the stew but not sure how youd do it.
Cute story. Flowed with determination and ended just the same
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
|
Nicely done but then we would expect nothing less.
I know you had to have a twist in the stew but not sure how youd do it.
Cute story. Flowed with determination and ended just the same
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
-
Thank you very much, Barb. I am glad that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Liz Dunbee
This is a brilliant read. I was rivited from the first word. An excellent story with a great twist. Your writing is fast paced and compact. A very well done piece. One tiny thing I noticed, I think cockroach is one word.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
|
This is a brilliant read. I was rivited from the first word. An excellent story with a great twist. Your writing is fast paced and compact. A very well done piece. One tiny thing I noticed, I think cockroach is one word.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
-
Thanks very much, Liz, I'm really glad to know that it held your interests. And, you are absolutely right, cockroach is one word. I t probably got separated during the cut & paste process. I will fix that , tight away!
Thanks so much, again!
Comment from allborn66
This is an interesting tale. I was not surprised - both characters seemed overly competitive. Moral of this story - on-line friends should be kept on-line -don't every meet them in real life. ;)
Barbara
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
|
This is an interesting tale. I was not surprised - both characters seemed overly competitive. Moral of this story - on-line friends should be kept on-line -don't every meet them in real life. ;)
Barbara
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
-
So true, Barbara, I would agree with that in the majority of cases. I have met a few nice folks I talked to online, in person, and they were just as nice and genuine as they were online. I'm certain, however, that is rarely the case...
Thanks for the great review and feedback. It's much appreciated.
Comment from SaluteDobby
Aah.. Arsenic- Miss Christie's preferred poison. :)
Well written, Dean. I was considering using Arsenic as the cause of death in a murder mystery that I am writing, but decided that it had been done to death (pardon the pun!).
Nice dialogues- characters and dialogues seem natural.
Have a great day! :)
Regards,
Namratha
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
|
Aah.. Arsenic- Miss Christie's preferred poison. :)
Well written, Dean. I was considering using Arsenic as the cause of death in a murder mystery that I am writing, but decided that it had been done to death (pardon the pun!).
Nice dialogues- characters and dialogues seem natural.
Have a great day! :)
Regards,
Namratha
Comment Written 14-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
-
Thanks, Namratha, I had the same trepidations when I began researching this one. Riccin is frequently used too, but according to statistics, arsenic and anti-freeze are still the two most commonly used poisons in murders which involve poisonings. So...what the heck, if it's good enough for the real killers out there, I thought it would be good enough for my fictional ones, too.
Thanks for the great review, I really appreciate it!
