Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Cradle Of Darkness"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
4 total reviews
Comment from Peterchrd
hey this is really good. I like the fact that she never let the bastard get the best of her. You kept it real by showing her fears and emotions (she wasn't just a born hero with no fears). Thumbs-up
  |
hey this is really good. I like the fact that she never let the bastard get the best of her. You kept it real by showing her fears and emotions (she wasn't just a born hero with no fears). Thumbs-up
Comment Written 03-Jul-2007
Comment from wildwriter
The plot was extraordinary, the characters were well defined, the setting was clear, the story was amazing. The descriptions were a bit long, but, possibly neccesary. With a little more editing it could be perfect.
 |
The plot was extraordinary, the characters were well defined, the setting was clear, the story was amazing. The descriptions were a bit long, but, possibly neccesary. With a little more editing it could be perfect.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2005
Comment from Susan in Houston
First paragraph: "The night was calm, quiet; Still, ..." Still should not be capitalized. You seem to capitalize after a semi-colon. This is not correct.
Paragraph beginning: "When she could no longer hear his steps...willpower she possessed to crouch there till the count of fifty." "till' should be "until" or "'till". Until would be better and fit in with the tone of the rest of the writing better.
Paragraph beginning: "Common sense screamed at her...he could sneak up from behind, catching her unawares." Should be "unaware", not "unawares."
Paragraph beginning: "Despite her best efforts, walking silently just wasn't an option. Ankle-deep leaves of Oak, Maple, Locust and Dogwood crackled with each step." Oak, Maple, Locust and Dogwood do not need to be capitalized.
Paragraph beginning: "Alison sprang with a yell...Light spun madly through the tress..." "tress" should be "trees."
Paragraph beginning: "In a fog she felt her hands tugged together and tied...Unawares.." "Unawares" should be "unaware".
Paragraph beginning: "Reluctantly, she did as told and in a movement as quick as it was violent, he grasped the back of her collar and her tied hands, then yanked down until if felt like he was ripping her arms from their sockets." I was not clear what you were trying to say here. Did he put her hands behind her head? You should clarify...
Paragraph beginning: "Grunting, his breath coming hard from exertion and tension...The plan swirling around in her head wasn't much, and depended too much on nature and Anthony's own reaction, but nothing else came floating from the murky depths of her mind." Do you really need "floating from the murky depths of her mind", wouldn't "came to mind" be cleaner?
I'd add more to the feeling of freedom from oppression at the end.
I really like your writing style. This is a good story, and you captured your protagonist's horror and fear so that the reader could truly feel it.
|
First paragraph: "The night was calm, quiet; Still, ..." Still should not be capitalized. You seem to capitalize after a semi-colon. This is not correct.
Paragraph beginning: "When she could no longer hear his steps...willpower she possessed to crouch there till the count of fifty." "till' should be "until" or "'till". Until would be better and fit in with the tone of the rest of the writing better.
Paragraph beginning: "Common sense screamed at her...he could sneak up from behind, catching her unawares." Should be "unaware", not "unawares."
Paragraph beginning: "Despite her best efforts, walking silently just wasn't an option. Ankle-deep leaves of Oak, Maple, Locust and Dogwood crackled with each step." Oak, Maple, Locust and Dogwood do not need to be capitalized.
Paragraph beginning: "Alison sprang with a yell...Light spun madly through the tress..." "tress" should be "trees."
Paragraph beginning: "In a fog she felt her hands tugged together and tied...Unawares.." "Unawares" should be "unaware".
Paragraph beginning: "Reluctantly, she did as told and in a movement as quick as it was violent, he grasped the back of her collar and her tied hands, then yanked down until if felt like he was ripping her arms from their sockets." I was not clear what you were trying to say here. Did he put her hands behind her head? You should clarify...
Paragraph beginning: "Grunting, his breath coming hard from exertion and tension...The plan swirling around in her head wasn't much, and depended too much on nature and Anthony's own reaction, but nothing else came floating from the murky depths of her mind." Do you really need "floating from the murky depths of her mind", wouldn't "came to mind" be cleaner?
I'd add more to the feeling of freedom from oppression at the end.
I really like your writing style. This is a good story, and you captured your protagonist's horror and fear so that the reader could truly feel it.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2005
Comment from ycarney
Your descriptive narrative is in good form although sometimes it gets a little too lengthy. The story is also good, but is it realistic to think that she would make her way back to him? It might make it more believable that she got the gun from him or picked it up off the ground after their struggle and then shoots him until the gun is empty. Just a thought.
|
Your descriptive narrative is in good form although sometimes it gets a little too lengthy. The story is also good, but is it realistic to think that she would make her way back to him? It might make it more believable that she got the gun from him or picked it up off the ground after their struggle and then shoots him until the gun is empty. Just a thought.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2005
