Love and Phoenix Tears
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Letters"A Harry Potter fanfiction!
3 total reviews
Comment from susand3022
I have to wonder what J.K. Rowling would think of this... will you send her a copy for the fun of it when it's done? or will you keep it to the forum's self? Maybe send her a link? LOL
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2020
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I have to wonder what J.K. Rowling would think of this... will you send her a copy for the fun of it when it's done? or will you keep it to the forum's self? Maybe send her a link? LOL
Comment Written 08-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2020
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OMG... it would make my life if J.K. Rowling ever deigned to look at this! hahaha
Comment from suzterus
You have a fun idea for your story line, it was a little hard to read though, it seemed a little congested.
Try spacing out your format a little like
"I don't need a baby-sitter, James." Lily muttered, a little affronted.
She could take care of herself. She had just been a little... frazzled, that last time. Usually she was far more aware of her surroundings, but she didn't want to sound overly defensive, because that only made her look like she was making pathetic attempts to rationalise her behaviour.
Of course, that was what she was trying to do, but James didn't have to know that.
"Do I really look like the baby-sitting type? Merlin, nobody would let me around their children!"
The scandalised look that passed over his face was positively outrageous, and Lily couldn't hold back a small snort of laughter.
"I simply wished to be graced by the pleasure of your company." He smiled charmingly, eyes sparkling innocently.
Lily shrugged after a moment of deliberation, resigned. Really, there was no legitimate reason for her to refuse his company, aside from her own pride."
I have learned also that using "show" words are appealing to readers also. so something like
"You are actually related to a famous musician? Was he only famous in the wizarding world, or also as a muggle?" She questioned, a little curious. (raising an eyebrow and tilting her head in confusion)
I liked your Potter fanfiction story!
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You have a fun idea for your story line, it was a little hard to read though, it seemed a little congested.
Try spacing out your format a little like
"I don't need a baby-sitter, James." Lily muttered, a little affronted.
She could take care of herself. She had just been a little... frazzled, that last time. Usually she was far more aware of her surroundings, but she didn't want to sound overly defensive, because that only made her look like she was making pathetic attempts to rationalise her behaviour.
Of course, that was what she was trying to do, but James didn't have to know that.
"Do I really look like the baby-sitting type? Merlin, nobody would let me around their children!"
The scandalised look that passed over his face was positively outrageous, and Lily couldn't hold back a small snort of laughter.
"I simply wished to be graced by the pleasure of your company." He smiled charmingly, eyes sparkling innocently.
Lily shrugged after a moment of deliberation, resigned. Really, there was no legitimate reason for her to refuse his company, aside from her own pride."
I have learned also that using "show" words are appealing to readers also. so something like
"You are actually related to a famous musician? Was he only famous in the wizarding world, or also as a muggle?" She questioned, a little curious. (raising an eyebrow and tilting her head in confusion)
I liked your Potter fanfiction story!
Comment Written 27-Jul-2013
Comment from DanielEkine
This is a nice story. I can definitely see it in the stores someday.
"Lily bit her lip, what was with the interrogation? And such random questions... her favourite number? She always liked the number five. And seven. "I suppose five. Why? Are you trying to psycho analyse me or something?" She shot at him, figuring he must have some sort of ulterior motive. Afterall, he was James Potter.
"Psycho- what?" A look of such utter bewilderment passed over his features that Lily sighed and couldn't help but smile a bit at the image.
"Nevermind - what's your favourite number then, Sherlock Holmes?" nice work.
Nevermind should be Never mind.
favourite should be favorite
Afterall should be After all
psychoanalyse should be psycho analyse
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This is a nice story. I can definitely see it in the stores someday.
"Lily bit her lip, what was with the interrogation? And such random questions... her favourite number? She always liked the number five. And seven. "I suppose five. Why? Are you trying to psycho analyse me or something?" She shot at him, figuring he must have some sort of ulterior motive. Afterall, he was James Potter.
"Psycho- what?" A look of such utter bewilderment passed over his features that Lily sighed and couldn't help but smile a bit at the image.
"Nevermind - what's your favourite number then, Sherlock Holmes?" nice work.
Nevermind should be Never mind.
favourite should be favorite
Afterall should be After all
psychoanalyse should be psycho analyse
Comment Written 27-Jul-2013
