Persistent
Creepy admirer.30 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
This is a very creepy story. He is obsessed and she has ever reason to want him out of her life. I was waiting for him to slit her throat for rejecting him. Thankfully that didn't happen yet, but with someone so out of control with his actions and emotions it is likely it would happen eventually.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2023
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This is a very creepy story. He is obsessed and she has ever reason to want him out of her life. I was waiting for him to slit her throat for rejecting him. Thankfully that didn't happen yet, but with someone so out of control with his actions and emotions it is likely it would happen eventually.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2023
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Slitting her throat would have ended his hold on her. He ain't ever letting go. Thank you for this awesome review. Gretchen
Comment from BethShelby
This is a very creepy story. He is obsessed and she has ever reason to want him out of her life. I was waiting for him to slit her throat for rejecting him. Thankfully that didn't happen yet, but with someone so out of control with his actions and emotions it is likely it would happen eventually.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2023
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This is a very creepy story. He is obsessed and she has ever reason to want him out of her life. I was waiting for him to slit her throat for rejecting him. Thankfully that didn't happen yet, but with someone so out of control with his actions and emotions it is likely it would happen eventually.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2023
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This posted on my wall twice. So, thank you again. Lol. Gretchen
Comment from Rondeno
Oh, wow. Let me say straight off, the narrative and the dialogue - the technical stuff - that's all professional standard. Now, the ending ... I'm not sure if he's really a demented weirdo, or if he's actually nice guy. Has she surrendered to him? Did he get there first and erase the calls? Or is it Krista who has the problem, and imagined the stalking? Know what I think? I think you constructed it meticulously, so that I (and all the other readers) would wonder which of the above applies. It's awesome.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2012
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Oh, wow. Let me say straight off, the narrative and the dialogue - the technical stuff - that's all professional standard. Now, the ending ... I'm not sure if he's really a demented weirdo, or if he's actually nice guy. Has she surrendered to him? Did he get there first and erase the calls? Or is it Krista who has the problem, and imagined the stalking? Know what I think? I think you constructed it meticulously, so that I (and all the other readers) would wonder which of the above applies. It's awesome.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2012
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Few people really liked this one. It was an old story that I wrote a couple of years ago. I liked it, but I can see some flaws in it. Thanks for the great review and nice comments.
Comment from MelReyn
"... hand(-) carved bowl..."
OH NO! My spidey senses are tingling. He just walked away? No fuss? I am thinking that some serious violence is going to happen later.
"...dance for," Oops, Floor
This has a different feel from your other works, but I very much enjoyed it! You left us wondering what would happen, though I assume it is not a happy ending for Krista.
I was there, closely following what was going on. If this would have been a show, I would have been yelling at the tv, "Look out girl! That Parker is trouble!"
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2012
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"... hand(-) carved bowl..."
OH NO! My spidey senses are tingling. He just walked away? No fuss? I am thinking that some serious violence is going to happen later.
"...dance for," Oops, Floor
This has a different feel from your other works, but I very much enjoyed it! You left us wondering what would happen, though I assume it is not a happy ending for Krista.
I was there, closely following what was going on. If this would have been a show, I would have been yelling at the tv, "Look out girl! That Parker is trouble!"
Comment Written 11-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2012
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Thanks for the nice feedback. I just don't know if too much t.v. or what but I'm just in a rut and can't get anything going in my creative side. Anyway, you're fun and supportive review helped. Thanks. I'll take care of those spags.
Comment from Just Alyx
It would be nice to say I got right into this, but can't unfortunately. It doesn't read as a complete story yet, only the premise for one. Nothing wrong with the writing or chosen style, but the plotline, turn and conclusion were lacking. I didn't feel invested in any of the characters either because there was little real development of anyone apart from his predictable dog-and-bone persistence. I think it tries to run on fear alone and doesn't make it, sorry.
It began on her instinctive awareness and didn't develop too much from there except to gradually confirm her fears. Her friends were ordinary in that they were so unimaginative, and I think this writing from a while back no longer reflects the caution of most modern day friends unless they're all bimbo types where the male attention is everything at all costs. They didn't come across that way to me.
The tension also suffered because she had no-one batting for her (adding maybe a complication/conflict of interests that they can't help, to add depth). It really needs more background noise/events to add that extra dimension of life to it. The protagonist didn't surmount anything, only met it full frontal, and then it ended. I can't suggest what to do with this story apart from the obvious of needing to build on those things and I'm sure it could be.
There were a few typos and I have a couple of creative offers if you like:
She checked the fourth, fifth and sixth messages. All Parker. Each one sounding a little more desperate and demanding --- I think "all Parker" would work much better, like this, as a fragment to support the second one in thought/action. Otherwise a semi and statement qualifiers are needed, "all came from" or similar.
Krista glanced and saw him [... where?]. He was standing still, staring at her --- not a biggie, but a sense of placement would've been good here for extra menace: was he way across the room or still relatively close by?
She wasn't sure if she should be (pissed or angry) - same thing, so not sure what you were going for??
Krista, honey, it's [Mom] --- she's using her proper title.
Twelve messages on her home machine. All from crazy Parker. "...can't (Wait) until I get to see...call later." --- was this intended as all capitals for emphasis??
All it took was one angry sweep of her hand to clear the desk top of all her papers. "Damn it!" (Krista swore) --- we know it's her and that she cursed.
True to their word ... She was so drunk she hit the dance (for), still clutching her rum and coke --- I think you were after "floor", plus no comma pause after it for the complete sentence/thought.
Then let me explain it ... like a cute little puppy in a pet store [window]
Both of her friends reluctantly agreed. She took the (hide a key) out and unlocked the door --- awkward, and hyphens are needed. 'hidden' instead??
"I'll call in the ... She pulled the door closed (behind her) as (she and Sasha) left --- 'they' for fewer pronouns in the sentence, and "behind her" isn't needed??
"Alone at last," (he sighed) --- action, not a tag.
Like I said, I enjoyed the style, so maybe you'll flesh it out a little. Alyx.
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reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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It would be nice to say I got right into this, but can't unfortunately. It doesn't read as a complete story yet, only the premise for one. Nothing wrong with the writing or chosen style, but the plotline, turn and conclusion were lacking. I didn't feel invested in any of the characters either because there was little real development of anyone apart from his predictable dog-and-bone persistence. I think it tries to run on fear alone and doesn't make it, sorry.
It began on her instinctive awareness and didn't develop too much from there except to gradually confirm her fears. Her friends were ordinary in that they were so unimaginative, and I think this writing from a while back no longer reflects the caution of most modern day friends unless they're all bimbo types where the male attention is everything at all costs. They didn't come across that way to me.
The tension also suffered because she had no-one batting for her (adding maybe a complication/conflict of interests that they can't help, to add depth). It really needs more background noise/events to add that extra dimension of life to it. The protagonist didn't surmount anything, only met it full frontal, and then it ended. I can't suggest what to do with this story apart from the obvious of needing to build on those things and I'm sure it could be.
There were a few typos and I have a couple of creative offers if you like:
She checked the fourth, fifth and sixth messages. All Parker. Each one sounding a little more desperate and demanding --- I think "all Parker" would work much better, like this, as a fragment to support the second one in thought/action. Otherwise a semi and statement qualifiers are needed, "all came from" or similar.
Krista glanced and saw him [... where?]. He was standing still, staring at her --- not a biggie, but a sense of placement would've been good here for extra menace: was he way across the room or still relatively close by?
She wasn't sure if she should be (pissed or angry) - same thing, so not sure what you were going for??
Krista, honey, it's [Mom] --- she's using her proper title.
Twelve messages on her home machine. All from crazy Parker. "...can't (Wait) until I get to see...call later." --- was this intended as all capitals for emphasis??
All it took was one angry sweep of her hand to clear the desk top of all her papers. "Damn it!" (Krista swore) --- we know it's her and that she cursed.
True to their word ... She was so drunk she hit the dance (for), still clutching her rum and coke --- I think you were after "floor", plus no comma pause after it for the complete sentence/thought.
Then let me explain it ... like a cute little puppy in a pet store [window]
Both of her friends reluctantly agreed. She took the (hide a key) out and unlocked the door --- awkward, and hyphens are needed. 'hidden' instead??
"I'll call in the ... She pulled the door closed (behind her) as (she and Sasha) left --- 'they' for fewer pronouns in the sentence, and "behind her" isn't needed??
"Alone at last," (he sighed) --- action, not a tag.
Like I said, I enjoyed the style, so maybe you'll flesh it out a little. Alyx.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Thank you so much for the help. Like I stated, it was an old story. I will try to rework it at a later date, But I just know there is something there and needed to hear from others that it would be worth the effort. So thank you for your in depth review and critique. I really appreciate it.
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Persistence with some things can be a *healthy* thing, unlike Parker. Good to hear and you're always welcome. Cheers.
Comment from EMB
LOL Twenty-seven messages? I think that was the time to call the police, just to give them the heads up that she will be calling them back. At any rate, this story is not finished, but I must also admit that I found her friends to be of the B-movie variety. You know, the kind of airheads they seem to rustle up for the cheesy horror flicks where there's one intelligent character who seems to have idiots as friends.
Of course, I use "intelligent character" lightly because these B-movie characters NEVER seem to get people to believe them. Moreover, the lesser ones start questioning "how they must sound." I wouldn't give a damn how I sounded. My friends better listen! LOL (I can even see myself slapping somebody, just to get my "seriousness" across.)
So yeah, finish this, will you? :)
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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LOL Twenty-seven messages? I think that was the time to call the police, just to give them the heads up that she will be calling them back. At any rate, this story is not finished, but I must also admit that I found her friends to be of the B-movie variety. You know, the kind of airheads they seem to rustle up for the cheesy horror flicks where there's one intelligent character who seems to have idiots as friends.
Of course, I use "intelligent character" lightly because these B-movie characters NEVER seem to get people to believe them. Moreover, the lesser ones start questioning "how they must sound." I wouldn't give a damn how I sounded. My friends better listen! LOL (I can even see myself slapping somebody, just to get my "seriousness" across.)
So yeah, finish this, will you? :)
Comment Written 10-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Some how I can see you slapping somebody to get their attention, too. Thanks for the review and critique. I knew it was lacking and my previous writing group was just a bunch of head nodders. Thanks for taking so much time to critique this. I will, later, go back and see if I can do it justice. Thanks again. Also, got the spags that you forwarded to me.
Comment from Misrael
I think that I would freak out too if that happened to me. It reminds me of something that happened to me years ago while I was in college. It was a good story even if somewhat creepy. Good read and keep on writing.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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I think that I would freak out too if that happened to me. It reminds me of something that happened to me years ago while I was in college. It was a good story even if somewhat creepy. Good read and keep on writing.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Thanks for the great review and the personal connection. It has never happened to me and I can't say I'm sorry. Don't like dealing with those 'persistent' types.
Comment from alexisleech
Oh my God! I so want to be able to give this a six and the damned machine won't let me! Honestly, this was absolutely brilliant. the tension mounted with every word, and you could actually feel the pressure it put her through every step of the way. Such a sixer!
Alexis x
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Oh my God! I so want to be able to give this a six and the damned machine won't let me! Honestly, this was absolutely brilliant. the tension mounted with every word, and you could actually feel the pressure it put her through every step of the way. Such a sixer!
Alexis x
Comment Written 09-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Thank you very much. You so far are the only one who liked this. I know it needs work, but thanks for boosting my comfidence.
Comment from Charmane
Persistence is necessary to claim, stand your ground, and to satisfy a quest for success. A persistent person usually succeds in accomplishing a goal. Parker surged forward.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Persistence is necessary to claim, stand your ground, and to satisfy a quest for success. A persistent person usually succeds in accomplishing a goal. Parker surged forward.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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He was a creep in a major way, that's for sure. Thank you for the great review and nice comments.
Comment from JennaG
I really enjoyed your story. Definitely very creepy! It kept my attention from start to finish. Truthfully, I couldn't tear my eyes away until I knew how it ended. I found myself so frightened for Krista and so frustrated with her friends because they just wouldn't believe her. Your skillful writing kept me very engrossed in the story and I enjoyed every minute of reading it. Great work! Thanks for sharing. :)
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reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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I really enjoyed your story. Definitely very creepy! It kept my attention from start to finish. Truthfully, I couldn't tear my eyes away until I knew how it ended. I found myself so frightened for Krista and so frustrated with her friends because they just wouldn't believe her. Your skillful writing kept me very engrossed in the story and I enjoyed every minute of reading it. Great work! Thanks for sharing. :)
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Thank you for the nice comments and generous rating. I really appreciate it.
