Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "Maya Moon"Murder Mystery
57 total reviews
Comment from jadapenn
Ah, some tiny light on the subject, it seems. I enjoyed this chapter but once again, you have thrown in a few paragraphs to make your reader sit back and ponder. I still say Father Brian. He has all the ingredients of fooling the law. Lol. Well written, friend. I loved the read. Luv jada
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Ah, some tiny light on the subject, it seems. I enjoyed this chapter but once again, you have thrown in a few paragraphs to make your reader sit back and ponder. I still say Father Brian. He has all the ingredients of fooling the law. Lol. Well written, friend. I loved the read. Luv jada
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much, Jada. I really appreciate you going back to read the chapter - it's always good to get your unique insights.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Tina55
You bring out the emotions of your characters very well, Bev.
Here: He slumped sideways against Derek's desk and vigorously rubbed his right arm for warmth. (I'd almost consider taking out 'vigorously' because when I read it, inserting an adjective slows down the moment. The guys would just rub his arm in that moment without thinking about it. Know what I mean?)
I'm also thinking the sheriff would just say 'FBI' instead of Federal Bureau of Investigation. It doesn't sound as conversational that way. :) Just my thoughts, Bev...toss 'em if they suck. :)
Ooo, I like this line: "Spoken like a politician, Sheriff Oleson."
Aaron is hard core! :)
You could shorten this up:
Matthew shifted his position in order to address Derek. (Matthew shifted his position to address Derek.)
Oooh, a checkmate smile. Love it!
Oh, and I like how Matthew is ready to take this to the media. Very cool turn, Bev.
Lots of extra work for the police!
Great background dirt on Brian DeShano. Movie worthy.
Instead, he cleared his mind of emotion and chewed on what he'd just heard(.)
I like the OCD nuances of your wierdo bad guy in the second section.
Okay, EEWWWW, eyeball disection! Really? Nice, gruesome touch, and done so matter-of-factly.
:)
A-ha! the local landfill... Dean Koontz brings it all down to the landfill in his Frankenstein series. An odd, but worthwhile read. :)
Ahhhh, clever gal you are with the inner evil voice. Dude needs a time out!
Great, great movement in this post, Bev. Way to keep me hopping. :)
Love it!
Tina
:)
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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You bring out the emotions of your characters very well, Bev.
Here: He slumped sideways against Derek's desk and vigorously rubbed his right arm for warmth. (I'd almost consider taking out 'vigorously' because when I read it, inserting an adjective slows down the moment. The guys would just rub his arm in that moment without thinking about it. Know what I mean?)
I'm also thinking the sheriff would just say 'FBI' instead of Federal Bureau of Investigation. It doesn't sound as conversational that way. :) Just my thoughts, Bev...toss 'em if they suck. :)
Ooo, I like this line: "Spoken like a politician, Sheriff Oleson."
Aaron is hard core! :)
You could shorten this up:
Matthew shifted his position in order to address Derek. (Matthew shifted his position to address Derek.)
Oooh, a checkmate smile. Love it!
Oh, and I like how Matthew is ready to take this to the media. Very cool turn, Bev.
Lots of extra work for the police!
Great background dirt on Brian DeShano. Movie worthy.
Instead, he cleared his mind of emotion and chewed on what he'd just heard(.)
I like the OCD nuances of your wierdo bad guy in the second section.
Okay, EEWWWW, eyeball disection! Really? Nice, gruesome touch, and done so matter-of-factly.
:)
A-ha! the local landfill... Dean Koontz brings it all down to the landfill in his Frankenstein series. An odd, but worthwhile read. :)
Ahhhh, clever gal you are with the inner evil voice. Dude needs a time out!
Great, great movement in this post, Bev. Way to keep me hopping. :)
Love it!
Tina
:)
Comment Written 13-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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Hi, Tina. So good to hear from and get your very helpful and encouraging insights. I like all the changes you suggested and appreciate how much time you took to go over the chapter. I've steered away from gruesome for a reason. Most serials become more vicious as they continue to get away with their crimes.
Thanks so much for your awesome and generous review, Tina. A very happy Valentine's Day to you my lovely friend.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Macsween
I like it. This is the first part I have read and I will read more.
The story is well written with good pace and I found the part with the eyeballs particularly disturbing.
I'm looking forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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I like it. This is the first part I have read and I will read more.
The story is well written with good pace and I found the part with the eyeballs particularly disturbing.
I'm looking forward to reading more.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate your gracious review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Cliff Ashpaugh
Hi Writingfundimension. This is good, solid writing. Excellent seat of your pants tension throughout. I can't even reach for a suggestion. Good job and keep it up. Cliff
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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Hi Writingfundimension. This is good, solid writing. Excellent seat of your pants tension throughout. I can't even reach for a suggestion. Good job and keep it up. Cliff
Comment Written 13-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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Hi, Cliff., Thank you much for your gracious and very generous review. I really appreciate it! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from muezza56
a very well written story. i enjoyed the build up, then the sudden realisation that this was a story about a psychotic serial killer, motivated by voice commands in his head, the thing the reader has to decide, at this stage as to whether the voices are real or not
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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a very well written story. i enjoyed the build up, then the sudden realisation that this was a story about a psychotic serial killer, motivated by voice commands in his head, the thing the reader has to decide, at this stage as to whether the voices are real or not
Comment Written 12-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Thank you much for taking time to read my chapter, muezza. I appreciate your insights and generous review! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Neelam Sangwai
My God! breathtaking. So keen observations and pictorial quality, a tremendous holding capacity.. its awesome! I'll go through the previous chapters. But this one is worth reading.!- Neelam
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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My God! breathtaking. So keen observations and pictorial quality, a tremendous holding capacity.. its awesome! I'll go through the previous chapters. But this one is worth reading.!- Neelam
Comment Written 12-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Thank you so much, Neelam. I really appreciate you taking time out to read my chapter and your gracous review. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Supe
That is a top of the line read. I can hardly wait for more. I couldn't find so much as a comma out of place. Your characters are real and your dialogue keeps the story moving. I wish I hadn't read it before breakfast. lol, the eye ball episode. Very descriptive. As I can see, you are already accomplished in your field. Really good job.
ps....I don't have this vivid imagination.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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That is a top of the line read. I can hardly wait for more. I couldn't find so much as a comma out of place. Your characters are real and your dialogue keeps the story moving. I wish I hadn't read it before breakfast. lol, the eye ball episode. Very descriptive. As I can see, you are already accomplished in your field. Really good job.
ps....I don't have this vivid imagination.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Supe, thank you very much for choosing to read my chapter. There's so much to read on this site, so I really appreciate that. And thank you much for your gracious and very generous review. I'm glad you found my write interesting. Your encouragement is very touching! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Bobby Jo
I'm not really into this kind of writing, but you did a good job at description. I feel that you also kept the reader on his toes. I feel you have a good story plot. I would suggest that you keep to the story, and not get to caught up in the drama of the Scalpel part. You could be the next Steven King.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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I'm not really into this kind of writing, but you did a good job at description. I feel that you also kept the reader on his toes. I feel you have a good story plot. I would suggest that you keep to the story, and not get to caught up in the drama of the Scalpel part. You could be the next Steven King.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Thank you, Bobby Jo. I appreciate the review.
Comment from pbroussard209
Awesome chapter. Your dialog was realistic and plot seems very interesting. I loved the part were the tray was too short. It added just the right amount of humor to a very grizzly scene. Great job.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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Awesome chapter. Your dialog was realistic and plot seems very interesting. I loved the part were the tray was too short. It added just the right amount of humor to a very grizzly scene. Great job.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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Hi, P. Thank you so much for this gracious and very generous review. I appreciate the encouragement! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from judelesemann
A great story line. Your characters are real and dynamic. The story moves quickly with good dramatization. I will go back and read some more of the chapters. Well done. Be blessed, Jude
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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A great story line. Your characters are real and dynamic. The story moves quickly with good dramatization. I will go back and read some more of the chapters. Well done. Be blessed, Jude
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2013
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Hello, J. I'm so pleased you stopped by to read my chapter. Thank you for interest and your gracious review. Warmest regards, Bev
