Hedgerow Tales
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Fire Drill at Hedgerow School"Book 3 in the Hedgerow Series
30 total reviews
Comment from Silverlock
H Sandra, this is another very entertaining Hedgerow tale, with a great safety message for children woven through it. Just lovely - witty and whimsical - well done.
Regards, Barb
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2012
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H Sandra, this is another very entertaining Hedgerow tale, with a great safety message for children woven through it. Just lovely - witty and whimsical - well done.
Regards, Barb
Comment Written 28-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2012
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Thank you, Silvelock, for another wonderful review! I am so pleased you liked this one as well. xsx Sandra.
Comment from Selestia
Lovely narrative poem that tells a charming story that children will enjoy. The rhythm and rhyme are nice and the pace is good. Cute the way Timmy and Tommy thought they were going to put out a fire. Good writing.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2012
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Lovely narrative poem that tells a charming story that children will enjoy. The rhythm and rhyme are nice and the pace is good. Cute the way Timmy and Tommy thought they were going to put out a fire. Good writing.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2012
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Thank you so very much, Selestia, for your wonderful review and 6 star rating, I am so pleased you enjoyed it, thank you!! xsx
Comment from Leen1
Excellent! A wonderful piece that's so informative geared for small children which enables them to connect school with fire drill. As they listen to what each animal has to say they are sure to learn by example. This is a wonderful learning tool. Nice job!
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2012
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Excellent! A wonderful piece that's so informative geared for small children which enables them to connect school with fire drill. As they listen to what each animal has to say they are sure to learn by example. This is a wonderful learning tool. Nice job!
Comment Written 27-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2012
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review, Leen 1! I am so pleased you liked it! Thank you. xsx
Comment from Meta~Mark
Hedgerow Tales AT Fire Drill at Hedgerow School is anothe collection of children's poem that has spledid and fun dialogue that every kid and adult shout read...
OUTSTANDING AS ALWAYS, BRAVO!!!!!!
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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Hedgerow Tales AT Fire Drill at Hedgerow School is anothe collection of children's poem that has spledid and fun dialogue that every kid and adult shout read...
OUTSTANDING AS ALWAYS, BRAVO!!!!!!
Comment Written 26-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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aww!! Thank you so, so much, Mark! What an amazing reiew you have given me, I am so very pleased you liked it. The 6 stars you have given it, and more especialy your words mean so much to me, thank you! xsx
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Sandra, this is a really good story/chapter for children to read. It is so simple in its illustration for them to read about how to conduct themselves in a fire drill.
Great artwork with the schoolbus to accompany this most excellent chapter. Very well written my friend,,,,,,,Jim
Also, starting Tuesday, I plan to restart my Drifter and Klaus series. It has been a bad week as I had a relapse and couldn't attend a very favorite sporting event. I'm very glad to have you as a friend. Means a lot to me. Thank you Sandra.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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Sandra, this is a really good story/chapter for children to read. It is so simple in its illustration for them to read about how to conduct themselves in a fire drill.
Great artwork with the schoolbus to accompany this most excellent chapter. Very well written my friend,,,,,,,Jim
Also, starting Tuesday, I plan to restart my Drifter and Klaus series. It has been a bad week as I had a relapse and couldn't attend a very favorite sporting event. I'm very glad to have you as a friend. Means a lot to me. Thank you Sandra.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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This is so strange, Jim, I was thinking of you just moments ago as I hadn't seen anything of you on here. And minutes later you review me! That is quite spooky! You had a relapse? Is there anyone close to you who can come and care for you when you are ill? Or at least, pop in everyday to see how you are. Perhaps restarting your writing will take your mind off your health and perk you up a bit. It's awful being on your own, but whenever you need to just chat, I will be here. I know it's not quite the same, but perhaps it will help. I will really look forward to reading your new postings, both Drifter and Klaus. Please take care, Jim, thank you for reading and saying such lovely things about my story. I hope to start reading yours again on a regular basis from Tuesday. Your friend always, Sandra.
Comment from rama devi
Second review
:-))
First review (FOUR stars)
It's always a pleasure to review your posts because they have child-like nuance and charm in your own unique style - so appealing for children and adults alike.
I did notice a couple of tiny things you might like to tweak (noted below)
*Miss Freda the Frog was already there.
Inside the classroom just sat on her chair.
Nice alliteration on the name here, and fine rhymes, but I do wonder if it would be optimal to use enjambment between these two lines (altered punctuation could affect this. One more tiny suggestion is to choose a more descriptive verb for SAT (which sounds slightly forced). Example:
Miss Freda the Frog was already there,
Inside the classroom just perched on her chair.
*
Once they were seated, she stood up and smiled,
Then called for the attention of every child.
Suggest trimming 'the' in line two for smoother flow (and using from instead of of):
Once they were seated, she stood up and smiled,
Then called for attention from every child.
* Slight forcing of meter and rhyme here-
Timmy and Tommy nudged each other then,
"Miss Freda will teach us to be firemen!"
*Till Miss Freda told them(,) "Here's how we'll begin!"(remove end quotes...they show at end of speech,)
*
Then pressing a button, a sound loud and shrill,
S(he s)tartled them all into sitting quite still!
* this line feels like it needs one more beat to keep in pace with the rhythmic context-
And Tommy Mouse quickly put up his hand.
Suggest
And Tommy Mouse quickly put up his small hand.
While it is clear you're not writing in a a strict meter, so many lines do follow a rhythmic beat and there are a few lines that stand out awkwardly or forced when read aloud. The one above is one example, but I suggest reading this aloud and trying to smooth out the cadences in those few less-flowing lines.
* Quite a few instances where commas are used inaccurately, though poetic license permits it. I do think using : instead would improve the ease of read. Couple of examples:
"Now then(,) children, you know what to do,(;)
Stand up and form a single file queue."
Timmy and Tommy Mouse just stood and stared,(;)
They couldn't believe a fire engine was there!
*And Reggie the Rat,(no comma) said, "Is there room inside?"
*Turned to the youngsters and(,) clearing his throat,
Said(,) "The reason we're here is to make you aware,
*
"I know! I know!" T(t)hey all frantically cried,
"We mustn't run as we hurry outside!"
*
Rodney the Rabbit,(no ,) then showed them the bell,
*Said Vicky the Vole,(.) "He couldn't get free!"
Enjoyed the rhythmic cadences when they flowed smoothly. Also the fine rhyming in story-telling style.
Cute story and characters.
This needs fine tuning but is, as usual from your pen, very well written and conceived.
Love,
rd
PS I did revise that story - as you asked me to let you know when it was finished...do please let me know if you feel the new ending is an improvement. Thanks dear. Blessings.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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Second review
:-))
First review (FOUR stars)
It's always a pleasure to review your posts because they have child-like nuance and charm in your own unique style - so appealing for children and adults alike.
I did notice a couple of tiny things you might like to tweak (noted below)
*Miss Freda the Frog was already there.
Inside the classroom just sat on her chair.
Nice alliteration on the name here, and fine rhymes, but I do wonder if it would be optimal to use enjambment between these two lines (altered punctuation could affect this. One more tiny suggestion is to choose a more descriptive verb for SAT (which sounds slightly forced). Example:
Miss Freda the Frog was already there,
Inside the classroom just perched on her chair.
*
Once they were seated, she stood up and smiled,
Then called for the attention of every child.
Suggest trimming 'the' in line two for smoother flow (and using from instead of of):
Once they were seated, she stood up and smiled,
Then called for attention from every child.
* Slight forcing of meter and rhyme here-
Timmy and Tommy nudged each other then,
"Miss Freda will teach us to be firemen!"
*Till Miss Freda told them(,) "Here's how we'll begin!"(remove end quotes...they show at end of speech,)
*
Then pressing a button, a sound loud and shrill,
S(he s)tartled them all into sitting quite still!
* this line feels like it needs one more beat to keep in pace with the rhythmic context-
And Tommy Mouse quickly put up his hand.
Suggest
And Tommy Mouse quickly put up his small hand.
While it is clear you're not writing in a a strict meter, so many lines do follow a rhythmic beat and there are a few lines that stand out awkwardly or forced when read aloud. The one above is one example, but I suggest reading this aloud and trying to smooth out the cadences in those few less-flowing lines.
* Quite a few instances where commas are used inaccurately, though poetic license permits it. I do think using : instead would improve the ease of read. Couple of examples:
"Now then(,) children, you know what to do,(;)
Stand up and form a single file queue."
Timmy and Tommy Mouse just stood and stared,(;)
They couldn't believe a fire engine was there!
*And Reggie the Rat,(no comma) said, "Is there room inside?"
*Turned to the youngsters and(,) clearing his throat,
Said(,) "The reason we're here is to make you aware,
*
"I know! I know!" T(t)hey all frantically cried,
"We mustn't run as we hurry outside!"
*
Rodney the Rabbit,(no ,) then showed them the bell,
*Said Vicky the Vole,(.) "He couldn't get free!"
Enjoyed the rhythmic cadences when they flowed smoothly. Also the fine rhyming in story-telling style.
Cute story and characters.
This needs fine tuning but is, as usual from your pen, very well written and conceived.
Love,
rd
PS I did revise that story - as you asked me to let you know when it was finished...do please let me know if you feel the new ending is an improvement. Thanks dear. Blessings.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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Oh dear, Rama, I feel like such a dunce!! Thank you for coming to my rescue here, I am so very grateful for all the attention you have given me on this one. I wanted to join one of Brookes classes on punctuation, but money was tight at that time. I should have listened more at school! I am going to use all the suggestions you have given, I looked in my Thesaurus book for something instead of 'sat' but I am going with your suggestion of 'perched'. I really do appreciate your help, Rama, you are a life saver, I know how important these things are for children to read. So thank you again! I will certainly read your new ending, and I bet I won't find any mistakes,lol!!! xsx
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Thanks dear Sandra--Your reply is so sweet and gracious.
I think you might find typos and spags in my new post, though! For one thing, it is much easier to edit someone else's work than one's own. Secondly, EVIL EDDIE - the fanstory advanced editor, is quite troublesome and I have had lots o weird typos on this one, staying there even after fixing them. Thirdly - I type too fast and often end up with typos...
(forgive me please if there are nay in this reply...the text box is so small so i can't see them.
Loving smiles, rd
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That makes me feel a little better!! :)
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Also, I feel that when we are creating a story or poem, it is one side of the brain being used - not the same one that does editing! That's the other side! LOL So it can come later...
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I'm left handed, so I've been told I use the opposite side of my brain to the Right handers. Do you think that has confused the punctuation bit! LOL, any excuse!!!
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LOL!
:-)
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Ps--upgraded the rating...
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Oh thank you!!!!! xsx
Comment from juliedickson55
Very humorous and fun.
The little bus image is a good match.
A good learning poem for children, with lots of rhymes and great animal characters.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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Very humorous and fun.
The little bus image is a good match.
A good learning poem for children, with lots of rhymes and great animal characters.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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Thank you so much for you wonderful review! xsx
Comment from steevie
Sandra, that was a wonderful story about the classroom fire drill. Just like you mentioned in your poem, the children, at a certain age, already have preconceived notions as to what they perceive as a fire and the very thought that they could be able to extinguish a fire is thrilling to them. This was well borne out in your lengthy tale of fire drill day at school.
steve
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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Sandra, that was a wonderful story about the classroom fire drill. Just like you mentioned in your poem, the children, at a certain age, already have preconceived notions as to what they perceive as a fire and the very thought that they could be able to extinguish a fire is thrilling to them. This was well borne out in your lengthy tale of fire drill day at school.
steve
Comment Written 25-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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Thank you, Steve, for this really lovely review! I'm so pleased you enjoyed this one, thank you.
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Sandra, you are very welcome
steve
Comment from artemis53
As usual, I loved it. What a great teaching tool for a child, Sandra. You've definitely pulled this one off flawlessly to instruct a child while keeping his/her attention.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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As usual, I loved it. What a great teaching tool for a child, Sandra. You've definitely pulled this one off flawlessly to instruct a child while keeping his/her attention.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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Thank you so much for your lovely review, Diane! I'm so pleased you enjoyed it. xsx
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh this is so charming and sweet! I absolutely ADORE your poem! It was so much fun, I had to read it aloud to myself the second time 'round! These characters you have created are so real - children must cry for your work!!!
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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Oh this is so charming and sweet! I absolutely ADORE your poem! It was so much fun, I had to read it aloud to myself the second time 'round! These characters you have created are so real - children must cry for your work!!!
Comment Written 25-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2012
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Thank you so very much, Dawn for your wonderful review! I'm really pleased you enjoyed it!! Xx
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Oh I did, very much so! You are welcome.
