The Animal Doctor
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Of Love and War Part2"Love Among the Thorns
34 total reviews
Comment from AprilShower
Wow! This is certainly well written, Amahra. I'm glad I stopped by to read it. It kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time. I didn't even desire to fall asleep. I notice one thing which I'm not sure about below:
Is this really what you wanted to say?
A white blur stood in the white blur.
Suggestion: A white blur stood before him.
April :o)
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
  |
Wow! This is certainly well written, Amahra. I'm glad I stopped by to read it. It kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time. I didn't even desire to fall asleep. I notice one thing which I'm not sure about below:
Is this really what you wanted to say?
A white blur stood in the white blur.
Suggestion: A white blur stood before him.
April :o)
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
-
I was trying to let the reader see what he saw coming out of a coma. When he first opened his eyes, he saw white blur (the bright lights) Then the nurse's white uniform looked to him as a white blur standing within the bright lights. Remember everything was blurring to him at first. I hope that helps. Thank you so much for reading, reviewing and suggesting. I really appreciate it April.
-
Thank you April.
Comment from forestport12
I'm glad to get back to your novel. I'm particularly fond of this story. I love a good historical that you make come to life. All the dialogue so moves the story along in brilliant fashion. So full of depth and a richness, I'm glad to get back to this. No kidding. Not just sayin... to win your points. No ma'am. I love this.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
 |
I'm glad to get back to your novel. I'm particularly fond of this story. I love a good historical that you make come to life. All the dialogue so moves the story along in brilliant fashion. So full of depth and a richness, I'm glad to get back to this. No kidding. Not just sayin... to win your points. No ma'am. I love this.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
-
Oh, thank you so much for reading and enjoying my story. I hope you'll like my next chapter.
-
Thank you again my friend.
Comment from Terror2s
I am picking this up in the middle, but I thought the story flowed very well. You did a great job of showing the nurse's reactions to your main character. T2
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
|
I am picking this up in the middle, but I thought the story flowed very well. You did a great job of showing the nurse's reactions to your main character. T2
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
-
Well, thank you T2. I really appreciate your comments.
-
Thank you.
Comment from Auroraboreal800
This is a very interesting story, very well written. With the help of Author's Note, easy and enjoyable to read.
I had never thought about the loss of animals in a war. How devastating and described well.
GREAT JOB Amahra!
:)
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
|
This is a very interesting story, very well written. With the help of Author's Note, easy and enjoyable to read.
I had never thought about the loss of animals in a war. How devastating and described well.
GREAT JOB Amahra!
:)
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
-
Thank you very much.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Oh goodness gracious, dear Harriett ... Margaret? The Doubtful Angel ... what a cliff hanger this is!!
Oh, I hope he doesn't cheat on his wife!
I really enjoyed the read. I'm amazed at the description of the battlefield. You write as if you've had first and experience.
Well done, dear lady! :)
Spags:
barbed wire ... not barb wire
animal parts .. not animals parts
half pinned (no hyphen)
soggy pods ... on soggy (lily) pads?
blood and shit. ... suggest: ... and excrement (not sure if the word shit would have been used at that time)
so none were lost ... suggest: ... no one was lost (to distinguish between the animals and the men!)
right on his heels ... suggest: ... at his heels
nine still soldiers returned home ... suggest: the corpses of nine soldiers
made gestures with their eyes ... suggest: ... made exaggerated eye movements (a gesture involves a limb!)
was scheduled (to arrive?) in three days
excited about/ to have (not for) the extra help.
his injured men; a few were too injured to return ....suggest: .. his missing men (to avoid repetition of injured)
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2013
|
Oh goodness gracious, dear Harriett ... Margaret? The Doubtful Angel ... what a cliff hanger this is!!
Oh, I hope he doesn't cheat on his wife!
I really enjoyed the read. I'm amazed at the description of the battlefield. You write as if you've had first and experience.
Well done, dear lady! :)
Spags:
barbed wire ... not barb wire
animal parts .. not animals parts
half pinned (no hyphen)
soggy pods ... on soggy (lily) pads?
blood and shit. ... suggest: ... and excrement (not sure if the word shit would have been used at that time)
so none were lost ... suggest: ... no one was lost (to distinguish between the animals and the men!)
right on his heels ... suggest: ... at his heels
nine still soldiers returned home ... suggest: the corpses of nine soldiers
made gestures with their eyes ... suggest: ... made exaggerated eye movements (a gesture involves a limb!)
was scheduled (to arrive?) in three days
excited about/ to have (not for) the extra help.
his injured men; a few were too injured to return ....suggest: .. his missing men (to avoid repetition of injured)
Comment Written 07-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2013
-
Thank you for reading and for suggestions.
Comment from Curtis Hatch
Amahra,
War is one of the most horrific things mankind can do to one another. Your have done an excellent job of spelling out the horror, pain, suffering, and death that takes place on the battle field. It is a not too subtle reminder that in many wars, those who want war and are able to lead countries into war sit back in air conditioned offices and are oblivious to what the soldiers are going through.
One faint-moon night... dampness in the air, they had returned some horses to their duties and were gathering many injured ones, including mules, to be brought back to the hospital, when roaring mortar shells exploded nearby[;](.)---beware of run on sentences. Seven to twenty words is the optimum sentence length, although it is not always possible. This sentence is 36 words long.
He began [to] floating above it all...men screaming in pain, animals parts soaring up and around him, the earth parting beneath him.---There is quite a bit of 'redundancy' throughout the chapter. Redundancy is using the same word or its root in the same sentence, paragraph, or adjoining paragraphs. Parts and parting are redundant in the sentence above. Try to use synonyms to replace one of the words. You could use separating to replace parting.
I hope you find these suggestions helpful.
Curtis
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2013
|
Amahra,
War is one of the most horrific things mankind can do to one another. Your have done an excellent job of spelling out the horror, pain, suffering, and death that takes place on the battle field. It is a not too subtle reminder that in many wars, those who want war and are able to lead countries into war sit back in air conditioned offices and are oblivious to what the soldiers are going through.
One faint-moon night... dampness in the air, they had returned some horses to their duties and were gathering many injured ones, including mules, to be brought back to the hospital, when roaring mortar shells exploded nearby[;](.)---beware of run on sentences. Seven to twenty words is the optimum sentence length, although it is not always possible. This sentence is 36 words long.
He began [to] floating above it all...men screaming in pain, animals parts soaring up and around him, the earth parting beneath him.---There is quite a bit of 'redundancy' throughout the chapter. Redundancy is using the same word or its root in the same sentence, paragraph, or adjoining paragraphs. Parts and parting are redundant in the sentence above. Try to use synonyms to replace one of the words. You could use separating to replace parting.
I hope you find these suggestions helpful.
Curtis
Comment Written 07-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2013
-
I do find them helpful and thank you so much Curtis for taking the time to read, review and correct. Blessings to you, my dear.
Comment from ravenblack
Write what you know...And the sign of a good writer is one who can make an experience convincing without ever having experienced it herself. Excellent passages dealing with the bombing- you put me there. Also really liked the paragraph where Nathan is just coming out of unconsciousness.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2013
|
Write what you know...And the sign of a good writer is one who can make an experience convincing without ever having experienced it herself. Excellent passages dealing with the bombing- you put me there. Also really liked the paragraph where Nathan is just coming out of unconsciousness.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2013
-
Thank you so much ravenblack. I'm so glad you liked the chapter.
Comment from sujo1964
I literally could hear mortar and gunfire, screaming, wailing from the animals and smell the death. Wow. You did a brilliant job on the description, and riveted me to the scene. Excellent job.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2013
|
I literally could hear mortar and gunfire, screaming, wailing from the animals and smell the death. Wow. You did a brilliant job on the description, and riveted me to the scene. Excellent job.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2013
-
Thank you sujo for this fine review. I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter.
Comment from Norbanus
This is a excellent job of showing the horrors of war and a sensitive man's reaction to it.
Her are a few spots you might want to check:
"I need help over here! He yelled." Wading through the mug(mud) and under falling shells,
A switch from past tense to present tense here:
Nathan Daniels arrived at the US Army Veterinary Corps-Hospital in France. He hopes to aid his country with his skills and return home to his love-ones. But life is never that simple for Daniels.
Many more injured by barb wire,(barbed-wire or barbwire) infections from mud fever, and broken legs.
Nathan's view was blocked off by an overturned ambulance and terrified scrambling animals. (Passive voice. Consider: 'An overturned ambulance and the scrambling animals blocked Nathan's view.'
With shrapnel flying, men leaped like frogs on soggy pods, landing face-down(facedown) in their own blood and shit.
Dr. Farris answered, checking nathan's(Nathan's) pupils.
I must be sick, he thought, squinting his eyes at his bright surroundings. (Sometimes it's better to show introspecion through italics. I lets up eliminate an unnecessary 'he thought' you could also drop 'his eyes'[what else is he going to squint]. Consider: I must be sick. He squinted at his bright surroundings.
the anmimamals(animals)
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2013
|
This is a excellent job of showing the horrors of war and a sensitive man's reaction to it.
Her are a few spots you might want to check:
"I need help over here! He yelled." Wading through the mug(mud) and under falling shells,
A switch from past tense to present tense here:
Nathan Daniels arrived at the US Army Veterinary Corps-Hospital in France. He hopes to aid his country with his skills and return home to his love-ones. But life is never that simple for Daniels.
Many more injured by barb wire,(barbed-wire or barbwire) infections from mud fever, and broken legs.
Nathan's view was blocked off by an overturned ambulance and terrified scrambling animals. (Passive voice. Consider: 'An overturned ambulance and the scrambling animals blocked Nathan's view.'
With shrapnel flying, men leaped like frogs on soggy pods, landing face-down(facedown) in their own blood and shit.
Dr. Farris answered, checking nathan's(Nathan's) pupils.
I must be sick, he thought, squinting his eyes at his bright surroundings. (Sometimes it's better to show introspecion through italics. I lets up eliminate an unnecessary 'he thought' you could also drop 'his eyes'[what else is he going to squint]. Consider: I must be sick. He squinted at his bright surroundings.
the anmimamals(animals)
Comment Written 07-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2013
-
Thank you Norbanus. I'll print out your corrections and suggestions. I really appreciate you taking the time.
Comment from Schalk Jacobs
I must be a psychic, as I saw this coming. LOl. Another stupendous chapter, my friend. loved the action scene that you painted with your words. Well done.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2013
|
I must be a psychic, as I saw this coming. LOl. Another stupendous chapter, my friend. loved the action scene that you painted with your words. Well done.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2013
-
Thank you Jacobs. If you're psychic, I should make you my muse. LOL I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter
