A Perfection's Worth
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Charcoal Forest "A dedication to unconditional love...
15 total reviews
Comment from visionary1234
Love your images of dark and light here, Greg!
"Soot from a heart long burning; burnt out" - imagery of destruction and desolation, emptiness.
This was outstanding:
"A rainbow with layers of the same color of nowhere
Droops over cobwebs, paired chairs of rocking despair
We stumble as lovers within forests stripped bare"
Slant-rhyme 'sparkle' and 'charcoal' are unexpected and work well! Self-denigration:
"My face plays behind lies, greed, distance...delight" - a very objective view, in retrospect, hmm?
This READS like a free verse piece - first time thru, I wasn't even aware of the rhymes - I was so taken by the visual images and the strong speech rhythms.
Well done, my friend!
:)Sharyn
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2013
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Love your images of dark and light here, Greg!
"Soot from a heart long burning; burnt out" - imagery of destruction and desolation, emptiness.
This was outstanding:
"A rainbow with layers of the same color of nowhere
Droops over cobwebs, paired chairs of rocking despair
We stumble as lovers within forests stripped bare"
Slant-rhyme 'sparkle' and 'charcoal' are unexpected and work well! Self-denigration:
"My face plays behind lies, greed, distance...delight" - a very objective view, in retrospect, hmm?
This READS like a free verse piece - first time thru, I wasn't even aware of the rhymes - I was so taken by the visual images and the strong speech rhythms.
Well done, my friend!
:)Sharyn
Comment Written 29-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2013
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Thank you! I wasn't expecting such a great review. I'm humbled, really. That means so much! Its almost like "misery loves company" "delight". I don't feel that way consciencely though. I really appreciate you reading this. Its part of my book!
Comment from MeganLinton1
Wow.. We really do have a lot in common. You're passion and internal sacrifice and deep seeded suffering shows though your work. Maybe no to everyone but it feels somewhat close to home to me. I have written things not too similar but in the descriptions you use.. Its a little eerie. I just don't post a lot of my work in fear of rejection I suppose.. But this was endearing and scintillating. I believe you can see her pain through your eyes and back again when I read this. I hope this makes sense to you.. Rewarding to read, thank you.
Meg
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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Wow.. We really do have a lot in common. You're passion and internal sacrifice and deep seeded suffering shows though your work. Maybe no to everyone but it feels somewhat close to home to me. I have written things not too similar but in the descriptions you use.. Its a little eerie. I just don't post a lot of my work in fear of rejection I suppose.. But this was endearing and scintillating. I believe you can see her pain through your eyes and back again when I read this. I hope this makes sense to you.. Rewarding to read, thank you.
Meg
Comment Written 11-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2013
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Wow thank you sincerely. Yeah I think we are similar in a lot of ways like I said. I had a pretty messed up 30 years or so and am just now starting to try and learn to actually let people in, like my life, at 32. I grew up alone with a f*ck the world and everyone type of mentality because honesty, I needed to. It was survival mode. But I'm realizing that I don't need to be in that mode anymore. My past, my pain, my ills, all feel like they drag my wife down. But ultimately they don't. It just makes me feel guilty sometimes, which is why I'm trying to learn how to think, live, differently. Thank you for "getting" this poem. It means a lot. Really. This was tough to write personally.
Comment from alexgeorge
Without human contact and the occasional embrace, the human heart does grow cold. So, this is a poem that needs close scrutiny to understand fully. And each time one visits it, a new meaning materialises from the cleverly written verses. The author's notes surely helped. He's suffering, and he uses her to gain relief. She is hurt by the way he treats her, 'disbelief' so the poem says, but the emptiness inside him testifies to the erroneous way with which he deals with the matter --and his relationship.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2013
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Without human contact and the occasional embrace, the human heart does grow cold. So, this is a poem that needs close scrutiny to understand fully. And each time one visits it, a new meaning materialises from the cleverly written verses. The author's notes surely helped. He's suffering, and he uses her to gain relief. She is hurt by the way he treats her, 'disbelief' so the poem says, but the emptiness inside him testifies to the erroneous way with which he deals with the matter --and his relationship.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2013
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Wow that is a truly insightful read my friend. Very insightful. You have it spot on. Sometimes I feel as if I'm "dragging her down" with my illness. We bite our tongues, bleed through our teeth, chin glistens. I'm used to it, she's not, she's in disbelief by it all, how I treat her, everything. Very very insightful read. Thank you so much for your read. Ugh I wish I could nominate you for the competition. Do we only get them every month? Anyway, truly, thank you Alex. Incredible.
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Emm, I hope I wasn't too hard on you. I took the meaning of the poem to be that he was mistreating her in some way. Now I realise you are making reference to a personal illness and it is autobiographical.
I wish you a quick recovery, if that is possible, Gregory. The fact that you are ill is not your fault but it can be demanding to the spouse --and I'm saying it from the point of view of a person who has a sick member in the family suffering from kidney failure problems.
As I said in my review, your poem is deep and needs someone more talented than I to review it to its full potential and grasp all its meaning.
I hope you accept my apology.
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Of course do not be sorry! Your take was exactly right! You might not have known the details but you were spot on with he meaning! Spot on. I am much better. It was just a period where I felt guilty. But you read it perfectly with regards to its symbolism. No need to apologize my friend!
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OK. I feel better now.
Comment from Darkhorse555
in all that's said and done in life in the rainbow the colour of light through the clouds shows the sun is tipping its hat your way lovely piece
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2013
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in all that's said and done in life in the rainbow the colour of light through the clouds shows the sun is tipping its hat your way lovely piece
Comment Written 09-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2013
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I truly hope do. Thank you so much for the kind review!
Comment from 9999pool
They give us the flame and passion of fire. We mistook them and use it to burn them to charcoals and soot.
We were immersed in our own illnesses - so selfish and thought we have a right to demand their attention.
Little did we realize that we have stepped overboard and edging towards a cliff fall.
We hurt them bad and took out our misery on their lives.
As we look back and think - they deserved more than what we have given them.
Great write and reads well too.
Cheerio, Ritchie.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2013
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They give us the flame and passion of fire. We mistook them and use it to burn them to charcoals and soot.
We were immersed in our own illnesses - so selfish and thought we have a right to demand their attention.
Little did we realize that we have stepped overboard and edging towards a cliff fall.
We hurt them bad and took out our misery on their lives.
As we look back and think - they deserved more than what we have given them.
Great write and reads well too.
Cheerio, Ritchie.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2013
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Thank you Ritchie. You always get it, so incredibly insightful. Thank you for reading it so deeply, and taking the time to review it my friend. Have a great day, thank you.
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Hi Gregory,
Maybe it's for the love of reviews that I get to do an interesting read in poetry. I am uncanny and I add up all the equations mentally and recalling the past poems of each writer - that helps a lot too. Smiles.
Cheerio, Ritchie.
Have a great weekend and a blessed one too.
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You too my friend you too
Comment from Glasstruth
Oh, Wow! The imagery of dark, anger galore, and other tones that fill this sad, but magnificent piece of writing is beautiful. My favorite lines:
"A prisoner of drifting silk bars, with scissors of reason
She stays shackled to nothing, remains without freedom"
Your metaphors are just outstanding. Wish I had a sixer. Superb!
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2013
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Oh, Wow! The imagery of dark, anger galore, and other tones that fill this sad, but magnificent piece of writing is beautiful. My favorite lines:
"A prisoner of drifting silk bars, with scissors of reason
She stays shackled to nothing, remains without freedom"
Your metaphors are just outstanding. Wish I had a sixer. Superb!
Comment Written 08-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2013
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Thank you so much! That is a truly humbling review. Really thank you, yes it had a lot of meaning personally...
Comment from Jean Lutz
Excellent writing. I thought of both humanity and environment as I read. I am behind in reviewing so I apologize if I have let some of your writings scroll away.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2013
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Excellent writing. I thought of both humanity and environment as I read. I am behind in reviewing so I apologize if I have let some of your writings scroll away.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2013
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Don't Ever feel obligated to read Anything. It gets overwhelming catching everyone's writing! I'm grateful that you took the time to read! Have a great day and truly thank you for such a kind review.
Comment from Dungle McIngis
This poem has an interesting mix of imagery and tones: half dark, decayed, and sad; half beautiful, complex, and hopeful. The image of rain water washing out the ash of burnt trees is especially beautiful and extremely evocative of the lingering remnants of depression. But it's also an image of cleansing, of natural renewal. Given that you live in Southern California, I'm sure you've seen/are seeing plenty of forests and deserts burn up and grow again. It seems to me a perfectly apt image! The only thing that I think might be improved is the clarity of your wife's place in the poem. She is somewhat obscured within your psychological-expressionistic descriptions. Without the notes, I'm not sure I would be able to understand who 'she/her' is. Obviously it's a deeply personal poem, and you can't make it crystal clear without sacrificing some of the personal meaning, but I think a little could go a long way. (Note- I hadn't realized before that 'paired chairs of rocking despair' makes for an interesting and fairly overt image of marriage- I was on the fence, but that made me change my rating to a six. Still, I think it could be improved with a tad more clarity.)
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2013
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This poem has an interesting mix of imagery and tones: half dark, decayed, and sad; half beautiful, complex, and hopeful. The image of rain water washing out the ash of burnt trees is especially beautiful and extremely evocative of the lingering remnants of depression. But it's also an image of cleansing, of natural renewal. Given that you live in Southern California, I'm sure you've seen/are seeing plenty of forests and deserts burn up and grow again. It seems to me a perfectly apt image! The only thing that I think might be improved is the clarity of your wife's place in the poem. She is somewhat obscured within your psychological-expressionistic descriptions. Without the notes, I'm not sure I would be able to understand who 'she/her' is. Obviously it's a deeply personal poem, and you can't make it crystal clear without sacrificing some of the personal meaning, but I think a little could go a long way. (Note- I hadn't realized before that 'paired chairs of rocking despair' makes for an interesting and fairly overt image of marriage- I was on the fence, but that made me change my rating to a six. Still, I think it could be improved with a tad more clarity.)
Comment Written 06-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2013
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Thanks so much! Give me an idea of what you mean about explaining her more. Like actually including her more in the poem? Like her feelings, looks, etc? Let me know and I'll look at it! Again thanks so much for the review! Very much!
Comment from country ranch writer
SOME PEOPLE GO THROUGH LIFE NEVER KNOWING LOVE OF REALIZING THEIR LIFE'S WORTH. TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, IN SICKNESS,AND HEALTH TO DEATH DO US PART ISN'T JUST FOR MARRIED FOLK ANYMORE. TO EACH HIS OWN AND WHAT THEY FEEL IN EACH OTHERS HEARTS IS LOVE FOR THE ONE THEY ARE WITH AND IF THAT SOME ONE INFECTS ANOTHER THEY WILL BE TOGETHER TILL THE DAY THEY DIE FOR FOREVER
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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SOME PEOPLE GO THROUGH LIFE NEVER KNOWING LOVE OF REALIZING THEIR LIFE'S WORTH. TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, IN SICKNESS,AND HEALTH TO DEATH DO US PART ISN'T JUST FOR MARRIED FOLK ANYMORE. TO EACH HIS OWN AND WHAT THEY FEEL IN EACH OTHERS HEARTS IS LOVE FOR THE ONE THEY ARE WITH AND IF THAT SOME ONE INFECTS ANOTHER THEY WILL BE TOGETHER TILL THE DAY THEY DIE FOR FOREVER
Comment Written 04-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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That is such a powerful message. You really read it perfectly, so insightful. I feel guilty often because it feels like I bring her down. Sad. Thank you so very much for the excellent review.
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WELL YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY THINGS HAPPEN IN LIFE THAT WE WEREN'T SURE WHY BUT BEING TOGETHER IS ALL THAT MATTERS THERE IS NO WRIGHT OR WONG LOVE EACH OTHER AND TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME AND ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN THERE IS NO GAURENTES WE WILL LIVE FOREVER HECK WE CAN DIE GOING OUT IN THE WORLD ANY TIME DAY OR NIGHT.
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You're right. Thank you so much. That helps a lot...
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welcome
Comment from ravenblack
I hear you in your struggles. I have been there many a time too. My wife also slips at times. Thankfully often not at the same moments. And this is not one of despair because you hold each- other up. " a rainbow with layers of the same color of/ nowhere/ droops over cobwebs, pared chairs of/ rocking despair". - powerful stuff that makes the time when you can dance and smile w/ out clenching teeth that much more precious.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2013
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I hear you in your struggles. I have been there many a time too. My wife also slips at times. Thankfully often not at the same moments. And this is not one of despair because you hold each- other up. " a rainbow with layers of the same color of/ nowhere/ droops over cobwebs, pared chairs of/ rocking despair". - powerful stuff that makes the time when you can dance and smile w/ out clenching teeth that much more precious.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2013
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You read it perfectly. Thank you for that. Very good. Yes, I thank God that we don't go through anything at the same time. Although I've been going through something bad for four months now (for a reason) and it has taken a toll on her I know. I just feel so guilty but its not something I can control. I do absolutely everything to get better though. I hope it in fact passes. Thank you so much for reading...
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Hang in there... And write it out.
