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Viewing comments for Chapter 75 "Wombs"Shorter stories
24 total reviews
Comment from brenda faye curtis
Dismal, indeed, and maybe not too far from the truth, as our society becomes more and more lethargic and disconnected from other human beings. You've described the details of this horrific future in a way that makes the story feasible to the reader, as well as deeply disturbing. It's awesome!
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2018
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Dismal, indeed, and maybe not too far from the truth, as our society becomes more and more lethargic and disconnected from other human beings. You've described the details of this horrific future in a way that makes the story feasible to the reader, as well as deeply disturbing. It's awesome!
Comment Written 28-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2018
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Thanks, Brenda. I thought also of the workers, fed ideas and situations that would give the semblance of having a life beyond work.
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Too true! There are many layers to your story.
Comment from Dean Kuch
This is an outstanding bit of writing, Bill.
It sort of reminds me of a cross between 2001: A Space Odyssey and The Matrix.
The movie Brazil came to mind as well.
Eve turned back to Womb 16, withdrew a laser suture and mended the tear in the labia. She lightly touched a circular panel to her left front. It opened and projected a small, finger-sized cylinder held by a clip. Eve removed the insemination module; she then ran her gloved thumb along the side to locate the identity strip. Once located, she touched the strip against the implanted inner thigh strip to sync up and calibrate with Womb 16's bio-metrics.... Insemination is an actual word, Bill, but inseminator is fine too.
These viewings were all translated into the Nepalese dialect of Dzongkha, Azerbaijani Turkic,Swahhili Swahili, Estonian, and Mandarin. There were several million messages about solutions for cleaning teeth and vaginas, chemicals to eliminate body odor and hemorrhoids, and reminders for everyone to buckle up for safety and duck and cover. ... Self explanatory.
This moves fairly quickly at 2,068 words.
Thanks for tonight's entertainment.
~Dean
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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This is an outstanding bit of writing, Bill.
It sort of reminds me of a cross between 2001: A Space Odyssey and The Matrix.
The movie Brazil came to mind as well.
Eve turned back to Womb 16, withdrew a laser suture and mended the tear in the labia. She lightly touched a circular panel to her left front. It opened and projected a small, finger-sized cylinder held by a clip. Eve removed the insemination module; she then ran her gloved thumb along the side to locate the identity strip. Once located, she touched the strip against the implanted inner thigh strip to sync up and calibrate with Womb 16's bio-metrics.... Insemination is an actual word, Bill, but inseminator is fine too.
These viewings were all translated into the Nepalese dialect of Dzongkha, Azerbaijani Turkic,
This moves fairly quickly at 2,068 words.
Thanks for tonight's entertainment.
~Dean
Comment Written 26-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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Thanks, Dean. They must have changed the spelling of Swahili since I wrote this.
: )
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You're more than welcome, Bill. :)
Comment from Thomas Bowling
If this method of childbirth had been around in my younger years, I would have fathered twenty-seven kids instead of a measly six. Where were you when I needed you, Dr. Bill?
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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If this method of childbirth had been around in my younger years, I would have fathered twenty-seven kids instead of a measly six. Where were you when I needed you, Dr. Bill?
Comment Written 26-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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This is a futuristic story, so until then we?ll have to keep plugging along.
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Bill. This is an amazing piece of writing. The depersonalization of life is evident throughout. As we progress along as mindless, valueless beings this could be in our future. Good luck in the contest. Marilyn
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2018
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Hi Bill. This is an amazing piece of writing. The depersonalization of life is evident throughout. As we progress along as mindless, valueless beings this could be in our future. Good luck in the contest. Marilyn
Comment Written 25-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2018
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Thanks, Marilyn.
Comment from RFL
Hi Bill,
I am back to give you some more feedback. I don't think my comments in WORD's Review mode would show up here, so I will just cut and paste the first couple of paragraphs with my notes in brackets and see how that goes:
"The extraction of the fully developed fetus [and placenta] from Womb 16 had been completed. Eve cut removed [omit removed] the umbilical cord from the placenta, and scraped the uterus for all remaining placental material. Having placed it into the respective tubs for stem cell harvesting and SG processing, she then placed the infant into the cleansing tub, which. It was quickly sealed and pushed gently onto the conveyor. Within three seconds the conveyor whisked the tub and child away to join the myriad of similar containers headed for the initial screening station.
Eve turned back to Womb 16, withdrew a laser suture and mended the vaginal tear in the labia. [Normally, an episiotomy, which you may want to include as medical jargon, is cut from the posterior vaginal opening backward toward the anus. That part of the anatomy is called the perineum.
I would also suggest that instead of "belly", you use the word "abdomen" since you are writing a fantasy Sci Fi piece with future technology and robotic characters. I don't think they would say, "belly".
Okay, those I think are my most helpful comments for enhancement. Hope you do too. As I said below, your story is creative, bold, and a great read. Best again, RFL
Old Review:
I just love SciFi, and so am engrossed in your story. The story line is creative. As a seasoned editor, I started that process. That is, I copied and pasted your story into a WORD file so that I could provide editorial comments in Review mode, a style to which I have become accustomed. I have gotten about half way through, but have to go now. As a nurse, I am mostly providing comments about suggested words for anatomy and the birth process. If you send me your personal email address, I will finish the edits in the next day or two and send to you as a WORD attachment if you like. I hope, I am not overstepping my bounds on this site by doing this, and hope you want my thoughts. Best to you, RFL
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2018
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Hi Bill,
I am back to give you some more feedback. I don't think my comments in WORD's Review mode would show up here, so I will just cut and paste the first couple of paragraphs with my notes in brackets and see how that goes:
"The extraction of the fully developed fetus [and placenta] from Womb 16 had been completed. Eve cut removed [omit removed] the umbilical cord from the placenta, and scraped the uterus for all remaining placental material. Having placed it into the respective tubs for stem cell harvesting and SG processing, she then placed the infant into the cleansing tub, which. It was quickly sealed and pushed gently onto the conveyor. Within three seconds the conveyor whisked the tub and child away to join the myriad of similar containers headed for the initial screening station.
Eve turned back to Womb 16, withdrew a laser suture and mended the vaginal tear in the labia. [Normally, an episiotomy, which you may want to include as medical jargon, is cut from the posterior vaginal opening backward toward the anus. That part of the anatomy is called the perineum.
I would also suggest that instead of "belly", you use the word "abdomen" since you are writing a fantasy Sci Fi piece with future technology and robotic characters. I don't think they would say, "belly".
Okay, those I think are my most helpful comments for enhancement. Hope you do too. As I said below, your story is creative, bold, and a great read. Best again, RFL
Old Review:
I just love SciFi, and so am engrossed in your story. The story line is creative. As a seasoned editor, I started that process. That is, I copied and pasted your story into a WORD file so that I could provide editorial comments in Review mode, a style to which I have become accustomed. I have gotten about half way through, but have to go now. As a nurse, I am mostly providing comments about suggested words for anatomy and the birth process. If you send me your personal email address, I will finish the edits in the next day or two and send to you as a WORD attachment if you like. I hope, I am not overstepping my bounds on this site by doing this, and hope you want my thoughts. Best to you, RFL
Comment Written 25-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2018
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Once this is reviewed you can update the review and place new data over the old. I would l
just copy and paste the final review and place it here as an update. Thanks.
Comment from phill doran
Hello BIll
This is a cracker. This is where McJobs eventually take us? Actually there's so much here to like - the tip-of-the-hat to Dr Who, Soylent Green and Huxley are noted and enjoyed. North American dialect. (arf!) But all is not lost, in this future we are encouraged into "re-growing fat cells" - and a Nigerian King still spamming after all these years, ah, somethings will never change. The repetition actually works for the story line: the weekend cruise was an anomaly until its suspected non-existence was confirmed as Evan's memory too.
In passing in the opening section "...the cleansing tub. It was quickly sealed..." "it" might be the baby, perhaps "...the cleansing tub, which was quickly sealed..." (And I am clutching at straws in suggesting this as the writing is neat and exact throughout. I assume it is the correct protocol to have effectively a double full-stop after "B.J."?)
Great writing, which kept me engaged and demonstrated clearly that you have a good strong skill which you transfer to the page in an easily accessible manner. I have no idea what stories you will be up against in the contest but although I do wish you well in that event, this piece is excellent regardless.
I wish you well with your future writing: I really enjoyed this.
cheers
phill
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2018
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Hello BIll
This is a cracker. This is where McJobs eventually take us? Actually there's so much here to like - the tip-of-the-hat to Dr Who, Soylent Green and Huxley are noted and enjoyed. North American dialect. (arf!) But all is not lost, in this future we are encouraged into "re-growing fat cells" - and a Nigerian King still spamming after all these years, ah, somethings will never change. The repetition actually works for the story line: the weekend cruise was an anomaly until its suspected non-existence was confirmed as Evan's memory too.
In passing in the opening section "...the cleansing tub. It was quickly sealed..." "it" might be the baby, perhaps "...the cleansing tub, which was quickly sealed..." (And I am clutching at straws in suggesting this as the writing is neat and exact throughout. I assume it is the correct protocol to have effectively a double full-stop after "B.J."?)
Great writing, which kept me engaged and demonstrated clearly that you have a good strong skill which you transfer to the page in an easily accessible manner. I have no idea what stories you will be up against in the contest but although I do wish you well in that event, this piece is excellent regardless.
I wish you well with your future writing: I really enjoyed this.
cheers
phill
Comment Written 23-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2018
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Thank you very much, Phil. I am so happy for your thorough and perceptive review. I am pulling up some past stories from my portfolio to put in an anthology.
Comment from damommy
Quite scary to think that we can be manipulated that way. Imagine taking a mental vacation like that and never leaving the premises. I think it's possible that all this could happen, but I sincerely hope not.
I like that Eve became Evan with just a push of some button.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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Quite scary to think that we can be manipulated that way. Imagine taking a mental vacation like that and never leaving the premises. I think it's possible that all this could happen, but I sincerely hope not.
I like that Eve became Evan with just a push of some button.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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Thanks, da, for giving this a look. I know it?s long and repetitive. Appreciate your sticking with it. Bill
Comment from nomi338
Wow! I am so happy that I have been able to work at jobs that managed to throw me an occasional curve or two. I have had jobs that were pretty much mundane until something out of the ordinary happened. The thing that I learned is that it is best that you learn to keep your calm in the midst of a crisis. If you can do this, you become a prized employee and the one most often called on in the case of a crisis. That you were able to conceive of this complex story and present it so well, shows that you are able to exercise discipline in your story telling. In short, I am very much impressed.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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Wow! I am so happy that I have been able to work at jobs that managed to throw me an occasional curve or two. I have had jobs that were pretty much mundane until something out of the ordinary happened. The thing that I learned is that it is best that you learn to keep your calm in the midst of a crisis. If you can do this, you become a prized employee and the one most often called on in the case of a crisis. That you were able to conceive of this complex story and present it so well, shows that you are able to exercise discipline in your story telling. In short, I am very much impressed.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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Thanks, nomi. There?ll be an elephant world coming next to temper your opinion.
Comment from Van
Wonderfully penned. I wouldn't change it. I found no SPAGs but to be quite honest, I got immersed in the story after the second paragraph and I stopped looking. That's not a note of my laziness, but more a compliment on the captivating quality of the story.
Sadly (on a small personal level) I was a bit disappointed that Eve's replacement on the assembly line wasn't "Adam". The irony, of that flashed through my mind the moment Evan's name zipped across the page as I read the story.
I don't easily get into the futuristic sci-fi-type writing. But, this one is so personal to humanity. The idea of assembly-line births leads to a plethora of ideas. Even the seemingly routine redundancy was an excellent choice to 'leave in' at the time of your author's proofread. It amplifies the larger point.
In your anthology, it would be interesting to see how the assembly-line deaths occur. (ie. at what age, what failings identify the ultimate end of a life etc) After all, in a dystopian society where births are manipulated in assembly-line fashion the other end of the spectrum must certainly be 'manipulated' as well or the population of the planet will spiral out of control to self-destruction.
Well done sir. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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Wonderfully penned. I wouldn't change it. I found no SPAGs but to be quite honest, I got immersed in the story after the second paragraph and I stopped looking. That's not a note of my laziness, but more a compliment on the captivating quality of the story.
Sadly (on a small personal level) I was a bit disappointed that Eve's replacement on the assembly line wasn't "Adam". The irony, of that flashed through my mind the moment Evan's name zipped across the page as I read the story.
I don't easily get into the futuristic sci-fi-type writing. But, this one is so personal to humanity. The idea of assembly-line births leads to a plethora of ideas. Even the seemingly routine redundancy was an excellent choice to 'leave in' at the time of your author's proofread. It amplifies the larger point.
In your anthology, it would be interesting to see how the assembly-line deaths occur. (ie. at what age, what failings identify the ultimate end of a life etc) After all, in a dystopian society where births are manipulated in assembly-line fashion the other end of the spectrum must certainly be 'manipulated' as well or the population of the planet will spiral out of control to self-destruction.
Well done sir. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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In an earlier edit I did have Adam. I vasillated between that name and another female. I settled on Evan as a happy medium.
Comment from Swampfox1
It's a good story, it held my interest but, as my old creative writing teacher would tell me at Nicholls State University - you're leaving too much in your head. Through Dystopian I see that you are writing about an imaginary place. The honeycomb in the picture conveys visions of a bee's nest but you relay visions of a mass production factory where the woman doesn't actually bear the child but somehow is incubated in an external, vagina that is fixated like an oven in a honeycomb type fixture. Wow! What an imagination. By leaving too much in your mind I was referring to wanting to know more information on what is taking place, more details, more minute details. As I see it, which it is only my opinion, this would make an excellent second or third chapter in a book. I say second or third because perhaps additional info could be conveyed to the reader in Chapter One. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day. PS: Wouldn't it be wonderful If human embryos could be manufactured like this but then perhaps bonding would not take place.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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It's a good story, it held my interest but, as my old creative writing teacher would tell me at Nicholls State University - you're leaving too much in your head. Through Dystopian I see that you are writing about an imaginary place. The honeycomb in the picture conveys visions of a bee's nest but you relay visions of a mass production factory where the woman doesn't actually bear the child but somehow is incubated in an external, vagina that is fixated like an oven in a honeycomb type fixture. Wow! What an imagination. By leaving too much in your mind I was referring to wanting to know more information on what is taking place, more details, more minute details. As I see it, which it is only my opinion, this would make an excellent second or third chapter in a book. I say second or third because perhaps additional info could be conveyed to the reader in Chapter One. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day. PS: Wouldn't it be wonderful If human embryos could be manufactured like this but then perhaps bonding would not take place.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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Thanks, SF. At the time this was originally posted, it was for a short piece. I may expand on this and other shorts to mine all the plot items that can make a broader picture.
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you're welcome.
