When I Was Twenty-One
the Crown of heroic sonnets48 total reviews
Comment from MixedBreedMaiya
This is absolutely beautiful. I love the style of beginning every section with the closing line of the one before; it ties the whole thing together throughout the unusual length. The story it tells is lovely. A favorite line of mine had to be, "I strove to win and had no fear of strife." That's just such a poignant, fluid line. You do so well really giving it life. I also really liked that your mother was your pride, since the saying is usually the child being the pride and joy of the parents--very nice play there. Great, down-to-earth imagery, but not stagnant or stale. Lovely.
reply by the author on 12-May-2013
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This is absolutely beautiful. I love the style of beginning every section with the closing line of the one before; it ties the whole thing together throughout the unusual length. The story it tells is lovely. A favorite line of mine had to be, "I strove to win and had no fear of strife." That's just such a poignant, fluid line. You do so well really giving it life. I also really liked that your mother was your pride, since the saying is usually the child being the pride and joy of the parents--very nice play there. Great, down-to-earth imagery, but not stagnant or stale. Lovely.
Comment Written 12-May-2013
reply by the author on 12-May-2013
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Thank you for your exquisite review and the honor of six stars. Yes, in the Crown of heroic sonnets the ending line of a sonnet is repeated as the first lines of the subsequent one, tying it all together. What is more, the first line of the Crown has to repeat as the last line of it. It is an interesting and the most complex form we have in poetry today; but I thrive on challenges (smile), and ran 3 Crown of sonnets contests in the past 3 years.
Come back again.
Love Yelena
Comment from jlsavell
Yeltel, I am not an expert on sonnets, much less a crown, but I do appreciate this is a work , a tour de force. Exquisite executions. The story is filled with imagery and true emotion.. very well done and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this work... jlsavell
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Yeltel, I am not an expert on sonnets, much less a crown, but I do appreciate this is a work , a tour de force. Exquisite executions. The story is filled with imagery and true emotion.. very well done and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this work... jlsavell
Comment Written 12-May-2013
Comment from adewpearl
How appropriate to pay tribute to your mother with a crown of sonnets since you are such an accomplished sonneteer
of course your rhymes are strong and your meter steady
a very thoughtful story of your life and your mother's huge part in your life as you chronicle your experiences
excellent use of imagery, such as the simile when you are alone without her like a shattered tree
I'm so glad you're happy with your decision to return to Vegas, and I'm sure your mom would approve of your doing what makes you happy :-) Brooke
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How appropriate to pay tribute to your mother with a crown of sonnets since you are such an accomplished sonneteer
of course your rhymes are strong and your meter steady
a very thoughtful story of your life and your mother's huge part in your life as you chronicle your experiences
excellent use of imagery, such as the simile when you are alone without her like a shattered tree
I'm so glad you're happy with your decision to return to Vegas, and I'm sure your mom would approve of your doing what makes you happy :-) Brooke
Comment Written 11-May-2013
Comment from DRG24
Why do you use numbering in the format of your awesome autobiographical poem?????
LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's really awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
reply by the author on 11-May-2013
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Why do you use numbering in the format of your awesome autobiographical poem?????
LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's really awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comment Written 11-May-2013
reply by the author on 11-May-2013
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Thank you so much. It is
customary to use nunumering, Roman .umerals or Arabic numbers, in a Crown of sonnets which is 136 lines I am happy you enjoyed it.
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Thank you so much. It is
customary to use nunumering, Roman .umerals or Arabic numbers, in a Crown of sonnets which is 136 lines I am happy you enjoyed it.
Comment from lakeport
when I was twentyone, indeed hat brings back many memories,
That's a very Heartfelt expressed story poem,nice rhyming, I enjoeyd reading it,God bless you, Hugs!lakeport.
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when I was twentyone, indeed hat brings back many memories,
That's a very Heartfelt expressed story poem,nice rhyming, I enjoeyd reading it,God bless you, Hugs!lakeport.
Comment Written 11-May-2013
Comment from L. Sherman
I was a bit reluctant to read this because of its length but I'm glad I stuck with it through to the end. It's a fine collection of sonnets that tell a very fine narrative about your journey and also rain praise and love upon the one who made you who you are. I'm sure, as she sits and watches you from her marshmallow Heaven, I'm sure she's very proud of you. Thanks for taking us on this journey with you. :)
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I was a bit reluctant to read this because of its length but I'm glad I stuck with it through to the end. It's a fine collection of sonnets that tell a very fine narrative about your journey and also rain praise and love upon the one who made you who you are. I'm sure, as she sits and watches you from her marshmallow Heaven, I'm sure she's very proud of you. Thanks for taking us on this journey with you. :)
Comment Written 11-May-2013
Comment from DragonSkulls
I wish I had a six to give everyone in this contest, Y. This is another piece well deserving of a sixer. Sorry I didn't have another one. Thank you for sponsoring the contest. I had fun with it. We'll have to do another one soon. Excellent writing, Y. Have a great new year. /Ron
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2013
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I wish I had a six to give everyone in this contest, Y. This is another piece well deserving of a sixer. Sorry I didn't have another one. Thank you for sponsoring the contest. I had fun with it. We'll have to do another one soon. Excellent writing, Y. Have a great new year. /Ron
Comment Written 31-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2013
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Thank you, colleague, for your good review. Congrats on coming second. Luv and hugs, Yelena
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If you want to host the next Crown contest, Ron, be my guest. This is my third; and I got a little weary. However, I think the form should live on! It is the biggest poetic challenge for any writer, to write a cohesive crown of sonnets
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I'll admit, it took a lot of guts to sponsor one. I find it hard enough to police a 5-7-5 prompt, let alone this gigantic feat. Luckily most the entries were on the right page as far as sonnet rules. A couple were off. One with the da DUM part and one with the syllable count. But all in all a pretty good turnout. I wish more people would have jumped in. Plus, I wish more than a measly 37 people would have voted. I'll give it some thought and think about it. Have a great New Year, Yelena. /Ron
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Ron,
Not everyone has the patience to review a crown of sonnets consisting of 128 lines. It also takes some expertise which not all reviewers have. I had more entrants last time because I personally sent out invitation to the best sonneteers on the site. This time around I let nature take its course (lol). I think it was a great and unique contest featuring some interesting entries.
But I thrive on challenges, I love a big undertaking like this one; a single sonnet doesn't cut it for me anymore (lol); I think at a certain level of poetic achievement we must grow.
Comment from Sally Carter
Yelena, well done on producing such a lovely poem, which is clearly written with great love and sincerity - this shines through in every line. Well done also on sponsoring the contest. I'm sorry I didn't enter, but I simply didn't have time this year, especially with Christmas intervening.
There are a few places where I think a bit of tweaking might make the poem even stronger:
Manhattan was the land of Oz, and I
believed that bigger god I'd never find - "a" bigger god?
But challenges were e'er a part of me. - I would suggest simply "always part of me" to avoid the rather archaic "e'er".
Euphoria of the youth, though, fled in time; - I suggest euphoria is four sylllables, so maybe just "Euphoria of youth" would work better all round.
The daily ires stole life air from my lungs,
It would be years 'fore I discovered rhyme,
The prose of life took over for a while.
I carried on with my accented voice, - to be honest, I found these lines a little clumsy. I'm quite certain that with a bit more time you could refine them.
was now the vision off my teary eyes. - "of"?
her protective arm
beheld more strength than all the guards of Troy. - not sure about "beheld". Held greater strength...?
I decorate the two in sage and rhyme. - not sure about sage?
I do hope these suggestions are helpful. It's not easy to offer ideas in a poem that is so personal and so moving, so I hope I don't offend you.
Your mother sounds the most wonderful person and I am very sorry for your loss. Though I am sure she has passed on her strengths, which have helped you write this great tribute to her. I don't know what your beliefs are, but if she's watching, I'm sure she approves.
Best wishes to you
Sally
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reply by the author on 31-Dec-2012
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Yelena, well done on producing such a lovely poem, which is clearly written with great love and sincerity - this shines through in every line. Well done also on sponsoring the contest. I'm sorry I didn't enter, but I simply didn't have time this year, especially with Christmas intervening.
There are a few places where I think a bit of tweaking might make the poem even stronger:
Manhattan was the land of Oz, and I
believed that bigger god I'd never find - "a" bigger god?
But challenges were e'er a part of me. - I would suggest simply "always part of me" to avoid the rather archaic "e'er".
Euphoria of the youth, though, fled in time; - I suggest euphoria is four sylllables, so maybe just "Euphoria of youth" would work better all round.
The daily ires stole life air from my lungs,
It would be years 'fore I discovered rhyme,
The prose of life took over for a while.
I carried on with my accented voice, - to be honest, I found these lines a little clumsy. I'm quite certain that with a bit more time you could refine them.
was now the vision off my teary eyes. - "of"?
her protective arm
beheld more strength than all the guards of Troy. - not sure about "beheld". Held greater strength...?
I decorate the two in sage and rhyme. - not sure about sage?
I do hope these suggestions are helpful. It's not easy to offer ideas in a poem that is so personal and so moving, so I hope I don't offend you.
Your mother sounds the most wonderful person and I am very sorry for your loss. Though I am sure she has passed on her strengths, which have helped you write this great tribute to her. I don't know what your beliefs are, but if she's watching, I'm sure she approves.
Best wishes to you
Sally
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2012
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Thans, Sally,
"Euphoria" 3 syllables according to www.webster.com
Here's the link: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/euphoria
Yes, a "bigger god" - that is exactly what I meant. None of my other reviewers had a problem with it.
"I carried on with my accented voice" - those words speak volumes and have a hidden meaning. I am sure, with some pondering you'll get my meaning.
"Beheld more strength than all the guards of Troy" - I happen to be particularly fond of that line, and don't want to change a thing
"Sage and rhyme" - think about it, Sally. "Sage" represents all the refined, perfect, beautiful. "Sage and rhyme" is my favorite poetic recipe (lol)
I can't accept any of your ideas in this review. We come from two different world - Russia and Cornwall (lol) and thus the opinion could differ.
But I appreciate the time you took to review this.
Hugs, Yelena
P.S. No offense taken; I cannot take any of the suggestions. I will thus gladly accept the four, since a four is a very good mark.
Happy New Year, Y.
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Hello Yelena, and many thanks for your reply. I am sure a reviewer is not supposed to defend their review, so I just offer the following by way of explanation. Of course, the poem is yours and I quite understand if none of my suggestions quite works, but I think in a couple of places I have not made my thoughts clear. So, not a defence, but a conversation.
I'm afraid I rely on my ear for syllables, rather than a dictionary. Perhaps it's our different countries, but I have never heard anyone say yoo-FOR-ya. Certainly in the UK it's yoo-FAW-ri-ya. No matter, I can *hear* how you are saying the line.
In the "bigger god" line, it wasn't "bigger god" I was querying but the word "that". I am now reading the line with "that" as an adjective for god, so perhaps I misunderstood your meaning on first read.
The "accented voice" line was entirely clear. It was the preceding two or three I found difficult. Sorry, I should have been clearer what I was referring to.
I agree the line about the guards of Troy has a wonderful ring to it. Without risking losing these comments by going back to the poem, I seem to remember it was the idea of an arm beholding something that made me ask the question.
Sage and rhyme is a strong play on words. A fine recipe indeed.
I too wish you a very happy New Year, health and happiness in 2013.
Yours
Sally
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Happy and healthy New Year, Sal. Cheers! Love, Yelena
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Finally got your concern in the "bigger god" line. I know now why "that" would get you confused. I changed that line to "...believed a bigger god I'd never find". I know the word "that" and the absence of an article must have gotten you confused
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"Euphoris" pursuant to Webster is pronounced eu-FO-ria (3 syllables). I should have added it to the author notes. There was a contoversy over the number of syllables in that word, with different reviewers
Comment from Benjamin Valencia
Hello Yeltel. Excellent sonnet and tribute to your mother. She would be very proud. My favorite part was your epilogue regarding heaven's porch. I appreciate your author notes on this. Truthfully, I didn't quite understand the Crown of heroic sonnets until you explained. Thanks for educating me on this challenge. Its indeed hard to accomplish. Good luck and cheers.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Hello Yeltel. Excellent sonnet and tribute to your mother. She would be very proud. My favorite part was your epilogue regarding heaven's porch. I appreciate your author notes on this. Truthfully, I didn't quite understand the Crown of heroic sonnets until you explained. Thanks for educating me on this challenge. Its indeed hard to accomplish. Good luck and cheers.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Thank you so much for the great review, Benjamin. This was the subject very dear to my heart. Glad this challenge educated you as you say, on the Crown of heroic sonnets form.
Happy New Year!
Blessings, Y.
Comment from Sasha
I should have saved a 6 just for you. What an awesome and beautiful poem. This is so filled with love that it brought tears to my eyes. I enjoyed this marvelous and epic journey. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Excellent work and I enjoyed reading this very much.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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I should have saved a 6 just for you. What an awesome and beautiful poem. This is so filled with love that it brought tears to my eyes. I enjoyed this marvelous and epic journey. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Excellent work and I enjoyed reading this very much.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2012
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Thank you so much for the great review, Sasha, and the virtual six. This review, coming from a writer like you, means a lot to me. This was a subject very dear to my heart, and I am glad it resonated with you.
Blessings and love always,
Yelena
