When I Was Twenty-One
the Crown of heroic sonnets48 total reviews
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
This was obviously a daunting challenge, to say the least, Yelena. I have read all the entries and all are impessive and well written. But yours I find the most poignantly poetic, the most moving and real. Your mother comes alive for me. Some lines particularly grab me: "I wished that I could see my heart again." "The prose of life took over for awhile." The whole package is perfectly penned in form, meter and poetic language. With love and best regards, Jeanie Mercer
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2012
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This was obviously a daunting challenge, to say the least, Yelena. I have read all the entries and all are impessive and well written. But yours I find the most poignantly poetic, the most moving and real. Your mother comes alive for me. Some lines particularly grab me: "I wished that I could see my heart again." "The prose of life took over for awhile." The whole package is perfectly penned in form, meter and poetic language. With love and best regards, Jeanie Mercer
Comment Written 29-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2012
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Thank you so much for this truly exceptional delightful review and the honor of your six stars.
Yes, here I didnt write about the abstract gods or Socrates philosophy to coldly manifest the use of my pentameter (lol).
I wrote about something so raw and dear to my life that I cry everytime I reread it.
My mother was the most beautiful and exceptional woman in the world. My world is shattered without her. I am like a ship lost at sea looking for my beacon and not finding it, because the beacon was her. I go on, because she would have wanted me to, and try to make her proud of me, but what I wouldnt have given up just to hug her one more time!
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Even your reply here is poetic, and reading your words I still weep and feel this pain with you. What a lovely tribute to your mother. I lost a beautiful and truly exceptional grown daughter 18 years ago so I identify to some degree, in reverse. Each grief, though, I know is truly unique. May God bless you and comfort you. He has certainly blessed you with a talent for writing skillfully and expressively.
Comment from seren james
I enjoyed this very much. The story is very sad. You have told it very well in this heroic sonnet form. I am sure your mom would have been proud of it too. Our mom's are very precious and we need to care for them when we have them. So when they have gone we will have sweet memories.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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I enjoyed this very much. The story is very sad. You have told it very well in this heroic sonnet form. I am sure your mom would have been proud of it too. Our mom's are very precious and we need to care for them when we have them. So when they have gone we will have sweet memories.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Thank you so much for the great and so understanding a review. My mother was light and my love; my life is like a shattered tree without her. She was my teacher in school, my best friend, my second and best half. I will never get over her passing. But I must go on; and I am blessed with most wonderful memories.
Happy New Year!
Love, Y.
Comment from tinlight
You have done your mother proud! Each sonnet tells a story, yet is linked to the next; no breaks in rhyme or rhythm, and it all flows smoothly along. Your relationship with your mother was clearly very special, and one you should treasure always, as not everyone is so blessed!
Just one very tiny SPAG point, which is no doubt an uncorrected typo: "Seashells" needs two ells.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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You have done your mother proud! Each sonnet tells a story, yet is linked to the next; no breaks in rhyme or rhythm, and it all flows smoothly along. Your relationship with your mother was clearly very special, and one you should treasure always, as not everyone is so blessed!
Just one very tiny SPAG point, which is no doubt an uncorrected typo: "Seashells" needs two ells.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Thank you so much for the great review and SPAG suggestion.
My mother was a true phenomenon; and I am so blessed to have had her in my life. Often I feel only half alive without her. Writing this Crown for her was a true honor; I hope she can hear me somewhere in the clouds.
Blessings and love, Y.
Comment from Jacq77
What a beautiful, heartfelt poem. I enjoyed it from beginning to end. You have conveyed well the huge influence your mother had on your life, and the love you had for each other, a love that brought her to you, to this new land so far from Russia. Your loss of her brought out deep emotions within me, knowing how hard it is to lose a parent. There is only one thing that needs fixing: In the section "The Loss" the word seashells is missing an "l". Well done, and keep writing!
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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What a beautiful, heartfelt poem. I enjoyed it from beginning to end. You have conveyed well the huge influence your mother had on your life, and the love you had for each other, a love that brought her to you, to this new land so far from Russia. Your loss of her brought out deep emotions within me, knowing how hard it is to lose a parent. There is only one thing that needs fixing: In the section "The Loss" the word seashells is missing an "l". Well done, and keep writing!
Comment Written 26-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Thank you so much for the great review, Jacq. I was in Vegas and couldn't answer it promptly. I am so happy you liked my poem and your words brought warmth to my heart. Yes, I corrected "seasheLLs", thank you!
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Thank you so much for the great review, Jacq. I was in Vegas and couldn't answer it promptly. I am so happy you liked my poem and your words brought warmth to my heart. Yes, I corrected "seasheLLs", thank you!
Comment from LateBloomer
Hello yeltel,
I enjoyed reading this poem for so many reasons, but the main reason is that your heart and your love is finely weaved throughout each verse. Of Russian decent, I enjoyed the photo. As a native New Yorker, I can appreciate your intrigue with Manhattan. And the Rockaways, have just suffered a horrific hit from hurricane Sandy.
Thank you for the informative author's notes.
A beautiful tribute to your life and your beloved mother.
Happy New Year! LateBloomer
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Hello yeltel,
I enjoyed reading this poem for so many reasons, but the main reason is that your heart and your love is finely weaved throughout each verse. Of Russian decent, I enjoyed the photo. As a native New Yorker, I can appreciate your intrigue with Manhattan. And the Rockaways, have just suffered a horrific hit from hurricane Sandy.
Thank you for the informative author's notes.
A beautiful tribute to your life and your beloved mother.
Happy New Year! LateBloomer
Comment Written 26-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Thank you so much for this exquisite review. I guess we come from the same part of the globe; and glad you liked the picture. I should have guessed Rockaways took a hard hit. Thank you for your warm and wonderful words. Blessings and love always, Y.
Comment from Rondeno
This is a marvelous achievement. The sonnets all have a natural, easy flow to them, whilst maintaining meter and rhyme seemingly effortlessly. And English is not your first language!
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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This is a marvelous achievement. The sonnets all have a natural, easy flow to them, whilst maintaining meter and rhyme seemingly effortlessly. And English is not your first language!
Comment Written 26-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Thank you so much for the great review and rating.
Blessings, Yelena
Comment from Galactia
That is is so awesome your life story within this exceptional crown of sonnets. I didm't realize you were from mighty russia. beautiful scenery of manhatten mountains and here i thought it was a flat kland full of scyscrapers and dancing lights. I've never been to America. The politics had turned me off going to America but you sure did make my mind change after reading your poem.
This was such a delightful read.
GL in the contest
Regards
Tia
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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That is is so awesome your life story within this exceptional crown of sonnets. I didm't realize you were from mighty russia. beautiful scenery of manhatten mountains and here i thought it was a flat kland full of scyscrapers and dancing lights. I've never been to America. The politics had turned me off going to America but you sure did make my mind change after reading your poem.
This was such a delightful read.
GL in the contest
Regards
Tia
Comment Written 26-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Thank you, Tia, for your exceptional review and the honor of six stars. It means a lot to me.
Love and blessings always, Yelena
Comment from whizpurr ^-^
Euphoria, Manhattan,trials,
Hello Yeltel,
This is a heart touching crown of sonnets. It is wonderful to hear your experience of coming to live in the USA and how life has been for you. So wonderful your dear mother could join you and you could enjoy good times together and even build your own home together. It is beautiful to hear how dearly you loved each other. Thank you for sharing this part of your life. Your poem reads well meterwise for the most part. There were a few places you might want to review. Euphoria (eu/PHOR/i/A) is a 4 syllable word and using it gives the line you use it in 11 syllables instead
of 10. Trials (TRI'/als) is a two syllable word and you have used it as a one syllable word so it also gives that line 11 syllables. Also, I question the use of the word Manhatttan to start a sentence. The way I've heard Manhattan pronounced is MAN'/hat/TAN with the emphasis on the first syllable (but there could possibly be more than one way of pronouncing Manhattan so I could be wrong on this one. Otherwise, its great. You did a fine job. Thank you for sponsoring this contest which made us all stretch. Best wishes in the voting booth. Hugs, W ^-^
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Euphoria, Manhattan,trials,
Hello Yeltel,
This is a heart touching crown of sonnets. It is wonderful to hear your experience of coming to live in the USA and how life has been for you. So wonderful your dear mother could join you and you could enjoy good times together and even build your own home together. It is beautiful to hear how dearly you loved each other. Thank you for sharing this part of your life. Your poem reads well meterwise for the most part. There were a few places you might want to review. Euphoria (eu/PHOR/i/A) is a 4 syllable word and using it gives the line you use it in 11 syllables instead
of 10. Trials (TRI'/als) is a two syllable word and you have used it as a one syllable word so it also gives that line 11 syllables. Also, I question the use of the word Manhatttan to start a sentence. The way I've heard Manhattan pronounced is MAN'/hat/TAN with the emphasis on the first syllable (but there could possibly be more than one way of pronouncing Manhattan so I could be wrong on this one. Otherwise, its great. You did a fine job. Thank you for sponsoring this contest which made us all stretch. Best wishes in the voting booth. Hugs, W ^-^
Comment Written 09-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Dear Whiz,
Thank you for the touching six stars and exceptional rating. This is a very emotional poem for me and I often cry re-reading it. It involves the biggest tragedy of my life - losing my mother, who was my beacon and my star.
"Euphoria" is 3 syllables according to webster.com which I often use as a referene. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/euphoria.
"Manhattan" according to the same Webster is pronounced
man-Ë?ha-tÉ?n,
I have to think of "trials" - it is indeed 2 syllables.
I appreciate your in-depth and touching review.
I PM'd you regarding the Roman numerals before each nymph (smile). You thought it was a good idea, but they are still hiding (smile).
Again, thank you so much, love, Y.
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Thanks. Oh yes, the Roman Numerals are a good idea. I will add them. Love and warmest greetings for a happy holiday season.
Aggie (W ^-^)
Comment from jshep
Hi Yelena
I finally have some nice quiet time to sit and give the time this body of work deserves for a review. An amazing piece of work.
I.
My life began when I was twenty one.
I left the Russian homeland to come here,
the land of free, the flag and sparkling sun, (what a great line)
new world and language - paradise was near.
So many things bedazzled this young mind,
Manhattan was my land of Oz, and I (your land of oz- great)
believed that bigger god I'd never find
America - where I would live and die... (wonderful first stanza which sets this crown up beautifully)
In time I made new friends and wove my nest,
Far Rockaway - the hamlet by the sea;
This country really put me to the test
But challenges were e'er a part of me.
I took the moonlit walks along the beach,(this line and next give a true sense of peace even through the challenges)
like Socrates, philosophizing life;
The biggest dreams seemed well within my reach,
I strove for victory, ignoring strife.
I loved my newfound life, and I was young -
What do they say about the spring that sprung?
II.
What do they say about the spring that sprung?
Euphoria of the youth wore off in time; (eleven syllables- I would suggest removing 'the'.
II. 'euPHORiA of YOUTH wore OFF in TIME.)
The daily ires stole air from out my lungs, (for me 'from out my lungs sounds awkward as if trying to meet the meter - maybe something like "the daily ires stole air from callow lungs'.
It would be years 'fore I discovered rhyme,
The prose of life took over for a while.
I carried on with my accented voice,
to weave a simple tune, to set a style.
How harsh you were at times, the land of choice! (this four lines says so much with what one might go through as an immigrant. Well said without just stating it.)
"Whatever does not kill us, makes us strong" - (very profound statement)
A day had come when rusty turned my steel; (love this line)
to lowly whisper turned my starling song, (not sure about reusing turned 'a lowly whisper cuffed my starling song.' ?
my life became an unresolved ordeal.
I needed help and I had none, (.) I prayed
that God would show the way 'fore I succumb (ed)?
My Mother was in Russia then - she stayed
back home for now, but promised me she'd come.
I had so much to tell my mother, Lord!
Our souls were twin, our hearts in full accord. (such a lovely line)
III.
Our souls were twin, our hearts in full accord;
She missed me way too much, and I did her, (as I did her.)
Two years had passed since lives went overboard;
My independence failed; a hazy blur
was now the vision off my teary eyes.
Two years seemed like two lifetimes to me now(not now I am thinking, but 'then' which of course throws off the rhyme on last line)
Our letters doubled mailman's bag in size
I wished that I could see my mother now. (I wish that I could see my heart again' or the Russian word for mother if were one syllable. ) I am just throwing out suggestions as I am reading. •?? )
I called her on her phone while fighting tears;
Her voice would crack when hearing mine through miles.
And we forgot it all - the past, the years,
two continents we lived on and our trials. (meter dadums are off in this line- 11 syllables.)
"My visa's getting ready, I'll be there
in just a month," - how whole it made me feel!
"We'll be together always now, I swear."
I hear you, mother, and this time for real.
Oh joy! My Mother's here, and in her arms
I knew that I'd be always safe from harm. ( got confused with this whole last part. It made me think you were going back to Russia, not your Mom coming here . Then I got the fact that it is your mother speaking "My visa's ready, but it took a couple of reading to realize it. Maybe I am just being dense.)
IV.
I knew that I'd be always safe from harm; (you do capture the feeling of not ready for an independent life in a strange land without your Mother, who you were so very close to.)
My mother was my lifeline and my joy, (it says it all here)
She dried my tears, and her protective arm
beheld more strength than all the guards of Troy. (great example here)
I knew that I was saved now, all was well
We'd face the challenges life threw our way (.)
She would deliver me from witches' spell
With mother near, my life was perfect May.
How happy were our days now, we explored
America's delightful razzmatazz; (especially like the change of mood and the definite feeling of lightheartedness that have returned)
Around each other we were never bored,
We loved the fun we had and the pizzazz.
She made exquisite clothes, her hands were gold
and soft like silk when they caressed my face (.)
Oh mother, on you ( on her) Gods did break the mold -
embodiment of the eternal grace.
I was so blessed to have you by my side,
My dearest one, you were my biggest pride. (I feel it should say 'her' instead of you speaking to her without quotation marks of a conversation.) (In going back and forth between !V and V you talk of your mother and then you speak to your mother. I feel it should be one or the other. (My mother was my lineline, and you go to V and say 'my dearest one, YOU (she was) were my biggest pride.) Just something to think about in rereading it.)
V.
My dearest one, you were my biggest pride.
Our days were full of many happy chores -
We walked along the seashore side by side
collecting seashells; we would shop the stores,
explore the autumn parks, discuss the books;
A picture from the Vogue - you set the style
with your exquisite air; I saw the looks
you gathered enywhere (anywhere)you went for miles. (love this whole stanza about the wonderful times you shared and the pride you felt for your mother)
One day we built a house together - oh,
It was our biggest partnership of all;
A giant made of cedar, our chateau -
With you around, there was no joy too small.
It had cathedral ceilings and the deck
of forty feet, the skylight sipped the sun(.)
It was a perfect diamond, not a speck, (wonderful descriptions)
the splendor that could never be outdone.
We built our dream together, now it's me
alone without you, like a shattered tree. (this brings emotions to fullest. Very strong line.)
VI.
Alone without you, like a shattered tree
When you had gone, you took my soul away.
Pneumonia claimed my love - how could this be??
Cold January turned my perfect May; (love this line as I remember your writing earlier about your perfect May.)
A bigger part of me had died as well
You took it all, and broken I remain
I feel just half alive, such is your spell
No doctor in the world could take my pain. (not take your pain. Maybe something like 'no doctor in the world could ease my pain.)
But life goes on, is that not true, my love? (again this whole sonnet you are speaking to your mother. I am just confused with the back and forth between she and you.)
I know, you would have wanted me to live ~
You watch for me within your clouds above,
"Not yet," you say; "You have too much to give."
If only I could be with you right now
in your marshmallow (I might look for a better word than marshmallow. It seems out of place to me) heaven, with no pain, (.)
My dearest one, I give my humble bow
to you; my every tear will turn to rain. (very good line.)
Your presence gives me strength to carry out (I think with you talking of loosing your mother ' she had gone, you might change your approach here when you say 'Your presence.' Something where you say you are feeling her presence and it giving you strength.
Your legacy lives on, you soothe my doubts.
VII.
Your legacy lives on, you soothe my doubts (the transition of last lines to first line in each sonnet is very well done)
Your little girl will carry on the torch;
Deserving you is what my life's about,(.)
Let's have some tea with you on Heaven's porch. (this line needs some work with 'Let's have some tea with you on Heaven's porch. Should to me be more like 'Let's have some tea and chat on Heaven's porch.)
You told me I should live, and here I am
between New York and Vegas all the time
The scrapers of Manhattan, Hoover Dam,
I decorate those two in sage and rhyme. (yes you do and not such a bad thing to have the time between both places. I would do it more if could)
But Vegas wins the heart of me for sure,
I fell in love with its exotic charm.
The canyons, mountains make me feel secure,
This town will never let me come to harm.
I chose Las Vegas, mother, hope you're fine
with my inane desire to move back West;
I feel this city so intensely mine, (not exactly proper English. 'I feel this city is intensely mine.) ?
beneath its red rock mountains I am blessed. (both stanza offer very good descriptions for your love of the place.)
The carousel of life could be such fun > (with the last line I feel this line should be different. As your life did not begin at 21 in Vegas, but rather when you came to America. But you leave the reader thinking differently as you jump into this couplet after this whole stanza about living in Vegas. Just my interpretation.)
My life began when I was twenty one. (alright, Yelena. As I said I just wrote my thoughts as I read this. It is very detailed, but others might not be interpret the way I have as I truly went from stanza to stanza. I love the whole crown. It is filled with so much emotion and all the things a young girl went through in coming here by yourself. And the joy of your mother finally coming. Can feel the emotional transition and then how great her loss was for you. Heartwrenching. The flow and rhyme is wonderful and I think you have done a wonderful job of going from stanza to stanza. Just a few things I believe need some work. Hope this critique will be of some help.
Love, Joycexxxx
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2012
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Hi Yelena
I finally have some nice quiet time to sit and give the time this body of work deserves for a review. An amazing piece of work.
I.
My life began when I was twenty one.
I left the Russian homeland to come here,
the land of free, the flag and sparkling sun, (what a great line)
new world and language - paradise was near.
So many things bedazzled this young mind,
Manhattan was my land of Oz, and I (your land of oz- great)
believed that bigger god I'd never find
America - where I would live and die... (wonderful first stanza which sets this crown up beautifully)
In time I made new friends and wove my nest,
Far Rockaway - the hamlet by the sea;
This country really put me to the test
But challenges were e'er a part of me.
I took the moonlit walks along the beach,(this line and next give a true sense of peace even through the challenges)
like Socrates, philosophizing life;
The biggest dreams seemed well within my reach,
I strove for victory, ignoring strife.
I loved my newfound life, and I was young -
What do they say about the spring that sprung?
II.
What do they say about the spring that sprung?
Euphoria of the youth wore off in time; (eleven syllables- I would suggest removing 'the'.
II. 'euPHORiA of YOUTH wore OFF in TIME.)
The daily ires stole air from out my lungs, (for me 'from out my lungs sounds awkward as if trying to meet the meter - maybe something like "the daily ires stole air from callow lungs'.
It would be years 'fore I discovered rhyme,
The prose of life took over for a while.
I carried on with my accented voice,
to weave a simple tune, to set a style.
How harsh you were at times, the land of choice! (this four lines says so much with what one might go through as an immigrant. Well said without just stating it.)
"Whatever does not kill us, makes us strong" - (very profound statement)
A day had come when rusty turned my steel; (love this line)
to lowly whisper turned my starling song, (not sure about reusing turned 'a lowly whisper cuffed my starling song.' ?
my life became an unresolved ordeal.
I needed help and I had none, (.) I prayed
that God would show the way 'fore I succumb (ed)?
My Mother was in Russia then - she stayed
back home for now, but promised me she'd come.
I had so much to tell my mother, Lord!
Our souls were twin, our hearts in full accord. (such a lovely line)
III.
Our souls were twin, our hearts in full accord;
She missed me way too much, and I did her, (as I did her.)
Two years had passed since lives went overboard;
My independence failed; a hazy blur
was now the vision off my teary eyes.
Two years seemed like two lifetimes to me now(not now I am thinking, but 'then' which of course throws off the rhyme on last line)
Our letters doubled mailman's bag in size
I wished that I could see my mother now. (I wish that I could see my heart again' or the Russian word for mother if were one syllable. ) I am just throwing out suggestions as I am reading. •?? )
I called her on her phone while fighting tears;
Her voice would crack when hearing mine through miles.
And we forgot it all - the past, the years,
two continents we lived on and our trials. (meter dadums are off in this line- 11 syllables.)
"My visa's getting ready, I'll be there
in just a month," - how whole it made me feel!
"We'll be together always now, I swear."
I hear you, mother, and this time for real.
Oh joy! My Mother's here, and in her arms
I knew that I'd be always safe from harm. ( got confused with this whole last part. It made me think you were going back to Russia, not your Mom coming here . Then I got the fact that it is your mother speaking "My visa's ready, but it took a couple of reading to realize it. Maybe I am just being dense.)
IV.
I knew that I'd be always safe from harm; (you do capture the feeling of not ready for an independent life in a strange land without your Mother, who you were so very close to.)
My mother was my lifeline and my joy, (it says it all here)
She dried my tears, and her protective arm
beheld more strength than all the guards of Troy. (great example here)
I knew that I was saved now, all was well
We'd face the challenges life threw our way (.)
She would deliver me from witches' spell
With mother near, my life was perfect May.
How happy were our days now, we explored
America's delightful razzmatazz; (especially like the change of mood and the definite feeling of lightheartedness that have returned)
Around each other we were never bored,
We loved the fun we had and the pizzazz.
She made exquisite clothes, her hands were gold
and soft like silk when they caressed my face (.)
Oh mother, on you ( on her) Gods did break the mold -
embodiment of the eternal grace.
I was so blessed to have you by my side,
My dearest one, you were my biggest pride. (I feel it should say 'her' instead of you speaking to her without quotation marks of a conversation.) (In going back and forth between !V and V you talk of your mother and then you speak to your mother. I feel it should be one or the other. (My mother was my lineline, and you go to V and say 'my dearest one, YOU (she was) were my biggest pride.) Just something to think about in rereading it.)
V.
My dearest one, you were my biggest pride.
Our days were full of many happy chores -
We walked along the seashore side by side
collecting seashells; we would shop the stores,
explore the autumn parks, discuss the books;
A picture from the Vogue - you set the style
with your exquisite air; I saw the looks
you gathered enywhere (anywhere)you went for miles. (love this whole stanza about the wonderful times you shared and the pride you felt for your mother)
One day we built a house together - oh,
It was our biggest partnership of all;
A giant made of cedar, our chateau -
With you around, there was no joy too small.
It had cathedral ceilings and the deck
of forty feet, the skylight sipped the sun(.)
It was a perfect diamond, not a speck, (wonderful descriptions)
the splendor that could never be outdone.
We built our dream together, now it's me
alone without you, like a shattered tree. (this brings emotions to fullest. Very strong line.)
VI.
Alone without you, like a shattered tree
When you had gone, you took my soul away.
Pneumonia claimed my love - how could this be??
Cold January turned my perfect May; (love this line as I remember your writing earlier about your perfect May.)
A bigger part of me had died as well
You took it all, and broken I remain
I feel just half alive, such is your spell
No doctor in the world could take my pain. (not take your pain. Maybe something like 'no doctor in the world could ease my pain.)
But life goes on, is that not true, my love? (again this whole sonnet you are speaking to your mother. I am just confused with the back and forth between she and you.)
I know, you would have wanted me to live ~
You watch for me within your clouds above,
"Not yet," you say; "You have too much to give."
If only I could be with you right now
in your marshmallow (I might look for a better word than marshmallow. It seems out of place to me) heaven, with no pain, (.)
My dearest one, I give my humble bow
to you; my every tear will turn to rain. (very good line.)
Your presence gives me strength to carry out (I think with you talking of loosing your mother ' she had gone, you might change your approach here when you say 'Your presence.' Something where you say you are feeling her presence and it giving you strength.
Your legacy lives on, you soothe my doubts.
VII.
Your legacy lives on, you soothe my doubts (the transition of last lines to first line in each sonnet is very well done)
Your little girl will carry on the torch;
Deserving you is what my life's about,(.)
Let's have some tea with you on Heaven's porch. (this line needs some work with 'Let's have some tea with you on Heaven's porch. Should to me be more like 'Let's have some tea and chat on Heaven's porch.)
You told me I should live, and here I am
between New York and Vegas all the time
The scrapers of Manhattan, Hoover Dam,
I decorate those two in sage and rhyme. (yes you do and not such a bad thing to have the time between both places. I would do it more if could)
But Vegas wins the heart of me for sure,
I fell in love with its exotic charm.
The canyons, mountains make me feel secure,
This town will never let me come to harm.
I chose Las Vegas, mother, hope you're fine
with my inane desire to move back West;
I feel this city so intensely mine, (not exactly proper English. 'I feel this city is intensely mine.) ?
beneath its red rock mountains I am blessed. (both stanza offer very good descriptions for your love of the place.)
The carousel of life could be such fun > (with the last line I feel this line should be different. As your life did not begin at 21 in Vegas, but rather when you came to America. But you leave the reader thinking differently as you jump into this couplet after this whole stanza about living in Vegas. Just my interpretation.)
My life began when I was twenty one. (alright, Yelena. As I said I just wrote my thoughts as I read this. It is very detailed, but others might not be interpret the way I have as I truly went from stanza to stanza. I love the whole crown. It is filled with so much emotion and all the things a young girl went through in coming here by yourself. And the joy of your mother finally coming. Can feel the emotional transition and then how great her loss was for you. Heartwrenching. The flow and rhyme is wonderful and I think you have done a wonderful job of going from stanza to stanza. Just a few things I believe need some work. Hope this critique will be of some help.
Love, Joycexxxx
Comment Written 17-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2012
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Dearest Joyce,
Thank you so much for the gift of such an exquisite detail-oriented review, and for all the time you took to write it. I will go over all suggestions with a fine toothcomb; and PM you when edits are done. The only thing - your remarks on 11 syllables in the line I disagree with; as I checked with webster.com on "euphoria" (3 syllables), and other parts where you claimed it was an extra syllable. You might use another dictionary for syllable count; I've used Webster for years.
I know what you are saying about jumping from "you" to "her" for Mother; but at times I feel so intense, I want to talk to her; so I call her "you". This is a very heartwrenching poem, I agree; because her death took my heart away. I wept re-reading this crown, as it is so intensely personal; more personal than any poem I wrote for years; but this was for her, and I wanted to know my beloved mother with this unique form.
I hope you join again; now that I lifted no repeat rhymes rule, it should be easy. I would be honored if you do; but it does take a lot of time; though I wrote mine in 24 hours.
Thank you again, my dearest friend, your review and your deep understanding of my every emotion were indeed a gift I will treasure.
Lots of love, Yelena
Comment from nancyjam
I admire you for taking on this form.
You have done a beautiful job.
The love you feel for your mother
is evident in every line. It is a beautiful
but sad story.
Excellent rhyme and strong meter throughout.
Well done. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2012
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I admire you for taking on this form.
You have done a beautiful job.
The love you feel for your mother
is evident in every line. It is a beautiful
but sad story.
Excellent rhyme and strong meter throughout.
Well done. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much for the great review, Nancy. Yes, the Crown of sonnets is not an easy form to write, but is very, very rewarding. This is our 3rd Crown contest.
