When I Was Twenty-One
the Crown of heroic sonnets48 total reviews
Comment from Pen&Ink
An intriguing line: "How harsh you were at times, the land of choice"
Another good one: "Oh mother, on you Gods did break the mold -
embodiment of the eternal grace."
Great ending!
But Vegas wins the heart of me for sure,
I fell in love with its exotic charm -
The canyons, mountains make me feel secure,
This town will never let me come to harm.
I sought refuge there after you were gone
and it became my jewel of the West,
I feel this city so intensely mine,
beneath its red rock mountains I am blessed.
The carousel of life could be real fun:
My life began when I was twenty one.
Quite a piece, yel!
Ray
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2012
  |
An intriguing line: "How harsh you were at times, the land of choice"
Another good one: "Oh mother, on you Gods did break the mold -
embodiment of the eternal grace."
Great ending!
But Vegas wins the heart of me for sure,
I fell in love with its exotic charm -
The canyons, mountains make me feel secure,
This town will never let me come to harm.
I sought refuge there after you were gone
and it became my jewel of the West,
I feel this city so intensely mine,
beneath its red rock mountains I am blessed.
The carousel of life could be real fun:
My life began when I was twenty one.
Quite a piece, yel!
Ray
Comment Written 31-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2012
-
Thank you for the good review, Ray. Glad you enjoyed my crown of sonnets. It is one of the hardest forms in poetry today, but I love challenges!
Comment from EMB
Hmm. I'm not quite sure why this would be categorized as poetry. It definitely reads like prose, through and through, but there is a subtle attempt at overly concise wording and colorful phraseology. :) This is an interesting piece, but I think you shouldn't placed it in Biographical Non-fiction.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
|
Hmm. I'm not quite sure why this would be categorized as poetry. It definitely reads like prose, through and through, but there is a subtle attempt at overly concise wording and colorful phraseology. :) This is an interesting piece, but I think you shouldn't placed it in Biographical Non-fiction.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
-
This is a poetic form called the Crown of heroic sonnets. I suggest you read the contest description and research the form before making statements that it is not poetry.
Comment from Norbanus
Thank you for sharing this epic and poetic tale of life with us, Yeltel. MUch has changed since the times you recall, but much is the same. Your mother would be proud of your words.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
|
Thank you for sharing this epic and poetic tale of life with us, Yeltel. MUch has changed since the times you recall, but much is the same. Your mother would be proud of your words.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
-
Thank you so much for the great review. Yes, much has changed but so much is still the same. My mother was the love of my life. Life is hard without her.
Comment from Dodey
This work totally captivated me. It took me inside and held me from start to finish. The imagery from your words is amazing, as if I truly were there and seeing everything first hand.I felt all your emotions. I smiled at your joy, and my eyes welled up for your sorrows and struggles. I felt proud for both yours and your beloved mother's achievements, and I felt deep sorrow for your great loss..If one were to ask me to review on punctuation or perfect form or such, I would not be able to do so as yet
( I am studying hard though :) but I do know of beauty,
emotions, pride, loss, and gratitude and the deepest of love. As you very well know too my friend.
Bravo..Thank you for sharing your amazing story ( A book ? )
Kindest of Regards to you....Dee
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
 |
This work totally captivated me. It took me inside and held me from start to finish. The imagery from your words is amazing, as if I truly were there and seeing everything first hand.I felt all your emotions. I smiled at your joy, and my eyes welled up for your sorrows and struggles. I felt proud for both yours and your beloved mother's achievements, and I felt deep sorrow for your great loss..If one were to ask me to review on punctuation or perfect form or such, I would not be able to do so as yet
( I am studying hard though :) but I do know of beauty,
emotions, pride, loss, and gratitude and the deepest of love. As you very well know too my friend.
Bravo..Thank you for sharing your amazing story ( A book ? )
Kindest of Regards to you....Dee
Comment Written 29-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
-
Oh, Dee,
Your review moved me to tears. Thank you for your ungorgettable words, for feeling my story and for such heartfelt feedback. My mother was my life and my love. Without her, the world is not the same.
I was happy to write a Crown of Heroic Sonnets form for her. Her memory lives on and is always a guiding light for me.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your exceptional review and your stars.
Love, Yelena
Comment from Earl of Oxford
Hi, Yelena:
I.
My life began when I was twenty one;
I left the Russian homeland to come here,
the land of free, the flag and sparkling sun,
New world and language - paradise was near.
So many things bedazzled this young mind,
Manhattan was my land of Oz, and I
believed that bigger god I'd never find
America - where I would live and die...
In time I got new friends and wove my nest, [? 'MADE NEW FRIENDS]
Far Rockaway - the hamlet by the sea;
This country really put me to the test
But challenges were e'er a part of me.
I took the moonlit walks along the beach,
like Socrates, philosophizing life.
The biggest dreams seemed well within my reach,
I strove for victory, ignoring strife.
I loved my newfound life, and I was young -
What do they say about the spring that sprung?
[EXCELLENT DESCRIPTION OF YOUR NEW LIFE, AND YOUR POSITIVITY TO EMBRACE IT]
II.
What do they say about the spring that sprung?
Euphoria of the youth wore off in time, [I PRONOUNCE 'EUPHORIA' AS FOUR SYLLABLES, BUT I'M SURE ONE CAN BE SILENT HERE, AND IT WORKED FOR ME ON SECOND READ]
the daily ires sipped live air from my lungs, ['LIVE AIR' IS AWKWARD. MAYBE REPLACE WITH 'THE DAILY IRES STOLE BREATH FROM OUT MY LUNGS']
It would be years 'for I discovered rhyme.
The prose of life took over for a while;
I carried on with my accented voice,
to sing a simple tune, to set a style.
How harsh you were at times, the land of choice!
EXTENTION OF YOUR STRUGGLE TO FIT IN HERE
"Whatever does not kill us, makes us strong"[ -- ['[' TYPO]
A day had come when rusty turned my steel.
To scrawny whisper turned my robin song,
My life became one unresolved ordeal.
I needed help and I had none, I prayed
that God would show the way 'fore I succumb
My Mother was in Russia then - she stayed
back home, but promised that she'd come. [ONLY EIGHT SYLLABLES IN THIS LINE]
I had so much to tell my mother, Lord!
Our souls were twin, our hearts in full accord.
[EXCELLENT INCLUSION OF YOUR LOVING THOUGHTS FOR MOTHER WHO WAS SO FAR AWAY]
III.
Our souls were twin, our hearts in full accord;
She missed me way too much, and I did her,
Two years had passed since lives went overboard;
My independence failed; a hazy blur
was now the vision off my teary eyes.
Two years seemed like two lifetimes to me now
Our letters doubled mailman's bag in size
Oh, how I wished that I could see her now.
I called her on her phone while fighting tears
Her voice would crack when she heard mine through miles [MAYBE 'WHEN HEARING MINE' FOR BETTER EMPHASIS AND SMOOTHNES]
And we forgot it all - the past, the years,
two continents we lived on, and our trials. [MAYBE 'OUR SPACE IN CONTINENTS INCREASED OUR TRIALS']
"My visa's getting ready, I'll be there
in just a month," she said; how whole it made me feel! [TWELVE SYLLABLES IN THIS LINE]
"We'll be together always now, I swear."
I hear you, mother, and this time for real.
Oh joy! My Mother's here, and in her ['MY ARMS']arms
I knew that I'd be always safe from harm.
IV.
I knew that I'd be always safe from harm;
My mother was my treasure and my joy,
She dried my tears, and her protective arm
beheld more strength than all the guards of Troy.
I knew that I was saved now, all was well
We'd face the challenges life threw our way
She would deliver me from witches' spell [MAYBE 'FROM LONESOME HELL']
With mother near, my life was perfect May.
How happy were our days now, we explored
America's delightful razzmatazz; [EXCELLENT MULTI-SYLLABLE LINE]
When she was nearby, I was never bored - [THIS LINE DOESN'T SCAN AS CORRECT EMPHASIS IS 'near-BY'
Epitome of style and the pizzazz.
She made exquisite clothes, her hands were gold
and soft like silk when they caressed my face
Oh mother, on you Gods did break the mold -
embodiment of the eternal grace.
I was so blessed to have you by my side,
My mother dear, you were my biggest pride.
ANOTHER EXCELLENT PHASE WRITTEN WITH MUCH LOVE
V.
My mother dear, you were my biggest pride,
Our days were full of many happy chores;
We walked along the seashore side by side
collecting seashels; we would shop the stores,
explore the autumn parks, discuss our books;
A picture from the Vogue, you set the style
with your exquisite air, I saw the looks
men gave you everywhere for many miles.
One day we built a house together, oh
It was our biggest partnership of all.
A giant made of cedar, our chateau -
With you around, there was no joy too small.
It had cathedral ceilings and the deck
of forty feet, the skylight sipped the sun
It was a diamond, not a single speck,
Perfection that could never be outdone.
We built our dream together, now it's me
alone without you, like a shattered tree.
WONDERFUL COMPANIONSHIP AND PROGRESS EXPRESSED HERE
VI.
Alone without you, like a shattered tree
When you had gone, you took my soul away.
Pneumonia claimed my love - how could this be? [THIS LINE DOESN'T SCAN UNLESS INCORRECTLY EMPHASISING 'MY' OVER 'LOVE']
Cold January turned my perfect May.
A bigger part of me had died as well,
You took it all, and shattered [MAYBE 'HEART-BROKE' IS STRONGER THAN 'SHATTERED'] I remain
I feel just half alive, such is your spell
No doctor in the world could take my pain.
But life goes on, isn't that true, my love? [LINE DOESN'T SCAN]
I know, you would have wanted me to live.
You watch for me within your clouds above,
"Not yet," you say; "You have too much to give."
Oh, how I wish I was with you right now [THIS LINE IS AWKWARD WITH THE TWO 'I'. MAYBE 'IF ONLY I COULD BE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW]
in your marshmallow heaven, with no pain,
My dearest one, I give my humble bow
to you; my every tear will turn to rain.
Your presence gives me strength to carry out
Your legacy lives on, you slay [MAYBE 'SOOTH' INSTEAD OF 'SLAY'] my doubts.
VII.
Your legacy lives on, you slay my doubts
Your little girl will carry on the torch;
Deserving you is what my life's about,
Let's have some tea with you on Heaven's porch.
You told me I should live, and here I am
between New York and Vegas all the time
The scrapers of Manhattan; Hoover Dam,
I decorate the two in sage and rhyme.
Although Las Vegas's winning it for sure, [LINE IS AWKWARD AND DIFFICULT TO SCAN. MAYBE 'LAS VEGAS WINS THE HEART IN ME FOR SURE']
I fell in love with its exotic charm;
The canyons, mountains make me feel secure,
This town will never let me come to harm.
I chose Las Vegas, mother - hope you're fine
with my inane decision to move West;
I feel Las Vegas so intensely mine -
Beneath its red rock mountains I feel blessed.
The carousel of life could be real fun:
My life began when I was twenty one.
ANYONE WHO SUCCEEDS AT THIS FORM IS WELL WORTHY OF MY SIXER, YELENA. BLIMEY, I'M TRYING TO CUT DOWN TIME ON HERE, AND THIS REVIEW TOOK ME 35 MINUTES, SO NO MORE 'CROWNS' PLEASE. :-) AS YOU SPONSORED THE CONTEST AND ALWAYS 'POLICE' THEM SO THOROUGHLY, I FELT OBLIGED TO OFFER MY HUMBLE SUGGS - SOME OR ALL OF WHICH FEEL FREE TO IGNORE.
BEST WISHES, RAY
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
|
Hi, Yelena:
I.
My life began when I was twenty one;
I left the Russian homeland to come here,
the land of free, the flag and sparkling sun,
New world and language - paradise was near.
So many things bedazzled this young mind,
Manhattan was my land of Oz, and I
believed that bigger god I'd never find
America - where I would live and die...
In time I got new friends and wove my nest, [? 'MADE NEW FRIENDS]
Far Rockaway - the hamlet by the sea;
This country really put me to the test
But challenges were e'er a part of me.
I took the moonlit walks along the beach,
like Socrates, philosophizing life.
The biggest dreams seemed well within my reach,
I strove for victory, ignoring strife.
I loved my newfound life, and I was young -
What do they say about the spring that sprung?
[EXCELLENT DESCRIPTION OF YOUR NEW LIFE, AND YOUR POSITIVITY TO EMBRACE IT]
II.
What do they say about the spring that sprung?
Euphoria of the youth wore off in time, [I PRONOUNCE 'EUPHORIA' AS FOUR SYLLABLES, BUT I'M SURE ONE CAN BE SILENT HERE, AND IT WORKED FOR ME ON SECOND READ]
the daily ires sipped live air from my lungs, ['LIVE AIR' IS AWKWARD. MAYBE REPLACE WITH 'THE DAILY IRES STOLE BREATH FROM OUT MY LUNGS']
It would be years 'for I discovered rhyme.
The prose of life took over for a while;
I carried on with my accented voice,
to sing a simple tune, to set a style.
How harsh you were at times, the land of choice!
EXTENTION OF YOUR STRUGGLE TO FIT IN HERE
"Whatever does not kill us, makes us strong"[ -- ['[' TYPO]
A day had come when rusty turned my steel.
To scrawny whisper turned my robin song,
My life became one unresolved ordeal.
I needed help and I had none, I prayed
that God would show the way 'fore I succumb
My Mother was in Russia then - she stayed
back home, but promised that she'd come. [ONLY EIGHT SYLLABLES IN THIS LINE]
I had so much to tell my mother, Lord!
Our souls were twin, our hearts in full accord.
[EXCELLENT INCLUSION OF YOUR LOVING THOUGHTS FOR MOTHER WHO WAS SO FAR AWAY]
III.
Our souls were twin, our hearts in full accord;
She missed me way too much, and I did her,
Two years had passed since lives went overboard;
My independence failed; a hazy blur
was now the vision off my teary eyes.
Two years seemed like two lifetimes to me now
Our letters doubled mailman's bag in size
Oh, how I wished that I could see her now.
I called her on her phone while fighting tears
Her voice would crack when she heard mine through miles [MAYBE 'WHEN HEARING MINE' FOR BETTER EMPHASIS AND SMOOTHNES]
And we forgot it all - the past, the years,
two continents we lived on, and our trials. [MAYBE 'OUR SPACE IN CONTINENTS INCREASED OUR TRIALS']
"My visa's getting ready, I'll be there
in just a month," she said; how whole it made me feel! [TWELVE SYLLABLES IN THIS LINE]
"We'll be together always now, I swear."
I hear you, mother, and this time for real.
Oh joy! My Mother's here, and in her ['MY ARMS']arms
I knew that I'd be always safe from harm.
IV.
I knew that I'd be always safe from harm;
My mother was my treasure and my joy,
She dried my tears, and her protective arm
beheld more strength than all the guards of Troy.
I knew that I was saved now, all was well
We'd face the challenges life threw our way
She would deliver me from witches' spell [MAYBE 'FROM LONESOME HELL']
With mother near, my life was perfect May.
How happy were our days now, we explored
America's delightful razzmatazz; [EXCELLENT MULTI-SYLLABLE LINE]
When she was nearby, I was never bored - [THIS LINE DOESN'T SCAN AS CORRECT EMPHASIS IS 'near-BY'
Epitome of style and the pizzazz.
She made exquisite clothes, her hands were gold
and soft like silk when they caressed my face
Oh mother, on you Gods did break the mold -
embodiment of the eternal grace.
I was so blessed to have you by my side,
My mother dear, you were my biggest pride.
ANOTHER EXCELLENT PHASE WRITTEN WITH MUCH LOVE
V.
My mother dear, you were my biggest pride,
Our days were full of many happy chores;
We walked along the seashore side by side
collecting seashels; we would shop the stores,
explore the autumn parks, discuss our books;
A picture from the Vogue, you set the style
with your exquisite air, I saw the looks
men gave you everywhere for many miles.
One day we built a house together, oh
It was our biggest partnership of all.
A giant made of cedar, our chateau -
With you around, there was no joy too small.
It had cathedral ceilings and the deck
of forty feet, the skylight sipped the sun
It was a diamond, not a single speck,
Perfection that could never be outdone.
We built our dream together, now it's me
alone without you, like a shattered tree.
WONDERFUL COMPANIONSHIP AND PROGRESS EXPRESSED HERE
VI.
Alone without you, like a shattered tree
When you had gone, you took my soul away.
Pneumonia claimed my love - how could this be? [THIS LINE DOESN'T SCAN UNLESS INCORRECTLY EMPHASISING 'MY' OVER 'LOVE']
Cold January turned my perfect May.
A bigger part of me had died as well,
You took it all, and shattered [MAYBE 'HEART-BROKE' IS STRONGER THAN 'SHATTERED'] I remain
I feel just half alive, such is your spell
No doctor in the world could take my pain.
But life goes on, isn't that true, my love? [LINE DOESN'T SCAN]
I know, you would have wanted me to live.
You watch for me within your clouds above,
"Not yet," you say; "You have too much to give."
Oh, how I wish I was with you right now [THIS LINE IS AWKWARD WITH THE TWO 'I'. MAYBE 'IF ONLY I COULD BE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW]
in your marshmallow heaven, with no pain,
My dearest one, I give my humble bow
to you; my every tear will turn to rain.
Your presence gives me strength to carry out
Your legacy lives on, you slay [MAYBE 'SOOTH' INSTEAD OF 'SLAY'] my doubts.
VII.
Your legacy lives on, you slay my doubts
Your little girl will carry on the torch;
Deserving you is what my life's about,
Let's have some tea with you on Heaven's porch.
You told me I should live, and here I am
between New York and Vegas all the time
The scrapers of Manhattan; Hoover Dam,
I decorate the two in sage and rhyme.
Although Las Vegas's winning it for sure, [LINE IS AWKWARD AND DIFFICULT TO SCAN. MAYBE 'LAS VEGAS WINS THE HEART IN ME FOR SURE']
I fell in love with its exotic charm;
The canyons, mountains make me feel secure,
This town will never let me come to harm.
I chose Las Vegas, mother - hope you're fine
with my inane decision to move West;
I feel Las Vegas so intensely mine -
Beneath its red rock mountains I feel blessed.
The carousel of life could be real fun:
My life began when I was twenty one.
ANYONE WHO SUCCEEDS AT THIS FORM IS WELL WORTHY OF MY SIXER, YELENA. BLIMEY, I'M TRYING TO CUT DOWN TIME ON HERE, AND THIS REVIEW TOOK ME 35 MINUTES, SO NO MORE 'CROWNS' PLEASE. :-) AS YOU SPONSORED THE CONTEST AND ALWAYS 'POLICE' THEM SO THOROUGHLY, I FELT OBLIGED TO OFFER MY HUMBLE SUGGS - SOME OR ALL OF WHICH FEEL FREE TO IGNORE.
BEST WISHES, RAY
Comment Written 29-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
-
Dear Earl,
I am moved and speechless with your exquisite review; so thorough, so heartfelt and generous in rating considering all the edits.
I went through all your suggestions and incorporated most of them. Take another look.
Your wonderful entry in our last contest was an inspiration.
Thank you so much for your feedback and friendship.
Love, Yelena
-
Thanks for your wonderful reply, Yelena.
It was a pleasure to read and offer humble suggs, and I'm very proud you considered some of them helpful.
Mind you, in view of my busier personal life, you may have had my month's allocation of attention in one go. LOL
Ray xx
-
And some allocation it was!
Thank you, my friend. This review will stand out in my memory.
-
I just took another peek, Yelena, and I noticed a few things in [111]:
you have a repeat rhyme of 'how' very close together.
'tears' and 'miles' doesn't rhyme in couplet.
'in her arms' (in next couplet) should be 'in MY arms'.
That's definately ya lot. haha! xx
Comment from mizzkris20
This is a very emotional poem...I enjoyed
reading it. I wish you good luck in the
The Crown of Heroic Sonnets III contest. Good luck!
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
|
This is a very emotional poem...I enjoyed
reading it. I wish you good luck in the
The Crown of Heroic Sonnets III contest. Good luck!
Comment Written 29-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
-
Thank you so much for the good review. Blessings and love, Y.
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Thanks for letting me know you made edits. ;)
First review (FOUR stars)
Sweet Yelena, so sorry for your loss of your mom and this is a wonderful, heartfelt tribute to her. So many lines are eloquent and masterfully crafted with flawless meter, fine rhyme, strong imagery an unique style. However, not all the lines fit in the above description and some have scansion issues. While this is an outstanding write, it still needs tweaking and fine tuning.
Reviewing notes-
Love this-
I took the moonlit walks along the beach,
like Socrates, philosophizing life.
*Scansion seems off in the line-
My girlish euphoria wore off in time,
Love this-
It would be years 'for I discovered rhyme.
The prose of life took over for a while;
Scansion sounds slightly forced here-
I carried on with my accented voice,
*suggest using quotes on this, since it is a famous aphorism:
Whatever does not kill us, makes us strong --
Love the unique phrasing and imagery in these lines-
A day had come when rusty turned my steel.
To scrawny whisper turned my robin song,
My life became one unresolved ordeal.
I needed help and I had none, I prayed
that God would show the way 'fore I succumb
Nice phonetics with assonance between none and succumb.
*
She missed me way too much, and I did her,(. or -)
Two years had passed since lives went overboard;
CUTE-
Our letters doubled mailman's bag in size
*
in just a month," she said,(;) how whole it made me feel!
Wonderful lines-
She dried my tears, and her protective arm
beheld more strength than all the guards of Troy.
* Missing beat here-
I knew that I saved now, all was well
I knew that I (was) saved now, all was well
*slightly forced scansion here-
With mother near, life was a perfect May.
maybe this would work-
With mother near, my life was perfect May.
Eh, that's not so hot either--I do think this line needs reworking.
nice phrasing-
A giant made of cedar, our chateau -
LOVE THIS--skylight sipped the sun!-
of forty feet, the skylight sipped the sun
*
You took it all, and shattered I remain
Potent line but slightly weakened by repeating the same verb )shattered tree was already used). Suggest using a synonym.
*scansion off-
But life goes on, isn't that true, my love?
***NOTE-using love and above and life and strife as rhymes is not optimal (they are quite cliche) though they are woven in deftly here. I do not suggest changing unless you ever want to publish this professionally, in which case, I think it would be optimal to omit them).
*
"Not yet," you say, "Y(y)ou have too much to give."
*Scansion off-
in your marshmallow heaven, with no pain,
*
Deserving you is what my life's about,(;)
Let's have some tea with you on Heaven's porch.
* missing beat....did you mean NEW YORK?
between New and Vegas all the time
* scansion off
Sky scrapers of Manhattan; Hoover Dam,
accent off on sky SCRApers.
Love this line-
I decorate the two in sage and rhyme.
*
I feel Las Vegas to(o) intensely mine
Nice alliteration hee--this line rolls off the tongue-
Beneath its red rock mountains I feel blessed.
Good alliteration here too-and good rhyme-
The carousel of life could be real fun:
My life began when I was twenty one.
Bravo for the powerful overtone of love and affection as well as fine descriptive imagery and fluid phrasing (in the majority of lines).
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
|
Second review
Thanks for letting me know you made edits. ;)
First review (FOUR stars)
Sweet Yelena, so sorry for your loss of your mom and this is a wonderful, heartfelt tribute to her. So many lines are eloquent and masterfully crafted with flawless meter, fine rhyme, strong imagery an unique style. However, not all the lines fit in the above description and some have scansion issues. While this is an outstanding write, it still needs tweaking and fine tuning.
Reviewing notes-
Love this-
I took the moonlit walks along the beach,
like Socrates, philosophizing life.
*Scansion seems off in the line-
My girlish euphoria wore off in time,
Love this-
It would be years 'for I discovered rhyme.
The prose of life took over for a while;
Scansion sounds slightly forced here-
I carried on with my accented voice,
*suggest using quotes on this, since it is a famous aphorism:
Whatever does not kill us, makes us strong --
Love the unique phrasing and imagery in these lines-
A day had come when rusty turned my steel.
To scrawny whisper turned my robin song,
My life became one unresolved ordeal.
I needed help and I had none, I prayed
that God would show the way 'fore I succumb
Nice phonetics with assonance between none and succumb.
*
She missed me way too much, and I did her,(. or -)
Two years had passed since lives went overboard;
CUTE-
Our letters doubled mailman's bag in size
*
in just a month," she said,(;) how whole it made me feel!
Wonderful lines-
She dried my tears, and her protective arm
beheld more strength than all the guards of Troy.
* Missing beat here-
I knew that I saved now, all was well
I knew that I (was) saved now, all was well
*slightly forced scansion here-
With mother near, life was a perfect May.
maybe this would work-
With mother near, my life was perfect May.
Eh, that's not so hot either--I do think this line needs reworking.
nice phrasing-
A giant made of cedar, our chateau -
LOVE THIS--skylight sipped the sun!-
of forty feet, the skylight sipped the sun
*
You took it all, and shattered I remain
Potent line but slightly weakened by repeating the same verb )shattered tree was already used). Suggest using a synonym.
*scansion off-
But life goes on, isn't that true, my love?
***NOTE-using love and above and life and strife as rhymes is not optimal (they are quite cliche) though they are woven in deftly here. I do not suggest changing unless you ever want to publish this professionally, in which case, I think it would be optimal to omit them).
*
"Not yet," you say, "Y(y)ou have too much to give."
*Scansion off-
in your marshmallow heaven, with no pain,
*
Deserving you is what my life's about,(;)
Let's have some tea with you on Heaven's porch.
* missing beat....did you mean NEW YORK?
between New and Vegas all the time
* scansion off
Sky scrapers of Manhattan; Hoover Dam,
accent off on sky SCRApers.
Love this line-
I decorate the two in sage and rhyme.
*
I feel Las Vegas to(o) intensely mine
Nice alliteration hee--this line rolls off the tongue-
Beneath its red rock mountains I feel blessed.
Good alliteration here too-and good rhyme-
The carousel of life could be real fun:
My life began when I was twenty one.
Bravo for the powerful overtone of love and affection as well as fine descriptive imagery and fluid phrasing (in the majority of lines).
Love,
rd
Comment Written 29-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
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Dearest Rama,
Thank you so much for your exquisite and extensive review, your helpful suggestions and for taking the time to deliver such detail. I incorporated most of your suggestions and made more changes - take another look.
As always, your mentorship, your friendship and the riveting honesty in your reviews is deeply appreciated.
Much love, Yelena
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Aw, thanks for your lovely, warm and gracious comments dear Y! WIll re-read this soon and upgrade...a bit foggy-brained at the moment....I think I'll upgrade in advance and return later...
Love,r d
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PS Actually, I think there may still be issues so will upgrade later, too. Sorry--brain a bit fuzzy but I hope to get to it tonight. (Its 7 pm in India). Love, rd
Comment from writer_13
It was a very touching poem. I could feel every emotion you were feeling in the words as I read each verse. It flowed really well and it told a really beautiful story.
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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
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It was a very touching poem. I could feel every emotion you were feeling in the words as I read each verse. It flowed really well and it told a really beautiful story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2012
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Thank you for your review and finding my poem "touching." Blessings and love, Y.
