Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "Utahu Moon"Murder Mystery
46 total reviews
Comment from JM daSilva
Nightmares, ghosts, bodies, lots of things happening here. I want to learn more, so I'll become your fan. I have some editing suggestions for you. Take whatever you like, ok?
Using the percolator-style coffee pot handed down by his mother, he made his coffee strong
. Using the percolator-style coffeepot inherited from his mother, he made his coffee (passive)
A smell that was a mixture of wet fur and feces emanated from somewhere nearby.
A smell, a mixture of wet fur and feces, emanated from somewhere (avoid weak be)
The response was a crash that came from the direction of his kitchen.
The response was a crash from the kitchen. (weak connectors)
Wasu woke and stood at the foot of the bed barking.
Wasu woke and stood at the foot of the bed, barking. (parenthetical, or the bed is barking)
into
Tony stepped onto the cold floor and into his waiting slippers. He grabbed his dog's collar, and the two of them advanced down the short hallway.
Tony stepped onto the cold floor, into his waiting slippers, and grabbed his dog's collar as the two of them advanced down the short hallway. (transition)
Wasu pulled free of Tony's grasp. He whimpered and circled in agitation, torn between retreating to safety and staying by his owner's side.
Wasu pulled free of Tony's grasp, whimpering, and circled in agitation, torn between retreating to safety and staying by his owner's side. (transition)
Tony stepped through the cutlery and dried goods strewn across the floor and stopped before the only drawer in the room left undisturbed.
Tony stepped through the cutlery and dried goods strewn across the floor, and stopped before the only drawer in the room left undisturbed. (transition comma with and)
He pulled it partway open, removing an eight-inch stick of blessed sage and a flame starter. He hugged the bundle against his chest and bowed his head.
He pulled it partway open, removing an eight-inch stick of blessed sage and a flame starter, hugged the bundle against his chest and bowed his head. (removing pronoun to avoid repetition)
suspected, its intention was to intimidate him, it failed in that regard.
suspected, its intention was to intimidate him, it failed. (succinct)
At the bottom of the porch he hesitated.
At the bottom of the porch, he hesitated.
endure another tongue lashing.
endure another tongue-lashing. (noun hyphen participle)
"Look under the bed," a voice answered in his mind.
Tony knelt beside the bed and reached underneath.
Tony knelt beside it and reached underneath. (repetition)
Wasu bounded into view with his big, red tongue draped sideways across his teeth
Wasu bounded into view with his big red tongue (you can't say red big, so no comma)
The mushroom derived its name from the fact its color bore a strong resemblance to the back feathers of a chicken.
Tony loved it fried with butter and onions and accompanying a good piece of steak.
Tony loved it fried with butter and onions, with a good piece of steak.
Stepping far away from the body, Tony called Tribal Police Headquarters. He reported the finding of the body and agreed to wait for the Tribal Policemen to arrive.
Stepping far away from the body, Tony called Tribal Police Headquarters, reported finding the body and agreed to wait. (I know who he is waiting)
Seated on one of the downed logs, he felt the full weight of his seventy-six years.
Seated on one of the downed logs, seventy-six years weighed down on him. (to avoid sense verbs, like I saw, I felt, I noticed, etc)
His emotions flip-flopped between the desire to destroy and To Ksa Pe (His wisdom).
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2013
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Nightmares, ghosts, bodies, lots of things happening here. I want to learn more, so I'll become your fan. I have some editing suggestions for you. Take whatever you like, ok?
Using the percolator-style coffee pot handed down by his mother, he made his coffee strong
. Using the percolator-style coffeepot inherited from his mother, he made his coffee (passive)
A smell that was a mixture of wet fur and feces emanated from somewhere nearby.
A smell, a mixture of wet fur and feces, emanated from somewhere (avoid weak be)
The response was a crash that came from the direction of his kitchen.
The response was a crash from the kitchen. (weak connectors)
Wasu woke and stood at the foot of the bed barking.
Wasu woke and stood at the foot of the bed, barking. (parenthetical, or the bed is barking)
into
Tony stepped onto the cold floor and into his waiting slippers. He grabbed his dog's collar, and the two of them advanced down the short hallway.
Tony stepped onto the cold floor, into his waiting slippers, and grabbed his dog's collar as the two of them advanced down the short hallway. (transition)
Wasu pulled free of Tony's grasp. He whimpered and circled in agitation, torn between retreating to safety and staying by his owner's side.
Wasu pulled free of Tony's grasp, whimpering, and circled in agitation, torn between retreating to safety and staying by his owner's side. (transition)
Tony stepped through the cutlery and dried goods strewn across the floor and stopped before the only drawer in the room left undisturbed.
Tony stepped through the cutlery and dried goods strewn across the floor, and stopped before the only drawer in the room left undisturbed. (transition comma with and)
He pulled it partway open, removing an eight-inch stick of blessed sage and a flame starter. He hugged the bundle against his chest and bowed his head.
He pulled it partway open, removing an eight-inch stick of blessed sage and a flame starter, hugged the bundle against his chest and bowed his head. (removing pronoun to avoid repetition)
suspected, its intention was to intimidate him, it failed in that regard.
suspected, its intention was to intimidate him, it failed. (succinct)
At the bottom of the porch he hesitated.
At the bottom of the porch, he hesitated.
endure another tongue lashing.
endure another tongue-lashing. (noun hyphen participle)
"Look under the bed," a voice answered in his mind.
Tony knelt beside the bed and reached underneath.
Tony knelt beside it and reached underneath. (repetition)
Wasu bounded into view with his big, red tongue draped sideways across his teeth
Wasu bounded into view with his big red tongue (you can't say red big, so no comma)
The mushroom derived its name from the fact its color bore a strong resemblance to the back feathers of a chicken.
Tony loved it fried with butter and onions and accompanying a good piece of steak.
Tony loved it fried with butter and onions, with a good piece of steak.
Stepping far away from the body, Tony called Tribal Police Headquarters. He reported the finding of the body and agreed to wait for the Tribal Policemen to arrive.
Stepping far away from the body, Tony called Tribal Police Headquarters, reported finding the body and agreed to wait. (I know who he is waiting)
Seated on one of the downed logs, he felt the full weight of his seventy-six years.
Seated on one of the downed logs, seventy-six years weighed down on him. (to avoid sense verbs, like I saw, I felt, I noticed, etc)
His emotions flip-flopped between the desire to destroy and To Ksa Pe (His wisdom).
Comment Written 06-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2013
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Wow, J.M. You have given me a lot of great suggestions, here. I am away from computer today, using a hotel one for this response. But I can't wait to get back home and make your suggested changes. By hook or by crook, you are going to teach me how to avoid that blasted passive voice that dogs me! Thanks so much for your interest, support and generosity. Warmest regards, Bev
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It's a great pleasure. I'm very happy you like it.
Comment from Healthyheartpoet
You held my attention all the way through this chapter. The metaphor about the crows was very good. Your description of what happened made for a lot of suspense and drama. The fact that a poltergeist was at work making mischief added to the story.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2013
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You held my attention all the way through this chapter. The metaphor about the crows was very good. Your description of what happened made for a lot of suspense and drama. The fact that a poltergeist was at work making mischief added to the story.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2013
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Hi, HHP. Thank you for this most encouraging and generous review! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from God's Writer
Yes you have done very well ny friend bringing this story to life incorporating so much feeling and imagery well done ... Happy Poet
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2013
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Yes you have done very well ny friend bringing this story to life incorporating so much feeling and imagery well done ... Happy Poet
Comment Written 06-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2013
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Thanks so much, Erick. I appreciate the time and support. Bev
Comment from JW
This is another well written chapter. No spags were found. And it does a great job of holding a reader's interest.
One cannot help but wonder were this latest development will lead to. JW
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2013
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This is another well written chapter. No spags were found. And it does a great job of holding a reader's interest.
One cannot help but wonder were this latest development will lead to. JW
Comment Written 06-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2013
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Thanks so much, Jonathon. I appreciate your continued interest in my story. That means a lot to me! Warmest Regads, Bev
Comment from Norbanus
This intense segment fast moving and yet clear. You've done a good job of letting the reader know what's needed without getting bogged down in unnecessary details. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2013
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This intense segment fast moving and yet clear. You've done a good job of letting the reader know what's needed without getting bogged down in unnecessary details. Nicely done.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2013
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Thank you for taking time to read and review! Bev
Comment from Tina55
Awesome photo. Just looking at it makes me want to write...let alone read your chapter...well chosen!
Weird occurrences going on here, Bev. You write Tony's attachment to the earth and his awareness of spiritual movement well, all the while keeping tensions high.
This is a great thriller, Bev.
The Lake appeared mantled in diamond dust where the sun reflected off its surface, and Tony was drawn to its mute beauty. ( I love this line)
Ah! Great hook to keep the reader eager for more at the end.
Nice, clean writing, Bev. It moves smoothly, unhindered by too much descriptive prose. Nicely done!
Love,
Tina
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2013
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Awesome photo. Just looking at it makes me want to write...let alone read your chapter...well chosen!
Weird occurrences going on here, Bev. You write Tony's attachment to the earth and his awareness of spiritual movement well, all the while keeping tensions high.
This is a great thriller, Bev.
The Lake appeared mantled in diamond dust where the sun reflected off its surface, and Tony was drawn to its mute beauty. ( I love this line)
Ah! Great hook to keep the reader eager for more at the end.
Nice, clean writing, Bev. It moves smoothly, unhindered by too much descriptive prose. Nicely done!
Love,
Tina
Comment Written 06-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2013
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I agree, that picture tells it own story. Thanks so much, Tina. You know how much I respect your opinion on these chapters. Thanks for letting me know about the descriptions. Usually, I wonder if there's enough.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
By the way, a group of crows is called a 'murder' of crows.
As to the setting..I needed more detail but as this has probably been covered I move on to character development...also probably covered. The native idioms are well done and the pacing of and interpretation of the Sioux language is well done. I grew up next to a rez in Canada and thus in Book 4 of my Civil War series, I deal with the Osage in the Ozarks as part of the yet to be published novel 'The Bastard Ground'. All in all a good read with a distinctive 'western' touch and an interesting plot.
Regards:
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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By the way, a group of crows is called a 'murder' of crows.
As to the setting..I needed more detail but as this has probably been covered I move on to character development...also probably covered. The native idioms are well done and the pacing of and interpretation of the Sioux language is well done. I grew up next to a rez in Canada and thus in Book 4 of my Civil War series, I deal with the Osage in the Ozarks as part of the yet to be published novel 'The Bastard Ground'. All in all a good read with a distinctive 'western' touch and an interesting plot.
Regards:
Comment Written 05-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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Yes, I am familiar with the term 'murder of crows'. Thanks much for stopping by to read. I appreciate your generous review and shared insights. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Righteous Riter
This chapter is very intense and has a rapid yet consistent pace. The transitioning between events is smooth as the story is well balanced. The writer does a good job of leading the reader where the reader needs to go and setting up for the following chapter. Nice job.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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This chapter is very intense and has a rapid yet consistent pace. The transitioning between events is smooth as the story is well balanced. The writer does a good job of leading the reader where the reader needs to go and setting up for the following chapter. Nice job.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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Thank you so much for this wonderful review! :0) Bev
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Oh boy Bev, you had me on the edge of my seat with this. I was sure something was going to happen in the house.
Great post and so full of mystery and spooky. Yikes.
No issues I see, a fabulous post for this story even if it scared the wits out of me.
Thank for sharing.
Maureen
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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Oh boy Bev, you had me on the edge of my seat with this. I was sure something was going to happen in the house.
Great post and so full of mystery and spooky. Yikes.
No issues I see, a fabulous post for this story even if it scared the wits out of me.
Thank for sharing.
Maureen
Comment Written 05-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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Thanks so much, Maureen! I really appreciate your generosity and encouragement. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
My last six already - what a chapter - I get completely lost in your story - such great imagery in your words which take me there -- and then the mystery and intrigue. what a terrible find for him --
manteled??
mantled -
bring the next chapter on, Bev.
Margaret
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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My last six already - what a chapter - I get completely lost in your story - such great imagery in your words which take me there -- and then the mystery and intrigue. what a terrible find for him --
manteled??
mantled -
bring the next chapter on, Bev.
Margaret
Comment Written 05-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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What an honor to receive such a generous and encouraging review, Margaret. I know how precious those sixes are, so I am especially honored. Thanks so much for your support. Warmest regards, Bev
