THE GIFT
Tough Love33 total reviews
Comment from Tina55
Well, Bev, I'm not one who usually reads scripts, so I'm not necessarily a bucket of ideas, technically speaking. This reads very well, is packed with emotion and building tension. I like how you have the parents cracking under pressure. The audacity...giving their son the gun with which his older brother shot himself? And here I thought they were reasonable, intelligent people until that point. LOL
It's a great scene - very well developed.
Love,
Tina :-)
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
  |
Well, Bev, I'm not one who usually reads scripts, so I'm not necessarily a bucket of ideas, technically speaking. This reads very well, is packed with emotion and building tension. I like how you have the parents cracking under pressure. The audacity...giving their son the gun with which his older brother shot himself? And here I thought they were reasonable, intelligent people until that point. LOL
It's a great scene - very well developed.
Love,
Tina :-)
Comment Written 26-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
-
Hi, Tina. Thank you for taking time to review my script. I understand it came out without a title. This is my final assignment for the scriptwriting class, and was not supposed to have gone into general release mode LOL. Cripes ... this computer stuff baffles me sometimes. Your comments are really helpful, as always! It always amazes me how banal evil really can be. Your rock! Love ya, Bev
-
No worries, Bev. It was a fun...in a slanted way...read!! :-)
-
I know what you mean. Creepy, but fun. :0) XXX Bev
Comment from DALLAS01
Now I know why you got writer of the month. This blew me away.
Your staging of the scenes and directions were concise and all served a purpose. Now about the characters:Delphines first remark regarding the sandwich, left me with the impression that they are always working and on the run. Her next line led me to believe (for just a second) that she finally saw the light, but that hope was soon extinguished.
As I thought about what was being drawn out of these characters as the play progressed, I got the impression that they had a lot in common with first or second generation Europeans: The hard work, no nonsense attitude, the toughen up to survive way of looking at life, the stubbornness, and the inability to understand nurturing of family or even self. And last but not least the distrust of things they do not understand.
The paragraph concerning the meaning behind the gift was another clue.
My first husband was born and raised in Hungary, and I saw a lot of the same attributes in he and his friends. So you see, your characters divulged a lot about themselves through their dialogue.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
 |
Now I know why you got writer of the month. This blew me away.
Your staging of the scenes and directions were concise and all served a purpose. Now about the characters:Delphines first remark regarding the sandwich, left me with the impression that they are always working and on the run. Her next line led me to believe (for just a second) that she finally saw the light, but that hope was soon extinguished.
As I thought about what was being drawn out of these characters as the play progressed, I got the impression that they had a lot in common with first or second generation Europeans: The hard work, no nonsense attitude, the toughen up to survive way of looking at life, the stubbornness, and the inability to understand nurturing of family or even self. And last but not least the distrust of things they do not understand.
The paragraph concerning the meaning behind the gift was another clue.
My first husband was born and raised in Hungary, and I saw a lot of the same attributes in he and his friends. So you see, your characters divulged a lot about themselves through their dialogue.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
-
Hi, Dallas. I am so thrilled that you really got the meat of my script! You've nailed it exactly. The story is really about people that seem to have all the right characteristics, doing everything that's valued by society on the surface, and yet have this chilling ability to be truly evil. I've read about the subject of possession quite a lot - and I would say that this is a case of true and total possession. The reason is most likely what you describe perfectly - that inability to nurture family or self and distrust things they don't understand.
I thank you for your kind remarks and very generous rating.
Warmest regards, Bev
-
You're welcome. People like tat are totally incapable of hearing anything they do not understand.
-
I agree completely. :0)
Comment from jjstar
You don't find it the least bit
inappropriate that you should give your
only remaining child the gun his older
brother used to shoot himself?-----THAT IS SICK SICK SICK! Stupid parents!
You did a great job with the formatting. Thank you so much. Some of the scripts I've tried to read have been rather difficult.
Great story! I think you've hit upon a real point with the parents who think they always know what's best for their children and ignore an issue that's staring them right in the face!
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
|
You don't find it the least bit
inappropriate that you should give your
only remaining child the gun his older
brother used to shoot himself?-----THAT IS SICK SICK SICK! Stupid parents!
You did a great job with the formatting. Thank you so much. Some of the scripts I've tried to read have been rather difficult.
Great story! I think you've hit upon a real point with the parents who think they always know what's best for their children and ignore an issue that's staring them right in the face!
Comment Written 26-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
-
Hi, jj. Thank you so much for your insights and generous review. I really appreciate. The psychiatrist who treated this family said it was one of the few times in his life that he felt he was in the presence of true evil. Warmest regards, Bev
-
You're very welcome. Always love your writing!
-
Aw, shucks! :0)
Comment from Debbiecrosslin
Bev, Good job of story into script. I wonder why you did not show Gabriel at all? Without the boy, either way, it does give a good sense of the psychological madness of his parents. It is so sad that the doctor was unable to convince them otherwise. Hugs, Debbie
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
|
Bev, Good job of story into script. I wonder why you did not show Gabriel at all? Without the boy, either way, it does give a good sense of the psychological madness of his parents. It is so sad that the doctor was unable to convince them otherwise. Hugs, Debbie
Comment Written 26-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
-
Hi, Debbie. You make a very good point. I think that I would prefer to have this in two acts, with the interview for the son first and then the parents. I'd be able to develop it even more. Drat! This was not supposed to go into reviews. Every once in a while, when doing a posting for class, this happens. I'm sure I did something I shouldn't have! Thanks for taking time to read it and your very generous review. You are a most kind lady. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes you have done very well io am not used to reviewing these but I can see no spag you have done very well with the content of the script I enjoyed regards Jill
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
|
Yes you have done very well io am not used to reviewing these but I can see no spag you have done very well with the content of the script I enjoyed regards Jill
Comment Written 26-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
-
Thank you so much, Jill. I really appreciate your supportive and generous review for my script. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Joan E.
Thanks for the definition of O.S., since I haven't read a script before. The story felt real because of the mood you created with your word and body language choices. The dialog seemed quite natural for parents who are in denial. Bertodi's artwork is just the right touch. -Joan
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
|
Thanks for the definition of O.S., since I haven't read a script before. The story felt real because of the mood you created with your word and body language choices. The dialog seemed quite natural for parents who are in denial. Bertodi's artwork is just the right touch. -Joan
Comment Written 26-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
-
Thanks for your awesome review and helpful insights, Joan. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from christianpowers
Hi,
This is your class assignment, right? I know it's a screenplay and not a script for the stage, but I'll review it anyway.
I liked this version a lot. For some reason the 'gift' seemed more believable here... probably due to the parents' side of the story being included in this version.
The character directions for Mrs. Lynch >>>(Turns to face the doctor with hard eyes and a fake smile)<<< seemed a bit too much even for a screenplay. You might consider omitting that or cutting it down to (patronizingly)... or (condescending)
I think the doctor should have offered free counseling... if he were truly concerned... and that would make their refusal to treat their son more outrageous.
Here are some notes on the formatting...
>>> DR. PRESTON (CONT'D):
Would either of you like coffee? I've
a fresh pot brewed. <<<< Alvin told me you don't have to use the (more) or (Cont'd) unless there's a page break.
>>> to take precedence, naturally
Morris and I dropped everything ...
MORRIS LYNCH (Inerrupts):
What my wife is trying to say <<<< I think you should show the interruption better by adding 'to' after 'everything' and if you're going to add the '(interupts)' it should be after the colon on the speaker tag.
>>> MORRIS LYNCH (voice rises):
Don't think you can intimidate me
and my wife with <<<< again, the '(voice rises)' should be after the colon.
There are other formatting issues here I'm not certain about, but I merely passed on things Alvin said so don't take my word of anything on Formatting.
Good job here. I hope I helped.
Christian
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
|
Hi,
This is your class assignment, right? I know it's a screenplay and not a script for the stage, but I'll review it anyway.
I liked this version a lot. For some reason the 'gift' seemed more believable here... probably due to the parents' side of the story being included in this version.
The character directions for Mrs. Lynch >>>(Turns to face the doctor with hard eyes and a fake smile)<<< seemed a bit too much even for a screenplay. You might consider omitting that or cutting it down to (patronizingly)... or (condescending)
I think the doctor should have offered free counseling... if he were truly concerned... and that would make their refusal to treat their son more outrageous.
Here are some notes on the formatting...
>>> DR. PRESTON (CONT'D):
Would either of you like coffee? I've
a fresh pot brewed. <<<< Alvin told me you don't have to use the (more) or (Cont'd) unless there's a page break.
>>> to take precedence, naturally
Morris and I dropped everything ...
MORRIS LYNCH (Inerrupts):
What my wife is trying to say <<<< I think you should show the interruption better by adding 'to' after 'everything' and if you're going to add the '(interupts)' it should be after the colon on the speaker tag.
>>> MORRIS LYNCH (voice rises):
Don't think you can intimidate me
and my wife with <<<< again, the '(voice rises)' should be after the colon.
There are other formatting issues here I'm not certain about, but I merely passed on things Alvin said so don't take my word of anything on Formatting.
Good job here. I hope I helped.
Christian
Comment Written 26-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2012
-
Thanks so much, Christian. You were a big help. The thing about continued, I got from the Screenwritin for Dummies book. Seems to be some confusion on that, so I'll run it by Alvin in class. For now, I think your suggestions to remove it is a good one. Also, the other changes all make good sense to me. I really appreciate you going out of your way to review this. Thanks for your help. This formatting business seems to depend on who you're talking to or what material you're reading. I do know it's an involved process to get it to post to the site properly. Bev
Comment from Melspoems
I've never read a script before, because I don't know anything about them so can't really review.
Yours was interesting and very realistic I thought, I could imagine the scene and the people as I read it.
A couple of possible spags
authorize continuatio(m)n of treatment.
nothing more than (a) ruse
Are you continuing this story?
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
|
I've never read a script before, because I don't know anything about them so can't really review.
Yours was interesting and very realistic I thought, I could imagine the scene and the people as I read it.
A couple of possible spags
authorize continuatio(m)n of treatment.
nothing more than (a) ruse
Are you continuing this story?
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
-
Hi, Mel. Thank you for taking time to read my script. Due to a glitch, this went out for general reviews instead of to classroom. This is my final assignment for my scriptwriting class. Thanks so much for catching the SPAG's. And I do think I will be doing more of this because I really had fun with it. Your insights are very helpful. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
This is something new for you! My goodness, Bev, you never cease to amaze me. What a strong little scene you set here. Is this your first attempt at such a thing? There's an element of dysfunction in these parents - giving their son the gun that killed his brother.
Wow. And you say it's based on a true story, too.
I'm really impressed, my friend. You're a woman of many talents!
Love ya
Av
x
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
|
This is something new for you! My goodness, Bev, you never cease to amaze me. What a strong little scene you set here. Is this your first attempt at such a thing? There's an element of dysfunction in these parents - giving their son the gun that killed his brother.
Wow. And you say it's based on a true story, too.
I'm really impressed, my friend. You're a woman of many talents!
Love ya
Av
x
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
-
Hi, Av. Thank you so much for your awesome review! This went out by mistake to general reviews, it's supposed to be my last assignment in my scriptwriting class with Alvin. I've gotten some really good ideas for making it better already, so I guess it happened for a reason. I love this type of writing. It's just a real pain to format to the site. So, I'll probably be doing more of this.
Yes, this is based on a real event. The psychiatrist never saw the boy after that time last talk with his parents. Amazing how banal evil can be sometimes.
I so appreciate your support, Av.
Love you, Bev xxxooo
Comment from Rob Caudle
Hey, Bev, screen writer too. Well you are talented. I can't give much help with structure etc as I know less than nothing about screen writing. I do know what I like and this was good. I was engaged and actually wanted to strangle your characters this could be turned into a nice drama. Kid kills self parents on trail for aiding and abetting. A legal trial piece with a physiological back drop. I guess you a had better get busy my friend.
Rob
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
|
Hey, Bev, screen writer too. Well you are talented. I can't give much help with structure etc as I know less than nothing about screen writing. I do know what I like and this was good. I was engaged and actually wanted to strangle your characters this could be turned into a nice drama. Kid kills self parents on trail for aiding and abetting. A legal trial piece with a physiological back drop. I guess you a had better get busy my friend.
Rob
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
-
Hi, Rob. What a great idea!! Actually, this was supposed to have gone into the classroom mode only - final assingment in Alvin's class. Got all cock-eyed, and didn't come out with title I hear. So thanks for going through the trouble of reading and reviewing. And I really am going to consider your excellent idea! Warm regards, Bev
