Richard's Lies.
500 word contest entry.3 total reviews
Comment from rbiggio
Richard's Lies. by Phillip Catshill contest entry
Dear Writer, Let me explain my methodology for critiquing. I give each piece a minimum of two reads. The first read is holistic, a first impression. The second read deconstructs the piece, focusing on grammar, mechanics, organization and elements of fiction. For poetry, I favor imagistic pieces that use figures of speech. In expository nonfiction, I look for a thesis, body, and conclusion. I subscribe to the Hemingway school of writing, "less is more." Take what you want and leave the rest. The Reader
Title could be more original
Only once was I convinced he lied.
time. He was in the bed next to me.
Switches POV from first to third person, very confusing
though her other was bound in plaster. Drop this, very awkward
All this pain arrived after a week of rain What pain???
had kept even the stalwart(who people, kids???) indoors.
As soon as a bit of blue sky broke through the clouds, Richard's gang, as we called ourselves, gathered under the trees alongside the churchyard wall.
When the storm returned, the trees offered no shelter. The rain, like needles, struck our faces. We scrambled over the lichgate and ran to the church for cover.
Verger* add a footnote for readers
Davy's dad kept pigs. The rain had dampened Davy's coat but not his pigsty odour. Is this important? Does it move the story forward?
Yah-hahwey-hatoo* add a footnote for readers
The groan that followed the thunder was that of a thousand dead. Awkward
I saw a coffin lid fly from the ground and still the tree fell towards me. Why wouldn't the tree fall?
Needs a transitional paragraph
The lichgate had gone and so were all the trees. Run-on
Don't get the ending
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2013
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Richard's Lies. by Phillip Catshill contest entry
Dear Writer, Let me explain my methodology for critiquing. I give each piece a minimum of two reads. The first read is holistic, a first impression. The second read deconstructs the piece, focusing on grammar, mechanics, organization and elements of fiction. For poetry, I favor imagistic pieces that use figures of speech. In expository nonfiction, I look for a thesis, body, and conclusion. I subscribe to the Hemingway school of writing, "less is more." Take what you want and leave the rest. The Reader
Title could be more original
Only once was I convinced he lied.
time. He was in the bed next to me.
Switches POV from first to third person, very confusing
though her other was bound in plaster. Drop this, very awkward
All this pain arrived after a week of rain What pain???
had kept even the stalwart(who people, kids???) indoors.
As soon as a bit of blue sky broke through the clouds, Richard's gang, as we called ourselves, gathered under the trees alongside the churchyard wall.
When the storm returned, the trees offered no shelter. The rain, like needles, struck our faces. We scrambled over the lichgate and ran to the church for cover.
Verger* add a footnote for readers
Davy's dad kept pigs. The rain had dampened Davy's coat but not his pigsty odour. Is this important? Does it move the story forward?
Yah-hahwey-hatoo* add a footnote for readers
The groan that followed the thunder was that of a thousand dead. Awkward
I saw a coffin lid fly from the ground and still the tree fell towards me. Why wouldn't the tree fall?
Needs a transitional paragraph
The lichgate had gone and so were all the trees. Run-on
Don't get the ending
Comment Written 23-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2013
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Thank you for pointing out the run-on sentence. I have inserted the comma.
Comment from GWHARGIS
this was one of those stories that makes you want more. I think each character was intriguing even if they were only in it for a line or two. I liked the pun about lying in the end. Nicely done. this seems like one you should expand o.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
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this was one of those stories that makes you want more. I think each character was intriguing even if they were only in it for a line or two. I liked the pun about lying in the end. Nicely done. this seems like one you should expand o.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
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Thank you for the Excellent review - and encouraging remarks. I've been working on a series of short stories about Richard's Gang, all fictional of course, and one day I'll have enough for a book. Obviously, these will be aimed at young adult reading so I'll have to find another author name to avoid youngsters reading my strictly adult crime mystery novels.
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
"Margaret clung to...Margaret WHO?
"...like the verger.(define verger and lichgate in the notes)
LOVE THIS: "... as its roots flung gravestones asunder.
".. 'as' used 2x
"...He's in prison for stealing NICKING things
Well written with a poignant sense of childhood lost.
Regards:
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
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"Margaret clung to...Margaret WHO?
"...like the verger.(define verger and lichgate in the notes)
LOVE THIS: "... as its roots flung gravestones asunder.
".. 'as' used 2x
"...He's in prison for stealing NICKING things
Well written with a poignant sense of childhood lost.
Regards:
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
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Thank you for the "Excellent" five stars. Much appreciated.
I considered using the word nicking instead of stealing, but my American English Dictionary suggests the slang term is peculiar to British English.
I did check that words such as verger and lichgate were in both transatlantic dictionaries, thus I wondered whether adding a separate definition might be regarded as patronizing.
