Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Aze Moon"Murder Mystery
39 total reviews
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Bev,
Hmm, I think I now know who the murderer is ... the sound you now hear is my hobnailed boots leaping to conclusions ...
Nicely held on the tension, very nice touch the 'psychic threat' making itself felt across the phone line.
Good hook at the end there.
Patrick
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2012
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Hi Bev,
Hmm, I think I now know who the murderer is ... the sound you now hear is my hobnailed boots leaping to conclusions ...
Nicely held on the tension, very nice touch the 'psychic threat' making itself felt across the phone line.
Good hook at the end there.
Patrick
Comment Written 12-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2012
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Thank you, Patrick. Glad you're on top of this! I'm getting some nudges to wrap this up. But, hey, it's my story and I've got some more to tell. Thank you for being kind enough to review and support the write. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Shirley McLain
What a strange turn at the end. I wasn't expecting that at all. Great chapter and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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What a strange turn at the end. I wasn't expecting that at all. Great chapter and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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Thanks so much, Okiegal. I really appreciate you stopping by to read and so generously review! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from DALLAS01
Like the way you reference back to what has preceded this chapter.
Oh?"
"This may seem presumptuous of me, but I need a special favor."
"Can't make any promises. I'm hip-deep in files from an old investigation that may be linked to Mrs. Padget's murder."
"I understand. And I wouldn't be asking this if it weren't a delicate matter - one that requires patience and tact."
She rose and peered over the top of the partition. Her squeaking chair was likely audible at the other end of the line, but she desperately hoped someone else was available to take the call.
The bullpen was empty except for a patrolman focused on his laptop.
Shit.
Bit confused by her reluctance to talk with the priest based on your opening. I thought that would make her anxious to interview him.
Moving right along. Lots of mystery and anticipation leading into your next chapter.
One other little quirk:
made his way to her side. How about knelt at her tombstone?
Just a thought since she isn't standing there in reality?
Everything continues to move at a great pace.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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Like the way you reference back to what has preceded this chapter.
Oh?"
"This may seem presumptuous of me, but I need a special favor."
"Can't make any promises. I'm hip-deep in files from an old investigation that may be linked to Mrs. Padget's murder."
"I understand. And I wouldn't be asking this if it weren't a delicate matter - one that requires patience and tact."
She rose and peered over the top of the partition. Her squeaking chair was likely audible at the other end of the line, but she desperately hoped someone else was available to take the call.
The bullpen was empty except for a patrolman focused on his laptop.
Shit.
Bit confused by her reluctance to talk with the priest based on your opening. I thought that would make her anxious to interview him.
Moving right along. Lots of mystery and anticipation leading into your next chapter.
One other little quirk:
made his way to her side. How about knelt at her tombstone?
Just a thought since she isn't standing there in reality?
Everything continues to move at a great pace.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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Hi, Dallas. Thanks for the GREAT review. I love your thorough attention to the little details.
On the matter of Jana's reluctance, in a previous chapter she saw a dark energy emanating from the priest. Along with her Uncle Tony's own experience and her dream, she's a little conflicted right now in her feelings about Father Brian.
I wanted to get the feeling across with that portion of the description at the cemetary, that Fritz still goes to his wife's grave every day because it's where he feels her presence.
Thanks for taking so much time and for the wonderfully generous review, Dallas. I appreciate it! Bev
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You're welcome. It is a great write.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Whoa. I whipped through this so darn fast. FANTASTIC chapter, Bev. Superb dialogue, enough tension to get the pulse going, and fantastic descriptions. I especially liked 'pregnant with impending rain'.
The scene in the cemetery is worth a six all by itself.
Brilliant work.
Love ya!
Av
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reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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Whoa. I whipped through this so darn fast. FANTASTIC chapter, Bev. Superb dialogue, enough tension to get the pulse going, and fantastic descriptions. I especially liked 'pregnant with impending rain'.
The scene in the cemetery is worth a six all by itself.
Brilliant work.
Love ya!
Av
x
Comment Written 11-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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Av, thank you so much for this so-generous review. I sure appreciate your support and wonderful encouragement. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Cornelius2000
A great chapter, with everything from sensitivity to mayhem, lots of good dialogue and interesting characters. It reads well and moves forward at a good pace. Well done.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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A great chapter, with everything from sensitivity to mayhem, lots of good dialogue and interesting characters. It reads well and moves forward at a good pace. Well done.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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Hiya, Dave. Thank you, my friend, for your gracious and generous review. I much appreciate the support! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
"The force of her response stunned him." You wrote this sentence from Father Brian's POV. I'd reword this small intrusion.
Ooh, scary monster. Right in the cemetery, too. And you gave us just enough about Fritz to make us like him and be horrified by his predicament. You like to leave us hanging, uh? Bad girl! Good writer! LOL!
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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"The force of her response stunned him." You wrote this sentence from Father Brian's POV. I'd reword this small intrusion.
Ooh, scary monster. Right in the cemetery, too. And you gave us just enough about Fritz to make us like him and be horrified by his predicament. You like to leave us hanging, uh? Bad girl! Good writer! LOL!
Comment Written 11-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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Hi, Adrienne. Thank you for taking time to read my chapter! I always appreciate your insights and it lets me know that I'm on track. Thanks for the suggestion - it's a good one! You're a generous, supportive friend that I appreciate very much. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Curtis Hatch
The chapter is interesting, and the storyline is compelling and believable. The characters are convincing and realistic. The story is rich with action and suspense.
There is a little spag you may want to consider:
The outline of his face formed the shape of a heart and his eyes curved upward at their corners. (of a heart, and his eyes)
With persistence, she was finding it easier to decipher the handwriting of the principle case detectives. (principle s/b principal)
I'm hip deep in files from an old investigation that may be linked to Mrs. Padget's murder." (hip-deep)
And I wouldn't be asking this if it weren't a delicate matter -- one that requires patience and tact." (double dashes s/b an em dash)
"Excuse me, Father, but that's a load of bullcrap." (bullcrap s/b bull crap)
Every time he stumbled, a solid fist pounded his spine. (he stumbled; a solid fist)
Well done,
Curtis
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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The chapter is interesting, and the storyline is compelling and believable. The characters are convincing and realistic. The story is rich with action and suspense.
There is a little spag you may want to consider:
The outline of his face formed the shape of a heart and his eyes curved upward at their corners. (of a heart, and his eyes)
With persistence, she was finding it easier to decipher the handwriting of the principle case detectives. (principle s/b principal)
I'm hip deep in files from an old investigation that may be linked to Mrs. Padget's murder." (hip-deep)
And I wouldn't be asking this if it weren't a delicate matter -- one that requires patience and tact." (double dashes s/b an em dash)
"Excuse me, Father, but that's a load of bullcrap." (bullcrap s/b bull crap)
Every time he stumbled, a solid fist pounded his spine. (he stumbled; a solid fist)
Well done,
Curtis
Comment Written 11-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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Whew, Curtis, Thank You for catching all those issues. I do appreciate your help with this chapter. I have to find a way to get with a good grammar check. Do you use one?
Thanks much! Bev
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Bev, I use WhiteSmoke 2012, but you must use it with caution. It makes suggestions...the writer must decide if the suggestion is correct or not. I haven't found one that is foolproof. Curtis
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Thank you, Curtis. I do apprecite the suggestion and caution. :0) Bev
Comment from Rob Caudle
Damn, Girl, you have turned in a masterpiece here. I know I should be critical, but I just love your work. The descriptive detail of the mounds of evidence to the final line were penned so splendidly. I was just an avid fan from the first word the action is moving and the characters emotions are so raw and real. Really a splendid piece of writing. The site rule wont allow me to give you a six, so, I will just say I will send you a check as soon as this piece is in print. Well done!!!
Rob
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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Damn, Girl, you have turned in a masterpiece here. I know I should be critical, but I just love your work. The descriptive detail of the mounds of evidence to the final line were penned so splendidly. I was just an avid fan from the first word the action is moving and the characters emotions are so raw and real. Really a splendid piece of writing. The site rule wont allow me to give you a six, so, I will just say I will send you a check as soon as this piece is in print. Well done!!!
Rob
Comment Written 11-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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Rob, you are such a great friend. You always, always inspire me to do more and better. Your words are worth a hundred stars to me. Thanks for being so wonderful! Warm regards, Bev
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Now if I could just inspire myself to finish my book all would be well in the world
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
this is superb writing, Bev - keeping
me in a grip - and oh, poor old Fritz..
you've left us hanging.
Now you wouldn't catch me doing such a thing.
and at last, I can give you a six.
Margaret
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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this is superb writing, Bev - keeping
me in a grip - and oh, poor old Fritz..
you've left us hanging.
Now you wouldn't catch me doing such a thing.
and at last, I can give you a six.
Margaret
Comment Written 11-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much, Margaret. I am honored by your generosity and support. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Perp Ihebom
I enjoyed the story. I particularly liked the character that conversed with a dead wife as if she was still living. The plot is tight and i will like to read more. kudos
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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I enjoyed the story. I particularly liked the character that conversed with a dead wife as if she was still living. The plot is tight and i will like to read more. kudos
Comment Written 11-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2012
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Thanks, Perp. I am especially thrilled you found the chapter's writing 'tight'. I do strive for that! I really appreciate your generosity and support. Warm regards, Bev
