Whispers in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Making a Choice by JAMES"Brook's best lead dog is struck deaf
7 total reviews
Comment from Writingfundimension
I really enjoyed this heart-warming additional chapter to your young adult fiction novel, Alaskastory. You have a wonderful way of putting an adult reader into the mind of a young person - a real talent for sure. Shemya sounds like a truly magical being. Thanks for adding a lovely note to my weekend with your nicely developed chapter. Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 27-May-2012
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I really enjoyed this heart-warming additional chapter to your young adult fiction novel, Alaskastory. You have a wonderful way of putting an adult reader into the mind of a young person - a real talent for sure. Shemya sounds like a truly magical being. Thanks for adding a lovely note to my weekend with your nicely developed chapter. Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 26-May-2012
reply by the author on 27-May-2012
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Your conpliments make me glow, Bev. Thank so much for reading and reviewing this chapter. Marie
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Marie, you are most welcome! Take care ... Bev
Comment from Shirley McLain
Excellent chapter. The romance is beginning to spark between Brooke and James. I can't wait to read more of the story to find out what happens next.
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Excellent chapter. The romance is beginning to spark between Brooke and James. I can't wait to read more of the story to find out what happens next.
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Thanks so much for enjoying this story and taking time to review.
Comment from forestport12
You did a great job in firs person present tense. I didn't feel like your MC that you talk through missed the mark and his crush on the girl and description were believable. I think writing from a different gender than the author can be terrifying. I'm glad to see someone else doing it. Great job. And I also noticed how you use dialogue and then tag it with action/movement or inner thoughts. I'm biased because I do that many times too. Clean and easy on the eyes. Stan
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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You did a great job in firs person present tense. I didn't feel like your MC that you talk through missed the mark and his crush on the girl and description were believable. I think writing from a different gender than the author can be terrifying. I'm glad to see someone else doing it. Great job. And I also noticed how you use dialogue and then tag it with action/movement or inner thoughts. I'm biased because I do that many times too. Clean and easy on the eyes. Stan
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Thanks a million for your comments and giving time to reading this chapter. Just two more and it's done. Marie
Comment from nor84
The first two paragraphs are related and could be combined. Otherwise, you'd have a one-sentence first paragraph, and narrative paragraphs should be longer than one sentence.
Graying hair and wrinkles makes (make, not makes -- you have a plural subject with the hair and wrinkles.
Her direct gaze makes me know I tell the whole tale before she does.>>>Is there a word left out of that sentence?
"I'll go get my sleeping bag out of the truck, Dad."
I'm barely out in refreshing cool air when Brooke appears at my side. "James Samuelson, do you want to take Jonsey and Libby?" >>>I think you meant those bits of dialog to be separated by a blank line.
I hesitate for a way to say what has needed to be said for far too long. "Brooke, there is something I've owed you for quite a while."
With curious eyes wide, her head tilts in waiting.>>>the sentence beginning 'with curious eyes should immediately follow her dialog, on the same line.
She turns back to me. "And today, wasn't Shemya a hero in an attack by a moose?"
I nod. "My hope is that you'll forgive me for what I yelled that day." >>>always put a blank line between dialog bits when the speaker changes.
Good job staying in present tense. Often, I find a slip in...Wait, there is one here:
"Blackie seems to be progressing well," Dad (says)said as he reaches in to pet him.
Very good job. I could learn to live like that, with dogs.
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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The first two paragraphs are related and could be combined. Otherwise, you'd have a one-sentence first paragraph, and narrative paragraphs should be longer than one sentence.
Graying hair and wrinkles makes (make, not makes -- you have a plural subject with the hair and wrinkles.
Her direct gaze makes me know I tell the whole tale before she does.>>>Is there a word left out of that sentence?
"I'll go get my sleeping bag out of the truck, Dad."
I'm barely out in refreshing cool air when Brooke appears at my side. "James Samuelson, do you want to take Jonsey and Libby?" >>>I think you meant those bits of dialog to be separated by a blank line.
I hesitate for a way to say what has needed to be said for far too long. "Brooke, there is something I've owed you for quite a while."
With curious eyes wide, her head tilts in waiting.>>>the sentence beginning 'with curious eyes should immediately follow her dialog, on the same line.
She turns back to me. "And today, wasn't Shemya a hero in an attack by a moose?"
I nod. "My hope is that you'll forgive me for what I yelled that day." >>>always put a blank line between dialog bits when the speaker changes.
Good job staying in present tense. Often, I find a slip in...Wait, there is one here:
"Blackie seems to be progressing well," Dad (says)said as he reaches in to pet him.
Very good job. I could learn to live like that, with dogs.
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Thanks a million, Nor. You are a super detective finding so many of my oversights. A huge help in editing this was your piece on "filtering scenes". Believe me, I had a lot of that! I very much appreciate all your help!! Marie
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You're very welcome, Marie.
Comment from Hareem.S
This is a very good story. It is well penned down and has an appropriate length. I like the vivid details, it kept me glued till the end.
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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This is a very good story. It is well penned down and has an appropriate length. I like the vivid details, it kept me glued till the end.
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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I'm so glad you found this chapter a fun read. Thanks for the review. Marie
Comment from Jane Johnson
These are just suggestions of what I thought you meant to say:
I turn away snapping my head....?
grabbing her in MY arms...
Very nice story! Well crafted and nice imagery. Thanks for writing and sharing.
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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These are just suggestions of what I thought you meant to say:
I turn away snapping my head....?
grabbing her in MY arms...
Very nice story! Well crafted and nice imagery. Thanks for writing and sharing.
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Thanks for the suggestions. I appreciate your reading and review of this chapter.
Comment from jaeladarling
Very nice read! The story moved along without being overbearing. That's a hard balance to achieve. :) I need to bookcase this so I can come back for more. Keep it up!
A few nits you may want to look at:
"I turn away snapping of my head" (Comma after "away", and I think "of" might be an extra word here.)
"That is a rare sight at a wintertime table in the village." (Just my opinion, but this sentence isn't really necessary.)
"says Maggie Peters, her eyebrows lift in alarm." (Either change the comma to a period or change "lift" to "lifting")
"again on her hips, she looks" (Change the comma to a period and capitalize "She")
"With curious eyes wide her head" (Comma after "wide")
"Right now?" Her big brown eyes lock on me. (This is confusing. Did Brooke say this? If not, the second sentence needs to be connected to the next paragraph instead of this one.)
"dashes away saying she'll" (Comma after "away")
"sends a stream crying barks" (Add "of" after "stream")
"drink of water then nestles again" (Change "then nestles" to "before nestling". It'll help the sentence flow much more smoothly.)
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Very nice read! The story moved along without being overbearing. That's a hard balance to achieve. :) I need to bookcase this so I can come back for more. Keep it up!
A few nits you may want to look at:
"I turn away snapping of my head" (Comma after "away", and I think "of" might be an extra word here.)
"That is a rare sight at a wintertime table in the village." (Just my opinion, but this sentence isn't really necessary.)
"says Maggie Peters, her eyebrows lift in alarm." (Either change the comma to a period or change "lift" to "lifting")
"again on her hips, she looks" (Change the comma to a period and capitalize "She")
"With curious eyes wide her head" (Comma after "wide")
"Right now?" Her big brown eyes lock on me. (This is confusing. Did Brooke say this? If not, the second sentence needs to be connected to the next paragraph instead of this one.)
"dashes away saying she'll" (Comma after "away")
"sends a stream crying barks" (Add "of" after "stream")
"drink of water then nestles again" (Change "then nestles" to "before nestling". It'll help the sentence flow much more smoothly.)
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Oh, you are a marvel! Catching all those snags is a super great help for me. Thanks so much for such a productive review!
