Sonnets
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "You Are My Guitar"A collection of sonnets
17 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
I don't know about sonnets, but I do know this has a strong voice. How we get out our feeling is unimportant, that we can communicate them is. Your poem emphasizes this. Good work.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2013
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I don't know about sonnets, but I do know this has a strong voice. How we get out our feeling is unimportant, that we can communicate them is. Your poem emphasizes this. Good work.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much. That was my feeling as well. I got the rhyming and syllables correct but the whole da DUM meter thing was ruining what is was trying to say so, I gave up on the sonnet aspect. Happy you liked it and that is more than good enough for me. I will try the sonnet again on another piece. regards, mike
Comment from allborn66
I think this is a wonderful poem, even if it is not a sonnet. I know there are meter issues for it to be a sonnet, but I am horrible at all that poetic technicality stuff. I think you communicated the theme well, and the tone is appropriate to the subject matter. The picture is wonderful.
Barbara
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2013
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I think this is a wonderful poem, even if it is not a sonnet. I know there are meter issues for it to be a sonnet, but I am horrible at all that poetic technicality stuff. I think you communicated the theme well, and the tone is appropriate to the subject matter. The picture is wonderful.
Barbara
Comment Written 03-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2013
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very encouraging review. I have received some good advice as far as technical things. I think I will just keep this as it is. I like it as a poem and don't want to ruin it to fit a meter scheme. I am glad you like it as well. that is good enough for me. thank you, mike
Comment from Lana Anastasia
I have to say I liked your writing. One thing about fanstory we can give each other confidence in ourself. Each one is special because you are you, I am me, we have experiances which are never exactly the same but similar, thus we can connect. Obviously, you've done a good job, all you need to do is accept the congratulations! So, congratulations!
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2013
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I have to say I liked your writing. One thing about fanstory we can give each other confidence in ourself. Each one is special because you are you, I am me, we have experiances which are never exactly the same but similar, thus we can connect. Obviously, you've done a good job, all you need to do is accept the congratulations! So, congratulations!
Comment Written 03-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2013
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How thoughtful your words and comments are. Yes, the support here is amazing. I gratefully accept your congratulations. Thank you so very much. mike
Comment from FrannyG
A great first attempt at a sonnet, Mike. There's nothing un-sonnet-like about it. You've got the 10 syllables per line though not always the iambic pentameter but that's for the purists or for teaching beginners (which you are not). The only tiny bit that jars with me (minutely) is the 'oh'. Absolutely nothing wrong with it except it's a wasted syllable (only my opinion) when you could use a significant word like 'sweet' or something of your choice that carries weight. But it's a lovely sonnet, especially the final couplet.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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A great first attempt at a sonnet, Mike. There's nothing un-sonnet-like about it. You've got the 10 syllables per line though not always the iambic pentameter but that's for the purists or for teaching beginners (which you are not). The only tiny bit that jars with me (minutely) is the 'oh'. Absolutely nothing wrong with it except it's a wasted syllable (only my opinion) when you could use a significant word like 'sweet' or something of your choice that carries weight. But it's a lovely sonnet, especially the final couplet.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2013
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actually the 'oh' is from the song that I stole this from (it's okay, it's my song!) no way to get the meter right without really destroying it. I keep hearing the song in my head and the 'oh' is ringing out. hahaha. maybe I should sing this and add it to the presentation like they do here. of course, I can barely figure out the editing as it is! really appreciate the positive feedback and kind words. the purists are a little rough sometimes. regards, mike
Comment from cinderbella
Michael, I don't know enough myself to offer a lot of critique, brutal or otherwise, but I know what I like, and I know when something has a nice smooth rhythm. For me, the rhythm is very flowing and smooth, and I really like the poem, which I think is beautiful. It speaks of someone loving another from a distance, so it has a sadness but if it brings out an emotion in the reader then it must be good. :) Just my humble opinion. Sandra
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Michael, I don't know enough myself to offer a lot of critique, brutal or otherwise, but I know what I like, and I know when something has a nice smooth rhythm. For me, the rhythm is very flowing and smooth, and I really like the poem, which I think is beautiful. It speaks of someone loving another from a distance, so it has a sadness but if it brings out an emotion in the reader then it must be good. :) Just my humble opinion. Sandra
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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so appreciate the kind words. I think the really big thing I am missing is the meter. da dum da dum. but, I would have to destroy this to achieve it. so I think I shall call it a poem and start over on my little sonnet quest. I kind of like this and I am glad that you find it too your liking as well. thank you so very much. mikey
Comment from Sally Carter
Hi Mike - some great emotion here, but the meter here is not what is required for a sonnet. What you are aiming for, if you want to write a sonnet in traditional form, are lines where the stresses fall
di DUM di DUM di DUM di DUM di DUM - di being unstressed and DUM being stressed.
To take one line as an example:
and your voice together, in harmony
If you were to try to read this with an iambic meter, you would have to say
and YOUR voice TO-ge-THER in HAR-mo-NEE,
which is not how one would naturally hear it.
Very often a few simple tweaks of words and/or order will address the problem. I am not sure what this line and the next one mean, but as a rough example, if you were to amend to something like
"and YOUR voice SWELL with MINE in HAR-mo-NEE"
the whole thing becomes natural.
My suggestion would be to go through a hard copy with a pencil, underscoring those words or syllables that you stress, and putting a dot under the unstressed ones. That way a pattern will emerge and you can begin the fun of tweaking. (That's tweaking, not twerking). Maybe I'm weird, but I find that such fun!
Best wishes and hope this is some help.
Sally
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reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Hi Mike - some great emotion here, but the meter here is not what is required for a sonnet. What you are aiming for, if you want to write a sonnet in traditional form, are lines where the stresses fall
di DUM di DUM di DUM di DUM di DUM - di being unstressed and DUM being stressed.
To take one line as an example:
and your voice together, in harmony
If you were to try to read this with an iambic meter, you would have to say
and YOUR voice TO-ge-THER in HAR-mo-NEE,
which is not how one would naturally hear it.
Very often a few simple tweaks of words and/or order will address the problem. I am not sure what this line and the next one mean, but as a rough example, if you were to amend to something like
"and YOUR voice SWELL with MINE in HAR-mo-NEE"
the whole thing becomes natural.
My suggestion would be to go through a hard copy with a pencil, underscoring those words or syllables that you stress, and putting a dot under the unstressed ones. That way a pattern will emerge and you can begin the fun of tweaking. (That's tweaking, not twerking). Maybe I'm weird, but I find that such fun!
Best wishes and hope this is some help.
Sally
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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this is wonderfully helpful. exactly what I need. I truly needed it spelled out in front of my face. ha! I love how you just toss a far superior line in for example. hahaha! I shall get to work! Yes, fun to watch. I fear I wouldn't survive it. (twerking) Not sure about tweaking either. But, that I shall attempt. Thank you so very much. mike
Comment from country ranch writer
I KNOW A FEW GUYS LIKE YOU AND THEY CAN ONLY SPEAK THROUGH THEIR GUITARS AND THEY SURE MAKE THEM TALK!----------------
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reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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I KNOW A FEW GUYS LIKE YOU AND THEY CAN ONLY SPEAK THROUGH THEIR GUITARS AND THEY SURE MAKE THEM TALK!----------------
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Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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yep. love my guitar. it talks back too. never an angry word. ha! I play the piano better though. but, the guitar is more fun for some reason. mike
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I PLAYED MOON RIVER ON THE PIANO AND HAVEN'T BEEN NEAR ONE SINCE.I WAS ABOUT 16 AT THE TIME MANY MANY MOONS AGO SEEMS LIKE A LIFETIME ACTUALLY
Comment from Darkhorse555
you are not alone you are using someone elses voice looking into your own eyes that must be a song in a half touching the silver strings beautiful piece
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
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you are not alone you are using someone elses voice looking into your own eyes that must be a song in a half touching the silver strings beautiful piece
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
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thank you. never tried one of these formal structured things. just showing them what the free verse folks are made of. hahaha! mike
Comment from SteveY
Wonderful little poem you've got here my friend. Tells a sad tale of loneliness until the favorite instrument enters the picture and then there is joy!
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
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Wonderful little poem you've got here my friend. Tells a sad tale of loneliness until the favorite instrument enters the picture and then there is joy!
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
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thank you very much. I suppose a lot of folks have music to fall back on or even our writing when times are tough. thoughtful review. regards, mike
Comment from krys123
Thank you for sharing this poem which you have done so excellently with your fans, myself and other readers/writers. You've written this sonnet very well except for the tempo and meter is a little off. The rhythm was done very well so well that it made me easily to understand and read your poem. The concept and context should I say the topic for quite interesting and I found the full flavor of the meaning of this poem which was the beauty of a silent guitar that played music for only those who could understand your love and your feelings. You have a good one and God bless.
AK
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
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Thank you for sharing this poem which you have done so excellently with your fans, myself and other readers/writers. You've written this sonnet very well except for the tempo and meter is a little off. The rhythm was done very well so well that it made me easily to understand and read your poem. The concept and context should I say the topic for quite interesting and I found the full flavor of the meaning of this poem which was the beauty of a silent guitar that played music for only those who could understand your love and your feelings. You have a good one and God bless.
AK
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
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just thrilled with your response. this is indeed a difficult form to master. I will pay special attention to the meter in my next one. that is what as you point out is the most difficult area for me. delighted that you liked the theme and everything else. wonderful review! big smiles. blessings, mike
