Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER

Excellent

I felt the TINGE upon my SKIN, Internal slant rhyme
Of early misty morn, 'm' alliteration
That made me snuggle tight within,
The Blankets that adorn
My warm comforting Bed. 'b' alliteration

I pulled them over head
To capture dreams GALORE.
"An hour MORE", I said. internal rhyme
"Please, just an hour MORE!" 'More' is repetitive

But daylight made a mockery, Great line
Weighed heavy on my eyes.
Then barking dog, and bird in tree, 'b' alliteration
They finally forced me to arise. 'f' alliteration

Now that I'm sitting up,
I'll sit and sip my cup. Love the 's' sounds
I'll watch the fog burn through,
And ponder what to do. Lovely conclusion

Regards:

 Comment Written 02-Sep-2013

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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2013

Thank you Steven, the repetitive "more" was intentional, for impact.Great review.

Comment from ravenblack

Excellent

In your notes you say there is nothing special about this poem. I disagree. There is more attention paid to content than form and it shows. You showed more of yourself in this one. And you did wake up and find many beautiful places to roam. Daylight made a mockery but nature proved to be the balm. Just had to learn to slow down enough to sip that coffee and watch the fog burn away.

 Comment Written 02-Sep-2013

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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2013

Thank you Ravenblack. I appreciate you thoughts. I know you can relate. Yes, nature is a great balm.

Comment from Rmocruz

Excellent

I can certainly relate to this poem for my retirement scenario
is quite similar. Alliteration is effective in presenting this
well rhymed story in a poem.
A pleasant brief read.

 Comment Written 02-Sep-2013

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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2013

Thank you Rmocruz. I think many can relate, unfortunately. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

reply by Rmocruz on 02-Sep-2013

You're welcome, my pleasure.

Comment from SteveY

Excellent

A powerful story captured in this lovely poem that you've written here my friend. Glad you were able to come through this unexpected event ok.

 Comment Written 02-Sep-2013

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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2013

Thank you SteveY. Only the scars remain.

Comment from sweetwoodjax

Excellent

this is very well written, treischel, you did an excellent job writing this poem about the thoughts that swirled in your head the morning after retirement. i enjoyed reading it

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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 02-Sep-2013

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reply by the author on 02-Sep-2013

Thank you sweetwoodjax. Thanks for your thoughts.