Comment from Crystal Carey

Excellent

I enjoyed it. I knew a guy named Joey once. I do believe he was satan as well. He started out so nice though. I think it might just be the name, oh and your sister may be right maybe god was testing you!

 Comment Written 30-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012

Hi Crystal,

I won't bore you with all the long-winded replies I've been giving on this. There's a LOT more to this story, and it just gets stranger the more I tell it. But, sis, is not right. She says Joey saved me from going to the projects and getting shot. I say "Joey" was trying to recruit me to the other side, but 'Someone' else stepped in and put my girlfriend to sleep... go figure.

Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Comment from RaymondJohn

Excellent

Good ghost story. It seems a bit far-fetched to be true, but I will take your word that it is. I expected Joey to show up again and offer you more. LOL. Good story. Ray.

 Comment Written 30-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012

Yes, Ray. It is far fetched, but I actually toned it down from the bizarre truth so people wouldn't get the impression I was a crackpot. Hell, I'm a natural sKeptic. Einstein and Carl Sagan are my heroes, I don't believe in horoscopes or ghosts... even though I may have been in the same room with one once but I'm certainly not getting into that here (okay, maybe I am a bit of a crackpot)...sheesh! I'm agnostic, damn it!

Anyway, that room in the back, the hall everyone was packed into, had been boarded up when I went there the following week and saw it in the daylight. I actually almost soiled myself when I went inside and the lady told me she hadn't rented it for over two years! I guess that's why I kind of ran out of there and looked for another bar; I didn't want to acknowledge I'd been in there. It creeped me right the hell out.

And, I've got a witness of sorts. My girlfriend, the one who 'forced' me through threats of going to see her ex-drug dealing boyfriend that night, independantly and on her own, told me she'd been all jonesed out, waiting for me to come back with coke, and suddenly found herself waking up in her bed at four in the morning, without any cravings at all. She said it must have been God who took her need to use away.

How many jonesing junkies do you think pass out on a bed when they know the coke is coming? My thought is that there were two opposing forces at work that night.. or it was all just a bunch of odd occurances that amounted to nothing.

I think back on all that and I don't believe it either, though. So I really can't blame you.

Sorry for the long reply... and thanks for reading and commenting.

Comment from Dawn Munro

Excellent

Wow, I have shivers down my spine! that is some spooky stuff You've written about, and you've written it very clearly. I would say it is stretching the truth, but I am sure it isn't because I have had something equally strange happen to me many years ago. Well-written, good story!

 Comment Written 30-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012

Thanks, ID. I'm glad you liked it. And, if you look at the ridiculously long reply I gave the other reviewer...'RaymondJohn', I'm guaranteeing one or two more goosebumps...

Your skepticism is warranted, but I'm the biggest skeptic I know. Maybe that's why it took me twenty years to write this down. Maybe that's also why I didn't investigate this whole thing as thoroughly as I should have at the time.

I was afraid my skepticism would be outweighed by reality... Now, these years later, I can say, "Nah, that couldn't have happened... It's all just a string of coincidences..."

The one thing I'll never get out of my mind, though, is his face. I said in the story that I never forget a face, and his sticks out at me as if I'd seen him yesterday.

So why couldn't I place it at the time?

Maybe I forgot his, only having seen it in passing. Not like me, but possible. Coincidence? Yeah, maybe.

But for twenty years I've been telling friends and family that I think I may have met the devil in person...and his name was Joey. lol

Thanks for reading and commenting.

reply by Dawn Munro on 30-Aug-2012

You are very welcome!

Comment from janalma

Excellent

Very interesting story. You've probably considered that you might have dreamed the whole thing, but dismissed it. I totally don't know what happened but there are a lot of strange things in this world. We don't know all that we think we do. I've heard of, and read, tales of unlikely happenings that were verified by witnesses. Your story is very well told and I noticed no spag.

 Comment Written 30-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012

Thanks, J... yes, this was a very strange occurance all around. My girlfriend claimed she'd been pacing the house, waiting for me to return and hell-bent on using, one moment and found herself waking up at four AM the next moment, completely cured of any desire to use. I think she received a 'divine' intervention.... while I had a taste of another kind of intervention... but maybe it's all just coincidence, eh?

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

You set the stage dramatically in your opening and introduce the narrator effectively
Excellent dialogue that adds flavor to the story
I love the intrigue of the final paragraphs and the speculation as to who Joey truly was - an eerie story :-) Brooke

 Comment Written 30-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, AP. So glad you liked it.

Comment from Träumerin

Exceptional

Exceptional dialogue, moving the story along at just the right pace. Good characterization.

You could have made Chris' turning point a bit more dramatic, but probably it fitted better with the terse dialogue the way you had it.

Well done.

 Comment Written 30-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012

Hi T,

Thank you for the sixer. I'm honored, and so glad you liked it. Yes, I guess my turning point may have had a bit more to it in real life. Also, the whole argument with my Girlfriend that lead to me going on that mission for her might have been worth including, maybe as a flashback if I had more words to work with, but I'll consider all that after the contest is over.

Thanks again for the six-star praise, and taking the time to read and comment.

Comment from Father Flaps

Exceptional

Hi Mystery Author
What a great story! Extra good because it's based on an actual event. I found it quite entertaining, and Joey fits the description of the devil to a "T". You have some terrific lines,
"My personal werewolf had emerged, and the moon could go to hell."
"He laughed, baring his small perfect teeth and drinking in my distress with his squinty eyes."
Your dialogue carries the story along very well. You did a good job knocking 690 words from the original draft.
I think this could easily be the winner. Only one spot to look at...
"Buying drugs in back allies takes the confidence of either a lunatic or a drunk."
I'm thinking the plural of "alley" is "alleys", not "allies". England, Canada, France and the United States were allies in World War II, for example.
An excellent read! Thanks for sharing.
And good luck in the contest!
Kimbob

 Comment Written 30-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012

Excellent spag spotting, my friend. I missed that completely.

I'm glad you liked my story, and it really wasn't that far from the truth. All in all, it's exactly how I remember it. Of course I couldn't recall the actual dialogue verbatum, but the spirit of what was said is accurate. It's gratifying to see a true anecdote of mine in a story with this much entertainment value.

Thanks for taking time to read and comment... and for spotting that spag.

Comment from Mrs Happy Poet

Excellent

You have done very well with this story a definitely curious thing to have happened to you all those years ago I offer no explanation but I am sure many readers will on reading your story well done on this write I enjoyed good luck in the contest an entertaining read regards Jill

 Comment Written 30-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012

Thanks, Jill. It's been twenty years, and, if anything, the story only got more mysterious.

When it first happened, besides my one trip back there to investigate the following week, I never returned.

I told this story a hundred times, claiming to friends and family that I thought I might have met the Devil in person once and his name was Joey... without ever once writing it down, even though I've written my whole life.

But then I wrote the story about a month ago, and, all of a sudden, about a week later, I read this new writing prompt. So, I shaved it down to a thousand words, and submitted it.

On this past Saturday, a day or two after posting this story, I got called out to a new grocery store to fix a 'memory' issue on a computer. I work for Stop and Shop as a technician, and I'd never been to this new story before... Guess where the store had been built? That's right, on the exact same spot that bar used to stand.

The memory issue in the computer had, somehow, cleared itself up, and I found myself in the parking lot answering reviews of my story on the same land where the inspiration for the tale began.

I'm a fiction writer... but I couldn't make any of this up. Creepy.

Thanks for tatking the time to read and comment... and for reading this, as well.

reply by Mrs Happy Poet on 30-Aug-2012

your welcome mystery writer

reply by Mrs Happy Poet on 30-Aug-2012

i forgot to say i dont read many long works but i enjoyed yours very much

Comment from Writingfundimension

Excellent

Wow, this was a terrific story. I think your experience would make a great script. Good luck in the contest ... this should do very well.

 Comment Written 30-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012

Hi Bev,

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Your input is always apprectiated. And, yes, good idea. This would do well as a script, I think... just a short "Twilight Zone" type episode.

reply by Writingfundimension on 30-Aug-2012

You're welcome!

Comment from Jonesy

Excellent

Good, psychological story. There's little scene description, but the narrative voice and the authentic dialogue more than makes up for it. And fit the tone of the story anyway.

A few minor things below, but did not detract from the overall readability.

All in all, an enjoying read.


***I remember that night's October sky***

This should be "remembered" given the story is written in past tense

***Usually dead, mayhem reigned.***

Hard to understand. Was something dead? The bar itself is where mayhem reigned? Or is it the bar was usually dead but now full of mayhem? If the last one, it would be much easier to understand if that was included on the same line reading "I passed a little bar on my left."

***pecks***

"pecs"

***the Shining,***

"The Shining". Movie or book titles should be capped and should be quoted as well

 Comment Written 30-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 30-Aug-2012

Thanks for all the great tips, Jonesy.

I'm glad you liked my tale and I'm going to make the corrections now... except for the one I disagreed with. Present tense is acceptable here, I think, only because it's the narrator talking to the reader in the present. (I think if 'rememberED' were used it could cause confusion, like the character in the story was remembering - which I was... now that you mention it... ??? lol Wow, I'm already confused.) Anyway, I'm leaving that one alone.

Otherwise, every correction was spot on and I'm very grateful you took the time to point them all out.