Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Kahije Moon"Murder Mystery
43 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
So, did Hank find a piece of Fritz? This is a great ending. We know Fritz is taken in the first of the write. Nice way to wrap it around.
Nice tension between Jana and Derek. This could be interesting as it builds. They try to remain professional with this underlying current pulling them together sexually.
In the beginning you called the car Jana was in 'his' car. Later Derek called it 'your' car, meaning hers. Whose car was she in.
Also you use 'heart' or some form of it several times. Maybe, find another word for a couple of those. Cardiac arrest might work for the heart attack. Then 'heart' could be reserved for 'love' references.
Added mystery fills this chapter. Knowing Jana's uncle killed himself after being molested was a jolt. Also, the possibility of a body being dumped on the reservation brings this killer into tribal territory. Do I sense more involvement of the elders?
Nicely done, Bev. :)
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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So, did Hank find a piece of Fritz? This is a great ending. We know Fritz is taken in the first of the write. Nice way to wrap it around.
Nice tension between Jana and Derek. This could be interesting as it builds. They try to remain professional with this underlying current pulling them together sexually.
In the beginning you called the car Jana was in 'his' car. Later Derek called it 'your' car, meaning hers. Whose car was she in.
Also you use 'heart' or some form of it several times. Maybe, find another word for a couple of those. Cardiac arrest might work for the heart attack. Then 'heart' could be reserved for 'love' references.
Added mystery fills this chapter. Knowing Jana's uncle killed himself after being molested was a jolt. Also, the possibility of a body being dumped on the reservation brings this killer into tribal territory. Do I sense more involvement of the elders?
Nicely done, Bev. :)
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Thanks so much, Ellen. I really appreciate all the time you devoted to this review. And your helpful insights have helped me to tighten the writing further. The elders will return, but not right away. And, I'm glad readers, like you, have found the attraction between Derek and Jana and asset to the story. Again, thanks for your support and extreme generosity! Hugs, Bev
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A little romance never hurts. It contrasts with the core story and shows that these characters have a life outside of crime-solving. It makes them flesh and blood.
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I agree :0)
Comment from PoeticXscape
This kept me on the edge of my seat. Some great moments that are expressed well in the writing. Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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This kept me on the edge of my seat. Some great moments that are expressed well in the writing. Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Thank you for checking out my chapter, PoeticX. I really appreciate the support and encouragement! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from jjstar
Hey there,
Another great chapter. I loved that you included some of the Native American culture/beliefs, the thoughts of Rick about Jana.
I don't know exactly what the rule is about quick POV switches, but I had to go back and reread in a couple of places to be sure I knew who was talking. Sometimes it's frowned upon, especially if it's distracting. I think maybe yours were a little just from the Jana to Derek to Rick. The transition from the meeting to Hank was seemless.
Personally, I like other characters' input and POVs, especially in a whodunit type of story. I read somewhere that "you can head hop as much as you want as long as you know whose head you're in." Others say, don't do it...I know of one highly regarded reviewer who is firmly against it.
So, that said, I think it was superb, as usual.:)
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Hey there,
Another great chapter. I loved that you included some of the Native American culture/beliefs, the thoughts of Rick about Jana.
I don't know exactly what the rule is about quick POV switches, but I had to go back and reread in a couple of places to be sure I knew who was talking. Sometimes it's frowned upon, especially if it's distracting. I think maybe yours were a little just from the Jana to Derek to Rick. The transition from the meeting to Hank was seemless.
Personally, I like other characters' input and POVs, especially in a whodunit type of story. I read somewhere that "you can head hop as much as you want as long as you know whose head you're in." Others say, don't do it...I know of one highly regarded reviewer who is firmly against it.
So, that said, I think it was superb, as usual.:)
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Hi, JJ. I have had the POV mentioned by other reviewers so I'm pretty sure I won't make THAT mistake again LOL. I tend to write like I talk, unfortunately. Thanks so much for taking time to read, jj. I do so much appreciate your encouragement and support. Hugs, Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is a good addition to your previous posts. I enjoyed reading and like Jana. She's a good character and it's enjoyable to watch her grow.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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This is a good addition to your previous posts. I enjoyed reading and like Jana. She's a good character and it's enjoyable to watch her grow.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Thank you much, barbara. I like Jana as well. :0) Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
"How can I approach this without offending someone!?" I don't know how I feel about the double punctuation. I've never seen it, or at least never noticed it, anywhere else but on site, here. My gut instinct tells me if the sentence is strong enough the reader will interpret it as it was written. Just my opinion, of course.
"With each step, her boots split apart the shallow pools of standing water, morroring the strong divides burning within her soul." Nice metaphor, girl!
"He crossed his arms to keep from reaching for her." That's a POV switch. You're telling the story from Jana's viewpoint and she couldn't know that he crossed his arms to keep from reaching for her. She might hope and suspect, but she couldn't know it.
I like the exploration of sensual feelings between Jana and the Sheriff. More! LOL!
"He stopped just before the entrance, forcing her to slow in response. Studying her face, he took a moment to let the perfect symmetry of her features soothe the dull ache in his chest." This paragraph is obviously from his point of view. You need to go over this chapter and decide whose POV you want to feature. Make whatever changes are necessary to see all the scenes through that character's eyes, ears, and other senses. This character feels, sees and reports.
When you decide to change to the other, leave a couple of lines in the format so the reader understands that the camera now resides in another character's head. POV is not always an easy concept to handle. I still get it messed up, too. It's easier for me to spot it in another's writing than my own.
"Inside the station, Rich Morales did not approve of the scene he was observing." Again, you're now seeing things through Rick's head. Leave three lines here before this paragraph to let the reader know the scene has changed and now Rick becomes the filter through which the scene is seen and told.
"That hothead is going to get himself in a shit load of trouble if he doesn't rein his lust." Ron thought. Again, now you're in Ron's head. None of these observations are essential to the plot. I'd leave them out, or expand on it in an obvious change of POV scene.
The scene with Hank was masterfully written. Good tension building. Short, gripping descriptions. You led me easily from one emotion, one concern to the next. I was horrified at what was in the box. Good writing in this scene, girl.
Next!
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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"How can I approach this without offending someone!?" I don't know how I feel about the double punctuation. I've never seen it, or at least never noticed it, anywhere else but on site, here. My gut instinct tells me if the sentence is strong enough the reader will interpret it as it was written. Just my opinion, of course.
"With each step, her boots split apart the shallow pools of standing water, morroring the strong divides burning within her soul." Nice metaphor, girl!
"He crossed his arms to keep from reaching for her." That's a POV switch. You're telling the story from Jana's viewpoint and she couldn't know that he crossed his arms to keep from reaching for her. She might hope and suspect, but she couldn't know it.
I like the exploration of sensual feelings between Jana and the Sheriff. More! LOL!
"He stopped just before the entrance, forcing her to slow in response. Studying her face, he took a moment to let the perfect symmetry of her features soothe the dull ache in his chest." This paragraph is obviously from his point of view. You need to go over this chapter and decide whose POV you want to feature. Make whatever changes are necessary to see all the scenes through that character's eyes, ears, and other senses. This character feels, sees and reports.
When you decide to change to the other, leave a couple of lines in the format so the reader understands that the camera now resides in another character's head. POV is not always an easy concept to handle. I still get it messed up, too. It's easier for me to spot it in another's writing than my own.
"Inside the station, Rich Morales did not approve of the scene he was observing." Again, you're now seeing things through Rick's head. Leave three lines here before this paragraph to let the reader know the scene has changed and now Rick becomes the filter through which the scene is seen and told.
"That hothead is going to get himself in a shit load of trouble if he doesn't rein his lust." Ron thought. Again, now you're in Ron's head. None of these observations are essential to the plot. I'd leave them out, or expand on it in an obvious change of POV scene.
The scene with Hank was masterfully written. Good tension building. Short, gripping descriptions. You led me easily from one emotion, one concern to the next. I was horrified at what was in the box. Good writing in this scene, girl.
Next!
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Thanks so much for the helpful review, Adrienne. I really appreciate all the time you took to offer your suggestions. Always good to get your input. Bev
Comment from leftstorywriter
Good writing. I haven't read the other chapters but even coming into the book at Chapter 28 I have a good idea of what has been going on.
Equally praiseworthy is the fact that the characters are immediately interesting. No introductions required, apparently! The connection between Derek and Jana comes through clearly. Well Done! That's quite a feat you've managed there.
Minor issue: The transition from "Jana saw that Sheriff Oleson had arrived and exited his vehicle. To her surprise, he waited for her beside the bumper of his car." to "A fitful rain was absorbed by the heavy cloth of her uniform. With each step, her boots split apart the shallow pools of standing water, mirroring the strong divides burning within her soul." seems to be missing something. It comes as a bit of a surprise that Jana has already stepped out of the car.
Thanks. I enjoyed reading this chapter.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Good writing. I haven't read the other chapters but even coming into the book at Chapter 28 I have a good idea of what has been going on.
Equally praiseworthy is the fact that the characters are immediately interesting. No introductions required, apparently! The connection between Derek and Jana comes through clearly. Well Done! That's quite a feat you've managed there.
Minor issue: The transition from "Jana saw that Sheriff Oleson had arrived and exited his vehicle. To her surprise, he waited for her beside the bumper of his car." to "A fitful rain was absorbed by the heavy cloth of her uniform. With each step, her boots split apart the shallow pools of standing water, mirroring the strong divides burning within her soul." seems to be missing something. It comes as a bit of a surprise that Jana has already stepped out of the car.
Thanks. I enjoyed reading this chapter.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Thank you, leftstorywriter. You make an excellent point. Easily fixed. Thanks for that and the generous review. Much appreciated! Bev
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where the killer is chopping off pieces of his latest victim and putting it in the church
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where the killer is chopping off pieces of his latest victim and putting it in the church
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Hi, sweet. Thank you so much for taking time to read and for your generous review. I really appreciate it. Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
A fitful rain was absorbed by the heavy cloth of her uniform. With each step, her boots split apart the shallow pools of standing water, mirroring the strong divides burning within her soul. - Great image, Bev.
I did notice, in this post, we hop POV's a lot. I'm not sure if that's intentional or not. We start off in Jana's, then skip to Derek then later to Rick's and Ron's. It all works fine, by the way - but I thought I should point it out just in case. :)
I adore the interaction between Jana and Derek. The connection between them is expertly handled, my lady.
And our Rick is jealous, methinks!
The way you're setting up this story is quite remarkable. The attention to detail is fantastic. I'm in awe.
That entire scene with Hank? Superb. Ugh - what a thing to find, and what a hook to leave us with.
Brilliant writing, my friend. I wish I had a six for you, but you're still rationed.
Love Av
xx
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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A fitful rain was absorbed by the heavy cloth of her uniform. With each step, her boots split apart the shallow pools of standing water, mirroring the strong divides burning within her soul. - Great image, Bev.
I did notice, in this post, we hop POV's a lot. I'm not sure if that's intentional or not. We start off in Jana's, then skip to Derek then later to Rick's and Ron's. It all works fine, by the way - but I thought I should point it out just in case. :)
I adore the interaction between Jana and Derek. The connection between them is expertly handled, my lady.
And our Rick is jealous, methinks!
The way you're setting up this story is quite remarkable. The attention to detail is fantastic. I'm in awe.
That entire scene with Hank? Superb. Ugh - what a thing to find, and what a hook to leave us with.
Brilliant writing, my friend. I wish I had a six for you, but you're still rationed.
Love Av
xx
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Hi, Av. Thank you so much for this wonderfully helpful review. Yeah, I am still trying to get a good handle on that POV business. So, I'm very glad that you pointed it out. You know that I value your input. And a virtual six on top of that? Got me smiling, my dear friend. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Writingfundimension
Whew, the tension you've built in this one is scary. This killer is a real threat to a lot more than just the community, he's a threat to the police as well - and throwing in the rookies detective who feels jealous of the Sheriff and fancies the young lady adds the prospect of vital information being overlooked, ignored, destroyed or lost through his idiocy ...
Well worth a sixer.
Patrick
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Hi Writingfundimension
Whew, the tension you've built in this one is scary. This killer is a real threat to a lot more than just the community, he's a threat to the police as well - and throwing in the rookies detective who feels jealous of the Sheriff and fancies the young lady adds the prospect of vital information being overlooked, ignored, destroyed or lost through his idiocy ...
Well worth a sixer.
Patrick
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Patrick, I'm thrilled and honored by your insights into this chapter. I really appreciate your sticking with the story and you very generous six -- meanas so much to me. Wamest regards, Bev
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh Bev, this is fantastic! Talk about suspense! Intrigue! Human interaction, the touch of romance, everything about this chapter is riveting - the dialogue, your descriptive narrative - I love the whole story, but this chapter is fabulous! Every detail, like her boots splitting apart the water mirroring the divides in her soul, is splendid crafting, weaving of a magnificent tale where everything ties into everything else. Simply brilliant!
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Oh Bev, this is fantastic! Talk about suspense! Intrigue! Human interaction, the touch of romance, everything about this chapter is riveting - the dialogue, your descriptive narrative - I love the whole story, but this chapter is fabulous! Every detail, like her boots splitting apart the water mirroring the divides in her soul, is splendid crafting, weaving of a magnificent tale where everything ties into everything else. Simply brilliant!
Comment Written 06-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2013
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Dawn, you have probably just made my month with this review! Thank you so much for your extremely helpful insights and encouragement. Your six is absolute icing on the cake, my friend. Hugs, Bev
