All Those Puzzling Pieces
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "Sticky-notes"What makes a life? How do the pieces fit?
146 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Wonderful work, dear. It's nicely nuanced with musical aspects, like rhyme and near-rhyme, assonance, consonance, alliteration, etc., and has a super flowing cadence read aloud. It also is replete with VERVE and originality. Great free verse contest entry.
Favorite high notes:
because who in their right mind
dives and thrashes into pain, splashing shame? I'd rather laugh, shuffle,
dissemble, fumble with discomfort, and armor-plate my heart.
Great and subtle satirical overtones. LOVE the consonance of P and S as well as alliteration on D and assonance of A, especially.
I love my sons, for sure. I'll call that love - with fierceness
death can never challenge.
Brilliant~!
Love this:
No, not mere paint and bricks, but the faintest tricks
of light upon the shrouded wildness of salt-spun air, where
frigate-birds climb high up to clouds, then plunge,
warm and gliding, side by side, dropping down to find the line
where blue of sky and ocean meet, teetering on earth's edge.
Exquisite imagery!
But that would be a mere distraction from the fact
that I come home to quiet now. Not just quiet, but Silence.
Endless, sighing, trying to fill the space you've left me ... bereft
of silly skyscrapers of congealing dishes in the sink
or piles of papers in improbable places.
WONDERFUL...brilliant! Articulately voiced, too. I LOVED reading the above aloud, especially the alliteration and phrasing here:
silly skyscrapers of congealing dishes
and the P's in the subsequent line as well.
Good enjambement here--ironically echoing the disjointed aspect of the filing system... Your filing system
always left much to be desired. Usually, just sticky-notes
on the wall, scrawled here and there, and occasionally
just one beautiful, doodled heart, scripted with "I love you" -
something to challenge my breathless boundaries.
Wow--awesome...and it makes an apt title too.
Excellent contrast and poignant imagery:
Today, just the wind wanders, singing through our
sacred grove of Norfolk pines, glittering with rain. Nothing
in the sink. Nothing precarious. All precise, present and correct
in geometric perfection. Papers filed, beds made, both
sides smoothed, pillows plumped and straightened, awaiting
you ... but those pillows stay unruffled, unwrinkled, and music
echoes empty, as sticky-notes confetti to the floor
Great imagery in recipe with emotional overtones implied by the stick-note confetti...just one suggestion to consider removing the line break so that the enjambement is from one line to another instead of one stanza--as a balance and counterpoint to the previous enjambement with FILING mentioned above. (Just a thought)
Excellent use of spacing to show the descent of the 'confetti' as a metaphorical fall into a new way of life...emotionally intense:
in silent
slow
motion
No one's at the door, as I contemplate
my bare
creamy
heartless
walls
Potent, stark closing imagery and phrasing.
Simply outstanding, dear.
Another *rare* six for you!
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
  |
Wonderful work, dear. It's nicely nuanced with musical aspects, like rhyme and near-rhyme, assonance, consonance, alliteration, etc., and has a super flowing cadence read aloud. It also is replete with VERVE and originality. Great free verse contest entry.
Favorite high notes:
because who in their right mind
dives and thrashes into pain, splashing shame? I'd rather laugh, shuffle,
dissemble, fumble with discomfort, and armor-plate my heart.
Great and subtle satirical overtones. LOVE the consonance of P and S as well as alliteration on D and assonance of A, especially.
I love my sons, for sure. I'll call that love - with fierceness
death can never challenge.
Brilliant~!
Love this:
No, not mere paint and bricks, but the faintest tricks
of light upon the shrouded wildness of salt-spun air, where
frigate-birds climb high up to clouds, then plunge,
warm and gliding, side by side, dropping down to find the line
where blue of sky and ocean meet, teetering on earth's edge.
Exquisite imagery!
But that would be a mere distraction from the fact
that I come home to quiet now. Not just quiet, but Silence.
Endless, sighing, trying to fill the space you've left me ... bereft
of silly skyscrapers of congealing dishes in the sink
or piles of papers in improbable places.
WONDERFUL...brilliant! Articulately voiced, too. I LOVED reading the above aloud, especially the alliteration and phrasing here:
silly skyscrapers of congealing dishes
and the P's in the subsequent line as well.
Good enjambement here--ironically echoing the disjointed aspect of the filing system... Your filing system
always left much to be desired. Usually, just sticky-notes
on the wall, scrawled here and there, and occasionally
just one beautiful, doodled heart, scripted with "I love you" -
something to challenge my breathless boundaries.
Wow--awesome...and it makes an apt title too.
Excellent contrast and poignant imagery:
Today, just the wind wanders, singing through our
sacred grove of Norfolk pines, glittering with rain. Nothing
in the sink. Nothing precarious. All precise, present and correct
in geometric perfection. Papers filed, beds made, both
sides smoothed, pillows plumped and straightened, awaiting
you ... but those pillows stay unruffled, unwrinkled, and music
echoes empty, as sticky-notes confetti to the floor
Great imagery in recipe with emotional overtones implied by the stick-note confetti...just one suggestion to consider removing the line break so that the enjambement is from one line to another instead of one stanza--as a balance and counterpoint to the previous enjambement with FILING mentioned above. (Just a thought)
Excellent use of spacing to show the descent of the 'confetti' as a metaphorical fall into a new way of life...emotionally intense:
in silent
slow
motion
No one's at the door, as I contemplate
my bare
creamy
heartless
walls
Potent, stark closing imagery and phrasing.
Simply outstanding, dear.
Another *rare* six for you!
Love,
rd
Comment Written 17-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
-
woo HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Knowing your sixes are rarer than hens' teeth, rd, I will now embark upon my second cup of coffee with a huge grin on my face! Seriously, I'm delighted. I'll take another look at that line for enjambment ... I've been re-looking at 'free' verse as some people are saying that there should be 'structure' within free verse. I notice Billy Collins writes that way, usually in 3 or 4 line 'verses', so thought I'd experiment with it a little. I can't say it comes naturally though - I much prefer the 'free-stylin'' which pretty much means anything you want it to mean. Thoughts?
Also, I was wondering if I could ask you to final edit a few of my short stories. With Jeff away, I'm taking some time to send a few things out for possible publishing, rather than have all my stuff sitting around doing nothing.
:)))hugs
S
-
Sure thing, darling sister-friend. Feel free to send files to my email.
thoughts on free verse--I think there is some powerful free=stylin' free verse out there, but the majority of people mistakenly think that any words strung together in free style can be poetic. In my humble opinion, for great free verse poetry, there needs to be either a sense of musicality (With use of cadences or phonetics or both--and dramatic pauses or breaths) of it has to be deeply thought provoking (as in a free style aphorism) or emotive.
Hugs and Love,
rd
-
ok - that goes with my definition too - but some people get stuck on "free verse isn't always free", meaning it has a "strict form" - which I've never thought of it as having. BUT I have ALWAYS assumed it MUST have a language musicality that is lacking in prose. A 'prose poem' is VERY different. So good - glad you give more latitude in your definition (and extra glad that it agrees with MINE).
and on editing - Lovely! I'll send some to you for a little 'cleanup'. I guess first of all, I'd like an opinion on whether some of the stories are simply 'genre' (eg romance), or 'literary' ... and what, for you, would be the defining element between them. Some of mine are pure pulp light romance - I know that - and didn't want to send them in as 'literary' and have them laughing to death as they consigned it to trash! :)))
I'm also wanting to put together some possible 'chap book' and even 'book' poetry collections. With Jeff away at the moment, I actually have some time to do such things - would love any advice you have on publishers etc etc ...
hugs
:))S
-
Sure thing dear. Please copy these details to the email as it is easier for me to reference. Thanks! Love and hugs, rd
-
will do! :)
-
Mwah!
Comment from justmarly
This is very good. You are pretty and a good writer. Could you please tell me how in the loven earth anyone can write for theatres for them to accept it. I have wanted to do this for years but in Canada its hard to get started. You keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
|
This is very good. You are pretty and a good writer. Could you please tell me how in the loven earth anyone can write for theatres for them to accept it. I have wanted to do this for years but in Canada its hard to get started. You keep up the good work.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
-
Bless you Marly! I wrote my one woman show and performed it myself at the Fringe festival! It's easy enough to get published, but to get it PERFORMED and in mainstream theatres? THAT'S hard as most theatres only want to look at established writers, I've found. I'm only just now taking the time to submit to theatre companies, so I'll let you know if I have any success. Most important thing is to workshop the piece so you KNOW the wrinkles have been ironed out. Also, I included a lot of music in mine, but now realize I'll have to re-write, using poetry/songs of my own. People don't want to pay all the copyright costs for using other peoples' music - it makes the piece prohibitively expensive to put on, especially now that they've revised the music copyright law so something has to be 75 years old before it becomes public domain! GRRR!
Do have have any theatre pieces published on FS? Good scriptwriters here are as rare as hens' teeth and I'd love to read some!
:) Sharyn
-
Thank you for writing me. You just tell me what songs you will need. I have written lots. Maybe you could just work with them and let me know what you will do. I have sold my music and can write about anything. My daughter is good at it too. I have a few poems and a story called: Winter Months. I have lots of stories. I love writing dialogue. I also have a book written called: The Forces of Evil. I am a published writer. Haven't had much time in the pass year to do much writing but I am moving in 2 weeks to my own apt. I can hardly wait. Hope to hear from you soon. Marly_Justin
-
Marly, that's FABULOUS! LOTS of people tell me they can write music - so often, I give them my pieces and that's the last I hear of them. I would LOVE to send you a couple to play with. Thank you so much! Let me know when you get settled.
:)Sharyn
-
I can't write music but I can write sungs. Sorry. Hope you didn't take me wrong. Sure side them and I give you my word I will give them back I would fear to take any writings of yours. I will let you know. Its so hard here to write because of the kids. There are 3 boys who are my noisy grand children. That's boys for yah. Thanks for writing MJ
-
hey, if you can hum a MELODY, even THAT helps!! and I hear you about 'boys', believe me! :))S
ps: may I send them to you via e mail in proper format?? easier to work with, print out etc.
-
Sure can
I'll keep in close touch. I will be sure you will be able to trust me. I know Jesus as my Saviour so you can trust me. MJ
Comment from Cornelius2000
Another terrific poem, which i trust is fiction and not autobiographical. I especially liked the way you went into slow motion at the end of the poem...very clever.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
 |
Another terrific poem, which i trust is fiction and not autobiographical. I especially liked the way you went into slow motion at the end of the poem...very clever.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
-
Thanks so much Dave - yes, fictional my dear - can't stand mushy love poems! :))S
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This is a great poem. I love the lines:
Today, just the wind wanders, singing through our
sacred grove of Norfolk pines, glittering with rain
I like the idea of the last lines being the opposite of what someone would expect "creamy" walls to evoke.
I think this poem would have won a cash prize in the national poetry convention I went to this weekend in Albuquerque.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
|
This is a great poem. I love the lines:
Today, just the wind wanders, singing through our
sacred grove of Norfolk pines, glittering with rain
I like the idea of the last lines being the opposite of what someone would expect "creamy" walls to evoke.
I think this poem would have won a cash prize in the national poetry convention I went to this weekend in Albuquerque.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
-
Such lovely praise is definitely appreciated my dear! Thank you so much for this, and for your wonderful six!
Blessings
Sharyn :)
Comment from Callyope
This piece strikes a chord within me. The pain of empty heartache and sudden abandonment resonate thoroughly on this day, the 7th anniversary of my mother's death. On this day, I embrace my pain and become more acquainted with it on a spiritual level. Thanks for sharing this one, it helps to bring my hurt closer to the surface...
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
|
This piece strikes a chord within me. The pain of empty heartache and sudden abandonment resonate thoroughly on this day, the 7th anniversary of my mother's death. On this day, I embrace my pain and become more acquainted with it on a spiritual level. Thanks for sharing this one, it helps to bring my hurt closer to the surface...
Comment Written 17-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
-
Bless you C. - sink into it - this, too, shall pass, right?
:)Sharyn
Comment from costellsgirl33
Today, if you ask about love, I'll dismiss you without much thought,which is what I ought to do, because who in their right mind dives and thrashes into pain, splashing shame? I'd rather laugh, shuffle,dissemble, fumble with discomfort, and armor-plate my heart.
Ah, I absolutely love the opening paragraph. Its like you got inside my brain and wrote my exact thoughts from yesterday! And that is amazing!
Its also amazing how many different emotions love can make us feel. I thought your poem was beautifull written and so captivating.
Great job! Thank you
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
|
Today, if you ask about love, I'll dismiss you without much thought,which is what I ought to do, because who in their right mind dives and thrashes into pain, splashing shame? I'd rather laugh, shuffle,dissemble, fumble with discomfort, and armor-plate my heart.
Ah, I absolutely love the opening paragraph. Its like you got inside my brain and wrote my exact thoughts from yesterday! And that is amazing!
Its also amazing how many different emotions love can make us feel. I thought your poem was beautifull written and so captivating.
Great job! Thank you
Comment Written 17-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
-
Thank you so much my dear! :)Sharyn
Comment from Gracie619
What a wonderful idea to use for this poem! Definitely kept my interest with the word play, and I especially loved the ending "steps" of words. This is a fun one to keep and read again!
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
|
What a wonderful idea to use for this poem! Definitely kept my interest with the word play, and I especially loved the ending "steps" of words. This is a fun one to keep and read again!
Comment Written 17-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
-
Bless you, Gracie, both for enjoying my piece and for your much appreciated and magic sixer!
:)Sharyn
Comment from Antonin70
One has to assume that poetry which attempts to express sadness,love and irredeemable loss all at the same time is very ambitious indeed. Here the poetess makes an excellent attempt but just goes a wee bit over the top. For example,'where blue of sky and ocean meet, teetering on earth's edge.' is quite irrelevant to the lines before and after it, and, more importantly, out of keeping with the state of mind in which the authoress has so far depicted herself.I really think she does a great job in describing a home which a husband and father has left, but she has not quite made me CARE about her situation at all. If only she had said whose fault it was I could have taken sides. But I can't, I can only look in from the outside not feeling myself to be part of the scene. Anton
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
|
One has to assume that poetry which attempts to express sadness,love and irredeemable loss all at the same time is very ambitious indeed. Here the poetess makes an excellent attempt but just goes a wee bit over the top. For example,'where blue of sky and ocean meet, teetering on earth's edge.' is quite irrelevant to the lines before and after it, and, more importantly, out of keeping with the state of mind in which the authoress has so far depicted herself.I really think she does a great job in describing a home which a husband and father has left, but she has not quite made me CARE about her situation at all. If only she had said whose fault it was I could have taken sides. But I can't, I can only look in from the outside not feeling myself to be part of the scene. Anton
Comment Written 17-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
-
aaah, a man with no heart, I see ... oh dear ...
-
Oh, but I have an ENORMOUS heart. Just slightly myopic emotions :) Come on, you know it was good! Anton
-
Of course it was, dear - what does it TAKE to move you???? Or shouldn't I ask???
-
A sense of humour works better than anything :) A
-
aaah GOOD! Now THAT we have in common then!
Bless you!
Sharyn
Comment from melsie911
Bravo! I can't believe how you captured my instant interest with your first 6-8 words! For me I felt, reading your poem, that you were peering into my heart (except, maybe for your ocean location). The feel comes across that even though the subject has armor-plated their heart, the wistfulness of the clutter, that had been there (and who it represented), is still missed and longed for; the void. So difficult, emotionally, to get through! I, too, say "boo and hiss"! Thank-you so much for sharing!! Mel
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
|
Bravo! I can't believe how you captured my instant interest with your first 6-8 words! For me I felt, reading your poem, that you were peering into my heart (except, maybe for your ocean location). The feel comes across that even though the subject has armor-plated their heart, the wistfulness of the clutter, that had been there (and who it represented), is still missed and longed for; the void. So difficult, emotionally, to get through! I, too, say "boo and hiss"! Thank-you so much for sharing!! Mel
Comment Written 17-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
-
Bless you Melsie, both for your detailed reading and for your wonderful sixer!
:)Sharyn
Comment from PoesyPoet
I liked the message in this work. I think you are right in the fact that love comes in many forms, but there is a special kind of love in having that one, very special someone to be in love with and who loves you.. otherwise, (like you said), home can be a very silent place when you don't. Good luck in the contest. PP
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
|
I liked the message in this work. I think you are right in the fact that love comes in many forms, but there is a special kind of love in having that one, very special someone to be in love with and who loves you.. otherwise, (like you said), home can be a very silent place when you don't. Good luck in the contest. PP
Comment Written 17-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2013
-
Bless you PP!
:) Sharyn
