All Those Puzzling Pieces
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Sugared Stars"What makes a life? How do the pieces fit?
105 total reviews
Comment from poesyapprentice
It's beautiful and sugar sweet, with just a touch of naughty. I adore your "flow" (one of my fav things about your style), but I think you need a breath in that first verse cuz I almost turned ocean blue myself, lol! ; ) Nice alliteration throughout, without overdoing it IMHO. Has good assonance and consonance in there, with a little rhyme and those ing phrases-- Just a lovely balance of a bunch of little treasures which make up the delightful whole. The imagery is wonderful, all of it! Truly I think it deserves a six, but I don't have one left for you. : ( I wish you the best of luck in the contest! Hugs!
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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It's beautiful and sugar sweet, with just a touch of naughty. I adore your "flow" (one of my fav things about your style), but I think you need a breath in that first verse cuz I almost turned ocean blue myself, lol! ; ) Nice alliteration throughout, without overdoing it IMHO. Has good assonance and consonance in there, with a little rhyme and those ing phrases-- Just a lovely balance of a bunch of little treasures which make up the delightful whole. The imagery is wonderful, all of it! Truly I think it deserves a six, but I don't have one left for you. : ( I wish you the best of luck in the contest! Hugs!
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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thx poesy ... yes, I thought about that - think I might get rid of a line so you can breathe - wouldn't want you to turn ocean blue dear! :)S
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But I like all the lines, lol! Can you tweak one just a touch enough so you could add a space line in there somewhere for a breath? You do have a bangin flow, girl, and I dig it! : )
Comment from JM daSilva
Hesitant love that becomes bold. In the beginning, I felt they were shy, but then, they were emboldened by each other's love vibes. At the end, I felt they knew each other very well. You told a story in a poem.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Hesitant love that becomes bold. In the beginning, I felt they were shy, but then, they were emboldened by each other's love vibes. At the end, I felt they knew each other very well. You told a story in a poem.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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thx so much JM! :)S
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Welcome.
Comment from Sasha
Marvelous work with this one. I love the visual imagery you convey with the melting ice cream. Excellent entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Marvelous work with this one. I love the visual imagery you convey with the melting ice cream. Excellent entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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thx my dear! :)Sharyn
Comment from donaldww
This is an excellent poem about two potential lovers on a bench, eating ice cream and getting closer. I like the language of drips, skips and kisses, sticky lips, fingers. All using the i assonance.
I found the word luscious out of place because it disturbed the beautiful rhythm that is building using i's right from sitting, and it is a telling word that also also reinforces the disturbance of the image.
I like that transition to gerunds in the second half of the poem.
Super job!
Cheers,
DW
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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This is an excellent poem about two potential lovers on a bench, eating ice cream and getting closer. I like the language of drips, skips and kisses, sticky lips, fingers. All using the i assonance.
I found the word luscious out of place because it disturbed the beautiful rhythm that is building using i's right from sitting, and it is a telling word that also also reinforces the disturbance of the image.
I like that transition to gerunds in the second half of the poem.
Super job!
Cheers,
DW
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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excellent suggestion on 'luscious' DW - you were absolutely correct - too easy to get carried away with purple poetry! Blessings, Sharyn
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Lovely and very detailed scene like those repeated all over the world from ancient times till today. It's the mating ritual of humans. And everyone in love, loves to see it and remembers their own early days. I have to look up the word LAMBENT... new to me!
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Lovely and very detailed scene like those repeated all over the world from ancient times till today. It's the mating ritual of humans. And everyone in love, loves to see it and remembers their own early days. I have to look up the word LAMBENT... new to me!
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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lambent = glowing ... just liked the sound of it Phyllis ... :)s
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Hi Sharyn - I loved your imagery in this one - just off the scale indeed. A great submission for the contest my friend.
Thanks for sharing this beauty.
Maureen
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Hi Sharyn - I loved your imagery in this one - just off the scale indeed. A great submission for the contest my friend.
Thanks for sharing this beauty.
Maureen
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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thx so much Maureen! :)S
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Lovers waiting and then enjoying ecstatic and sensual state of romanticism by degrees opening and surrendering to each one and with the summer setting the day they are beginning their journey to the ends, I liked this nice flown thoughts, series, the images and the visual projection. 23/273
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Lovers waiting and then enjoying ecstatic and sensual state of romanticism by degrees opening and surrendering to each one and with the summer setting the day they are beginning their journey to the ends, I liked this nice flown thoughts, series, the images and the visual projection. 23/273
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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thx dear! :)S
Comment from nancyjam
What a gorgeous love poem. there is teasing
and romance wrapped in beautiful sweet images.
I can see these two young people and hear the gulls
and the ocean. You bring the scene alive with your
vivid descriptions.
Love that last stanza - so satisfying.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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What a gorgeous love poem. there is teasing
and romance wrapped in beautiful sweet images.
I can see these two young people and hear the gulls
and the ocean. You bring the scene alive with your
vivid descriptions.
Love that last stanza - so satisfying.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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thx so much nancy! :)S
Comment from Patti R.
lambent sent me scramblin' for the dictionary!
This is sumptuous! Sweet and young and perfectly penned!
The dripping cone, a sugar cone no less; the lips and fingertips - damn I wish I was twenty again. There's something intrinsically romantic about being at the beach, so this whole package is set just right!
Good luck in the contest, S.
Patti
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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lambent sent me scramblin' for the dictionary!
This is sumptuous! Sweet and young and perfectly penned!
The dripping cone, a sugar cone no less; the lips and fingertips - damn I wish I was twenty again. There's something intrinsically romantic about being at the beach, so this whole package is set just right!
Good luck in the contest, S.
Patti
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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thx patti - can you tell I'm craving chocolate? :))
Comment from GeraldS
This is a delightful piece. The poem is almost as sweet as the taste of the drip of chocolate ice cream on the side of the sugar cone. The girl in the poem is enjoying her dessert and the boy is patiently waiting for his! This is a well written and well executed piece. The artwork and narrative fit together perfectly. Good luck in the contest with the judging!
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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This is a delightful piece. The poem is almost as sweet as the taste of the drip of chocolate ice cream on the side of the sugar cone. The girl in the poem is enjoying her dessert and the boy is patiently waiting for his! This is a well written and well executed piece. The artwork and narrative fit together perfectly. Good luck in the contest with the judging!
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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thx Gerald! :)S
