the open sea
5-7-5 syllables4 total reviews
Comment from RodG
I like snapshots of the sea, but I don't see much I this short poem. What isthe Speaker transfixed by? Whatbeauty gives her bliss? You leave too much to the reader's imagination.
Minor error: "bliss" has only two S's.
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I like snapshots of the sea, but I don't see much I this short poem. What isthe Speaker transfixed by? Whatbeauty gives her bliss? You leave too much to the reader's imagination.
Minor error: "bliss" has only two S's.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2013
Comment from adewpearl
it's difficult to see how you expect beyond to be compressed into one syllable
- I just can't force myself to say it that way
good alliteration in beauty/bliss
and in starr'n/sea
do you mean to have the third S on blisss?
Brooke
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it's difficult to see how you expect beyond to be compressed into one syllable
- I just can't force myself to say it that way
good alliteration in beauty/bliss
and in starr'n/sea
do you mean to have the third S on blisss?
Brooke
Comment Written 06-Jul-2013
Comment from JB Lynn
I do like the idea of being blissful on the sea and that maybe it's the beauty of the sea that causes this bliss. I think there's just some technical things that should be addressed, though.
"starr'n across the sea" - is "starr'n" supposed to be a shortened version of staring? I think you're trying to make this one syllable, but it feels awkward and forced.
"transfixed beyo'nd captivity" - Any way I read this, I count 8 syllables, so you need to re-work here and try to find a way to lose a syllable. Also, I don't see the reason for the apostrophe in the middle of "beyond".
"beauty amidst blisss" - I think the extra "s" in bliss was just a simply typo but wanted to point it out since this is for a contest. Keep at it. I definitely think you're off to a terrific start, and that it's a good concept for a 5-7-5 poem.
Thank you for sharing, and good luck!
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I do like the idea of being blissful on the sea and that maybe it's the beauty of the sea that causes this bliss. I think there's just some technical things that should be addressed, though.
"starr'n across the sea" - is "starr'n" supposed to be a shortened version of staring? I think you're trying to make this one syllable, but it feels awkward and forced.
"transfixed beyo'nd captivity" - Any way I read this, I count 8 syllables, so you need to re-work here and try to find a way to lose a syllable. Also, I don't see the reason for the apostrophe in the middle of "beyond".
"beauty amidst blisss" - I think the extra "s" in bliss was just a simply typo but wanted to point it out since this is for a contest. Keep at it. I definitely think you're off to a terrific start, and that it's a good concept for a 5-7-5 poem.
Thank you for sharing, and good luck!
Comment Written 06-Jul-2013
Comment from jaydub99
This has a lot of potential. You have a great cadence and definite rhythm in your poem. I think you have an extra s on bliss which detracts from the completed form. I usually like poems with no picture but in this case I think you need a visual timekeeper to keep things moving. Good luck on your contest.
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This has a lot of potential. You have a great cadence and definite rhythm in your poem. I think you have an extra s on bliss which detracts from the completed form. I usually like poems with no picture but in this case I think you need a visual timekeeper to keep things moving. Good luck on your contest.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2013
