Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "A Twist In The Road"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
9 total reviews
Comment from auspicious76
I want a million bucks! Sweet... this couple got something they deserved I'm thinking. I gave you five stars, but i think it could probably use a little (yes, just a little) polish. I'm not sure that eve country bumpkins talk in quite that fashion. You want your story to be as realistic as possible. Maybe try a different type of "slang"?
  |
I want a million bucks! Sweet... this couple got something they deserved I'm thinking. I gave you five stars, but i think it could probably use a little (yes, just a little) polish. I'm not sure that eve country bumpkins talk in quite that fashion. You want your story to be as realistic as possible. Maybe try a different type of "slang"?
Comment Written 03-Jul-2007
Comment from Veronica Grace
I like this story very much. I liked the characters, the dialogue and the outcome. It was mysterious and heartwarming at the same time. You kept the reader enthralled from beginning to the end. I love your style.
|
I like this story very much. I liked the characters, the dialogue and the outcome. It was mysterious and heartwarming at the same time. You kept the reader enthralled from beginning to the end. I love your style.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2005
Comment from Nescher Pyscher
A few minutes later(comma) the sky above
She muttered(comma) turning to point her finger at her husband.
if you weren't always looking for a way to get out a(try 'outta' ) yer chores."
Still, she's got a point(comma) I guess.
"That's all right, ma'am, I'm near to busting. Thank you, it was very delicious and filling.(comma)" (he)He said smiling. "As to why I'm here? I was just simply (I think you can drop this 'simply')seeing the sights.
In the country(comma) it's always so peaceful and quiet and the air is so
"Oh, uhm, Atlanta.(comma)" (stuttered)Stuttered Jim uncertainly.
Giving a small sigh(comma) she rose from the table,
"Yeah, with wood(comma, I think.) you know."
Roy caught the bewildered expression on Jims(Jim's) face and smiled.
Sarah nodded her head and gently took the young mans(man's) hand, "God
He sat there(comma) bemused for a moment(comma) then smiled as
d I'll remind you that I'm younger than you are(comma) old man."
both a little confused by the young mans(man's) words, but also deeply
confusion, but looking into the old mans(man's) eyes and seeing the love and
Go on and get a good nights(night's) sleep." She said and waved her hand in
Ric, this needs a LOT of work. I DO like the premise, but it's riddled with errors. Put this in an L&K for a while.
 |
A few minutes later(comma) the sky above
She muttered(comma) turning to point her finger at her husband.
if you weren't always looking for a way to get out a(try 'outta' ) yer chores."
Still, she's got a point(comma) I guess.
"That's all right, ma'am, I'm near to busting. Thank you, it was very delicious and filling.(comma)" (he)He said smiling. "As to why I'm here? I was just simply (I think you can drop this 'simply')seeing the sights.
In the country(comma) it's always so peaceful and quiet and the air is so
"Oh, uhm, Atlanta.(comma)" (stuttered)Stuttered Jim uncertainly.
Giving a small sigh(comma) she rose from the table,
"Yeah, with wood(comma, I think.) you know."
Roy caught the bewildered expression on Jims(Jim's) face and smiled.
Sarah nodded her head and gently took the young mans(man's) hand, "God
He sat there(comma) bemused for a moment(comma) then smiled as
d I'll remind you that I'm younger than you are(comma) old man."
both a little confused by the young mans(man's) words, but also deeply
confusion, but looking into the old mans(man's) eyes and seeing the love and
Go on and get a good nights(night's) sleep." She said and waved her hand in
Ric, this needs a LOT of work. I DO like the premise, but it's riddled with errors. Put this in an L&K for a while.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2005
Comment from fastdigits
A nice story. As I started to first read it I was about to give up on it, feeling some of the words were a bit contrived. Nobody speaks like that. However I stuck with it and you kept my interest throughout, cleverly concealing the outcome.
You painted the scenes nicely and did a great job with the three characters, a simple story full of suspense.
Good work
|
A nice story. As I started to first read it I was about to give up on it, feeling some of the words were a bit contrived. Nobody speaks like that. However I stuck with it and you kept my interest throughout, cleverly concealing the outcome.
You painted the scenes nicely and did a great job with the three characters, a simple story full of suspense.
Good work
Comment Written 03-Mar-2005
Comment from SamAyeM
I loved the story and the dialogue was excellent. I had a good visual of the three characters. There are a few errors listed below. Otherwise, you did a great job in writing this piece and it was a pleasure to read.
"and I was hopping (hoping) that you folks might be kind enough
mumbling to herself about the flu and phenemonia (pneumonia)
dimples (that shinned (shined) from) both sides of his wide smile. (I don't think dimples shine, so you might want to just say:
dimples on both sides of his wide smile.
this must be the old couple,s (couple's) son
|
I loved the story and the dialogue was excellent. I had a good visual of the three characters. There are a few errors listed below. Otherwise, you did a great job in writing this piece and it was a pleasure to read.
"and I was hopping (hoping) that you folks might be kind enough
mumbling to herself about the flu and phenemonia (pneumonia)
dimples (that shinned (shined) from) both sides of his wide smile. (I don't think dimples shine, so you might want to just say:
dimples on both sides of his wide smile.
this must be the old couple,s (couple's) son
Comment Written 03-Mar-2005
Comment from StormyGale
"Did you tend to the chickens?"
"They're cooped up for the night."
"Feed the pigs?"
"Slopped and satisfied."
"What about the cows?"
"Fresh hay and fresh feed."
LoL ... I hate to admit it but that sounded familiar. I can see my mother sitting there doing that to my dad long ago.
I have been through 4 twisters and had flashbacks to those horrible times.
You have the ability to bring your reader right into the story ... I like that.
Keep up the great work! I give this one :
|
"Did you tend to the chickens?"
"They're cooped up for the night."
"Feed the pigs?"
"Slopped and satisfied."
"What about the cows?"
"Fresh hay and fresh feed."
LoL ... I hate to admit it but that sounded familiar. I can see my mother sitting there doing that to my dad long ago.
I have been through 4 twisters and had flashbacks to those horrible times.
You have the ability to bring your reader right into the story ... I like that.
Keep up the great work! I give this one :
Comment Written 02-Mar-2005
Comment from Jon Kuntz
To tell you the truth, I wasn't going to read your story. It didn't give me a reason. The first line is missing a comma, and the last "sentence?" of the first paragraph is jamming words, trying to be one sentence when it's two, maybe three.
But I'm glad I did read on because it's a tender story, and it's believable.
|
To tell you the truth, I wasn't going to read your story. It didn't give me a reason. The first line is missing a comma, and the last "sentence?" of the first paragraph is jamming words, trying to be one sentence when it's two, maybe three.
But I'm glad I did read on because it's a tender story, and it's believable.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2005
Comment from Gutching
If only real life turned out this way more often!
Over all, a great story. The character development and plot are excellent. The dialogue is genuine and sincere. The main problems I found were S&G. They detract from the story but, once you fix them, I think you'll have five-star work on your hands. Here are a few examples:
"I would rather worry early then wait until it's too late to do anything about it." She stated firmly, -- The quote should close with a comma, not a period. Otherwise, the next part becomes a fragment.
He clutched an old beaten suitcase in one hand that looked as if it had seen better years. -- Your modifying clause is misplaced. Try, "In one hand he clutched an old beaten suitcase that looked as if it had seen better years."
"Alright, up with you now." -- I'm not certain, but I think this might be "all right" unless you're using it as an adverb. Or, if you meant it as regional dialogue, ignore that suggestion.
He was a cute kid with wild blonde hair; bright blue eyes and dimples that shown from both sides of his wide smile. -- something about this sentence doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps a comma instead of a semi-colon?
He supposed this must be the old couples son -- "couple's son."
"John Caragie ma'am, but my friends call me Jim." -- You should have a comma before "ma'am" to set off direct address.
"Well Jim, what brings ya to these God forsaken parts?" -- I couldn't find it in the dictionary, but I've usually seen "godforsaken" as one word. Later on, "house hold" should be "household."
You see, unfortunately, we're loosin' our farm. -- should be "losin'"
He'd always found himself at the short end of the stick, and by being there he had often acted un-rashly, striking out in anger because he didn't know what else to do. -- I believe you mean "rashly."
Laying down his suitcase, he dropped himself heavily on the bed and layback staring at the ceiling, -- "layback" should be two words.
Getting up quickly, he grabbed the suitcase and laid it on the bed. Undoing the snaps he reached inside and withdrew a small bundle, carefully concealing it in his shirt, a piece of paper and a pencil, then re-closed the case. -- This sentence gets quite convoluted--it sound like he concealed the bundle in his shirt and in a paper and pencil--so I'd consider re-wording it.
"Well, yes. I mean, no. Blast it all, I don't know!" she said gruphly, "He ain't even here!" -- Should be "gruffly."
Other than that, many of your sentences are too wordy. You might want to break some of them up into smaller sentences or find ways to reword them. Don't be disheartened, though. The heart of the story is there, and so are most of the technical requirements. As I said above, a little work and you'll have a five-star story. Thanks for sharing!
|
If only real life turned out this way more often!
Over all, a great story. The character development and plot are excellent. The dialogue is genuine and sincere. The main problems I found were S&G. They detract from the story but, once you fix them, I think you'll have five-star work on your hands. Here are a few examples:
"I would rather worry early then wait until it's too late to do anything about it." She stated firmly, -- The quote should close with a comma, not a period. Otherwise, the next part becomes a fragment.
He clutched an old beaten suitcase in one hand that looked as if it had seen better years. -- Your modifying clause is misplaced. Try, "In one hand he clutched an old beaten suitcase that looked as if it had seen better years."
"Alright, up with you now." -- I'm not certain, but I think this might be "all right" unless you're using it as an adverb. Or, if you meant it as regional dialogue, ignore that suggestion.
He was a cute kid with wild blonde hair; bright blue eyes and dimples that shown from both sides of his wide smile. -- something about this sentence doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps a comma instead of a semi-colon?
He supposed this must be the old couples son -- "couple's son."
"John Caragie ma'am, but my friends call me Jim." -- You should have a comma before "ma'am" to set off direct address.
"Well Jim, what brings ya to these God forsaken parts?" -- I couldn't find it in the dictionary, but I've usually seen "godforsaken" as one word. Later on, "house hold" should be "household."
You see, unfortunately, we're loosin' our farm. -- should be "losin'"
He'd always found himself at the short end of the stick, and by being there he had often acted un-rashly, striking out in anger because he didn't know what else to do. -- I believe you mean "rashly."
Laying down his suitcase, he dropped himself heavily on the bed and layback staring at the ceiling, -- "layback" should be two words.
Getting up quickly, he grabbed the suitcase and laid it on the bed. Undoing the snaps he reached inside and withdrew a small bundle, carefully concealing it in his shirt, a piece of paper and a pencil, then re-closed the case. -- This sentence gets quite convoluted--it sound like he concealed the bundle in his shirt and in a paper and pencil--so I'd consider re-wording it.
"Well, yes. I mean, no. Blast it all, I don't know!" she said gruphly, "He ain't even here!" -- Should be "gruffly."
Other than that, many of your sentences are too wordy. You might want to break some of them up into smaller sentences or find ways to reword them. Don't be disheartened, though. The heart of the story is there, and so are most of the technical requirements. As I said above, a little work and you'll have a five-star story. Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 02-Mar-2005
Comment from sheweevil
This is an excellent and effective reworking of many old folk tales an ultimately the good Samaritan story. I found the dialogue at the beginning a bit stiff but it became much more convincing as the piece went on.
Thanks for submitting it, it was great read.
|
This is an excellent and effective reworking of many old folk tales an ultimately the good Samaritan story. I found the dialogue at the beginning a bit stiff but it became much more convincing as the piece went on.
Thanks for submitting it, it was great read.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2005
