Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "Maya Moon"Murder Mystery
57 total reviews
Comment from Joy Graham
Wow! What a chapter. I wish my kids would some day be able to say they had tons of money LOL!!! It's great that we can meet rich folks in fiction stories :)
I'm grossed out by the removal of the eyes and how easy you make it seem. I hope the poor guy is dead and that he won't wake up later with no eyes.
"invite Father Brian (down the station)" - "down to the station"
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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Wow! What a chapter. I wish my kids would some day be able to say they had tons of money LOL!!! It's great that we can meet rich folks in fiction stories :)
I'm grossed out by the removal of the eyes and how easy you make it seem. I hope the poor guy is dead and that he won't wake up later with no eyes.
"invite Father Brian (down the station)" - "down to the station"
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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Yes, it is Joy. It's nice to BE a rich person in fiction. LOL.
Thanks so much for your gracious and generous review. Spaggie corrected! Hugs, Bev
Comment from RazberryBullet
Interesting story! I'll have to go back and start at the beginning.
This sounded ominous:..."Are you aware Brian DeShano was a surgical nurse before he became a priest? He dropped from sight when his mother committed suicide. Seems she overdosed when her sexual relationship with a priest was exposed."
Well done!
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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Interesting story! I'll have to go back and start at the beginning.
This sounded ominous:..."Are you aware Brian DeShano was a surgical nurse before he became a priest? He dropped from sight when his mother committed suicide. Seems she overdosed when her sexual relationship with a priest was exposed."
Well done!
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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Thank you for your gracious and encouraging review, RB. I appreciate it! Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Oh, wow. You just keep on driving the suspension higher and higher.
Utterly superb writing, dear Bev. Fantastic dialogue 'tween Derek, Aaron and Matthew.
Then the scene with Fritz Buell! WAH!! Amazing work - this truly seems to be your forte. It's so professional, smooth, flawless. You know I'd give you a six if I could.
I'm in awe.
Av
xd
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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Oh, wow. You just keep on driving the suspension higher and higher.
Utterly superb writing, dear Bev. Fantastic dialogue 'tween Derek, Aaron and Matthew.
Then the scene with Fritz Buell! WAH!! Amazing work - this truly seems to be your forte. It's so professional, smooth, flawless. You know I'd give you a six if I could.
I'm in awe.
Av
xd
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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Hiya, Av. Thank you so much for this really wonderful review. I so appreciate your encouragement and support. You've truly made my day! Hugs, Bev
Comment from Mission Girl
I enjoyed the short piece of this story. I like reading thrillers. To me, I don't really care for descriptions like 'diamond hard' and 'ball-breaker'. I think descriptions like this make the story sound a little like a typical detective novel. As a reader, there are certain authors I avoid just because I don't like these type of descriptions. But if you have readers that are fans of this kind of writing...STICK WITH IT. That could be your edge. Love where the story is going. Can't wait to read more.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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I enjoyed the short piece of this story. I like reading thrillers. To me, I don't really care for descriptions like 'diamond hard' and 'ball-breaker'. I think descriptions like this make the story sound a little like a typical detective novel. As a reader, there are certain authors I avoid just because I don't like these type of descriptions. But if you have readers that are fans of this kind of writing...STICK WITH IT. That could be your edge. Love where the story is going. Can't wait to read more.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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Hi, Mission Girl. You bring up an interesting point. I actually do see this as a 'detective novel', so I'm pleased that it seems authentic in that way. The descriptions are to break up the dialogue and show rather than tell. I don't know about you, but I get that admonition (show, don't tell) a lot from reviewers.
Thanks for reading the chapter, and for offering your great insights. I appreciate the generous review.
Bev
Comment from CR Delport
Quite an interesting read. I have read a few of the previous chapters and see the story is coming along nicely. I could find not obvious errors.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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Quite an interesting read. I have read a few of the previous chapters and see the story is coming along nicely. I could find not obvious errors.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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Hi, CR. Thanks for dropping by to offer your generous review and insights. I appreciate it!
Bev
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
surgergical tools (surgical)
Well written, interesting and a pleasure to read. One small spag. Your storyline is solid and your characters strong~Debbie
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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surgergical tools (surgical)
Well written, interesting and a pleasure to read. One small spag. Your storyline is solid and your characters strong~Debbie
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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Thanks so much, debbie. I have to laugh, I screwed up the correction for a screw up LOL. Appreciate it!
Bev
Comment from juliaSjames
Took me some time to follow the action in the first half of the write, Bev. I think the amount of physical movement, shifting about, distracted me from the conversation. Perhaps it's something to watch in future - or it may just be that I'm tired from reviewing. You be the judge.
The second part was perfect in its gruesome horror.
Excellent glimpse of the killer's OCD personality in the following extract:
"He turned sideways and panicked when he found the tray too low. He ripped off the gloves he was wearing and adjusted it to the proper height. He re-gloved and surveyed the objects he'd assembled."
A few bits of spag:
"to his employee" - "that his employee"
"He ace" - "The ace"?
"Why haven't you closely examined his involvement?" - "Why haven't you examined his involvement more closely?"
"Satisfied there was no further seepage from the empty sockets, he removed the gauze and cauterized the wounds." - A query: Would there be seepage and the need for cauterization if the subject is deceased. Maybe it's worth checking this out.
"gathered the surgery tools" - "gathered the surgical tools"
The guttural voice is a very effective note on which to end the chapter.
Excellent work, Bev.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2013
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Took me some time to follow the action in the first half of the write, Bev. I think the amount of physical movement, shifting about, distracted me from the conversation. Perhaps it's something to watch in future - or it may just be that I'm tired from reviewing. You be the judge.
The second part was perfect in its gruesome horror.
Excellent glimpse of the killer's OCD personality in the following extract:
"He turned sideways and panicked when he found the tray too low. He ripped off the gloves he was wearing and adjusted it to the proper height. He re-gloved and surveyed the objects he'd assembled."
A few bits of spag:
"to his employee" - "that his employee"
"He ace" - "The ace"?
"Why haven't you closely examined his involvement?" - "Why haven't you examined his involvement more closely?"
"Satisfied there was no further seepage from the empty sockets, he removed the gauze and cauterized the wounds." - A query: Would there be seepage and the need for cauterization if the subject is deceased. Maybe it's worth checking this out.
"gathered the surgery tools" - "gathered the surgical tools"
The guttural voice is a very effective note on which to end the chapter.
Excellent work, Bev.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2013
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Hi, JJ. Thank you for this very thorough and generous review. I think your suggestions are great, and appreciate the insight and support. Thanks for stopping by! Warmest regards, Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. Sorry I haven't been following the story recently. Will try to keep up. peace and blessings, julia
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Thanks again, JJ.
Comment from DALLAS01
Wow. There is so much going on here, had to re-read several paragraphs. You have managed to keep the reader on the edge of their seat. Great character depiction between the three men in Derek's office and tasty new revelations.
The ending paragraphs bait the reader to want more.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2013
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Wow. There is so much going on here, had to re-read several paragraphs. You have managed to keep the reader on the edge of their seat. Great character depiction between the three men in Derek's office and tasty new revelations.
The ending paragraphs bait the reader to want more.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2013
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Hi, Dallas. I really appreciate this generous and encouraging review. Thank you for staying with my story. I know I'm a bit slow with the postings, but I've decided to take more time and really work at putting out the best I can. Seems like it worked pretty well with this chapter.
Kindest regards, Bev
Comment from Maustin
"A guttural, disembodied voice assaulted his brain."
Your work continues to flow so very nicely. I must say that your dialogue also continues to be so real and believeable.You continue to define your characters and give them strong voices and actions. Excellent job. The line above really painted a visual for me. Continue on, my friend. Enjoyed. Nice artwork too.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2013
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"A guttural, disembodied voice assaulted his brain."
Your work continues to flow so very nicely. I must say that your dialogue also continues to be so real and believeable.You continue to define your characters and give them strong voices and actions. Excellent job. The line above really painted a visual for me. Continue on, my friend. Enjoyed. Nice artwork too.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2013
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Hi, Miracle. Thank you so much! Your words and generosity mean so much to me. I really appreciate you staying with the story and always being so supportive. Hugs, Bev
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Bev, you are so welcome. Good job, friend.
Hugs and blessings,
Miracle
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Thanks again, Miracle. Love and hugs, Bev
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So very welcome, Bev... ,)
Comment from JM daSilva
Whatever suggestions I'm giving you here are based on mechanics, or they are just comments. I'm using inline editing, you just have to compare my changes to your text and my comments. If you like it, please, let me know.
equivocate? (I know what the word means, but is it in character?)
", as of yet, (cop talk wordiness, right? )
What is motivating this killer? Remove You're asking yourselves. Is he acting out his fantasies? Perhaps. Or is he maybe a sadist who can't get it up without inflicting pain?" (You used question form in the previous sentences and shifted gear. Be consistent. )
He made a quarter-turn with his chair and spoke directly to Fritz Buell's son.
Matthew shifted his position to address Derek. (wordy idiom)
But I am, by nature, a deal maker, (flow interruption comma)
dangerous- ninety per cent (real em dash, I don't know what you use, but in Word it is control -)
"Are you aware Brian DeShano was a surgical nurse at Broome Medical Center in Tucson, (wordy, but dialogue is okay)
Sometime after that, Brian entered (introductory phrase comma)
Finding the tray too low, he panicked, ripped off the gloves and adjusted it to the proper height. (useless phrases)
Satisfied there was no further seepage from the empty sockets, he removed the gauze and cauterized the wounds. (eliminated one he, avoided wordiness)
He transferred the container filled with Fritz Buell's eyeballs to a fireproof safe, gathered the surgery tools and placed them in a sterile bath. (just three connections is okay and you eliminate one he)
The air in the room thickened oppressively as he lifted his victim from the table and laid him on the painter's tarp. (you eliminate the felt, which like see, hear, etc. is a kind of sneaky passive)
Agony drove invisible spikes into his skull, doubling him over. (avoid passive)
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2013
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Whatever suggestions I'm giving you here are based on mechanics, or they are just comments. I'm using inline editing, you just have to compare my changes to your text and my comments. If you like it, please, let me know.
equivocate? (I know what the word means, but is it in character?)
", as of yet, (cop talk wordiness, right? )
What is motivating this killer? Remove You're asking yourselves. Is he acting out his fantasies? Perhaps. Or is he maybe a sadist who can't get it up without inflicting pain?" (You used question form in the previous sentences and shifted gear. Be consistent. )
He made a quarter-turn with his chair and spoke directly to Fritz Buell's son.
Matthew shifted his position to address Derek. (wordy idiom)
But I am, by nature, a deal maker, (flow interruption comma)
dangerous- ninety per cent (real em dash, I don't know what you use, but in Word it is control -)
"Are you aware Brian DeShano was a surgical nurse at Broome Medical Center in Tucson, (wordy, but dialogue is okay)
Sometime after that, Brian entered (introductory phrase comma)
Finding the tray too low, he panicked, ripped off the gloves and adjusted it to the proper height. (useless phrases)
Satisfied there was no further seepage from the empty sockets, he removed the gauze and cauterized the wounds. (eliminated one he, avoided wordiness)
He transferred the container filled with Fritz Buell's eyeballs to a fireproof safe, gathered the surgery tools and placed them in a sterile bath. (just three connections is okay and you eliminate one he)
The air in the room thickened oppressively as he lifted his victim from the table and laid him on the painter's tarp. (you eliminate the felt, which like see, hear, etc. is a kind of sneaky passive)
Agony drove invisible spikes into his skull, doubling him over. (avoid passive)
Comment Written 10-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2013
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Hi, JM
Well, I really do appreciate this thorough review. I agree with most of your corrections, though I think they do tend to make this 'sound' more like Noir writing. I'm not against that, but not sure that is really what I'm after.
Anyway, I did want to offer an explanation in two areas that may make sense. The issue with my character reacting to the tray and his behaviour in that regard is my way of showing that he is a very obsessive/compulsive character. So, I've decided it's worth keeping.
In several cases, you are suggesting an approach that I deliberately avoided in order to get away from run-on sentences. But, having said that, you've made them flow better.
I do have an issue with your final suggestion. Agony drove invisible... A feeling, albeit one written as a noun, would not execute an action.
All-in-all, extremely helpful and very generous of you.
Thanks so much!
Bev
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I like your writing, so Iâ??m merely offering alternatives so you can decide.
I wasnâ??t sure about agony. I was just trying to avoid the dreaded passive voice. Lol.
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Yes, and you have really made me more aware of that passive voice. That alone is a big help. Have a good week! Bev
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You too.
